laurie6781

Recent posts about A's and their recovery.

This is only my own PERSONAL EXPERIENCE as a Recovering Alcoholic and Recovering Codie.

First of all, because I still sponsor many in recovery from alcohol I have to say, changes happen VERY SLOWLY! Not in a week, or a month, sometimes it can be a year or more before you finally see a 'light bulb' come on, and all that time they have been hanging on by their fingernails.

For the codie we don't see any change and start to believe that they are no different and maybe even worse not using.

Now back to the recovery from alcohol. When the alcohol is removed a lot of internal physical changes start to happen to the body. Many times what the person new in recovery perceives as cravings for alcohol are really cravings for SUGAR. The body all those years changed that alcohol to sugar, and now it wants MORE. This can cause great confusion to a very fragile mental state. We used alcohol to stay numb, to self medicate, for any number of reasons and now it is gone. Carbs can help with some of those cravings, pasta, and even hard candy to suck on for the quick fix, and a balanced diet for the long term, remembering that the alcoholic in early recovery has a good chance of being hypoglycemic.

For me personally, my mind felt like MUSH for almost 6 months and I was not real pleasant to be around. I was angry, I was sad, I was scared, etc etc and did not know how to deal with any of that. That was where the meetings came in for me. It was there I felt SAFE. It was there that I met and got to know people that REALLY understood as they had been where I was. My life became job (to keep roof over my head) and meetings. I think it was about 9 months or so when some SMALL light bulbs started going off, and I started to see that life could be more than just work and meetings.

However, I have to say that it was those meetings that kept me from going out. I was making some NEW friends and I DIDN'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT THEM. Hadn't reached the point yet of not wanting to disappoint myself or my family.

By one year I was able to start showing some compassion for others than just myself and my selfishness was subsiding a bit.

By 3 years I was sponsoring a bit, with guidance from my own sponsor, and on my actually 3 year anniversary my sponsor told me (I know I have said in the past STRONGLY SUGGESTED) but she came right out and said to me "Young lady it is TIME FOR YOU TO ATTEND ALANON IN ADDITION TO AA AND I WANT YOU TO START TODAY." Now to me that was a VERY STRONG suggestion, roflmao.

So I did, and it was there that I learned more and more about my 12 step program, and how to keep my eyes off the other alcoholics in my live, be they sponsees, my parents, my ex Husbands, other family etc. It was there I learned that I could only work on me. As a sponsor, I learned to stand back and watch. Of course, I always immediately (and still do) suggest that they call me daily. WHY? Just to see how willing they are to follow directions. Some do it, some start out once a week or several times a week.

Everyone has their own speed for recovery, and some definitely take longer than others. I am a FIRM BELIEVER in a person's ACTIONS, not the words that come out of their mouth that show how they are progressing in recovery. I also after over 27 years sober, and over 24 years in Alanon, do not expect much of anything for at least 6 months.

When it has been a member of my family and they get into one of their 'argumentative phases" I just look at them and say something like "gee I think that is better discussed with your sponsor." and I either walk away, change the subject or have to get off the phone. I refuse today to be 'sucked in' to the 'drama' and the 'games' and in one 'newly sober' the 'drama' and the 'games' can be worse than when they were ingesting alcohol and drugs.

I know it is hard when it is a loved one, however, I have come to believe that if we are suppose to get back with the person, it will happen when that person is in the correct place in their recovery.

Unfortunately with both my ex husbands that didn't happen, not that they didn't want it to. My first husband died on a sidewalk in downtown L.A. from alcoholism in March of '99 about 100 feet from where his older brother had died 22 years before him. My second husband died sober from lung cancer in January of '07 but never 'kicked' the gambling habit that took over for his alcoholism. I had to tell both of them over the years, "When you get 5 consecutive years in recovery we'll talk about it." Never happened. I hope I don't sound cold, but I had to PROTECT ME. I could not bear any longer to have my heart ripped out.

It has been the same with my sponsees. Some a person cannot help but get closer to than others, and it hurts just as bad when one of them relapses as it would if it was a blood family member.

I cannot HELP my sponsees, family members, friends etc stay sober and clean. I can only share WHEN ASKED what worked for me. And if I were to go back to my 'codie ways' then I would not only be HURTING MYSELF but I would be hurting anyone that might come down the road in my future because my ES&H would no longer mean anything.

We have a 'smilie' here

:codiepolice

That fortunately or unfortunately is SADLY TRUE.

The only one we can change is OURSELVES.

So please for your own SANITY, your own WELL BEING, your VERY LIFE, take your eyes off the A (no matter how much you love him/her) and put them on you.

Working on myself I have found is hard and requires MUCH MORE than just meetings and/or a therapist. It requires READING and then practicing what I have read. It requires JOURNALING and keeping those journals. Going back and reading them months or years later to see where I am now from where I was, to see what has changed and what still needs work.

I apologize for this being so long, but I have seen so many posts lately asking about "When", "How Do I know", "How Do I Trust" etc.

When..................Don't know.

How Do I know..............you don't

How Do I trust....................time and actions will show you.

Please, try for yourself to work on you. As you grow and change your actions toward your A and your reactions to your A will change. You will gain FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF YOURSELF.

Again, I apologize for this being so long, but I hope it will help someone, to know that I do understand, and I do know how DAMN HARD it is, but to survive addictions in a loved one, I MUST work on me, not the loved one.

J M H O

Love and lots of hugs,

Barbara52

Thank you very much for this post. It helps me very much.

11d

"I know it is hard when it is a loved one, however, I have come to believe that if we are suppose to get back with the person, it will happen when that person is in the correct place in their recovery."

