strongerwoman

he wants to go out for coffee and to talk.

He didn't drink at all yesterday, but got Xanax from a coworker to
help him get to sleep last night. Swears he's going to get sober so we
can work on our issues.

Don't worry, like the rest of you, I will believe it when I see it.
I may have coffee with him tonight just to hear him out, hear if
he has a plan, what it is, ect.

I hope this day passes by quickly.

CatsPajamas

Stephanie,

I know that special dates - anniversaries, birthdays etc - were difficult for me. They stirred up strong and conflicting emotions about what coulda, shoulda, woulda been. Stir in a couple of "what if's" and "if only's" and I was quite an emotional mess.

Just remember that time takes time. Whatever his plan, it takes time. And action. And commitment and follow thru.

And, I found that those same things applied to ME. My life changed profoundly when I put the focus on ME and not on the A in my life. My mantra was that I wanted to be happy, healthy and whole. It was all about me.

I started going to Al Anon. I got a sponsor. I worked the steps and I got a life. MY life. And I slowly disentangled my life from his. I let him make his choices and experience his consequences.

And my life got better. Today it is full and rich and serene.
One day at a time.

Cats

i4getsm

Good luck today! Stay strong. It's okay to hope that he will get better...just can't stop living your own life based on something that *might* or might not happen. I hope you can remember this special day with fond memories that aren't all jumbled up by the things that have happened since then. I don't know about you, but I had a blast at my wedding! Still one of my favorite memories...even if the marriage turned out crappy!

strongerwoman

thanks, I'm feeling pretty strong.
I actually feel pretty detached from him, I am very, very skeptical
about him being able to get and STAY sober, and about him making all
of the drastic changes needed in his life and in our relationship.

Putting the whole alcoholism issue aside, I very much doubt he would be able to right all the wrongs in our relationship.

I am going to make him the offer that if he gets himself into an inpatient rehab,
I will move my disabled stepson back in with me & take care of him
so he doesn't have to worry about him and can focus on rehab/recovery.

As his wife and someone who cares about him, I am extending this as a one time,
act quickly offer. Take it or leave it. My mom sold her house and has offered to
pay for an attorney for me, so this is his one and only chance.

And it's either inpatient rehab or AA everyday (90 meetings in 90 days) combined with
the outpatient treatment that the rehab facility offers.

Those are his choices. He completes one of those and we'll then begin conversations
about the possibility of us reconciling, but not until then.

If he chooses not to do either of the above or quits/blows it off after a while,
that's it, and I file for divorce.

FormerDoormat

Today my life is full and rich and serene, too, because I choose it to be that way. That's why I'd pass up any invitation by an active addict to celebrate an anniversary or accept an invitation for dialogue.

I get to choose how I live my life. That's why I'd choose not to allow active addicts to manipulate me by saying no thanks. And more importantly, I'd choose to have no contact with them whatsoever.

No contact = no drama and no access to weakest part of my heart.

strongerwoman

I totally get what you are saying.
I'm giving him this one chance to go to rehab, and that is it.
I am totally prepared to not get manipulated & sucked in and to walk away
for good.

He told me he had started wearing his wedding ring again. I told him that our marriage
was dead, over, finished, so it's a littlle pointless to be wearing it again.
He certainly didnt get the reaction he wanted from me about that!

nowwhat

You obviously can't have no contact with your AH whatsoever, since you have a child together.

And frankly, it's a lot easier to have no contact with someone who is not attempting to contact you.

I see nothing wrong with your plan, if you say what you mean and mean what you say, and try to stay detached from the drama.

Good luck.

starflier

I hope so much this works out the way you want it to. It's hard not to worry about your plan, though, as it sounds like it involves you too much. Too much of your time, too much of your emotions, and too much involvement.

Just things to think about, as you're way ahead of me and I'm just playing the devil's advocate, but moving his disabled son in with you, while it sounds like a caring plan, means that you have that much more invested in your AH's recovery. What will you do a week later when your AH bails on his plan and you now have his son with you? I don't know the extent of the disabilities, but assuming the son is mentally competent, how would that make the son feel? Lots of changes for him, and putting him in the position that he, too, is depending on his dad's recovery just to have some stability in his life? This part of your plan is extremely complicated.

And the other thing is that it sounds like you're stipulating the terms of the recovery. How will you be sure that he attends AA every day for 90 days? That sounds like a role I wouldn't want. I've thought about laying out terms like that for the A in my life, and decided that was just as bad as trying to measure the levels of vodka in a bottle, or counting the beer cans in the recycle bin. Too much involvement for me, so I'd like to hear how you're planning on living your own life while measuring your AH's steps in his recovery.

Again, I wish you the very best, and I know you deserve only the best, so please, please be careful about a plan that involves you too deeply.

Rella927

Strong you need to do what you feel is right for yourself-if going for coffee is what you wish to do then go for it! It appears you have a pretty good mind set on your plan-so why not hear him out-Please take care of you and I could not have said it better than Cat Remember that when you are with him!

LaTeeDa

This is a very good point. My aunt once told me that alcoholics can do whatever it takes for a certain period of time to get what they want. Whenever I told mine what he had to do to get me back, he would do it, but not sincerely, then accuse me of going back on my word.

