New here, but not to life with an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
New here, but not to life with an alcoholic.
I've read so many posts here but never registered and decided to do so tonight on the invitation from a friend at another board.
I am the QUEEN of hope. I've spent nearly 20 years with an abusive alcoholic. It's been off and on because when I wasn't hoping things would get better, I threw him out because I knew that I deserved better.
We have two AMAZING children, a D12 and S7.
Do you really want to know how insane I am? How much I love this man? I've married him three times. Divorced him twice. HE is my addiction and I'm probably certifiable.
I've been to Alanon, counseling, read books...perhaps I am the lost cause.
Six weeks ago, he took all of my prescription medications (Xanax and Vicodin) unbeknownst to me. Two days later he told me he'd taken them all and wished he'd died.
Three weeks ago, I came home to find him utterly drunk, hanging on to the washer and dryer and swaying back and forth. I noticed empty bottles of tequila and vodka on the washer and he had locked me out of the garage. I called for an ambulance and we spent 24 hours in the ER. From there, he was taken to the state hospital for a suicide attempt. Mind you, he hadn't had a drop of alcohol for a month prior to this.
In the hospital, his BAL was .455. You probably already know this, but legally intoxicated is .08. He was over FIVE times legal intoxication. We had to wait hours for his BAL to come down because the crisis team couldn't talk him until he was below legally intoxicated.
He spent two weeks in the state hospital and was not diagnosed with a mental illness other than depression. He was not medicated for the depression. I spent as much time as I could there, but I have a job (2 to his 0 actually) and the hospital was over 100 miles away.
The psych and the SW told him he needed INTENSE inpatient rehab. They said he was ONE BEER away from never waking up and the only reason he survived is because he is an extreme alcoholic.
We got caught in the red tape with no insurance and he was released. He was released because that was the only way for him to request state funding for a bed.
I did my best to be supportive but lost it when he'd been home two days and didn't go to the agency to ask for help. We ended up in an argument and he pulled over and got out of the car and walked. I found him at his sister's apartment later that night and he said he's done with me. He didn't need me demanding he go to rehab, that he'll go when he's good and ready.
It's been a week. I typically miss him so terribly I go running back. But I'm not this time. I see his suicide attempts for what they are...M.A.N.I.P.U.L.A.T.I.O.N. Somehow I'm supposed to love him enough, have sex enough that he won't need anything but me. In the meantime, who the hell is taking care of ME? No one.
It's even had me distraught that he really will end up killing himself. There's NOTHING I can do about it short of babysitting him 24 hours a day and that's not gonna happen.
Thankfully, our children are with my parents on vacation in Colorado. They will be home on August 6th. I am not the least bit hopeful that my binge drinking abusive alcoholic husband will get his stuff together anytime soon and I'm going to get on with the business of my life....being a good person and a good mother.
I laughed out loud tonight when I saw another post about their SO's stuff still being at their house. My H's stuff is still here too! Not having any clothes or his vehicle allows his pity party to continue...no clothes, no car...so he can't get a JOB.
I may sound like I have my head on straight but hold on for the ride, because it changes like the wind blows!
SO great to meet all of you....despite the circumstances.
I am the QUEEN of hope. I've spent nearly 20 years with an abusive alcoholic. It's been off and on because when I wasn't hoping things would get better, I threw him out because I knew that I deserved better.
We have two AMAZING children, a D12 and S7.
Do you really want to know how insane I am? How much I love this man? I've married him three times. Divorced him twice. HE is my addiction and I'm probably certifiable.
I've been to Alanon, counseling, read books...perhaps I am the lost cause.
Six weeks ago, he took all of my prescription medications (Xanax and Vicodin) unbeknownst to me. Two days later he told me he'd taken them all and wished he'd died.
Three weeks ago, I came home to find him utterly drunk, hanging on to the washer and dryer and swaying back and forth. I noticed empty bottles of tequila and vodka on the washer and he had locked me out of the garage. I called for an ambulance and we spent 24 hours in the ER. From there, he was taken to the state hospital for a suicide attempt. Mind you, he hadn't had a drop of alcohol for a month prior to this.
In the hospital, his BAL was .455. You probably already know this, but legally intoxicated is .08. He was over FIVE times legal intoxication. We had to wait hours for his BAL to come down because the crisis team couldn't talk him until he was below legally intoxicated.
He spent two weeks in the state hospital and was not diagnosed with a mental illness other than depression. He was not medicated for the depression. I spent as much time as I could there, but I have a job (2 to his 0 actually) and the hospital was over 100 miles away.
The psych and the SW told him he needed INTENSE inpatient rehab. They said he was ONE BEER away from never waking up and the only reason he survived is because he is an extreme alcoholic.
We got caught in the red tape with no insurance and he was released. He was released because that was the only way for him to request state funding for a bed.
