Wandererr

Hi there everyone I spent last night lurking around forums and found connections with many of you. The lurking led me to register today. I'm not even sure which questions to ask so I'll just share my story and any advice you can give would be GREATLY appreciated. Sorry in advance for the novel I'm about to write lol

I've been married to an alcoholic/substance abuser for the past 5 years. We met when I was 18 and then married when I was 20. He has always had a drinking problem and will basically do any drug he can get his hands on. I knew that going into this but still I married him. Looking back, I see how dependent on other people I was and how little I loved myself. AH joined the military before we got married so I thought maybe it would help him get over his drinking and grow up. It did, for awhile, for the duration of basic training...and then he was back to it again. AH is now out of the military and immediately started smoking marijuana daily and any pills that he can get. His father is a terrible drunk, yellow eyes and all. AH's mom and I have both told him he is going to end up like the father he hates so much but he insists we're being cruel and cries. I have almost left him two times but he can manipulate like no other. If I get upset over something, he can turn it around and make me feel crazy or stupid without me even realizing what's going on. I've caught onto this little game but it's still hard. The two times that I've gotten close to leaving, he will stop drinking (except on weekends) and become very attentive to me. However, whenever I bring up how much the drinking bothers me, he retorts with "who are you sleeping with? what's his name?" This is EXTREMELY frustrating. I have loved him, lied for him, stood by him - he just can't take responsibility for anything he does. He has hardly ever gone with me to see my family, even on holidays. He only wants to stay with his family because they allow him to get drunk without making him feel bad. Or, if he did go with me, he'd start pestering me to leave only a few hours later. Needless to say, since I married him I haven't seen my family all that often because it's embarrassing that he doesn't come with me. I feel that the reason he doesn't want to take responsibility for himself is because his parents have always let him get away with ANYTHING. If he ever got into financial trouble, they would ALWAYS bail him out. We have been struggling the past year financially but yet everyday he will go by a 12 or 24 pack of beer and drink himself into a stupor and then smoke up. He has even taken money from me without my knowledge to buy the pot. I feel very bitter.

This is why it's so hard for me to leave: he is a highly functioning alcoholic and we get along pretty well. He has a good job, makes decent money but will still call in when he's hung over, etc. Over the past 3 years though, I have just lost the will to want to be with him and make it work. The only reason I stayed was because I felt so bad for hurting him by threatening to leave. (How lame is that lol) I'm smarter than this! It's so aggravating because my brain feels like it's screaming to get out of my body and to run away. It's like one of those nightmares where you're trying to run from your death but your body feels so heavy and weighted. When I think about leaving him, I feel elated. I'm so sick of picking up the pieces. I'm so ready to assert my independence and take care of just me for once. I just don't know how to go about this, especially when we get along so well and I feel so bad for leaving him to his own demise. I don't want to sit here and wait and then 15 years later wake up and realize I've wasted my life with him. (Thankfully, we don't have children together.) I always listen to that song by Queen, I Want to Break Free and think,THAT'S ME!

cem001

Your story is my story. My RAH and I have been married now for 21 years. He was drunk 17 years of them. Looking back (I was 17 1/2 years old) when we first got married I was a fool. I should have never entered into a relationship that the "drink" was more important. Later after kids (5 years later) and seeing the "verbal" abuse he was and still is good at, I think "how could I be so stupid"? Then I found Al-Anon, and found out that I am NOT just crazy as he would so easily make me think. He had a disease, a very sick, uncurable disease.

His verbal abuse is almost void now after 3 years and 8 months of sobriety. Don't get me wrong that jeckel and hyde personality is still there and rears it's ugly head when we least expect it.

Find yourself an Al-Anon group. Had I done that so many years ago when it was suggested, I would have found serenity (for the most part) a lot sooner.

Angelus

Yes the first thing is to find an Alanon group, or several so you can stay with one you're comfortable with. Then read Codependent No More, and The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

It sounds like you've done all you can and you're at a crossroads. Focus on your own growth and recovery, learn to detach a little at a time and find your own sense of inner peace separate from him. And don't take any further responsibility for his disease.
:ghug3

Wandererr

Thank you both for the advice. It really does help to know that you're not alone. I will begin looking for a group as well as reading the books mentioned. I have slowly worked on detaching myself for awhile now - really without realizing what I was doing. AH hates this as he constantly want me to be paying attention to him and entertaining him unless he's doing something that has him preoccupied. I DO plan on leaving but what is the best way to do this? To those of you that have left your A: what did you say? AH has threatened me before if I ever try to leave or if I ever cheat on him. Not sure if these are just empty threats but still, I'm a little wary.

sunflowerintx

I won't bore you with all the details but I'm separated from my AH. We've been on and off for 19 years and have two beautiful children.

