I feel guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3
I feel guilty
Hi everyone. A friend of mine called Minnie pointed me towards this site. I can relate to so many of the posts I've already read - I wish I'd found this a long time ago!!
I'll keep it short and sweet. My partner and I have today issued an ultimatum to his son and I feel so guilty but don't think we have an alternative. We believe he is bipolar (as is his father) but he drinks far too much and his behaviour is now completely uncontrollable. He's permenantly verbally abusive and we've just found out he's physically abusive when he drinks too. He gets into fights pretty much every weekend. He doesn't pay his bills or use his wages for anything except drink and enjoying himself. This weekend was typical: Friday night he smashed up 2 doors in his shared house and the police were called. He has now been told he can never return to the house and the other girls there are terrified as he left threatening messages written on the mirrors. Saturday night he got drunk again, verbally abused his girlfriend all night and ended up disappearing in a screaming rage.
We have today told him that until he stops drinking and seeks professional help we do not want to hear from him or see him. If he gets help and starts to take responsibility for his actions we have said we are willing to make an effort to rebuild our relationship.
Did we have any other option?? Should we have handled this differently?? I'm so worried about him, but we're worried the longer we enable him to behave this way the worse he's going to get....
Thanks for reading.
I'll keep it short and sweet. My partner and I have today issued an ultimatum to his son and I feel so guilty but don't think we have an alternative. We believe he is bipolar (as is his father) but he drinks far too much and his behaviour is now completely uncontrollable. He's permenantly verbally abusive and we've just found out he's physically abusive when he drinks too. He gets into fights pretty much every weekend. He doesn't pay his bills or use his wages for anything except drink and enjoying himself. This weekend was typical: Friday night he smashed up 2 doors in his shared house and the police were called. He has now been told he can never return to the house and the other girls there are terrified as he left threatening messages written on the mirrors. Saturday night he got drunk again, verbally abused his girlfriend all night and ended up disappearing in a screaming rage.
We have today told him that until he stops drinking and seeks professional help we do not want to hear from him or see him. If he gets help and starts to take responsibility for his actions we have said we are willing to make an effort to rebuild our relationship.
Did we have any other option?? Should we have handled this differently?? I'm so worried about him, but we're worried the longer we enable him to behave this way the worse he's going to get....
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
IMHO, to leave it to him to seek professional help is a big mistake. He is likely in no position to seek professional help and could not do so even with a gun held to his head. You need to seek the help for him and have it available when you confront him.
By the way who is going to pay for this help? Are you? Is he? Does he have insurance?
So please think this through, this could be a lifesaver for him, ir it could fail miserably if not handled correctly.
By the way who is going to pay for this help? Are you? Is he? Does he have insurance?
So please think this through, this could be a lifesaver for him, ir it could fail miserably if not handled correctly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Hellsbells-
Welcome and (((hugs))).
You sound sick with worry. Others will be along shortly here to share their experience strength and hope. I just wanted to offer a hug and say you've come to a great place to find support and ideas for coping with this sad and difficult situation.
Just for today try to give your step son over to a higher power (however you wish to interpret "higher power." I sometimes just say to myself, I trust the process of life, and all is as it should be.)
It is the right thing to stop enabling him, no question. But that does not make it easy or painless. But you may also find some solace in this truth about your step son's alcoholism:
You didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it.
Can't Cure it.
When you say "professional help" did you mean like AA for the alcoholism or do you mean professional mental health help for the bi-polar issues?
Did you offer him some phone numbers so HE can call and seek local help?
That's about all you can do. And if you are serious about your ultimatum then stand by it.
Peace,
B.
Welcome and (((hugs))).
You sound sick with worry. Others will be along shortly here to share their experience strength and hope. I just wanted to offer a hug and say you've come to a great place to find support and ideas for coping with this sad and difficult situation.
Just for today try to give your step son over to a higher power (however you wish to interpret "higher power." I sometimes just say to myself, I trust the process of life, and all is as it should be.)
It is the right thing to stop enabling him, no question. But that does not make it easy or painless. But you may also find some solace in this truth about your step son's alcoholism:
You didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it.
Can't Cure it.
When you say "professional help" did you mean like AA for the alcoholism or do you mean professional mental health help for the bi-polar issues?
