McKrazy

Hence my name....... I've come to see that we are all crazy. It's a spectrum and we are all somewhere along the there at some point.

What should have been the celebration of 2 months sober following an inhouse rehab ("summer camp" as we named it), ended up with a trip down memory lane.....

I'm feeling so discouraged. I was starting to feel even moments of being relaxed and calm and in one instant, right back to chaotic!

His method of torture is the cell phone and texting and that little weapon is how he throws darts of blame and denial, safely putting HIS problem in MY lap.

The next morning (as was this morning) is a remorseful and sorrowful man who does not want to hear how the damaged was received, merely just wants to MOVE ON.

My "move on" is not so automatic anymore and I actually want to be heard, understood.

After sharing that I had been hurt and that we were told in counseling that I need a voice, he shares
"I just can't take being "ripped on" this morning" and taking off.

.....being "ripped on".......
My exact words were "I need to you to understand that while I can forgive, I need you to hear how that hurt me and just listen to my words without explaining or arguing".
He even argued that he didn't "say" that, but geez, they are all TEXTS!!!! It's right there!

Sorry to vent, but I think the crash after the brief respite of feeling hopeful and full of promise is just a downer.

So, all of you who know, is this likely the start of a relapse, or just a "blip on the screen"? I do know that I won't do this pattern of verbal abuse anymore in my life. I've done my stint and it's time for the last half of my life in peace. I owe that to my kids.

Thanks for listening! I just needed to share and my friends here at home are all "shared out", I think.:codiepolice

prodigal

This is a frustrating situation. You want to be heard. You want to be listened to with respect. He is blocking the entire process. It's a major control "trump card" that A's play so well. I went through this 18 months ago with my AH.

I wanted to talk. Heck, I NEEDED to talk. I just wanted to be heard. He told me outright that "we" would NOT discuss the issues of our so-called marriage. That was when I realized I had hit bottom. I had spent about three years trying to be heard. At the end of our discussions, if that's what they could be called, I would be left sitting alone and scratching my head, wondering, "What in the world was he talking about??? HE said that, yet he told me I said that."

Something had to change. I was going nuts. He was already nuts. And I didn't feel I deserved to go nuts. That was when I got myself back into Al-Anon, serious counseling, and started doing what I needed to do, even though I still had feelings that said, "Try to make him hear you again. Use 'I feel," and 'I think" to discuss matters."

It didn't work. The night he walked out because he refused to have an honest discussion with me said it all. I was through wasting my time.

And I have not discussed our so-called "marriage," his alcoholism, his issues, or my business with him since. I just tend to my own matters.

I dragged AH into marriage counseling, church, bible studies, detoxes, rehabs, AA meetings ... and I kept trying to tell him how I felt. He didn't want to listen. He didn't care, for whatever reason. He wanted to control. That was the bottom line: an out-of-control person trying to control a situation.

How crazy is that??? Today, if I'm crazy it's because I'm making myself crazy. Or I'm dealing with my own crazy issues. I stepped back and then stepped out of my AH's business. And I'm happy I did.

McKrazy

wow! thanks! I needed that little verbal slap in the face! I have been alalon-ning and going to counseling (it's the summer and she's on vacation!!!!) and probably should know all of that, but it's amazing how a little sobriety can make me feel like he's done some real changing, too. There was a family time at the "camp" he attended and we had a chance for me to share and it was life-giving. I was starting to think that maybe that was a sign of things to come, but maybe it's never to be that I can share without conflict.
I think the hardest part is not that he doesn't care, because I think on some level he does. It's just that he doesn't WANT me to feel that way, and therefore can't allow for me to feel that way. When I did this morning, it all swung right back to "poor him" and how I just can't accept his apology and don't I realize how bad he feels. He actually asked why it had to be "all about me" to ME! All about me? When has it ever been remotely about me?

....aaaarrrrgggghhhh.....

Okay, time to move on, but thanks for responding. I really needed to feel so not alone and I definitely feel a kindred spirit!