It's been nothing but broken promises of change...to stop drinking....to stop being abusive, etc. He never followed through.

On that note, I will tell you a story. I have a relative who was very sweet and she spent many years (15 or 20 maybe) with a man who was an abusive drug addict and alcoholic. When she finally left him for good, she moved to another state and eventually met a really GOOD man. They adopted two girls and had a profitable business. She was sick for many of their years together because she had a congenital kidney condition. In fact, she had one of her mom's kidneys. Her new H was good to her and provided well for his family.

Because she was so ill during most of her second marriage, one day she told her mom "I gave all of my good years to the wrong man."

I don't want to have to say that someday. I'm still young enough to have a good life, with or without a man (I'm almost 37).

Barbara52

Welcome! I do not go to AlAnon and I think I'm doing pretty well in my own journey of self discovery and recovery. I do second the book recommendations. Keep reading in here too. THere a lot of us who have been living the same life.

kristenv

Be strong! You are young and could have a bright future ahead of you. Stick with your word and if he changes and sticks to a program and if you still feel the relationship is worth trying then do it. But focus on you and how and what makes you happy. It sounds like you want a change and the only person who can make that happen is you!! I wish you the best of luck

NeedHappiness

When I asked my XABF to leave, I did it one morning when he was hungover and laying on the couch....too sick to go to work. I calmly told him that "I cannot do this anymore. I would like you to take your paycheck this week and find somewhere else to live". I set a date when I expected him to be moved out and that weekend, I went to stay with a friend so I didn't have to witness it all. (I did that for my OWN well being)
It was not easy to tell him. I still love him very much but he continued to cross the boundaries I had set and I reached a breaking point. Just remember, make sure you follow through with what you say. I made the mistake of kicking him out twice in the past but always let him come back. THIS time, he was expecting the same thing.

Good luck to you.

endzoner

my pass expericences like yours and many others were so much the same , I tried to get out and wanted to get out , and i did get out only thing was I did it in a not so great way , I should of had the courage to just leave on my own reasons , Instead I seeked out another man and ended up leaving my XAH for the other , as it turned out that didnt work and I was caught , that didnt make things any better . I should of just packed up while he was at work , I had planned the leave to be with the other for some time , so why couldnt I just do it with out ? I dont know It was a reason i guess and not one of a clear head at that time neighter , I of corse was a drinker then myself . Be honnest with yourself and your family they are very important in your life and can perhaps help you at least understand where your at in your life . I wasnt at that time , tho they knew there was problems I just wasnt honnest bout the situation of verbal abuse along with all the other things that go with that . Wrong I was for leaving the way I did , But in the end was the best mistake of my life ! I hope you find strenght to do what is best for yourself , Its your time to shine . lifes to short not to ba happy I know I wasted 15 yrs with him and many yrs drunk . now sober and greatful to my HP n my family for supporting my choices to leave regardless of how I did it . My you find serenity and happiness in life ..

Rainbowsend

I don't go to Alanon either, too difficult for me to fit in round long hours and childcare but I'd try it if I could. If you can get to a group it's at least worth a try as it seems to have helped so many that post here.

Please continue to read, SR has been a boon to me and really opened my eyes. You will get straightforward responses but all with the best of intentions and we've all experienced simillar situations. Look after yourself.

austingemini

Welcome welcome! Happy to have you come and share. Sounds like you've been through a lot. You may not always like what you're going to hear on here but it's always meant to help. While I certainly don't have all of the details you can imagine how things must look from the outside looking in at your life.

You sound very bright and warm. It's also great to see what compassion you have for others. That's selflessness that you don't see often. It's also encouraging to see how much thought you've put into your situation. I wonder if there isn't another way to look at it.

No one can 'make you feel' anything. You either make yourself feel that way or you don't. It's a choice, so let's start by removing the 'excuse crutches'. It's also a choice to live in a situation that doesn't make you completely happy. I can't imagine if I asked you to write out your perfect life that you'd include an alcoholic in it. Is it possible you have low self esteem? When sentences start with "This is why it's so hard to leave:" you can often proceed that entire sentence with "I have low self esteem" or "I choose not to make a change". You certainly can't control his actions, you can only control your own. So make changes.

