He wants to know
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
He wants to know
My AH is asking me to email him a list of things I find to be romantic, because (through his expressed frustration *sigh*) he explained that nothing he is doing seems to work.
He said that he knows plenty what does NOT turn me on. I started thinking about it. I really don't know what does turn me on.
I guess anything that I would find romantic would be things done for me, with zero expectations. Just for me, with "me" being the key word. Not HIM!!
For example, someone we know told him the best way her husband can get lucky with her is if he does the dishes. So, my AH will do the dishes, and then want me to meet him in the bedroom. I'm thinking, "I would have RATHER done the dishes than to feel like you feel justified demanding something from me just because you did the dishes." Make sense????
I'd be turned on by sobriety!!!!!! And I'd be turned on if he stopped dipping tobacco (ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew, our days of passionate kisses ended YEARS ago, I can see his rotted roots in his bottom teeth)
And I'd be sooooooo turned on if I ever found out incidentally that he said something like a friend of mine said about his wife a few days ago. I spoke with a high school friend a few days ago who I haven't spoken with in a year or so. Asked him how his kids are doing and asked about his wife. He said, "She's going great. I'm so lucky to have her." They have been married 17 years. Brought tears to my eyes. What a sweet thing to say. He still adores her.
Obviously, I have a very different scenario going on over here. So, what do you find romantic? Any suggestions?
He said that he knows plenty what does NOT turn me on. I started thinking about it. I really don't know what does turn me on.
I guess anything that I would find romantic would be things done for me, with zero expectations. Just for me, with "me" being the key word. Not HIM!!
For example, someone we know told him the best way her husband can get lucky with her is if he does the dishes. So, my AH will do the dishes, and then want me to meet him in the bedroom. I'm thinking, "I would have RATHER done the dishes than to feel like you feel justified demanding something from me just because you did the dishes." Make sense????
I'd be turned on by sobriety!!!!!! And I'd be turned on if he stopped dipping tobacco (ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew, our days of passionate kisses ended YEARS ago, I can see his rotted roots in his bottom teeth)
And I'd be sooooooo turned on if I ever found out incidentally that he said something like a friend of mine said about his wife a few days ago. I spoke with a high school friend a few days ago who I haven't spoken with in a year or so. Asked him how his kids are doing and asked about his wife. He said, "She's going great. I'm so lucky to have her." They have been married 17 years. Brought tears to my eyes. What a sweet thing to say. He still adores her.
Obviously, I have a very different scenario going on over here. So, what do you find romantic? Any suggestions?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
I have a long way to go
I find it amazing that my husband says he did laundry for me, or hung up all the clothes for me. I may get turned on if he would stop doing so much for me. lol
I think if I were in a healthy relationship, I may get my drive to be romanced back.
I find it amazing that my husband says he did laundry for me, or hung up all the clothes for me. I may get turned on if he would stop doing so much for me. lol
I think if I were in a healthy relationship, I may get my drive to be romanced back.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
I'm afraid I'm too far past the point of no return...I was always the type that didn't ask for anything...all it would take is a kind word or a little positive attention to me or the kids. I'm afraid those days are over...I don't think he could do anything to make me want him again. Too far gone...To think I thought he was my world at one time and then he just started chipping away at it and it finally crumbled.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by theotherone 
I'm afraid I'm too far past the point of no return...I was always the type that didn't ask for anything...all it would take is a kind word or a little positive attention to me or the kids. I'm afraid those days are over...I don't think he could do anything to make me want him again. Too far gone...To think I thought he was my world at one time and then he just started chipping away at it and it finally crumbled.
Plus.. telling someone exactly what you think is romantic and having them duplicated it isn't really romantic. It's the spontinaity and thoughfulness of the simple gesture that makes it romantic. Not that he can follow directions.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I could never find anything romantic while living with an active A. EVERYTHING my XABF did was expected to repaid with sex. I refused because i thought it was so rude and disrespectful. Just being thankful or appreciative was not enough and I knew what he "expected" of me. Total turn off. Total manipulation. Totally killed my desire to be intimate with him.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The word romance was long gone in my marriage. Along with respect and trust and everything else that would have made romance a possibility. It wasn't something that I would have been willing to discuss with my xAH before I left.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
If your AH hasn't laid off the vodka and you find sobriety romantic, I don't have any suggestions. When my AH made booze the top priority in his life, it didn't matter what nice gestures he made towards me. I saw the gestures as coming across as hallow attempts to hold together the appearances of a marriage.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sounds not like he wants to be romantic, but he wants to know how many coins (and what denomination) he can put in the machine so you'll dispense sex.
Do you FIND him physically/sexually attractive? If you met him tomorrow, would you think, "Hmmm, wish I had me one of those" ?
If you do, then tell him what he wants to know -- there must be some things he can say or do -- or better, that you can do together -- that make you feel that warmth toward him.
If you don't, be honest with him and point out that his drinking, tobacco, abuse, and rotten teeth have rendered him so unattractive that you have to force yourself to be physical with him. If he stopped drinking, quit with the chaw, and fixed his teeth, that would be a step in the right direction. Otherwise, nothing.
