My opinion on the usefulness of this board..
 

When I found SR, I was looking for validation. Someone to agree with me that I was the poor victim of my AH’s drinking. I wanted to be told that I was doing everything right and he was doing everything wrong.

When some people with more wisdom than I started pointing out errors in my thinking, I got offended. Who were they to say I was wrong? HE was the one causing all the problems in my life. If only HE would quit doing what HE was doing, I would be just fine, thank you very much.

Shortly after I started posting here, I also got into individual therapy. And damn, if she didn’t start pointing out to me where my thinking and actions were screwed up!

The usefulness of this board, in my opinion, is not in the venting, commiserating, or perpetuating of codependent behaviors. The usefulness is in the sometimes difficult to hear messages that we only get one life, and the choices we make determine what that life will be like.

I hated to hear what I needed most to hear. It’s damn difficult to admit that I alone was responsible for my misery. OUCH! But, I am eternally grateful to my therapist and the posters on this board who kept sticking the truth right in front of my face, over and over until I was finally ready to see it. If not for them, I would never have looked inward and done the hard work of changing.

For those who just want someone to agree with them and put all the blame on the alcoholic, you will likely find others here to join you and share the misery. But, for those of you who really want your life to be all that it can be, take a good look at the posts that tick you off. That is where you will find growth.

L

When I found this forum there weren't many posts that ticked me off. A group of supportive members made suggestions and were still here for me if I didn't take that advice or if it took me some time to understand it. They also shared their experience and that experience gave me the courage to try what they practiced in their lives. It worked for them and it just might work for me. I had successful role models. It seems we each might need something different and there is no right way for everyone. I did better with the soft approach and the laughter we shared was so important. I hadn't laughed in years. I was able to grow without being ticked off. I was told the hard painful facts, but that didn't involve someone telling me what I "should" do. Nothing I shared was meant to avoid responsibility or stay in my misery. I just needed to talk about it at first.

I see others here that are very thankful for receiving the posts that ticked them off. That's what helped them the most. What works for one might not work for another.

A lot of the fights on this forum are challenging what another poster posted instead of sharing on the original topic. I've seen it go both ways. I like having choices and like choosing from your experience and trying something I can live with in my own life. I am not wrong for making a choice that differs from the advice given. As time goes by I've learned to live with a lot more. Having a variety of shared experience helps more people at different levels of their recovery. There were times when advice didn't seem quite right here so I went to one of the other forums to get suggestions. Sometimes those who have been there had a different way of looking at things. There is no black and white in my recovery. I take each circumstance as it comes and try to do the next right thing.

I do think a newcomer needs time to absorb information before being "ticked off". If they don't ever return those posts don't help them much. I've seen many new members walk out of here before they reached 10 posts. I knew absolutely nothing about addiction or codependency when I first got here. I never once told anyone my story. I kept my pain hidden from everyone. It was important to share my pain and know someone understood. I needed time to build trust in others. I needed to talk. I didn't have one person in my life that recognized my pain or even acknowledged it. In fact I was criticized for being too sensitive so I kept it all a secret. My recovery came from establishing relationships here and trusting them enough to listen to what they had to share. I had to work through guilt and shame and get past a lot before I could take action.

I don't believe anyone shares so they can stay in their misery. I've seen members take 3 years here before they suddenly blossomed. We can't be in charge of someone else's recovery time table. We can't judge their inward progress. A lot of changes can be made on the inside before it ever shows on the outside.

I agree that if something triggers an emotional response it is something within me that needs to be worked out, but that doesn't always mean the cause of the trigger is right. It just means I react to it inappropriately. The learning experience for me is to learn to react differently. That doesn't mean I have to agree with the post or that the information was right "for me". Unless we are robots things will occasionally trigger an emotional response.

Balance is good. Offer what you have. It will help someone.

Great post, LaTeeDa!

Sometimes it really scares me to see how many people are willing to take the risk of saying things that will help someone feel good for the moment in order to avoid "speaking" an uncomfortable truth that might very well save his/her sanity -- or, in extreme cases, even her/llife.

freya

My yoga teacher says - the place where you are most resistant and that is the hardest for you is what you need the most and is the greatest opportunity for an "opening" to the greater power.

(easier said then done for me - both in yoga and in life)

Much easier said than done, for me too. I never used to understand when people would say what "hard work" recovery is. Now I do. :)

L

Thanks, this is a great post. Thanks, LTD for sharing what your experience was. And thanks, MG for sharing how yours was different.

I found SR after I had had some time in Al Anon. It might not work for everyone, but Al Anon worked for me. I will tell anyone who asks that Al Anon saved my life.

I found SR when I was searching online to learn more about the addictive behaviors that my son was exhibiting. It was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep. Thank GOD I found this place. There were people here - at anytime of the day or night - who understood my life. There was comfort in sharing my pain with strangers... strangers who became online friends. We laughed, we cried, we got better together.

