He wants to know
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
No, it's only been a year since Richard's death and I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I feel I'm ready to be a healthy partner. Until I'm healthy and have determined why I settled for little in my past relationships, I'll only attract more of the same.
I'm not in a hurry. I don't have an overwhelming desire to have a new partner. But if one day a really great man comes along, then I may reassess the situation. For now, I'm enjoying my life exactly as it is. Imagine living every day of your life exactly how you choose and not having to take anyone else's needs or issues into consideration.
I'm not in a hurry. I don't have an overwhelming desire to have a new partner. But if one day a really great man comes along, then I may reassess the situation. For now, I'm enjoying my life exactly as it is. Imagine living every day of your life exactly how you choose and not having to take anyone else's needs or issues into consideration.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
I'm lucky in this area. My husband will pick me flowers for no reason, makes me coffee even though he doesn't drink it much, tells our 7 year old son how 'beautiful mommy is' (even though I think he must be blind!) and he calls me "Yum".....I've never told anyone that, please don't laugh!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Oh, this thread makes me so sad.
The original post is just a list of things that you hate about your husband, things that turn you off. What a soul-crushing response to an honest inquiry as to what would make you happy.
I completely disagree with everyone who thinks that explaining your turn-ons is "unromantic." People aren't mind readers. We are all complicated, and what we need from a partner varies and evolves. It is ok, no, necessary, to communicate about these things if you want to have a satisfying sexual relationship.
It sounds to me like your husband is really trying to find a way for you to connect on that level. Is that really unreasonable? Is it totally outrageous if sex is his endgame?
Not everything is about alcoholism. If you are so turned off by your man that you find the suggestion of sex offensive, maybe you should let the dude go.
The original post is just a list of things that you hate about your husband, things that turn you off. What a soul-crushing response to an honest inquiry as to what would make you happy.
I completely disagree with everyone who thinks that explaining your turn-ons is "unromantic." People aren't mind readers. We are all complicated, and what we need from a partner varies and evolves. It is ok, no, necessary, to communicate about these things if you want to have a satisfying sexual relationship.
It sounds to me like your husband is really trying to find a way for you to connect on that level. Is that really unreasonable? Is it totally outrageous if sex is his endgame?
Not everything is about alcoholism. If you are so turned off by your man that you find the suggestion of sex offensive, maybe you should let the dude go.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Why do you need to tell someone who you've been married to for 20 years what they could do for you...they were there in the beginning when both parties were learning and working on being together. Why after 20 years as as a couple do they even have to ask...Maybe because the alcohol has clouded their memory and they need a quick refresher for sex???!!!!
Don't chastise someone else for their experience until you have walked in their shoes. Yeah, I agree it's sad...that's what alcohol can do to a relationship.
Don't chastise someone else for their experience until you have walked in their shoes. Yeah, I agree it's sad...that's what alcohol can do to a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Fair enough. I didn't mean to be overly harsh, and I am sorry if I was.
This, for example, is why you have to tell your partner what you need from them, even after 20 years:
How can someone else know what turns me on, if I'm not clear on it myself? This isn't a slam, it's a fairly typical thing. I've been there.
But this could be a really, really fun thing to think about. Take some time to fantasize! Then, as long as you are stuck with your hubby, use him to fufill those fantasies.
Just an idea, not a command, and certainly no illusions that I am totally right.
This, for example, is why you have to tell your partner what you need from them, even after 20 years:
Originally Posted by respektingme 
I started thinking about it. I really don't know what does turn me on.
But this could be a really, really fun thing to think about. Take some time to fantasize! Then, as long as you are stuck with your hubby, use him to fufill those fantasies.
Just an idea, not a command, and certainly no illusions that I am totally right.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
No, it's only been a year since Richard's death and I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I feel I'm ready to be a healthy partner. Until I'm healthy and have determined why I settled for little in my past relationships, I'll only attract more of the same.