It's incredibly therapeutic and helpful to talk about these things. It's even more powerful to do things. Again, not trying to be an ass-hat, just want you to possibly see things in a different light. Take care!!

justsomegirl

Holy..I sure recognized myself in your story. I'm still in the spot you are in and looking for answers. I hope you find yours. It is so amazing how they turn our concern/anger around on us. I often end up apologising because he spent so much on beer and pot and we have no money for other things. You found a great support here.

Berry76

To Wandererr:

It's like I'm reading my own life when I read what you wrote.
I too has been married for 5 years to and AH and in the beginning I was blind and didn't see it. But then once I started realizing what was going on it became vary hard.
I wanted to leave for the longest time, but I didn't want to hurt him or what ever, and looking back that was so stupid, I didn't want to hurt him, but he had no problem lying, drinking smoking weed and taking pills and ruin us financially and then blame it on me... Wow...
It would have been so much easier if he had been a total ass or something, but the few hours a day that he was "normal" he was the sweetest, most caring guy you'll ever know, not that he was mean when he was drunk, he was just numb and "useless" can't think of a better word.

I didn't so much leave, I had no choice, I was the one who was thrown out.
I had told him I was leaving as soon as I had all my papers and things in order, and while I was waiting he ended up in the hospital due to him taking pills and ran out so he had a seizure so anyway I got thrown out and that was that...

But it is as you say so hard, you want to make it as smooth as possible. But I hate to tell you I don't think that will happen. A break up is bad enough as it is and throw in Alcohol and drugs it doesn't make things easier.
I felt like I was kind of giving up on him and you don't give up on sick people but the problem with this deciece is that you really can't do much if they don't want the help.
And you are just going to get more lies and promises and it might work as you say for the short run, for me it would be a couple of days and then all promises was out the door.
If I had a dollar ever time he said I promise I would be well off by now.

You will probably feel guilt, anger and sadness all mixed up once and if you do leave.
I was and still am a wreck, some days are ok, some I feel so bad that I just left him to fend for himself, and then I get mad for all the lies etc. So it's guilt, sadness, anger all mixed up in a blender.
It really does help to get on here to write, or even just read to know that you are not alone, and you'll soon the the pattern, I don't know how many posts I have read here and thought, OMG i'm reading about myself.

Ok I'm really not giving you any advice, just rambling on...

I hope all will work out for you and that you will find the strength to take care of yourself and what's best for you!
Best of luck!

GiveLove

Wandererr,

You could just belittle the feelings you're having -- that you don't want to make it work any more, that you've lost what you felt for him -- but that's just keeping both him, and YOU, from moving on to lives that better suit you.

How did I? I identified where all of my important papers were in my house, and hid them in a special file. I separated my finances by getting my own bank accounts, and started diverting all of my own money into them. I got MY things in MY name. (all of this without making a fuss of it) I found an apartment. And then I told him, very clearly and calmly, what I was going to do, and why, and waited for the worst. I planned to move out in a month but ended up moving out in a week because of his verbal abuse, which was six days longer than I should have.

It sounds like he might be a control freak, so if I were you, I'd check out the battered womens' resources in your area first, in case you have to find shelter. But the thing that will freak him out most of all is if you waffle, say things like "maybe if" and "if only", which are signs that he can change the outcome by manipulating more. Threatening to leave him when you don't actually have any intention of doing it is cruel. Actually leaving him, while painful, at least removes the possibility that he can do or say something -- for a few days or a week -- that will make it all better again.

No one can tell you the right thing to do. But imho, you're not doing anyone any favors by staying in a relationship just because "you get along pretty well." An XABF was shocked when I left, because, as he put it, "I've never beat you up or anything."

As if that's all we can expect out of one of the most important relationships of our lives.

You deserve better. You deserve love, and respect, both giving and getting. But you're going to have to jump through a couple of flaming hoops to get there. There are a lot of us here who would tell you that it's really, really worth it, just to get off the rollercoaster and find a life that makes you happy to wake up every morning. But it's really your choice. Do you think you're worth it?

sunflowerintx

I just realized that I forgot to mention that the relative in my story passed away a year ago. She was not yet 50 years old. My heart breaks for the two girls (ages 13 and 14) left behind. I hope they know how truly wonderful their mother was.