There were people here who rubbed me the wrong way. They challenged my belief systems. Some found their own recovery without the help of Al Anon. There was a time when I didn't think that was possible. Today, I KNOW it is. Just like everyone else, I learned my own life lessons in my own time. Not on anyone else's time table.

I have been thru hell in my own life. And I came out on the other side. I still pass by there from time to time, and I even peek in once in awhile. I will never BE there again, not even if one of my loved ones decides to live there. I have the tools, and I know what to do to keep myself in a better place.

I work on my recovery every single day. If I don't, I slip right back into the stinking thinking that got me all messed up in the first place. It IS hard work, but the benefits are HUGE.

Here, at SR and in my meetings, I have learned to share my own experience, strength and hope. I can't tell anyone else what to do. I can only tell you how it was then and how it is today. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I thank God every day for a program of recovery and for SR. Because of all of you, I have my life back.

Cats

I don't believe anyone ever intended to tick me off. My reaction to the stark truth was to be offended. Same with my therapist--she was only pointing out that my thinking was skewed as a result of living with alcoholics all my life. She wasn't being "mean," I just took it that way. :) Instead of "absorbing information" I resisted it and got my hackles up.

L

*edit to add*
I do think the relationship with the alcoholic makes a difference in how we perceive things, too. I speak only from the point of view of a spouse. And I hope and pray never to have the experience from the point of view of a parent.

When I came here, I needed both: Someone to say, "You don't have to take this, stop now, run!" and someone to say with a hug, "Here's what I did...and it worked for me....you might try it some time."

A teacher of mine has a good philosophy of life. He says, "Ask for what you need, and offer what you can." On the days when SR is offering equal parts of tough love and loving detachment, it's a miracle to behold.

It's called "teaching". Whether by a therapist, a sponsor, or a recovery group. Just like teaching children, the _good_ teacher is the one that modifies the lesson to meet the needs of the pupil. Some students know how to walk, and need to learn how to run. Others are just learning to crawl, and just need a little encouragement until they are ready to take the first step. Others are scared, and just need to watch for awhile.

The teacher that uses the _same_ approach for all students is only going to help a few, and lose the rest.

A public forum has some additional challenges to the teaching concept. We know _very little_ about a poster when they first appear. They may say "it's my spouse", because they have not yet learned that their parents have it as well, and their child. The approach you take with a co-dependent that has been trying to control a spouse for 30 years is the complete opposite to what you do with a battered spouse that was raped as a child.

That's why SR is Moderated; so we can provide the kind of individualized approach that is needed by the large numbers of people that arrive each day. Otherwise, a few well-meaning folks would cause a lot of harm to a lot of people while helping only the few that happened to match their limited experience. That's why the Mods are made up folks with _lots_ of experience, as well as professional background as teachers, counselors and such.

Mike :)
Moderator, SoberRecovery

LTD-
I enjoy posts that get me thinkin'
I appreciate the folks here, such as yourself, who stick around and share what they've learned in recovery. Thanks for being here.

In my expereince this is quite a common response in the Al Anon rooms. I know when I went, 8 years ago I wasn't ready to hear that maybe I should stop focusing on my AH all the time and focus on myself - they (the Al Anon members) just didn't understand.

However when I went back 5 years ago I would have done anything they told me to do and I was more than willing to accept maybe there was something not quite right about me, to keep ending up in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, as PAIN is a great motivator....

I was thinking this the other day that it's hard to see anothers reaction on SR since everything is in cyber space, but the weird thing about alcoholism/addiction is that while a persons situation/reactions/responses/thoughts etc feel unique, when it comes to alcoholism/addiction we're all the same - it's just the extremes that vary.

:ghug

Thanks LTD, and all the moderators for sharing your views on this interesting thread.

When I first came to SR, I was very much in the same mind set as described by LTD, I had no problems, he needed to change, isn't he a git, aren't I the apogee of patience and endurance?!

I was not 'ticked off' by the responses or advice I was given. I tried my best to take each response and evaluate it. Sometimes, I disregarded a post thinking it did not apply to me. I have always gone back over my threads and re read them. Sometimes on a second or third visit to my thread, I would see things differently, especially if some time had passed - I could see the growth in my thoughts.

What concerns me is that sometimes, I see replys to a post that seem to overly wrap a person in cotton wool. Attempting to protect the original poster. in Britain we call it ''molly coddling''. Even posters stepping in to defend the original poster - surely this is for the poster to do themselves if they feel it necessary, or to leave for the moderators.

IMHO there seems to have become a crowd who challenge every opinion posted that differs with THEIR view of what the original poster needs or wants to hear. Typical codie behaviour of ''don't you worry hunny, I'll put these people back in line''. These types of posts, IMHO should be kept to minimum.

