When you answer: It's Too Bad to Stay
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When you answer: It's Too Bad to Stay
At the end of my last thread I said I was going to read this book.. Here's what has happend. I guess I just needed to write it out for my own clarification and documentation..
Well, I finished reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I knew what the answer would be; I’ve known the answer for a very long time. Yet I still found myself clinging to the one or two answers I could find that said to stay. I was still using the balance scale theory with the yes and no answers. That is until I got to the end, where it clearly stated if you have gotten the answer that you will be happier if you leave from any ONE question then you should go. HOLY MOLY! I think I truthfully got 15 or 16 “leaves” out of 35.
For whatever reason this was crazy for me to see in black and white and it makes all the little behaviors seem that much more annoying. When you realize that you do everything you can to limit your contact, have nothing in common, no goals and no fun.. what are you waiting for. I still don’t know.
I told him on Saturday that I was done. That I wanted to be finished with this (getting seperated) before the baby gets here. He agreed. Like always. This is where the cycle starts over again. He tells me all the things he’s going to do, helpful and evil. Then he puts on the Father of the Year show and within a day and a half acts like nothing is wrong!!!!! I’ve been roped into this nice guy scam to many times. Why can’t I stay mad enough to follow through?
The worst part is that I KNOW now that my 3 year old really does understand what's going on. That hurts the most. I tired to say I didn’t have anything else to say, but when he kept asking for it, I finally gave it to him. I heard her say to him. “Daddy, Mommy is REALLY mad.” After that I left. What surprised me even more is that he actually told me the other two things she said after I was gone.
I guess they went to his Mom and Dad’s house and her grandpa asked her if her Daddy was treating her alright. She said “Yeah, but he’s mean to Mommy.” OMG! How heart breaking is that? I couldn't even ask him what his father said about that, but I’m sure it wasn’t nice. I couldn’t even believe he told me that it happened. He also said that she told him “You need to be nice to Mommy.”
I found a lawyer that will do free consultations; I just need to call them. However I feel like I’ve already fallen back into the nice guy scam, just waiting for the next big thing.
Well, I finished reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I knew what the answer would be; I’ve known the answer for a very long time. Yet I still found myself clinging to the one or two answers I could find that said to stay. I was still using the balance scale theory with the yes and no answers. That is until I got to the end, where it clearly stated if you have gotten the answer that you will be happier if you leave from any ONE question then you should go. HOLY MOLY! I think I truthfully got 15 or 16 “leaves” out of 35.
For whatever reason this was crazy for me to see in black and white and it makes all the little behaviors seem that much more annoying. When you realize that you do everything you can to limit your contact, have nothing in common, no goals and no fun.. what are you waiting for. I still don’t know.
I told him on Saturday that I was done. That I wanted to be finished with this (getting seperated) before the baby gets here. He agreed. Like always. This is where the cycle starts over again. He tells me all the things he’s going to do, helpful and evil. Then he puts on the Father of the Year show and within a day and a half acts like nothing is wrong!!!!! I’ve been roped into this nice guy scam to many times. Why can’t I stay mad enough to follow through?
The worst part is that I KNOW now that my 3 year old really does understand what's going on. That hurts the most. I tired to say I didn’t have anything else to say, but when he kept asking for it, I finally gave it to him. I heard her say to him. “Daddy, Mommy is REALLY mad.” After that I left. What surprised me even more is that he actually told me the other two things she said after I was gone.
I guess they went to his Mom and Dad’s house and her grandpa asked her if her Daddy was treating her alright. She said “Yeah, but he’s mean to Mommy.” OMG! How heart breaking is that? I couldn't even ask him what his father said about that, but I’m sure it wasn’t nice. I couldn’t even believe he told me that it happened. He also said that she told him “You need to be nice to Mommy.”
I found a lawyer that will do free consultations; I just need to call them. However I feel like I’ve already fallen back into the nice guy scam, just waiting for the next big thing.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Originally Posted by isitme 
[I]
For whatever reason this was crazy for me to see in black and white and it makes all the little behaviors seem that much more annoying. When you realize that you do everything you can to limit your contact, have nothing in common, no goals and no fun.. what are you waiting for. I still don’t know.
For whatever reason this was crazy for me to see in black and white and it makes all the little behaviors seem that much more annoying. When you realize that you do everything you can to limit your contact, have nothing in common, no goals and no fun.. what are you waiting for. I still don’t know.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
I think the time to leave is when the anger is gone. Unless of course you are in danger. I was so angry for so long and all's it did was give me a head ache. When i detached myself from the whole mess of waiting for him to mess up again, I became calm and stronger and I left, with no argument. I'm still in pain but I'm not angry anymore. I read the same book and came up with the same answers as you...still took a while before I left.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I agree with the other posts. You don't need anger to leave. I don't feel hostile towards my STBXAH (not all the time anyway). I just KNOW I do not want to be with him anymore. I stayed so long for my kids, just giving him chance after chance to make it better. And, putting up with unbelievable amounts of crap in the mean time. When the last straw broke, I was just done. Not angry...just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
The thing that helped me is that I knew I had to make a change. And if me making a change would do something to upset the apple cart in his world...well, maybe he would change. Nothing is stopping you from getting back together at some point. No decision you make right now has to be final. It's just a change. It's as simple as making a decision to do just ONE thing to start living YOUR life again.
The thing that helped me is that I knew I had to make a change. And if me making a change would do something to upset the apple cart in his world...well, maybe he would change. Nothing is stopping you from getting back together at some point. No decision you make right now has to be final. It's just a change. It's as simple as making a decision to do just ONE thing to start living YOUR life again.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Thanks! I know what you all mean about not having to be angry to leave. I guess I just feel bad and or guilty about it, it's so much easier to say it out of anger. I know I shouldn't but I do. I suppose that's why he doesn't believe I'll actually go. I wish it would workout between us, but I don't really think there is anything left. And that hurts too.
He tried to ask me about it last night when he was on his way out the door. I simply told him that when he actually feels like sitting down and having an adult conversation about the situation I'd be happy to have that, but until then, I don't plan to say anything about it as he's walking out the door.
He tried to ask me about it last night when he was on his way out the door. I simply told him that when he actually feels like sitting down and having an adult conversation about the situation I'd be happy to have that, but until then, I don't plan to say anything about it as he's walking out the door.
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