Taking a break.

Old 07-31-2008, 08:28 AM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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Smile Taking a break.

It's getting hot in here, eh?
I'm taking a bit of a break from posting to regroup.

To summarize, here is where I am at:

~ AH and I are not "back together" we are still seperated and will be for a long time to come, maybe even for always, its too early to tell where this will all go. We've been seperated almost a year now.
I am just postponing filing for divorce for the time being.
I am offering him some support and encouragement, I am his wife and do care about him obviously. However, I am offering him support from a distance and without enabling. Yes, it has only been 7 days now for him but everyone has to start somewhere. I know my husband well enough to know that I am seeing really positive changes in him. Whether they will stick is another story, I realize this. He knows that his getting sober and emotionally healthy does not in any way guarentee a relationship with me. He knows that he may make all the changes I've always wished he would and we may still end up divorced as I may decide that that is what I need to do for me. I dont know at this point if it will be possible for me to get back to where I would need to be emotionally with him in order to do the hard work of salvaging our relationship. Regardless of where our relationship ends up, I do wish he would get his life together, get sober and healthy for HIM, as a person who loves and cares about him, I want to see him healthy and happy. At this point I can just as easily see myself divorcing him as I can see us possibly working on our marriage at some point. I dont know that we could come back from all the damage that has been done.

~ I am not "babysitting" his recovery. He volunteers the info, I do not ask. I am trying to remain detached and neutral as much as I can, at the same time giving some degree of support. Our Friday night "recovery date" is not an effort for me to babysit him and his recovery. It is something we are doing together to maintain a bit of a friendship, somewhat of a relationship. We go in, have a group dinner, go to a group recovery worship/teaching/testamonial service then go our seperate ways to our own recovery groups. After that we chat a bit outside the church- mostly with other people too, say goodnight and go home. I really dont see this as babysitting his recovery, but to each their own I guess. Other than Friday nights, what he does with his recovery is his business. I am not asking or probing into it. If he wants to share, thats fine but he is on his own.

~ He knows I do not believe him and the stories about the OW. Some days I am inclined to believe him more than others. The truth is, I dont know the truth. He could be lying and he could be telling the truth. It could easily have gone either way. I do know that there were times when I was younger when I allowed myself to be out into suspicious circumstances where no one would believe could have actually been innocent, but they were.
At this point, it doesnt really matter, crossing that bridge will come later in marriage therapy IF that is what I decide to do. But no, mostly I don't believe the story, however I can see it happening the way he says it did. And maybe I'll never be able to move past that and that will be the deciding factor for our relationship.
It was my idea for him to arrange to meet with her in my presence and talk about the whole situation, it is something I need, maybe others dont agree with that but whatever, its what I feel I need. The same with him never being around her without me there. Those are my terms for me, it is not babysitting him, it is what I need for me.
Experts in infedelity counseling that I've read pretty much agree that in the case of infedelity or suspected infedelity, the offending spouse must agree to a total no contact agreement, and most of them advocate for this to be told to the OW/OM in front of the "victim" spouse. Most of them also recommend that if there is a child involved from the infedelity, that there is never any contact with the child. I'm not sure I agree with that, and in this case its a bit different as the child is 16 now and they just reunited.
Since its unrealistic for me to believe that he and the OW will never have an occassion to communicate since they share a child, for me I need the assurance that all communication will be done in my presence. For instance, she will call the home phone and not his cell to arrange for visits, ect. When exchanging the boy, I will be with AH. Things like that. That is what I feel I need to be reassured and safe. Maybe that is flawed thinking but for now, thats what I am feeling.
Now, all of this is getting way ahead of the situation in the first place. Who knows if we'll even reach that point. AH has told me that OW has another boyfriend and is also talking about moving out of state, so who knows what the future really holds for this issue.

~ I am moving on with my life with my girls. I am not waiting around for him to sober up, I am not basing my future on what he may or may not do, other than at this time not filing for divorce. I am excited about a new career and being able to support myself financially. I am looking forward to living life on my terms, simple things like making what I like for dinner, watching movies I like, painting my bedroom the color I like.
If the future brings my husband and I back together, fine. If it doesnt, that will be okay too, it will be sad but it will be okay. I have moved past the desperate "I can't live without you" feelings, I can and am living without him.