I'm not in a hurry. I don't have an overwhelming desire to have a new partner. But if one day a really great man comes along, then I may reassess the situation. For now, I'm enjoying my life exactly as it is. Imagine living every day of your life exactly how you choose and not having to take anyone else's needs or issues into consideration.
I'm not in a hurry. I don't have an overwhelming desire to have a new partner. But if one day a really great man comes along, then I may reassess the situation. For now, I'm enjoying my life exactly as it is. Imagine living every day of your life exactly how you choose and not having to take anyone else's needs or issues into consideration.
This is EXACTLY where I am in my recovery. Its been 1 1/2 yrs since a judge put my EXAW out of our house and about a year since we divorced.
This is the longest I've ever been single. Realized there was a good chance if I begin to date I could be swept up into codie mode and not leave time for my 7 yo daughter.
Right now she deserves all my time, no hurries. When she's a little older and I've worked the steps to try and figure out MY problems maybe then.
My greatest regret is the mom I picked for her, my bad. A nice lady in my alanon group said not to worry, she'll pick her next mom herself. I like that idea.
Thanks and God Bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Some great points to ponder in this thread. I agree with both of the seemingly different points of view.
On the one hand, communication in any relationship is vital, especially intimate relationships. So, if this were a healthy intimate relationship, and one person were to ask the other for tips on what they find romantic, I believe that would be a good thing. One cannot expect their partner to read minds, so letting them know what you like would be healthy and productive.
On the other hand, from what you have posted, yours does not seem like a very healthy relationship. In this context, it would appear to be a form of manipulation and denial. Rather than fix what is obviously wrong, let's try some quick and easy "romance." As if he can buy his way out of his own consequences. One of my favorite quotes: "You cannot talk your way out of a situation that you behaved your way into."
Been there, done that. I actually planned a two week getaway with no children back in 2001. I thought if we could just reconnect and rekindle the romance in our marriage, he would see that life is so much better without the booze. It was a wonderful two weeks. And when we returned, things went right back to the way they were. So much for "romance."
I guess in the end, communication is important. But, you have to communicate and resolve the big issues before you can work on the details.
If I were to make the list, knowing what I know now, it would look something like this:
Someone I can count on, all the time.
An equal partner, half of the "team."
Listening, without trying to "fix."
Sense of humor, especially when tension is high.
Ability to be flexible and not get stressed over the unexpected.
Someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.
Someone who takes care of themself--body, mind, and spirit.
I could go on, but these are the things I find romantic. Notice none of them have a price tag.
L
On the one hand, communication in any relationship is vital, especially intimate relationships. So, if this were a healthy intimate relationship, and one person were to ask the other for tips on what they find romantic, I believe that would be a good thing. One cannot expect their partner to read minds, so letting them know what you like would be healthy and productive.
On the other hand, from what you have posted, yours does not seem like a very healthy relationship. In this context, it would appear to be a form of manipulation and denial. Rather than fix what is obviously wrong, let's try some quick and easy "romance." As if he can buy his way out of his own consequences. One of my favorite quotes: "You cannot talk your way out of a situation that you behaved your way into."
Been there, done that. I actually planned a two week getaway with no children back in 2001. I thought if we could just reconnect and rekindle the romance in our marriage, he would see that life is so much better without the booze. It was a wonderful two weeks. And when we returned, things went right back to the way they were. So much for "romance."
I guess in the end, communication is important. But, you have to communicate and resolve the big issues before you can work on the details.
If I were to make the list, knowing what I know now, it would look something like this:
Someone I can count on, all the time.
An equal partner, half of the "team."
Listening, without trying to "fix."
Sense of humor, especially when tension is high.
Ability to be flexible and not get stressed over the unexpected.
Someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.
Someone who takes care of themself--body, mind, and spirit.
I could go on, but these are the things I find romantic. Notice none of them have a price tag.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I'm with FD on this one. I want to learn how to be complete without a man in my life. Scratch that...I NEED to be complete without a man in my life before I can entertain the thought of finding a partner, which may take a while.
