cagefree

So, as some of you know I've gotten back out there recently and have started dating again - my choice. I felt I was far enough into codie recovery that I was ready to put my newly found tools into practice and so far, I've had mixed results.

So, I figured I'd provide an update on my progress...

I've had some successes and for the most part I am keeping and using my boundaries. I've also not been perfect. My not-so successful move involved walking all over my own boundary...that's so stupid it's funny. At least this time I'm not whining about being a victim of an inconsiderate and rude individual, but looking at why I didn't keep a boundary which would have saved me the trouble! I did put another boundary back up and am firmly keeping it in place with everything I've got - LOL!

Oh well - Live and Learn, pass it on.

I have gone on dates that well-meaning friends set up and wind up thinking, "How desperate do you think I am?!"
I have been approached by people who have absolutely no manners and I wonder if they've ever met a member of the opposite sex.
I have had complete strangers on internet dating sites send me comments like "Took a look at you and couldn't put my pants on!" (what an appropriate thing to say - NOT!) and "I'll be at the elementary school pretending to unload wood - so you can check out my body!" (scummy with extra-eeewwwww) and "You must email me now!" (sounds like a winner - NOT!)...and it goes on and on. I pretty much send emails of responses I get to my friends for a good laugh almost on a daily basis.

So - I am realizing that even though I've done all this work and am doing a pretty good job at rejecting the people who aren't worthy of Cagefree, I am still attracting scum - lots of it. I am wondering if there's some residual codie vibe I'm sending out. The scum arrives at my doorstep - but now instead of inviting them in, I'm turning them away - which is good...but...now that people are knocking, I want to open the door to find something else...but the same old, same old keeps coming back in different scummy packages.

Does anyone know of any tools to use to attract more of what I'm looking for and less of what I'm not? Or better yet - does anyone know of ways I can critique what vibes I am sending? I mean, hey - how can I change something when I have no clue what I'm doing wrong?

GiveLove

What are you doing with other parts of your life, cagefree? Where are you putting yourself so you'll bump into people who might have common interests, common values? I've met some really great people taking the same cool classes I was, volunteering at community events that were near & dear to my heart, in the bookstore coffee shop, at the neighborhood recreation center, etc. The friends who truly know me would never hook me up with a loser.

I've met some real jerks online, in bars, at drinking parties, etc. (not saying this is you, but I've always marveled at people who expect to meet a real winner in a bar. it happens, sure, but the odds are so slim) Well-meaning friends who didn't know me very intimately have fixed me up with some real winners....one of them had a wife 8 months pregnant that they hadn't known about.....

Visualize the person you would really love to hang out with. What kinds of things does he do? Where might you just accidentally come across him?

Good luck....and keep looking for that scum repellent. I think it's called "self-esteem"

justanothrdrunk

Guys are jerks.

I seriously doubt you are doing much of anything wrong.

A friend of mine used to say that if it weren't for women, there would have been absolutely no technological advancements in history ever. Everything a guy has ever done was always to impress a lady.

"What about fire?" I said.
"Some cave man just wanted to get lucky. 'Come over to my cave, honey. I cook my meat.'" And so forth...

I used to think (at times) that I had all this great dating advice for folks, particularly women friends. But I don't. One of them pointed out rather bluntly that I haven't been on a date in over 15 years. Not someone who should be giving advice.

So, I have no advice for you. And I can't say that I relate either. I've been married a long time. BUT, I've been a guy even longer. And IMHO, guys are just jerks and mostly clueless when it comes to women.

nowinsituation

Hey Cage - If I knew where the gems were believe me I would be there. I've been doing the online dating -- and am really amazed at what guys will say -- do they think we are impressed? But I think I am learning (ever so slowly). Sometimes if they "seemed" they were nice, and the sexual reference was pretty sutle -- I'd let it slide; or joke around a little (hey, I have a sense of humor and I'm not a prude). But, NEW boundary for me -- I won't communicate with any guy that makes any sexual reference to me within the first few contacts.

On the up side -- I have a lunch date today! We've emailed a few times and chatted on the phone -- and he has NOT crossed my boundary. Plus he's cute, and plus he's a lawyer. Trying not to get my hopes up.

Good luck!

cagefree

I like the visualization idea and just realized I have not been doing that as much as I used to...