~ Someone asked how many chances does he get? Well, I refuse to have this on-again-off-again type of relationship. This is it, we both get it together or we don't. We have spent years wasted in unhealthy patterns, life is passing by and I'm not willing to waste anymore time in a sick relationship. We are either both 110% committed to doing what it takes to be in a healthy, thriving, nurturing relationship or we are not. I'm not settling for less than that anymore. Again, this is getting ahead of where we are at right now. We aren't actively working on our relationship now, if it comes, that will all come later.

~ I am still doing everything I can to protect/shelter my kids in all of this, AH is still not having our daughter overnight, or even for extended periods of time. Our daughter has started counseling sessions.

It is hard to respond to all of the comments/responses. Getting to be a fulltime job and too much drama. So, I'm taking a break.
I'm probably forgetting something I wanted to say, but oh well.

I do appreciate ALL of the comments and responses. I am open to them all, I enjoy being challenged to think outside of my box, to look at situations in other ways.
I certainly dont have all or even most of the answers here, I am learning everyday and I think thats the way it should be.

P.S. As you probably know, I am on a quest to find my first job as a nurse. If you feel so inclined, sending up prayers or postive thoughts for a good job to be found quickly would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 07-31-2008, 08:39 AM
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I give you alot of credit for being so candid...this post explains alot and expresses your insight to the situation. You indeed are a strong woman and smart to boot. IMHO...I think you are doing great and wish you all the best...also sending prayers your way! Stay strong! You deserve the best!
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Old 07-31-2008, 08:43 AM
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Stephanie,

Well said. You may want to print out your response and clip IT to your fridge. It's a good plan to follow, and there may be days when you'll want to remember your road map here.

Best of luck!
GL
:ghug3
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Old 07-31-2008, 09:24 AM
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Good luck to you Stephanie. I understand how things can get overwhelming with all the different responses you have received. Just remember, we are always here and want the best for you, your girls and your life.
Please stick to your game planand keep your eyes wide open. i hope things work out for you
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Old 07-31-2008, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by NeedHappiness View Post
Good luck to you Stephanie. I understand how things can get overwhelming with all the different responses you have received. Just remember, we are always here and want the best for you, your girls and your life.
Please stick to your game planand keep your eyes wide open. i hope things work out for you
(((Stephanie)))

Ditto. Please stop back sometime though, just to say "Hi".
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Old 07-31-2008, 10:40 AM
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Steph, I think that was the most revealing you have been regarding your intentions and what has been going on with you and your AH. I think if you would have posted this with this clarity a while back things would not have got so confusing! Just my opinion.

Good luck to you, i wish you well! I look forward to reading your posts again. Take care of yourself, and remember this site will always be here no matter what! Also if you feel ''swamped'' with replies you can always PM someone.

Blessings and serenity to all your family

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 07-31-2008, 12:04 PM
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I wish you good luck and am offereing my prayers that you find a good job! I'm sure you will find a great job! The world desperately needs good nurses and I'm sure the medical community will welcome you with open arms.:ghug
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Old 07-31-2008, 01:52 PM
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Stephanie,

I don't know you other than glancing at a couple of posts, this is not my home forum.

But there's a saying around here....that what other people think of me is none of my business.
I don't waste time or dignify things I find insulting with a response, explanation or defense.

Actually I have learned that giving advise when not asked for is a boundary violation. I have been guilty but trying to learn that this is a sort of abuse.

Also, if there are any particularly annoying members there is an ignore button, so that their responses will not appear on your thread.

I am sure you will get a GREAT job, so Congratulations in advance!

Live
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Old 07-31-2008, 07:26 PM
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I sure wish you wouldn't leave! I'm not sure why your posts seem to bring out so many replies. It's pretty interesting really, and I hope it means that we all see you growing so much and want you to continue to do so. I understand backing off though, and you need to do what is best for you.

I think your post above is a GREAT sign of the changes you have made in your life. You are a STRONG WOMAN, and I've appreciated your posts over the past few months. If you MUST leave , please stop by and let us know how things are going every once in awhile.

:praying that you find a great job very soon!
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Old 08-01-2008, 04:12 AM
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My counselor told me, "When it's time to go, you'll know." I believe that's true. Good luck to you. PM and I'll give you my email addy. Maybe someday we can hook up. You're only 30 mins. from me.
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Old 08-02-2008, 07:29 AM
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Sending a prayer that you find a fantastic job! You deserve it. Thank you for being so open and honest about everything. We wish you luck.
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