Again just my opinion

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I like it here and come and go in spurts,TBH sometimes I need a break from the drama, and sometimes I take really long breaks! LOL!!. Without a doubt SR is a great resource for people that are hurting and it has been a huge help to me. I find the F&F forum in particular to be a smoldering powder keg by unintentional design. Here we have codependents helping and "teaching" other codependents on how not be codependent and at the same time not take credit for, take owner ship of, or feel responsible for anothers recovery.

This was from another thread yesterday that summed it all up for me.

Talk about profound. What an intense challenge for codies to support codies in a non codie way!

Yes, I agree, it is very difficult and a very fine line. Perhaps those who are advanced in their recovery can do this with ease.

I admit the last few months of my recovery, the thought has occured to me that I should post less often because I do not want to become a ''rescuer'' in another form; firstly trying to rescue my exabf from his addiction and moving onto trying to rescue codependants from their self destructing behaviour.

At one time, I stopped posting quite a bit. Lots of new people joined and I didn't know any of them because I tried to keep away and tend to myself.

I came back because I realised that there needs to be a balance within me, I cannot save people, and also I cannot ignore the posters here who are looking for another way.

Now I try to post with the knowledge that what I say may or may not be taken in by those reading. That the decision on whether to act is out of my hands, and in those of the poster. I try to offer my es&h without any preconceptions or expectations.

This to me, is how a codependant becomes healthy, learning how to balance advise giving with expectation. Also learning that help should be offered where asked for. I cannot close off the caring part of myself, I like that about me.

it is a fine balance, and each day I am learning.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks LTD! I was one of those people that came here over a year ago and couldn't believe some of what i was reading!! Couldn't believe i was being told (or suggested) that i had some problems of my own. I came here "perfect" and in no need of any fixing!! Ya, well a year later, with the help of SR and much needed therapy .... i had ALOT of fixing on my side of the street ;)

I was that new member that cried at every post i didn't like reading. Now i thank God for those posts because those are the ones that are the real eyeopeners and the ones i DID need to read. A year ago this coming weekend i left for vacation an absolute puddle mess, this year, i leave on Sat. for a week with friends and family to have a relaxing time!

For those that can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, just give it some time and be kind to yourself, you will get there! Thanks again LTD ... great post!

:ghug3

What a post.
I remember several times in several different post that I got exactly what I needed, whether I wanted to hear it or not. One is below:

(me)
Well this past Friday (13th) was my 21st wedding anniversary. My RAH has been sober now for 3 years 7 months. This anniversary was like no other anniversary before. It was almost as though he was staying at a distance. Some of you know my story

(Noelle)
"...this past Friday (13th) was my 21st wedding anniversary..."

Alcoholism is a family disease.....and the selfishness can be family-wide too.


NoelleR

I remember reading that and thinking what a bi***! Then as the day progressed, I thought that was selfish of me. It was not only MY anniversary but MY husbands as well.

B52 keeps me honest on a few. I have learned when sharing here or at my Al-Anon group, that everyone has a right to their own opinion. Whether theirs is right for you that's your business, but you respect those who that guts to talk and accept help.

I get on here everyday to read because I know just how sick my Al-Anon brain is.

I am thankful for my home group & I am very thankful for my "internet group".

It's not always easy hearing the truth, 9 times out of 10 it hurts, but to understand it's said with love, and encouragement helps.

Personally, I like it when not only one person, but several point out what I'm doing wrong, especially when I'm whining about my AH's behavior. I have a very hard time seeing my own faults but am very quick to point out somebody elses. I figure if 5 addicts can tell me about my Codie behavior, I must be codependent. I used to resent that something was "wrong" with me now too as a result of AH's disease - now SR is a reality-check for me. I know if I put something out there, I'm going to get honest and real feed-back, with love.

:ghug

What is invaluable to me about this group is that you are there to support me in the difficult time I'm going through. Due my weird work/home situation, I'm often withouth f2f support. You've helped me in my thinking, as well as with my mood. I cannot say how invaluable you all have been.

Thanks...

LTD-
Fantastic topic/post....and all posters...great anecdotes.
Love SR the same way...we're like a "cyber family"....sometimes you don't feel the love as much as other times, but you know that our collective intentions are to help in anyway our individual experiences can allow us to.

AND, on a humorous note...who better to offer help than a bunch of card-carrying CODIES.......that's what we're known for!!
: )
Rivka

For me, I know that I'm on a path of much of my own choosing. I know that some days it's bloody difficult and some days, not so bad. Some days I see my folly, and some days I think I got drug in here when I was unconscious. But irregardless, the benefit is not feeling so doggone, unspeakably and undeniably alone in my journey.

I don't love that someone else is hurting, but when I hear a story and can, with a stroke of the pen, erase their name and insert my own, I can say, "man, that's me!!!!"
And in seeing that, it helps clarify that not only am I not alone, but I care for that person and allows me to understand how all of these "strangers" can care for me.

It also allows me to hear through another's voice some of the krazy thinking that I so often find myself dwelling in and realize how much power I have over my own brain and ultimately, then, my life and choices.

You are all friends and companions. Thanks!