Well - let's see - outside of work (I do not date coworkers as a rule) I have worked hard at getting myself a social life. I am currently taking my girl to doggy obedience classes, spend much of my time asking about home improvement project ideas with Lowe's and home depot employees, I hang out at Barnes and Noble at least once a week, am in a book club, take doggy for walks in places with tons of people.

I don't go to bars or clubs - and would never expect to find anyone there. I don't go to places I would never want to be, simply to look for a mate.

It's hard to not get discouraged when I finally get some self-esteem, accept myself and my faults and yet still am met with scum. A common theme in my codie rcovery has been to do the work and when I don't see immediate results I get discouraged. Perhaps this is another moment of impatience rearing it's ugly head.

I have found in the past that the work does pay off and it has - just not in this arena...yet.

cagefree

Ditto on that!!!

Congrats!!!!

hbb

Hi Cage! Boy do i know what you mean about the "scum" to choose from!! I'm reading a book "He's Just Not That Into You". I know what your thinking, how rude! I thought the same and my friend let me borrow it and it's completely opposite of how the title sounds!!! It helps with what to weed out, red flags, and just moving on from the ones that waste time! It's a great read, i can't put it down! I head about it a year ago and thought it would make me more upset but quite the contrary now!!

Glad you are still going out there and not letting a couple of jerks get in your way great to hear from you!!

LaTeeDa

I've been seeing someone for over a year that I met online. But, I have to tell you, there were literally hundreds of them that didn't interest me at all. Only two that I actually met in person, and one who turned out to be a nice guy.

I did revise my online profile with the help of my therapist, and that made a difference.

It's a crap shoot, whether online or IRL. Just keep working toward being the kind of person you'd like to be with. And, yes, patience helps. LOL

L

cagefree

WHAT AN AWESOME IDEA!!!

I will do that! Didn't even think about it!

1963comet

I just could not hold back from reading your thread.

I have told people, pretty soon you need to fill out a form to date. Get some backgroud information. You never know what kind of person is sitting at a computer these days when you are looking for a date.

Reddmax

I'd like to interject something from a guy's point of view. Enen though I"m here to recover from an AW, it hasn't been that long since I dated. (Less than a decade). Plus, I didn't get married till later than most (27).

What do women in their thirties and early forties actually want? I mean, its hard to figure it out. (Remember, this will probably have application for me in a year or so, so I'm trying to learn now)

I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am. I'm intelligent, hardworking, in decent shape. I'm a good conversationalist, with a dry edge. I have a good career, lots of room for advancement. I like almost everything, and am good natured enough to go purse shopping with a woman (friend or SO). But I always had a hard time dating.

It seems that most women want excitement more than they want a solid guy. They chose guys that are just... just wrong. (For those of you that are happy with your fella, understand that I'm talking about dating).

Could some of the women exactly identify what makes a man dateable, and not scum? Just for reference so the guys out here actually have a clue when they get rid of the brain damage caused by their alcoholic SO.

LaTeeDa

Sorry, Redd, there just isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. What makes someone attractive to me might just be the thing that makes someone scum to another.

The best advice I ever got on this is to make a list of the qualities you would like in a partner. Then take that list and become it. If you become the type of person you would want to be with, you will attract that type of person.

So, instead of trying to make yourself "dateable," decide what you want and go after it.

L

sunflowerintx

Like LTD, I also agree that's it's an individual preference.

I consider myself fairly independent but I still want a partner. I would like someone who is at LEAST as independent as I am. I work two jobs, have my own car and a license to drive it, pay a mortgage and take care of two beautiful children.

That's just bare minimum stuff.

What I think we all really want is a soft place to land and I know that goes both ways. I believe that I was very supportive to my H and he was at times but it was his daily treatment of me, his contempt for me at times that drove me away. He was controlling but dare not be controlled himself.

I want a true partner in every sense of the word. Mutual respect. Help around the house without having to beg or nag for it. Someone who enjoys family activities. Someone to put gas in my car and wash it now and then. A man who does the yard on a regular basis. Someone who thinks about doing something for me just because they want to see me smile...like in addition to bringing home a gallon of milk, I also get a beautiful grocery store bouquet of tropical flowers. Just because I matter to my partner, not as an apology because they screwed up.

Maybe I'm just a silly romantic soul...I truly don't think I'm asking for too much but having been with an abusive alcoholic so long, it does seem a bit out of reach. *sigh*

Thanks for the great question.