I was in a relationship where I allowed him to treat me horribly. I left that relationship and stayed single for a while, but didn't do the work I needed to do. I ended up with much better in many ways, but much worse in others. I was so focused on my biological clock that I stuck it out "hoping" things would just get better. I spent the rest of the time focusing on how to fix things for him. Well, they got worse before I left. So where am I now?
I've learned a lot about myself and what I deserve. I've also learned that it's ok to be alone because I'm good company. It hasn't happened until recently, but I've caught myself twice thinking "I have a really great life!" in the past couple of weeks. I know it's because I've made myself the most important person in my life. This is not to say I don't still miss the good parts of my ex, I still do and likely will for a long time, but I'm enjoying the good parts of me that I neglected for far too long.
I was in a relationship where I allowed him to treat me horribly. I left that relationship and stayed single for a while, but didn't do the work I needed to do. I ended up with much better in many ways, but much worse in others. I was so focused on my biological clock that I stuck it out "hoping" things would just get better. I spent the rest of the time focusing on how to fix things for him. Well, they got worse before I left. So where am I now?
I've learned a lot about myself and what I deserve. I've also learned that it's ok to be alone because I'm good company. It hasn't happened until recently, but I've caught myself twice thinking "I have a really great life!" in the past couple of weeks. I know it's because I've made myself the most important person in my life. This is not to say I don't still miss the good parts of my ex, I still do and likely will for a long time, but I'm enjoying the good parts of me that I neglected for far too long.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
No, it's only been a year since Richard's death and I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I feel I'm ready to be a healthy partner.
I don't really worry that I'd find another alcoholic. It's not the alcoholic personality I'm drawn to. It's the super-egotistical jock that will give me the time of day. Going to be seeing a counselor if/when I am single again so I don't repeat that.
Also, I realize that often a super-egotistical jock is very much like an alcoholic. I was 26 when I met AH. Till then, heavy drinkers always turned me off big time. He hid it well. The first time any guy I went out with got wasted, I stopped taking his calls.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm glad you see the type you are attracted to and are working to change that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by good_luck
Oh, this thread makes me so sad.
The original post is just a list of things that you hate about your husband, things that turn you off. What a soul-crushing response to an honest inquiry as to what would make you happy.
I completely disagree with everyone who thinks that explaining your turn-ons is "unromantic." People aren't mind readers. We are all complicated, and what we need from a partner varies and evolves. It is ok, no, necessary, to communicate about these things if you want to have a satisfying sexual relationship.
It sounds to me like your husband is really trying to find a way for you to connect on that level. Is that really unreasonable? Is it totally outrageous if sex is his endgame?
Not everything is about alcoholism. If you are so turned off by your man that you find the suggestion of sex offensive, maybe you should let the dude go.
The original post is just a list of things that you hate about your husband, things that turn you off. What a soul-crushing response to an honest inquiry as to what would make you happy.
I completely disagree with everyone who thinks that explaining your turn-ons is "unromantic." People aren't mind readers. We are all complicated, and what we need from a partner varies and evolves. It is ok, no, necessary, to communicate about these things if you want to have a satisfying sexual relationship.
It sounds to me like your husband is really trying to find a way for you to connect on that level. Is that really unreasonable? Is it totally outrageous if sex is his endgame?
Not everything is about alcoholism. If you are so turned off by your man that you find the suggestion of sex offensive, maybe you should let the dude go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Some great points to ponder in this thread. I agree with both of the seemingly different points of view.
On the one hand, communication in any relationship is vital, especially intimate relationships. So, if this were a healthy intimate relationship, and one person were to ask the other for tips on what they find romantic, I believe that would be a good thing. One cannot expect their partner to read minds, so letting them know what you like would be healthy and productive.
On the other hand, from what you have posted, yours does not seem like a very healthy relationship. In this context, it would appear to be a form of manipulation and denial. Rather than fix what is obviously wrong, let's try some quick and easy "romance." As if he can buy his way out of his own consequences. One of my favorite quotes: "You cannot talk your way out of a situation that you behaved your way into."
