Reddmax

Okay all, here's a 2 for one.

This is what's going on. Currently, I have two consultations with attorney's scheduled. The first is on Monday, and the second is on Thursday. I need to schedule a third, but that's dependent on fundage as well as time.

I'm working on finding a way to transport my dog to the appropriate place. So that's in progress.


The question I have for other people that have gone through this process. How do you have the "Talk", where you indicate that the behavior of the SO is unacceptable, and that you're finished with it?

Could people please relate their personal experiences?

Redd

MsPINKAcres

I waited until I knew the A was not under the influence and asked if they were willing to listen to somethings I needed to share with them.

I told him I understood he was doing the best he could with what he had at the moment, but I was uncomfortable living this way. I needed changes for myself and I was no longer able to live with the active part of the disease. I said - you are unable to maintain the financial responsibilities of our home, so I'm asking you to leave and I will continue paying the bills.

Of course there were lots of ifs, ands and buts - which I stood firm in not discussing. After he had his time to talk, I then said - just like I will probably never understand your perspective as a person with the disease of alcoholism/addiction - you will probably never understand my perspective.

This is not about you - it is about what is healthy for me and what I am able to and not able to do. It's not about love, hate, or any other person - It is strictly about me doing what I believe is the best thing I can for me. I wish you the best in doing what you feel is best for you.

We decided on a date for him to leave, allowing him enough time to get money together and ended the conversation.

**there is more to this story, but I don't want to hijack your thread - I would only suggest that you keep the focus on what is best for you, not on what she is doing or on her behaviors.

nowinsituation

Mine was a series of discussions. The first one I basically "scripted" and read. My AH was a secret drinker and hid it well; so the first discussion was telling him that I knew he was drinking excessively and that it was not acceptable to me; and because of that (and some other issues) I was going to leave him. Hard, hard hard to do!!! I prayed and asked for God's help to provide me the right words and opportunity. Definately do it when she is sober -- I did mine first thing in the morning right after our daughter left on the school bus.

Now that was the first discussion; which of course was met with "I know I have a problem", "I can control it" . . . I did feel obligated to give him another chance.

But, he made no real attempts at getting into recovery of any kind. He only worked harder at hiding it. So . . . the final discussion was MUCH easier. Again, when he was sober -- it basically went like this:

ME - I want you to tell me how much you are drinking.
AH - Nothing
ME - If I said I knew for a fact that was not true what would you say?
AH - I SWEAR, I am not drinking anything at all; except the . . . (few times he had had a drink in my presence).
ME - I won't tell you how I know (but because I had been counting cans in the recycling & found his hidden stash) but I know for a fact that is not the truth. I will not tolerate being lied to -- and I will be moved out by the end of the week.

And I did -- much to his shock, and I have not regretted it once.

Barbara52

In the months before I left, I told xAH a number of times in a number of ways that my patience in waiting for him to get a job, get sober, etc was running out and that I would leave if he didn't take action. He didn't believe me, didn't change. When I did leave it was without specific warning that I was leaving on X day because I didn't want the increase in drama and anger that advanced warning would mean. I woke him that morning, told him I was leaving, handed him a letter explaining, brought in our pastor and a friend from AA, and left.

Jazzman

Me, "I can't live with you AND your drinking"
Her, "If you force me to choose, alcohol will always win"
Me, "So I guess there's nothing to discuss except a separation agreement"
Her, "Yep"

Reddmax

So, one thing comes clear. Do it while the SO is sober?

hadenoughnow

Unless you like lots of drama, yes

None of my discussions with my ex regarding separation, divorce, or heck even telling him I did not want him to go on our last vacation went well sober or drunk. Sober was a lot less drama though (the drama came the next time he got drunk though). Trying to have him served with divorce papers was a nightmare.

Just leaving with no notice was not an option (we have a child) or I would have just done that and saved myself a lot of stress and anxiety.

Denoraphy

What timing. I had my talk yesterday, right after I stuck my hand in the dryer to pull out clean laundry and got stuck with one of his used needles.