Did you offer him some phone numbers so HE can call and seek local help?
That's about all you can do. And if you are serious about your ultimatum then stand by it.
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3
I'll elaborate a bit.
He is 25. He has been in prison for burglary to fund a heroin habit in the past. His dad has had years of picking up the pieces to have them thrown back in his face. He has even brought him back to life after an overdose.
We moved house so he could come live with us and have a fresh start when he got out of prison last August. We let him live rent free and gave him everything he could need. I have been saying to him for MONTHS that I want him to see a GP about his behaviour. I have printed off details for him and he keeps saying he will go. He moved out to live with his girlfriend about 3 months ago and since then it's a continuous cycle of drinking, fighting and abuse.
Short of physically walk him to the doctors I don't know what else we can do. We've tried everything. His girlfriend says she is going to make an appointment and make sure he goes. I hope it happens and he gets the referral to the mental health centre. There are therapists there who can help with the bipolar and the drinking. But unless he WANTS to change, I can't see it happening...
He is 25. He has been in prison for burglary to fund a heroin habit in the past. His dad has had years of picking up the pieces to have them thrown back in his face. He has even brought him back to life after an overdose.
We moved house so he could come live with us and have a fresh start when he got out of prison last August. We let him live rent free and gave him everything he could need. I have been saying to him for MONTHS that I want him to see a GP about his behaviour. I have printed off details for him and he keeps saying he will go. He moved out to live with his girlfriend about 3 months ago and since then it's a continuous cycle of drinking, fighting and abuse.
Short of physically walk him to the doctors I don't know what else we can do. We've tried everything. His girlfriend says she is going to make an appointment and make sure he goes. I hope it happens and he gets the referral to the mental health centre. There are therapists there who can help with the bipolar and the drinking. But unless he WANTS to change, I can't see it happening...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by dgillz 
IMHO, to leave it to him to seek professional help is a big mistake. He is likely in no position to seek professional help and could not do so even with a gun held to his head. You need to seek the help for him and have it available when you confront him.
By the way who is going to pay for this help? Are you? Is he? Does he have insurance?
So please think this through, this could be a lifesaver for him, ir it could fail miserably if not handled correctly.
By the way who is going to pay for this help? Are you? Is he? Does he have insurance?
So please think this through, this could be a lifesaver for him, ir it could fail miserably if not handled correctly.
We have already done so much to try and help him.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Hells,
I just relived my life with my son. He started with drugs and alcohol at 13 and destroyed everyone in his path. Verball, physically and mentally. We tried to get him so much help but he turned his back on everything. You see he had one big chip on his shoulder and pride got in the way. He had to show me he was going to hurt me (after all I left his father). Funny thing, I always knew he loved me and he always knew I loved him. The addiction just took over, so bad it was so far out of control. AFter years of smashing up our home and abusing everyone I threw him out. Took him back, kicked him out again until he smashed a window walking out the door screaming. Thats when I enough was enough.
I told him never to come to our home again on drugs or alcohol. It took some years for him to wake up. I stayed strong and said NO everytime he asked for help. Today at 25 he is studying to be a qualified Youth Worker and loves it. He now wants to help the youth in similar situations. I am so thankful for his come back and so proud. I still believe by standing up to him made him see that his anger wasnt going to affect me anymore.
Love to you
I just relived my life with my son. He started with drugs and alcohol at 13 and destroyed everyone in his path. Verball, physically and mentally. We tried to get him so much help but he turned his back on everything. You see he had one big chip on his shoulder and pride got in the way. He had to show me he was going to hurt me (after all I left his father). Funny thing, I always knew he loved me and he always knew I loved him. The addiction just took over, so bad it was so far out of control. AFter years of smashing up our home and abusing everyone I threw him out. Took him back, kicked him out again until he smashed a window walking out the door screaming. Thats when I enough was enough.
I told him never to come to our home again on drugs or alcohol. It took some years for him to wake up. I stayed strong and said NO everytime he asked for help. Today at 25 he is studying to be a qualified Youth Worker and loves it. He now wants to help the youth in similar situations. I am so thankful for his come back and so proud. I still believe by standing up to him made him see that his anger wasnt going to affect me anymore.
Love to you
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