Jazzman

*Jazz swoons over sunflower*

Took the words right out of my mouth! A true partner in every sense

DesertEyes

There's plenty of low-lifes for us guys too. I suffer from Codie in Shining Armor syndrome, and in Las Vegas there's oceans of ladies looking to get rescued. My "picker" can spot 'em in a second, one look around a room and my finely tuned radar has pinged every single target in range. Heck, one time I started chatting up this charming lady who was amazingly well educated and traveled. I was rescued at the last minute by my "sis" who knew she was a Madame. I thought she was flirting with me, my "sis" knew she was trying to _hire_ me for her "ladies club".

( My "sis" sponsors a lot of recovering "entertainers", I'd be dead meat in Vegas without her watching over me * lol * )

What I did was started hanging out with married couples, and asked the _wives_ for advice. Whadya know, they introduced me to a few really healthy ladies, the last one I'm still dating.

I am powerless over my "picker", and my dating life had become unmanagable.

I turned my "picking" and my dating life over to some very knowledgable women in recovery who had their "stuff together" much more than me. They're my "dating sponsors"

Mike

hbb

NOW I would take a solid guy ANY DAY over excitement! Granted i want things in common with them but all set with the partier (oh and those creeps on line that take pictures of themselves in the mirror, whats that all about)!!!

When i started dating J all i could think about was "OMG pinch me, it's J" and the high school jock, the varsity football hunk blah blah blah from 14 years ago! Well what i didn't take into consideration is that that "jock" then was probably the same "jerk" i dated a year ago

I'm seeking the polar opposite today!!!!!

cagefree

Ditto - a lot of advice I've received has coming from married guy friends and couples. I try to talk to people who have relationships that have qualities similar to the type of relationship I want to have.

I love it!

Personally, I believe scum comes in the form of men AND women. My married guy friends have told me such horror stories!

Some signs I commonly see early on include too many sexual references/jokes before I know someone, when someone pushes after I turn them down, anyone making demands right away, anyone who says "all I want is to make you happy" (dude - totally not your job), anyone who wants me to commit after the first date...and that's just in the beginning.

The stuff I've recently experienced after a couple dates involves playing games and dishonesty. For example, I told a guy I didn't want to be physical right away and he swore up and down that he wanted to get to know me and he would let me know when he had free time - yeah haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.

I'm with hbb...Excitement = Drama = No way!

nowinsituation

I agree, there is no "one-size fits all". If there was wouldn't it be a lot easier -- and BORING! The main thing is to be yourself; hard for those of us who have forgotten who we are! That's what I find so challenging about dating; and also why I think it is so important for me. I can feel it whan I start slipping into behaviors that are not "ME" (awareness -- now I can take action). Especially true if it is someone that "I want" to like me; my first reaction is to try to be what I think they want. I am learning a lot about myself that I would not have an opportunity to learn sitting on my sofa watching TV with my cat!

The lunch date went well. Yes, indeed a very nice guy. But, I know he is not my type. I had some good food and nice, interesting conversation. The "old" me would be racking my brains trying to figure out how to "make" him like me and being depressed. The "new" me is actually feeling pretty good!

GiveLove

Hey Redd,

I think that's one reason why it's good to take some time to make sure that you're 100% fine being just with yourself. Among other things, it gives you time to make a list for yourself of all the qualities you'd like in a mate -- instead of making it after the fact, which often turns out to be skewed by thoughts of whoever we're with.

I had a list going at one time when I was single. It went like this:

--Must love wrestling with dogs
--Must feel that being 100% honest is a form of courage, and that people who lie are just p***ies
--When we're hanging out together, must not wish he were somewhere more exciting, with someone more exciting, doing something more exciting.
--Must know himself and be willing to laugh at his shortcomings
--Must be independent
--Must not have any substance abuse issues
--Must be loyal to Us, even when others try to cut in on Us

.....etc. Very personal, you see.

What do YOU want? That's what's important. In that space where what YOU want intersects with what you have to offer, that's where the magic happens.

sunflowerintx

to ya, Jazzman!

Now, as far as the guy not being your type, I think that's how we get in bad situations. I promise you that anyone I've known who was happily married said they didn't have instant chemistry. Love GREW as they were friends, then lovers.

That instant chemistry stuff? That's LUST and lust fades. True friendship, companionship, being on your team kinda love? That's what I want.