What a find romantic: A man who is my friend and partner, whom I'm still in love with, who doesn't abuse alcohol, and who doesn't try to trade housework, auto repair, or dinner-and-a-movie for sex.
Do you FIND him physically/sexually attractive? If you met him tomorrow, would you think, "Hmmm, wish I had me one of those" ?
If you do, then tell him what he wants to know -- there must be some things he can say or do -- or better, that you can do together -- that make you feel that warmth toward him.
If you don't, be honest with him and point out that his drinking, tobacco, abuse, and rotten teeth have rendered him so unattractive that you have to force yourself to be physical with him. If he stopped drinking, quit with the chaw, and fixed his teeth, that would be a step in the right direction. Otherwise, nothing.
What a find romantic: A man who is my friend and partner, whom I'm still in love with, who doesn't abuse alcohol, and who doesn't try to trade housework, auto repair, or dinner-and-a-movie for sex.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I must be the old fashioned romantic type. Emailing your requests! Not romantic is it.
I guess men just want to make us happy and it seems doing some cooking, dishes, making the bed etc they think will do it. Thats great - I appreciate it but every now and again Id like flowers/a card/a message on a screwed up piece of paper or even a surprise!!! Its uncanny but last night I actually asked him why he was never romantic and guess what he said. I guess I have taken you for granted havent I. But you know what, it wont change a thing (Ill get flowers at my funeral )
I guess men just want to make us happy and it seems doing some cooking, dishes, making the bed etc they think will do it. Thats great - I appreciate it but every now and again Id like flowers/a card/a message on a screwed up piece of paper or even a surprise!!! Its uncanny but last night I actually asked him why he was never romantic and guess what he said. I guess I have taken you for granted havent I. But you know what, it wont change a thing (Ill get flowers at my funeral )
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
I feel so fortunate to be able to say what IS romantic AND a turn on (to me) because my BF is.
He is sober. He is spiritually alive. He tells me he loves me out of the blue. He is 100% available. He is interested in my animals and in my daily life. He is involved in his childrens's lives. He goes out of his way to consider my feelings. he is willing to grow and to change. He loves to discuss his feelings. He listens to me. He gives blood in my name. He tells his buddies how lucky he is to have me in his life. He likes to dance.
Basically it has to do with the first 2 things on the list: He is sober and spiritually alive. And, it does take one to know one. Once I got into recovery and got spiritually awakened, I started to attract and WANT healthy men. What a blast!!
Just want you all to know, it IS possible!
He is sober. He is spiritually alive. He tells me he loves me out of the blue. He is 100% available. He is interested in my animals and in my daily life. He is involved in his childrens's lives. He goes out of his way to consider my feelings. he is willing to grow and to change. He loves to discuss his feelings. He listens to me. He gives blood in my name. He tells his buddies how lucky he is to have me in his life. He likes to dance.
Basically it has to do with the first 2 things on the list: He is sober and spiritually alive. And, it does take one to know one. Once I got into recovery and got spiritually awakened, I started to attract and WANT healthy men. What a blast!!
Just want you all to know, it IS possible!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Reminds me of the old story where the wife asks her husband, "Why don't you ever tell me you love me?" He looks at her in baffled surprise, and replies, "Well, I told you I loved you the day we got married, and it's been 25 years, so if anything changes I'll let you know!"
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
hmmmmmm
I am the one asking for romance in my marriage. All my prior relationships were very romantic. I really feel the loss. I wonder if he loves me?
He does nice things....but really....isn't the laundry his also, my kids did their own at 11,
didn't we both eat off the dishes, don't we both live here. Those are just chores. They aren't favors to me.
Last night I dreamt I was with someone else. It hurt me all day, but I knew it came from starvation.
Sorry to get off track. Touched off something with me.
I am the one asking for romance in my marriage. All my prior relationships were very romantic. I really feel the loss. I wonder if he loves me?
He does nice things....but really....isn't the laundry his also, my kids did their own at 11,
didn't we both eat off the dishes, don't we both live here. Those are just chores. They aren't favors to me.
Last night I dreamt I was with someone else. It hurt me all day, but I knew it came from starvation.
Sorry to get off track. Touched off something with me.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I have better luck with doing things together than "you do for me" or "I do for you". We'll:
...make a really cool meal together, sharing the job, having fun with it
...take the dogs for a walk at dusk, and say hi to all the neighbors as we pass
...go play catch at the park
...set aside one night a week that's just to do something we both like doing
...go buy groceries together, and make it like a treasure hunt, a game
...play games (Rummicube, Quiddler, Risk, Battleship are favorites)
...buy five kinds of cheese or ice cream or root beer and have our own taste-testing night
...take a one-night class together, alternating who gets to pick the class (the last two were Thai cooking and real estate investing ?!?!?)
It is really easy not to do these things. It takes effort to make the time, especially being so busy and being so used to each other. But worth it. Really. I personally don't want favors. I want fairness, sure, but I also want friendship. Friendship is sexy.