Finally, I just had to let go. I told him I needed six months to decided what I wanted. It was not about him anymore, he could do as he pleased. I minimized contact (issues of joint financial business and children only) and let him know if he was still interested in talking about reconciliation after six months, let me know and I would consider it based on circumstances.

He didn't go to rehab, only went to a few AA meetings, but still got sober. On his own terms. He is still sober today, almost three years later. We didn't discuss reconciliation until six months after he got sober, which was almost a year after we separated.

You have every right to determine how you want to proceed from here. And he has every right to determine how he wants to proceed from here. What worked for me was to get out of his business altogether. Let him deal with his life, you have enough to deal with already in your own life.

L

juju

Everyone makes excellent points (as usual). I think it is very noble of you to offer to watch his disabled stepson for him while he’s in treatment, especially if there are no other caretakers for him available. But, the part about a one time, act quickly offer is a bit off base, I think. You are stipulating the terms of his recovery (do it now or else I won‘t ...). They’re not yours to stipulate. If you were to offer to care for ss while he’s in treatment, whenever he decides to go, I think would be better and far more genuine. That still shows you care for him as a person, and support his sobriety, and are willing to help him in his recovery without any conditions. Even if he does go now because you are only offering this as a limited time thing, he’s not going for the right reasons. And chances of success are poor when that’s the case.

And it makes no difference to your relationship either way. Focus on a healthy relationship. Don’t police his sobriety. It’s not your responsibility. If you cross paths 6 months from now, you’ll know.

Jazzman

My ex was told by the counselors at her first inpatient 30 day rehab to attend 90 meetings in 90 days after leaving. I understand this is standard stuff so you're offer of either/or is very generous. (notice I said first rehab).

When I have these kinds of thoughts I try to analyze my motives for making the deal. Is it to clear MY conscious with ONE more chance? REALLY the very last line in the sand? If I do this for you, will you do that for me? Is it to disguise my attempt at control as gracious charity? Is it to make them recognize and acknowledge MY worth to them?

Or is it genuine and honest and expecting nothing in return?

sadandhopeless

If you take in his disabled sone and he chooses to bail on his recovery should he choose to go? What do you do then? Kick the disabled son out on the street. To me this poor kids seems like he is going to be another one in on the tug of war and hearts in this drama the two of you play in. Don't use the son as a tool for control or to force him into recovery. He is a human being. You are a nurse now - you should understand this.

If he choses to take recovery let him decide on what is best for his son. You have so much going on right now with your new career and your children that you need to focus on that. Not focusing on what will make it easier for him to go into rehab.

Don't bring so many people into this web the two of you continue to weive. Try to step back and allow him to choose recovery on his own for him - for the most part they don't ever stay sober if they are doing for someone other then them selves. They may do it for a short period of time to manipulate you to get you to go back. And once they have what they want they start again.

Good luck to you. I hope you think about this before you take on the responsiblit of his disabled son.

Lilyflower

Just a thought going about my head strongerwoman, why would you want to take back a man who slept with another person (the only one you know of) whilst with you? Drunk or not drunk, he repeated this behaviour over and over. Sobriety won't change that.

Also - food for thought - even if he completes rehab, that is no gaurentee he will remain sober. Rehab facilities are NOT the real world, once they get out, THAT is when the hard work begins.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

strongerwoman

Thanks everyone! I have a billion errands to run in the city today.
I will update later.

The church we attend offers a Friday night program, every Friday night there is a dinner followed by a worship/testamonial/other recovery agenda item time, and then people break off into groups afterward that focus on their recovery issue. I would then go to the codependency group and he would then go to the mens substance abuse group.
He is looking into the outpatient program the rehab facility offers, insurance issues and all that. A reservation he has aboutn inpatient rehab is that he provides the health insurance for everyone and we really can not go without that. So, hopefully the outpatient rehab will pan out.

We are doing that tonight and have a standing date to do it every Friday night and see how it goes.
We talked a lot last night. I still have my eyes wide open and the rose colored glasses off, but it was a good talk.

For now, its a start.
I'm not jumping back into his arms or anything like that.

Gotta run, more later. Thanks again.

strongerwoman

Actually, my intentions were that no matter what my stepson stay with me. He is now 18 and can make that decision on his own, I've talked to him about it some.
I may legally be his just his stepmom but I raised him fulltime for the large majority of his life. I am his mom and I hate the situation he is in.
The school (he's a senior this year) he transfered to when AH moved out is a city school where he has failed to make friends and is failing every class and slipping through the cracks, just not a good place for him. He is living a pretty solitary life with AH and its not healthy.
I understand that he is technically not my son and not my responsibility ultimately but I cant stand by and do nothing if I can help it.

Taking care of him is not a huge burden, he basically takes care of himself, sometimes needs some help.
I've thought about it a lot. It doesnt really hinge on AH stopping drinking, I was going to make the offer before any of these new "talks" between
AH and I. That stepson would stay with me regardless of anything AH does or doesnt do. He has friends in this school district, they are better with his school issues, ect.
There would be no kicking him out into the street, that was a pretty offensive assumption, honestly.
Anyhow, really have to run now!
More later.

Barbara52

That sounds like a great opportunity for both os you to progress down you separate journeys to recovery.