anubus

Super long post.......venting, can't sleep, super emotional tonight!!!!

Out of the blue he phoned me, wanting to pick up his stuff (last day of the deadline I gave him). I did VERY well at keeping up my defense........since the van is illegal plus has a flat tire & leaking oil badly, I asked him how he intended to get it (drive it or tow truck).......previous times he used this as an excuse to come up, then once he was there he would ask if he could sleep in the van or something (and would end up worming his way back into the house). So I made it very clear that he HAD to get that van out of here TODAY, or I was gonna do something with it (Yeah!!).:codiepolice

He couldn't get hold of his daughter to drive him up, and I did not offer to (yeah for me again). So he walked (I live on a mountain....lol). He knocked on the door asking for a glass of water, then went out and loaded the rest of his stuff in the van, and fixing the flat tire, etc. I went out also, but didn't help.
We talked some, he kept pretending to be "down & out" as usual. I just kept telling him it was his OWN fault that his life was so messed up. He did leave a few items, saying they wouldn't fit in the van (not sure if that was true or just an excuse), and asked if he could come back when he got a legal vehicle to pick those items up. I just rolled my eyes & said....."I really don;t KNOW.......if they are still here, maybe.....but I can't put my life on hold for your stuff." He tried countering by saying he was leaving a DVD player & sweeeper for me, and the least I could do was store a few things until he was ready. BUT I didn't back down.....I reminded him that $300 of the tools he WAS taking today were ones that I bought him (that he was SUPPOSED to pay for and never did.....so those more than paid for the dvd/sweeper).
SO regardless, I guess he still has an excuse to come back, because of the few items he left......ugh. Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy or mad about that (still clinging to thoughts that maybe he'll change & come back......ugh). But I think overall I handled the converstion well.

Then the kicker was, right before he was ready to leave, he asked if I had bought a belt for my broken lawn tracter, he was going to fix it while he was here :wtf2 I just answered that I hadn't bought the belt, and he didn't need to fix it.

Right when he was ready to drive off, I did cave in some (I'm only human).......told him I wished him a good life, hoped he'd find somebody for him, told him how great things COULD have been for us (like I said, I was emotionally caving some). He answered....."Yeah, it's all my fault (meaning HIS fault), I know." in a sarcastic voice......and I just looked at him and said "Well......really it WAS all your fault. You could have had it made here, this house would have been 1/2 yours, and we could have lived a nice life."
He didn't answer. You know, this guy has NOTHING.........noplace to live, no money, the only things he "owns" are an illegal van still registered to a dead woman, and some tools. My house isn't a mansion, but it is fairly new, a very comfortable house on 1 acre of nicely landscaped land......I can't understand how he didn't appreciate it. He LOVED cutting the grass here, planting a garden, etc. It's one of the nicer houses on my road......Any NORMAL person who was down on their luck would have think they went to heaven here........yet he didn't appreciate ANYTHING. He bitched about me snoring, about my pug dog sleeping on the bed, nothing "good" being on the
46" tv.....lol. Just unbelievable........for somebody who lived here for FREE. And the sad (codie) fact is, if he would have just given me SEX.......I probably would never have thrown him out, job or no job!!!!!!!! But he couldn;t even do THAT much. I just don't understand.

Right after he left today, I came in the house and broke down crying. I'm so depressed. I can't sleep, and along with being depressed I am having a horrible anxiety attack (chest pains, nausea, the works). I know this neeeded done, but honestly, I don't know if I can survive this one......UGH. My life has been one roller coaster after another for so many years. For 23 years I lived with a "sober" alcoholic ( an adult child, he didn't drink himself but had the behavior). We split for the last time 4 years ago, and it was awful on me. I almost lost my house, and really went through a horrible time emotionally. He found another enabler 2 weeks after we split, and married her the minute our divorce was final (our divorce anouncment was in the newspaper right next to his marriage license......same day, one column apart!!). That was devastating. I was alone through it all, and when I finally met my current XBF 2 years ago, I thought that FINALLY things were falling into place for me. He treated me like gold at first, more sex than I could HANDLE, we were planning marriage, shopping for rings, making plans, and he just made me laugh & smile again.....seemed like FINALLY I was getting total happiness. My 25 year old daughter even said he was more of a dad to her than her real dad......she loved him. But man what a turn around from the way things ended up!! Just a total nightmare.