...make a really cool meal together, sharing the job, having fun with it
...take the dogs for a walk at dusk, and say hi to all the neighbors as we pass
...go play catch at the park
...set aside one night a week that's just to do something we both like doing
...go buy groceries together, and make it like a treasure hunt, a game
...play games (Rummicube, Quiddler, Risk, Battleship are favorites)
...buy five kinds of cheese or ice cream or root beer and have our own taste-testing night
...take a one-night class together, alternating who gets to pick the class (the last two were Thai cooking and real estate investing ?!?!?)
It is really easy not to do these things. It takes effort to make the time, especially being so busy and being so used to each other. But worth it. Really. I personally don't want favors. I want fairness, sure, but I also want friendship. Friendship is sexy.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by starflier
Reminds me of the old story where the wife asks her husband, "Why don't you ever tell me you love me?" He looks at her in baffled surprise, and replies, "Well, I told you I loved you the day we got married, and it's been 25 years, so if anything changes I'll let you know!"
A monk joins a monastery where they are only allowed to speak once every 10 years.
After first 10 years the novice monk goes to his master and says "food cold"
After second 10 years the novice monk goes and says "bed hard"
After 30 years the monk goes in and says "I quit"
The Master of the Monastery says
"Thats OK...all he ever did was complain.."
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I'm like a lot of people here in that there is nothing that my AH can do for me that would "turn me on". NOTHING. He is a total turn off! He comes home from the bar after smoking and drinking all night, slurring his speech, stumbling all over the place, and smelling really, really bad. Then he wants to get what he calls "romantic." And then he gets mad and blames me when I'm not "turned on" by his advances. Oh, please.
Yep, sounds like he just wants to know what "magic buttons" to push to get you to have sex with him. Then after he does something you find romantic, you'll "owe him."
Yep, sounds like he just wants to know what "magic buttons" to push to get you to have sex with him. Then after he does something you find romantic, you'll "owe him."
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
"Well, I told you I loved you the day we got married, and it's been 25 years, so if anything changes I'll let you know!"
I want to thank all of you for this thread, as I was reading it I realized that I had not kissed my wife good bye and told her I loved her like I do every morning on my way to work, I just finished calling her........ she said she didn't notice!!!! She said she has gotten so used to it she thought I had!!!
When I was drinking I tried all sorts of things to put her in the mood or just "get some". I will openly admit that when I was drinking it was all about me, especially if she was not in the mood to begin with.
Things are quit different know that I am sober, it is no longer about me and for some reason I am happier, even when we don't it is okay. She has told me she is kind of bummed because she has been on prozac for years and it has killed her libido. She has tried many times to get off them but she gets a bit bonkers when she gets off them and then she definantly is not in the mood!!! LOL I have told her it is all good, and it really is, I am happy that she is happy and that is okay.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
He was pretty normal last night. Wasn't fake at trying to "be nice". Wasn't resentful. Wasn't obsessing about anything. We went to get me a new car and I was ready to buy the cheaper one, but he asked me to drive the more expensive one and see how I liked it. Surprised me because I figured he didn't care what I liked as much as how much we'd save if I got the lesser one. Wound up getting the nicer one and then we went to dinner. He was pretty normal. Got up and called his sponsor this morning and was friendly before work.
I don't guess he can see it, but there are modes he gets in that make me want to vomit.
Resentful mode
Retaliation mode
Fake Nice mode
Reward me for being Fake Nice mode
Nitpicking mode
Looking for a Reasons to Drink..... Let's Rumble mode
But when he's working his program, he can occasionally morph into just living mode, which is not an extreme high or extreme low, it's just living like everybody else.
He is still going to his class reunion this weekend. Temptation will abound. We won't be there with him. If he loses it, it will be with his mother. And that ought to be an eye-opener for her, so if it happens, I hope she gets her fill since she is in complete denial and blames me for the fact that he does drink. One thing he did find out a few days ago from one of his classmates was that one of the most popular guys they were friends with, whose family had tons of money and he was very successful in Las Vegas, is now divorced (he beat his wife) and living in the streets and his family is done with him. Now he's seen the fall up close and personal.
I don't guess he can see it, but there are modes he gets in that make me want to vomit.
Resentful mode
Retaliation mode
Fake Nice mode
Reward me for being Fake Nice mode
Nitpicking mode
Looking for a Reasons to Drink..... Let's Rumble mode
But when he's working his program, he can occasionally morph into just living mode, which is not an extreme high or extreme low, it's just living like everybody else.
He is still going to his class reunion this weekend. Temptation will abound. We won't be there with him. If he loses it, it will be with his mother. And that ought to be an eye-opener for her, so if it happens, I hope she gets her fill since she is in complete denial and blames me for the fact that he does drink. One thing he did find out a few days ago from one of his classmates was that one of the most popular guys they were friends with, whose family had tons of money and he was very successful in Las Vegas, is now divorced (he beat his wife) and living in the streets and his family is done with him. Now he's seen the fall up close and personal.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
My biggest turn-on ever was giving my emotionally unavailable partner the boot and seeking recovery for myself so I could one day be free to enter into a loving, healthy relationship.
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