Thank You for your post! Hearing about your stages, truly helps me to understand my RAH. He has 9 months and I thought things would progress faster. I am wrong. Keep posting for me to hear your insight and story. Your recovery is amazing.

isitme

Thanks! I needed that!

Bernadette

Super post Laurie!
Thanks!
B.

itisatruth

Long?? No way, I want more!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to do that and share your ES&H.

This quote, especially, was a great reminder to me that I need to keep the focus on what I can change......me.

:ghug3

miss communicat

Laurie

aewsome post!!!!!

should be made into a sticky!

Barbara52

Definitely stickie material!

DesertEyes

done stickied

Mike

CatsPajamas

Laurie,

Thanks for this. I was going to post something along the same thoughts... in today's society everything is instantaneous. Need money? an ATM spits it out. Want to learn about something? No need to go to the library: Instant information on the internet. Want to talk to a friend ~ or a stranger? Instant contact by cell phones and pagers. We are becoming accustomed to getting just about whatever we want whenever we want it. RIGHT NOW.

And then we are faced with a loved one's addiction or alcoholism or some other ism. AND often our own issues of codependency. I know when I realized what the problem was - when I really understood it was a problem of alcoholism on his part and serious codependency on my part, I wanted that to be it. OK. Now that I know what it is, I want it to go away. I want to read a book or take a class or go to a seminar and it will be gone.

~~~~~Insert full blown belly laughs here from those who've been there ~~~~

I was really po'd that I had to take it one day at a time. I was NOT happy to learn that things would get better s l o w l y. Over time. It took me 30+ years to get where I was, and it was going to take more than 30 minutes or 30 days for it to get better. I wanted a quick fix and it just doesn't work like that.

Thanks again Laurie for sharing your story. It reminds me that you can't always see you're making progress until you trudge along for awhile and then look back. Time takes time. And it takes its OWN dear sweet time!

NYC_Chick

Thanks Laurie!!!

prodigal

God bless you, Laurie. You listened to me whine for awhile and then you gave me a good dose of reality. I didn't like it at first and I thought, "Gee, she's being hard on me!" but I GOT IT. Somehow, it sunk in.

I didn't FEEL it right away, but I started ACTING towards my AH with detachment. I figured my feelings would catch up with my actions in time. They did. Today, I am able to live my life as I see fit regardless of what he chooses to do. And I respect his right to do it.

Thank you for a wonderful post. I am very grateful that we have you here on F&F.

MsPINKAcres

Thanks Laurie for sharing & Mike, thanks for making it a stickie!

I am just SO grateful to have SR. - The e, s, & h here is crucial to my recovery!

Rita

hbb

Thank you Laurie, I have learned SO much from every single one of your posts this past year. I congratulate you on your sobriety and your willingness to help so many others in need. Thanks again! Your a true asset to this site

Rella927

Yup Ditto what HBB said! Total Asset and I to have learned a lot over the years from you!

Thank you for this

Simply amazing woman! Congrats on your time and thank you for all you share

Live

Rock on! Laurie! Thank you for taking the time, the thought, the effort into composing and typing that post. I am grateful for it. And, should you feel the urge for more, the sequel, please do not hesitate.

Live/Tena

cem001

Great post. I like to read about the other side of the coin, so to speak. Even though I attend open AA meetings, read the big book. So much of it just to me is unbelievable. The thing I have the most issues with are the "black outs". I have spoken to my sponsor about it as well as RAH, but they give me no REAL answers. I have lived through them with the husband, seen him go through them. I just can't comprehend them.

rivka

Laurie-
Fantastic post.
You unfortunately had to go through alot in order to have this experience to share, but as they say, "if it helps one person, it's worth it".
Well, I'm sure you have helped MANY here with your insight.
I've copied your post to my personal file, so I can read it often. It's great therapy on it's own.
God Bless...and KEEP POSTING.
rivka

laurie6781

Ah yes, blackouts, oh they were so much fun, NOT

I for a long time thought everybody had them, then in recovery I found out nope, 'normies' don't.

Let's see, getting up in the morning and looking around to see where I was. Now if I was in my own home then the next step was to look outside and see if I could see my vehicle and how it was parked. Then with head pounding, go get some coffee with Jack Daniels in it and try and start calling people I thought I might have been with the night before to find out what happened and what I did or didn't do.

Now, if I woke up in a strange place, there were 3 primary questions to be asked immediately:

1. Where Am I?

2. Who the h*** are you?

3. Where's the bathroom and my clothes?

Yes, it is funny to me now, but it wasn't then.

I also have to tell that to this day, I still have no recollections, NONE from approximately Aug of '72 until the end of 1973. They are gone, never to return. That is because alcohol KILLED brain cells, lots and lots of them.

Blackouts come about from the alcohol, enough alcohol to kill enough cells, that the person does not remember the next day what they did. Yes, it is HORRIBLE, it is SCARY, and because I and many other alkies I know couldn't deal with the ramifications and the fear, we drank more to stay in denial.

Blackouts as bad as they are, are only a small part of the H**L that an alcoholic and/or addict lives in. Unfortunately, the family, spouse, SO, siblings, children and friends of the afflicted one will probably never have a full understanding of the affliction, thus their only recourse is to work on themselves and find their own way for peace and serenity.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

p.s. Thank you all for your kind words. I heard in early recovery that in order to keep "IT" I had to give "IT" away, and to be honest it made no sense to me whatsoever then. Over the years, it has come to make a LOT of sense to me, and anytime my ES&H can turn on just a spark of a light bulb in someone else that is suffering, than I have gratitude and continued hope.

Again, thank you all for your kind words.

good_luck

Wow... this totally blows my mind.

Thank you so much for this post.