Having a bad day rant

Old 07-26-2008, 05:50 PM
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Having a bad day rant

Maybe its the rain, maybe it's the heat, maybe its the fact that the pharmacy was closed AGAIN today and I don't have my zoloft. maybe its a million things that are making me feel crappy today.

I think It's really the fact that I found out that the XABF and his AGF just moved into a house. Still together and doing better than ever.

I didn't need to know this but I overheard a friend talking to someone else. I acted like I didn't hear but it bothered me. Why? Because I still have not recovered from the whole ordeal even though I have followed all the supposed paths to recovery. There are people in my life that we both know. I can't get rid of everyone. Some were my friends long before they met him and they don't deliberately tell me anything. I was listening cuz my ears pricked up when I heard his name. My fault. My problem.

I wish I could just be happy for him and say it has nothing to do with me because It doesn't. But out of nowhere i feel the old feelings of low self esteem and sadness coming back today.

I have NEVER heard of a person getting "better" while getting worse! How can people drink all the freakin time and still get farther along than people who bust their a$$ to the best of their ability and stay stagnant??? The amount of money spent on booze would feed me for months! No answer to that I'm sure.

I don't understand how things just seem to get better for some people while others (like myself) can't get out from under life by doing what is supposed to be the "right thing". I don't know...not really looking for any advice. Just putting it out there.

I don't think that I am normal...seriously...I can not understand why I even care. I have done years of counseling, studying addiction, codependency, shrinks,anti depressants, faking it, lying to myself and telling others I am ok, reading, studying my problem, working on it. No I have not attended alanon. but I do come here every day.

I think the only way I will ever get rid of the hurt I still have is to just get a labotomy!!!!!!!!

the truth is I really loved him.I wanted to be with him and be happy with him but it never seemed to get there. I was simply not who he wanted to be with. I was not worth him trying anything different. My heart was so broken that I can still feel it during times like this. I still wish we could have talked about it instead of him just running off never to return and never even trying to let me say anything. I think maybe I am that bad of a person that someone would have to run so far so fast and never look back. I feel down on myself because I am on disability, only work part time and never even have enough money to buy decent clothes let alone a house!! I try to write gratitude lists and thank whatever HP for the fact that I have a toilet even though it over flows every day and that I have a job even if it is part time, dead end and pays crap, that I have a disability check even though I am under constant scrutiny from the government, That I can walk even though it hurts like hell every step I take. that I don't live with a selfish drunk even though I still wish he would think of me (I know...that was stupid)
Constantly comparing myself to everyone...especially HER...It's a sickness and I know it is. There is no medication that I have found that will take away these feelings. No matter what I do I can't fill that hole that was left when he left. Yeah she's a drunk and lucky its her not me and all that but in reality It hurts. It feels bad to find these little things out. Nobody knows i heard then. I didn't say anything. I don't want my friends to know that i am still dealing with this.
I can't shake the feeling that I wasted all those years and now I am still wasting time trying to get "better".

I get upset because i don't know if I can have another relationship because I trust noone and feel that the same thing will happen. I have not had anyone in my life for three years after being with the same guy for over 13 years because I have been waiting for that switch to come on that tell me its ok to try.

How do you even tell someone that you are so mesed up? Who wants to know that? I would run from myself if I could.

I think I'm running out of options for helping myself. Sorry to sound like a Debbie Downer but hey...just being honest.
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Old 07-26-2008, 06:26 PM
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Sending a hug, sweetie. It's good to get it all out. For me, I KNEW I was way better off without my AH than with him, and I trusted that life would normalize for me in time. It truly has taken me years to have mostly good days with the occ. bad one. When I feel the bad one coming, I know I have two choices. To let it wash over me and give myself that day, or to walk away from it and choose activities that take up the space in my head. Be patient with yourself, keep walking the good walk. You know that alcoholism is always progressive, and does not lead upward without abstinence. You did the right thing.

Is there something you could do to enlarge your circle of friends, some new activity or volunteer work you could do that might take you away from "news" about your ex by placing you with different people, people who have no connection to him, people who would only know YOU and who YOU are now, not you as the one who used to be with him? I think that would do you a lot of good, to have a new group that is all about you, and nothing about him.
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Old 07-26-2008, 06:38 PM
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I'm sorry you are having a bad day. You are normal. You don't just give your heart to someone and then just say "poof - that's all over". I agree with Peace. Is it possible to do something different to enlarge your circle of friends? Making new connections gives you a chance to start over...a chance to remake yourself. I understand what you are feeling, but I have to believe that things will get better for us eventually.

You can't say what your XABF is doing now is "better". It's so easy to think that life is going grand when you are on the outside looking in. I wouldn't trade the chaos I had with my STBXAH for the peace that I have now. Sure it's difficult at times, but I remember what my days used to be like. I KNOW what life was like with him. Just because it looks all sweet right now, doesn't mean that is reality.