Been there, done that. I actually planned a two week getaway with no children back in 2001. I thought if we could just reconnect and rekindle the romance in our marriage, he would see that life is so much better without the booze. It was a wonderful two weeks. And when we returned, things went right back to the way they were. So much for "romance."
I guess in the end, communication is important. But, you have to communicate and resolve the big issues before you can work on the details.
If I were to make the list, knowing what I know now, it would look something like this:
Someone I can count on, all the time.
An equal partner, half of the "team."
Listening, without trying to "fix."
Sense of humor, especially when tension is high.
Ability to be flexible and not get stressed over the unexpected.
Someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.
Someone who takes care of themself--body, mind, and spirit.
I could go on, but these are the things I find romantic. Notice none of them have a price tag.
L
On the one hand, communication in any relationship is vital, especially intimate relationships. So, if this were a healthy intimate relationship, and one person were to ask the other for tips on what they find romantic, I believe that would be a good thing. One cannot expect their partner to read minds, so letting them know what you like would be healthy and productive.
On the other hand, from what you have posted, yours does not seem like a very healthy relationship. In this context, it would appear to be a form of manipulation and denial. Rather than fix what is obviously wrong, let's try some quick and easy "romance." As if he can buy his way out of his own consequences. One of my favorite quotes: "You cannot talk your way out of a situation that you behaved your way into."
Been there, done that. I actually planned a two week getaway with no children back in 2001. I thought if we could just reconnect and rekindle the romance in our marriage, he would see that life is so much better without the booze. It was a wonderful two weeks. And when we returned, things went right back to the way they were. So much for "romance."
I guess in the end, communication is important. But, you have to communicate and resolve the big issues before you can work on the details.
If I were to make the list, knowing what I know now, it would look something like this:
Someone I can count on, all the time.
An equal partner, half of the "team."
Listening, without trying to "fix."
Sense of humor, especially when tension is high.
Ability to be flexible and not get stressed over the unexpected.
Someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.
Someone who takes care of themself--body, mind, and spirit.
I could go on, but these are the things I find romantic. Notice none of them have a price tag.
L
I love that you listed a sense of humor, especially when tension is high. An old boyfriend of mine was so flexible. He and I used to grab some snacks and a map from a gas station and just drive. We'd pitch a tent when we got tired of driving. Always had spontaneous fun. Woke up one morning with a buck staring me in the face. Maybe this is one of the things I'll tell my AH that I find romantic. Because if we make a wrong turn, he doesn't necessarily have to say anything, but there is a sudden shift in the tension level in the car. It's as if he has a button in his brain that says, "Push here if lost for any amount of time at all for rage". It never made sense to me. I almost like getting lost sometimes and seeing some countryside.
I really like your whole list. Lack of tension, flexibility, humor, not taking oneself too seriously..... he used to have much more of that when we met. Maybe when he lost it and started romancing the bottle is when I subconsciously started losing interest. I don't really know if you can have the things you list when the bottle is still in play.
Because while my favorite alltime thing to do is laugh, sadly he rarely makes me laugh anymore. But I have friends and family who do. Guess that's how I fill that void. I keep in close touch with everyone else.
Money has never turned me on. The idea of financial security is calming. But nothing I've ever purchased or been given literally turns me on. It's been sweet to receive things, but they don't make my motor rev so to speak.
Men who smell good (not piled on cologne to hide the alcohol coming out of their pores) turns me on if I recall.
I like watching guys working really hard at what they do, whatever it is they are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
I've learned a lot about myself and what I deserve. I've also learned that it's ok to be alone because I'm good company. It hasn't happened until recently, but I've caught myself twice thinking "I have a really great life!" in the past couple of weeks. I know it's because I've made myself the most important person in my life. This is not to say I don't still miss the good parts of my ex, I still do and likely will for a long time, but I'm enjoying the good parts of me that I neglected for far too long.
My AH doesn't complete me and I hope I realize that when/if the day comes that I'm single again. In fact, I'm more myself with my friends than I am with him. They love me and find me funny.
Anyway, you are a big step ahead by realizing you don't have to have a man to be complete.
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