Wandererr

Wow...after reading all of your responses, I'm SO glad that I found this site. sunflowerintx, what you said about your friend really struck me, "I gave all my good years to the wrong man" - that REALLY makes you stop and think. Barbara52, I keep reading the first quote in your signature. You really can't rescue anyone but yourself and that can take a long time to realize! Augustgemini, thank you for the kind words and honesty I DO have self esteem issues. When I look at it the way you suggested, I'm baffled at myself lol :wtf2 How strange to bury your head in the sand and feel life pass you by. There's nothing ass-hat'ish about what you said, again, thanks for being honest! I really want any and all opinions, good or bad, so that I can see things from all angles. justsomegirl, I felt like I looked in a mirror when I read your post. My heart really goes out to you...please keep in touch and let me know how/what you're doing and how you're managing! As bad as it is to see people go through it, it certainly does help to know that there are others in identical/similar situations. Berry76, you're absolutely right about wanting things to go smoothly...not gonna happen. It is funny (in a twisted way) that we carry around so much guilt for wanting to leave them yet they will continue to lie or do as they please with no regard for anyone else. What the hell? You were dead on when you said how it would be SO much easier if they were total asses. But no, they're usually nice and easy to get along with! Drives me crazy! Maybe this is where a lot of the manipulation lies? GiveLove, what you said is inspiring. It truly is unfair to me and to him that I stay for all the wrong reasons. It's time for me to take the next step and get my own bank account, etc. I have a cousin that lives 2 hours away from me and she has asked me to come and get a place with her. I work full time and I'm in school as well (something for me!) so I think this will suit me best for now as opposed to renting an apt on my own. I'm getting stronger and stronger and for the first time ever, I feel I deserve to be happy and I'm now more than willing to do it on my own without leaning on anyone else! I'M SO READY!! Thank you all so much for the wonderful, warm welcome. I look forward to getting to know all of you!

Lilyflower

Hi wandererr! Welcome to SR, have you read the sticky posts at the top of the forums on SR? They are full of useful advice and information.

I too have not attended an al-anon meeting, I separated from my exabf of four years at the end of February this year.

I managed to break it off after perhaps a year of telling him how bad I was feeling, leaving, coming back, throwing him out, taking him back etc etc. So for me too, the abf did not think I was serious the last time!

For me, he had been sober on and off. Sober for a week or two, then drunk for a week or two, for the few months prior. He had attended AA, then stopped, couselling, then stopped. After spending a week with him sober, decorating the kitchen etc, hoping the AA meets and counselling would pick up again and feeling close, he started acting suspiciously and after a day or so, I knew he was drinking again. I was devestated.

On the Thursday, I came home from work early to find the house empty, he was supposed to be meeting my parents to collect my daughter (a responsibility I had previously taken away) this was the first time he had this job for months and months. Needless to say, he never came home. I collected my daughter. Finally in the early hours of the morning he stumbled into the house, proceded to hurl verbal abuse at me, leave the cooker switched on (which I noticed when I began to smell burning) and pass out face first into the food he had made himself.

The next day I had a heart to heart with my mum, and told her I was done, but I was so afraid I couldn't get by without him financially (a fact he had drilled into me, and I had believed for years). With her advice and support, I made the decision and went home to tell him.

I simply went into the house found him drinking upstairs and said, i want to break up, this isn't working for me.

I did it the hard way, as the house was in my name, I gave him a month to find somewhere to live. For me that was the best option as i struggled with not being too hard on him, but knowing I needed closure. It was a hard month, he never did find himself anywhere to go, and is now living with his dad.

I hope you find the strength to follow the course that is right for you, keep posting and reading. If you click on our names the threads and posts we have made will come up for you to read.

Remember the 3 C's - You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it!

love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OverItNow

Hi and welcome to SR--this forum has helped me more than anything I've tried as I don't have an option for Al-Anon either (kids, etc). You will find many (if not most) of the people here sharing your experience. I did, but I also am on my 16th years and two small children with him. Mine is a pill freak too--not regularly, but if someone has something he'll take it without regard. I know it's hard--BELIEVE me I do, but come back and read and post a lot. There is a lot of support here. I just wanted to gently point out two things you said in your post. I re-read several times and wonder if, perhaps, you'd find your answer within these words:

This is why it's so hard for me to leave: he is a highly functioning alcoholic and we get along pretty well and then,

Over the past 3 years though, I have just lost the will to want to be with him and make it work.

doesn't sound living the full, exciting and passionate life you could!

austingemini

Wanderr, a wonderful exercise to try is to sit down and write out your perfect life. Be as detailed as possible. Write it and never share it with anyone. If you do share it, you'll find yourself writing things you think you should want and not writing things you might be embarrassed to admit to wanting. It's eye-opening. If you look around you might just discover not much about your life would come with you in your new one. It's also a great tool for subconsciously pushing us toward better things.