So here I am, 50 years old, losing ANOTHER man that I love to this horrible desease alcoholism. I'm honestly not sure I can go through this greiving process AGAIN. URGH!! I can't eat, can't sleep, going through the crazy mental torture process, and ALONE again. I am SO freaking lonely!!! I'm very religious and I know that God has blessed me with MANY wonderful things. Just really unsual things that are way too odd to be coincedance. The best jobs in the world, helping me save my house, even a new computer recently for free (which I desperately needed). So I know God's been there for me, more than I deserve!!. I'm very thankful, but tonight I can't help but ask God WHY He hasn't blessed me with a soulmate. Meeting This recent BF happened so oddly.....2 years ago I had quit dating and decided that if God wanted somebody in my life, He would have to send him to my front door......oddly 2 weeks later, this hunk of a guy shows up at my front door holding a rake.......lol (he moved in across the street from me, but I never knew it), that I thought for sure it was an answer to a prayer, sent from God. It was too weird to be coincedance. Now I question why God set me up for disaster like this. I'm so sorry if this sounds horrible to anyone......I'm not trying to blame God. I'm just going through a bad time right now, and don't understand. And venting........hope everyone understands.

Everyone keeps telling me that I am such a sweet person, I deserve a really great guy.......yet WHY haven't I found that wonderful guy??????? Do I have a sign on my head that attracts alcoholic dysfunctional guys, or what??

And why on earth do I keep pRAYING for THIS guy to change?????? I mean, do they EVER CHANGE???? Why am I still living in this pipe dream of him coming back & changing???? And you know, when my X-husband left, I prayed SO hard for him to realize/change........I spent hours at a park, watching goldfish at the creek, just BEGGING God to help him. Honestly, I STILL pray for my XH to realize/change, except now I pray for him & his new wife. UGH.......and STILL praying for my current XBF to realize/change, and come back.......WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????????

Thank you everyone for the support you have given me throughout all this. There are no Alonon groups close to me, and I would not have understood or had the courage to face this had it not been for you great people. Words can't express how greatful I am for this board and all you incredible people. If you could all just do me one more favor...... send a small prayer out for me, for him either to realize his problem, or for me to meet somebody else to be able to move on from this, I would REALLY APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU.

starflier

((((anabus))))

I'm awake, too! I'm so very, very sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. It sounds like you've had more than your share. Please try to pamper yourself today. Find something to do that no matter how badly you're feeling you'll find it enjoyable. It sounds like you love nature. Is there a special place you could go to today? Not the goldfish creek, though. LOL!

Is there anybody available today to spend time with you? A close friend, your daughter, another family member? Sounds like a day you could really use some assurance. I wish we could all come to your house, bearing fresh coffee, cinnamon rolls, and hugs. Please know that we're all there with you in our hearts. I know that you already know that things will get better, you will laugh again, but I also know that the future must seem far away today. Please, find something to keep you happy today, and feel free to vent away today. We're all here for you!
:ghug2

Barbara52

Perhaps its time to start working on figuring out why you make the choices you do? I finally starting working on my issues at 52 and now a year later am in a much better place emotionally, spiritually and physically. Its not easy examining yourself and your issues but it is well worth the effort.

Lilyflower

Hey,

Have you got yourself ''Codependant no more'' melody Beattie yet? Your answers will be found there.

Love to you hunny, you will be alright.

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Paintbaby

^^^^^^^^

Seconded.

Lilyflower

Sorry anubus, but I won't do that.

If by some miracle he realises his problems and finds sobriety, that will NOT make you the emotionally content person YOU wish to be.

You cannot find YOUR happiness within someone else's success and happiness.

Also I won't pray that you find someone else, because, having not taken a moral inventory of yourself, having not worked on your unresloved issues, having unfinished business within yourself; you will only find yourself back where you are now. Another failed relationship, alone, wondering why me?

I will say a prayer for you, I will pray that YOU find peace and solace within YOU. That YOU heal and become a place of serenity, that you find the courage to look within. Within at the hurt, within at the pain, and within for the answers.

God put us on this earth alone, God takes us away again alone, God intended for you to be happy and complete alone.

Although being benevolent and caring are redeemable qualities, God never wanted you to constantly give and give to those who are incapable of giving themselves, graditude, love and who are self absorbed so much that YOU cause YOURSELF this much pain and suffering.

Stop blaming God, all he did was put you on earth, the rest is up to you. -

Remember the story from the bible of the three children of a rich King? The King gave each of his children (who were young adults) the same amount of gold and said he would see how each had managed their gold after a period of time.

One, gave all his gold away to others, thinking that the King, his father, would be impressed by his benevolent nature.
The second buried his money, not wanting it to be stolen or used by others and afraid of the responsibility of such a gift.
The third carefully invested his gold, judging where he should best place his treasure to obtain the best possible gain.

