Working on Yourself
 

When my husband was doing everything he could to keep our marriage together, I sat back and wondered why. I knew in my heart but I didnt want to believe it, I kept thinking I could make him love me, how can he not love me I do everything. He isnt going to find someone to do what I do. But you know what if my H really thought it was over he would have me replaced in probably a week. He feels he needs someone and I was scared to let go, because I know he would replace me that quickly.

I have to say in my mind it is not me at all. He cant love anyone, when he doesnt even like himself. I swear my husband hates what he does and who he is, but he comes across like he hates everyone else to make himself feel better he has to blame everyone else.

He is always validating, and making excuses for his behvior, while he is critizing everyone elses behavior. I think it is the only thing in his mind to like himself a little or while he is bitching for that moment or that hour, and that causes so much chaos, and so much turmoil inside himself that he needs to self medicate to ease his emotional pain. Wow what a viscous circle.

I know that there is not one thing I can do to help him at this point I dont even want to help him. Stepping back and looking in is pretty scary.

Through helping myself and reading and learning and working on myself has helped me understand and heal part of my mind and has changed my thinking.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in chaos and I have to sit back and remind myself why it is so important to work a recovery for me.

I'm having a restless night wondering where my AH has got to, he wasn't home when I got in but he has been here. No note telling me where he is or even when he'll be back. I'm trying to ignore it but it's making me unsettled and feeling crap. Then read your post. It sounds as if we're married to the same man... Thank you. I'm not alone in trying to step back from the chaos - it's just that some times are harder than others! Time to do some reading and get myself back on track. Thank you Cassey.

Amen to that.

:ghug

I understand, my thoughts were if only I can make him happy then everything will be alright, but who's making you happy?