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More WHY questions......trying to understand this desease.....



More WHY questions......trying to understand this desease.....

Old 07-24-2008, 11:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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More WHY questions......trying to understand this desease.....

Okay, I know I shouldnt' ask WHY....it's a Codi thing....lol. But I'm a curious person, and I feel the need to UNDERSTAND more, as this desease is so crazy!! Not that KNOWING is gonna make a difference, but I just need to understand for my own closure & healing. Perhaps I'm intrigued by the weird behavior? I don't know, but I long for more understanding. To "bury" it properly, if that makes sense. I don;t have Alonon meetings close by, and reading only touches the basics. So hoping some here can help me understand and come to terms.
First, my XH (married 23 years) was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.......he didn't even DRINK......and yet had the true personality.....total denial, self sabatoge, never satisfied, everything he touched turned ugly.......everything!!! Urgh...THAT hits a sore spot with me.......he didn;t ASK to be born to an alcoholic, and tried REALLY HARD to live a normal life!!!!! It was like his life was predestined, because of his upbringing. And every time things were going too smooth or him, he'd have to do something to screw it up....weird. Just when everything was going great, our credit was top knoch, we jsut bought a house or car, etc.......he'd LEAVE, or quit his job , or whatever.......to mess us up.....just WEIRD. Even this last time, the final break up. We had refinanced our house 9 months previous (I jumped through hoops to get that refinance loan......totally CODI), and were preparing for retirement kinda. And we were just approved for a low income grant/low interest remodeling loan/grant on our home.......2 weeks before he left he had told our neighbor how happy he was, married life was great, he was gonna retire/die here. And told our friend/mechanic that married life was great, sex was great after 23 years of marriage, I cooked good, etc. Then totally out of the blue, he LEFT.......I mean LEFT......no words, no explanations, no talking, no money......just LEFT me totally to die........ugh. I managed to save the house from foreclosure on my own much to everyone's surprize (even my own), but geez it was just SO weird.
And my 20 year old son is the same way........urgh.....he inherited the traits, even though nobody in my house was/is an active alcoholic!!!! My son can't keep jobs, has a really weird personality, avoids confrontations., joined the army against my wishes, then went AWOL from the army right after boot camp (was later discharged), but GEEZ.............I actually have to keep my distance from my own son, because he is so much like his dad (who i had to leave because of the adult child personality). Now that HURTS........knowing there is NOTHING I can do for my own SON.
And of course my recent postings about my alcoholic XBF........he IS definately an alcoholic......but one of the sweetest people I ever met.....URGH!!!!!

So, the questions........why why why.........urgh.
WHY do they need to LIE ????? I mean, my BF lied about things he didn't even NEED to. Made up stories about being in the Marrines, being in Italy.........totally STUPID stuff. Stories about his dad. Stories about women he'd been with. Jobs he worked. Just stupid stuff. WHY do alcoholics need to lie when it's just as easy to tell the truth???? Why the secrecy & lies.......and do they KNOW they are doing this stuff?

And the denial......what the F**k is that all about??? My XH the ACOA basically knew "something" wasn't right with him. But he had a wall of denial up that was unreal. I just don;t understand this denial stuff.

And do they KNOW when they are doing something cruel to us??? When they lie, cheat, steal, leave & turn the blame around...........do they KNOW what they are doing, or are they so sick that they really believe they are right?? I used to ask my couseler that question all the time........the only answer she had was that "I think he had an incling that it isn't normal."
So what does THAT mean......do they KNOW.......do they do it deliberately, or not?

And the belittlement?? My XBF told me "Your house is OKAY........it's got potential........I can make it nice (he was a contractor)". Honestly guys, my house is a NICE middle income home........better than HE ever had........sh*t he never had ANY house......lol..... SO.........what was WITH him cutting it down???? Honestly, if he would have treated me properly, this could have been the best opportuntiy of his LIFE. Surely, he recognized that? Or was he too sick to even comprehend.........did he truely BELIEVE it "Had potential" with HIS help?

You all have suggested that I see a counselor......been there, done that. So maybe there are no answers for what I'm asking. But thought I would post it anyway........maybe a recovering alcoholic can ease my longing for answers?

I think I need to try to understand this crazy desease more, to properly bury my dead loved ones.
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Old 07-25-2008, 03:54 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
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If you can get your hands on a copy, I'd recommend reading 'Under the Influence' which gets into the nuts and bolts of alcoholism as a disease. It might help you answer some of the questions you have. I think a lot of your questions go back to manipulation and control, the basics for most alcoholics (from what I've read) to getting what they want - another drink and a way of avoiding reality.
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