After the said period of time had passed, the King called his children and asked what they did with the gold he gave them.
The first had nothing to show his father, having given all his gold away to other people. His father was not happy, disappointed he told his child that he had not appreciated what he had been given, and that his precious gift to his child had been wasted.

The second, feeling pleased returned to his father the exact same amount he had been entrusted with originally. The father was not happy. ''You did nothing with my gift, letting it sit and gather dust, unused'' he told his child.

The third, who had invested, was able to give back to his father much much more than he had originally been given.

The King was pleased with his third child. He had taken his gift and used it wisely, and had returned to his father with so much to show and much to tell of his experience.

The above parable was used to convey the meaning of our lives. The King is God, our Father; the gift of gold, his gift of spirit, heart, love, that he gave to us in life. It is a teaching that tells us that it is neither wise, nor God's wish that we keep these gifts to ourselves, or squander them without thought. All of us are given the opportunity to invest in others, to enrich our selves, to gain a better sense of love, spirit etc. To return to God, and proclaim to him all that we have done with the gift of life he gave to us, to show him how we used that gift to better ourselves.

IMO codependants are like the first child, thinking that by constantly giving to others, they will fill their hearts, they will feel happy, satisfied, and spiritual, only to find ourselves in misery and frustration. The danger becomes that when hurt and in pain from all that we have had in life, we become the second child, and refuse to share our selves with others, in fear of what may happen. When we actually need to become the third, and with wisdom, learn where best to place our heart, so that it is appreciated, and so we ourselves grow and become richer in spirit.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

miss communicat

I'm sorry you are suffering so much today, and I send you gentleness and kindness for yourself over these days.

AND

a new perspective: You say "here I am, 50 years old and losing another man to this horrible disease."

From here, it doesn't look like you are LOSING much.

In fact, I think of this as "here you are, 50 years old, free at last to live the life you were born to live, one that is healthy, spiritually alive and growing."

We often limit our options and stay with bad situations thinking thats all there is.

There will be lots of emotions at first, but then. You will know a new freedom and happiness.

cautious

It makes me sad to think of you feeling like you are not strong enough to handle this. You've been strong enough to take a hard look at your life and your relationships. You've been strong enough to tell "van man" to take a hike. You've accomplished what many here are looking for the fortitude to do.

Feel sad. Feel lonely. But don't be frustrated with yourself. If he had died, you'd feel the same emotions, but you'd have no reason to be hard on yourself, and you'd give yourself time to heal. This is the same thing.

freeflower

I know exactly how your feeling. I had a bad anxiety attack my self today. Put the house up for sale and already, people want to see it. it freaked me out! I know in my mind, this is the right thing to do but sometimes I feel like I have just unleashed this awful power to change everyone close to me. it's such a lonely feeling and the dread and fear of the unknown is parolizing sometimes. hang in there! Take it minute by minute if you have to.
Hugs, FF

prodigal

You are still trying to make him see the light. He doesn't have any desire to do so. You want me to pray that he either realizes his problem or that you meet somebody else to get beyond this.

I would suggest you read the responses you have received thus far once again.

I will pray for you, but I cannot honor your request to pray that this man realizes he's an addict or that some other man come into your life so you can get over the current hurt.

Therein lies the tragedy of this situation, IMO. You are looking to another person for your own hapiness. I pray that you will find the hapiness, joy, peace and serenity within yourself - where God intended it to be.

starflier

As someone said to me here a while ago, about my alcoholic partner, "She's still having fun. She may still have some drinking to do!"

That was hard for me to accept, but I SO appreciated the person who said it to me. (Thank you, sorry for forgetting who it was.)

I now return the favor to you: It sounds lilke he still has some drinking to do. He has yet to hit his bottom, as hard as that is to understand.

(((Hugs)))

sadandhopeless

I understand the feelings of wanting a man in your life, but you do not need to have a man in your life. You sound like a lovely woman with a nice life why take the chance to lose it all again. you let him go - and if he gets help - you have a chance at a relationship - but until then you deserve more -

Silverberry1331

I want you to know that you inspire me. I am in a very similar boat, only my AH is lying on our couch right now while I am here working. You have taken a step that I am still kicking around in my head, wanting, but avoiding. I have taken strength in your actions, your hopes, and your fears.

I understand what you are saying about God. I have been there myself. Like you, I also realize God has a higher purpose that we may not see, but is there. Don't beat yourself up over that. God can handle your anger and frustration AND your questions. He loves you. In time, you will draw closer to Him as a result of this.

If you are looking for some greater purpose to all of this, I can't say what it is, but your story gave one girl in Florida a bit of courage. Your story made me realize that mine isn't so unique and that people make it through this. It is a comforting thought. Thanks for being the inspiration. My prayers are with you. We are all here to listen.