(((HUGS))) Hang in there.
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Old 07-26-2008, 07:09 PM
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It really was chaos and I don't miss it. I don't even miss HIM because he was so bad before he left that I remember that alot more than the good times...of which there weren't many because if there was no booze he wouldn't go and if there was booze I wouldn't go so we were at a stalemate I guess. I know it is the death of the "dream of happiness" that I never found with him. That's almost harder to let go of sometimes! Thanks for the kind words...made me cry...I guess I needed to. I try not to but then it all comes out at once.

I do need a new circle of friends but first I have to get this depression under control. a life long problem for me.

Thanks again you guys.
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Old 07-26-2008, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by loner1968 View Post
I don't think that I am normal...seriously...I can not understand why I even care. I have done years of counseling, studying addiction, codependency, shrinks,anti depressants, faking it, lying to myself and telling others I am ok, reading, studying my problem, working on it. No I have not attended alanon. but I do come here every day.
I swear loner, I was in an alanon meeting this morning and one of our college age girls said almost this exact thing, she followed up by saying "nothing could keep her from her meetings" nothing else had helped her feel the love she never got from her alcholic parents like her home group...and she's new. I swear it's majic! BTW we are NOT a cult!

Alanon literly saved my life, it wasn't really worth living the old way. What a profound waste of my precious time. I am so blessed and so grateful.

God Bless us all
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Old 07-27-2008, 02:10 AM
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(((loner))) My heart goes out to you. I know what you mean about depression being a life long thing, I've had it most of my adult life. At the risk of telling you things you already know, l want to share a couple of things that have helped me - this site being one of them!!!

It sounds like you need to find a new dream for yourself. Don't let depression hold you back from wishing something better for yourself. My dream is often the only thing that keeps me going these days! You were never going to realise your dream of happiness with your XABF so try and work out what would make you happy! Then you know what direction to go in baby steps to get there.

I know its hard but try and do a little something for you every day. Something that will bring you some pleasure or make you smile. Be kind to yourself - this one is a hard one for me. I have a nasty voice in my head that says all sorts of horrible things to me! I'm a lot more aware of it now but ignoring it is harder.

Anti depressants really do work if you have the right one at the right dosage - get your zoloft! If it isn't working for you, go back to your doctor and try a different one.

Keep venting here - it helps! Another thing I've found useful is journaling. Getting how I feel down on paper helps me sort it all out in my own head.

One of my favourite saying I found here on SR that has had the most effect on the way I think is 'if nothing changes then nothing will change'. I have a few other favourites but this is the one that helps keep me motivated to change the things I'm not happy with.

So, you'll be pleased to hear the lecture is over! Take care of yourself - you deserve happiness!!

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Old 07-27-2008, 06:29 AM
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Love those words - the "death of the dream of happiness". Let go of it! I had the "dream of happiness" and I wasn't happy. So many on here with ABF/AGF hang on to them because they dream of being married, having a home, raising their children -- if only when I have those things I will be happy. I don't think my husband was an alcoholic when we married 24 years ago. We worked hard together, and we had the "dream" life. We weren't wealthy, but we had a nice house in the country, two beautiful healthy children, lots of pets, and financial security.

Having those things will NOT make you happy; sharing a life like that with an alcoholic is as miserable as sharing a life of poverty with an alcoholic. Please do not hold on to that dream. Happiness is within you -- it IS there, really!!
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Old 07-27-2008, 08:37 AM
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Its not that I am holding onto some dream of him anymore. Because he has it with someone else. The
problem for me is that I can't seem to get rid of the pain of being tossed aside because I did not WANT those things. I knew that I didn't want a child with someone who was so immature and irresponsible. I knew that LOVE is not some wonderful thing that makes everything better forever. I knew that he was an A and I didn't know what HE wanted because he NEVER really told me. After all those years he never really said. Total lack of communication. so I never thought he wanted to be a dad. or have that perfect dream life. I just thought we were ok having anything at all. I was so wrong. If I had known I may have been gone long ago. I don't know.

The fact that he is with someone else isnt even the problem. Thats normal...people, some people, move on, even if it is one month after leaving a long term relationship! It's that he "seems" to have everything. And in the past it was rubbed in my face how she is everything that i never was....that is one thing that I constantly try to forget but it comes back to haunt me all the time.

I really am not the kind of person that wants "those things" I just want someone who respects me and loves me for who I am. But I feel that's even too much to ask sometimes. Please don't think that I am sad because I don't have the things he does. That's not it.

I do remember that he used to talk about everything that he "owned" Even if it wasn't his he would say it was. so he just wants THINGS.

I had a drean last night and he was in it. Well, they were photos of him and in each one he had a disguise on. It was strange but I knew what it meant. I am going to go fossil hunting today. It's gonna hurt but I love it so that's my thing for the day to try to make myself feel good. Something he used to pick on me about...screw him!
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