I did my best to be supportive but lost it when he'd been home two days and didn't go to the agency to ask for help. We ended up in an argument and he pulled over and got out of the car and walked. I found him at his sister's apartment later that night and he said he's done with me. He didn't need me demanding he go to rehab, that he'll go when he's good and ready.
It's been a week. I typically miss him so terribly I go running back. But I'm not this time. I see his suicide attempts for what they are...M.A.N.I.P.U.L.A.T.I.O.N. Somehow I'm supposed to love him enough, have sex enough that he won't need anything but me. In the meantime, who the hell is taking care of ME? No one.
It's even had me distraught that he really will end up killing himself. There's NOTHING I can do about it short of babysitting him 24 hours a day and that's not gonna happen.
Thankfully, our children are with my parents on vacation in Colorado. They will be home on August 6th. I am not the least bit hopeful that my binge drinking abusive alcoholic husband will get his stuff together anytime soon and I'm going to get on with the business of my life....being a good person and a good mother.
I laughed out loud tonight when I saw another post about their SO's stuff still being at their house. My H's stuff is still here too! Not having any clothes or his vehicle allows his pity party to continue...no clothes, no car...so he can't get a JOB.
I may sound like I have my head on straight but hold on for the ride, because it changes like the wind blows!
SO great to meet all of you....despite the circumstances.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome!
I am glad you are here.
Yup, you sounds nutz, just like all of us!
Nope, you are not, it is just that the insanity of this disease affects us all.
We are here to listen anytime.
I am sure you will recieve some brilliant advice from many of the spouses of addicts here.
I am the alcoholic in my family and luckily I knew better than to push my husband any farther than I did.
I am now back, sober and happier than I have ever been!
I am glad you are here.
Yup, you sounds nutz, just like all of us!
Nope, you are not, it is just that the insanity of this disease affects us all.
We are here to listen anytime.
I am sure you will recieve some brilliant advice from many of the spouses of addicts here.
I am the alcoholic in my family and luckily I knew better than to push my husband any farther than I did.
I am now back, sober and happier than I have ever been!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hello Sunflowerintx! Welcome to SR.
It's great that you are reaching out for support. Do you still attend Al-anon? Perhaps getting to regular meetings whilst getting support here will provide you with the resorces to stick your course this time! Many of us have left and gone back time and time again, so although your story is slightly different, our behaviours are not!
Read through the sticky posts at the top of the forums and click on anyones name to read their post histories, and get to know us a bit better. Have you read books by Melody Beattie? Her 'codependant no more' has been an eye opener for many people on this site, I am reading it at the moment and it is very good for those affected by alcoholism. Try to get a copy if you can.
Keep posting with us, and stay strong, remember that saying, progress not perfection!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It's great that you are reaching out for support. Do you still attend Al-anon? Perhaps getting to regular meetings whilst getting support here will provide you with the resorces to stick your course this time! Many of us have left and gone back time and time again, so although your story is slightly different, our behaviours are not!
Read through the sticky posts at the top of the forums and click on anyones name to read their post histories, and get to know us a bit better. Have you read books by Melody Beattie? Her 'codependant no more' has been an eye opener for many people on this site, I am reading it at the moment and it is very good for those affected by alcoholism. Try to get a copy if you can.
Keep posting with us, and stay strong, remember that saying, progress not perfection!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
It's been a week. I typically miss him so terribly I go running back. But I'm not this time. I see his suicide attempts for what they are...M.A.N.I.P.U.L.A.T.I.O.N. Somehow I'm supposed to love him enough, have sex enough that he won't need anything but me. In the meantime, who the hell is taking care of ME? No one.
I may sound like I have my head on straight but hold on for the ride, because it changes like the wind blows!
Tomorrow will be a month since I kicked him out and I'm doing very well...alot better than at the beginning. I see him for what he truly is...a sad sad person with a HUGE problem and a pretty miserable future (he doesn't think he has a drinking or drug problem). But do you know what I see for me? A promising future with PEACE, SERENITY, INDEPENDENCE, HAPPINESS, and HOPE. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, I don't have to carry around that empty pit in my stomach when I go home from work, I don't have to argue with someone that doesn't even know "how" to argue lol. I can do what I want, when I want and it's an awesome feeling.
Please do what is right for YOU. Take care of YOU and your kids and post and read here OFTEN!! Big hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
Hello Sunflowerintx! Welcome to SR.
It's great that you are reaching out for support. Do you still attend Al-anon? Perhaps getting to regular meetings whilst getting support here will provide you with the resorces to stick your course this time! Many of us have left and gone back time and time again, so although your story is slightly different, our behaviours are not!
Read through the sticky posts at the top of the forums and click on anyones name to read their post histories, and get to know us a bit better. Have you read books by Melody Beattie? Her 'codependant no more' has been an eye opener for many people on this site, I am reading it at the moment and it is very good for those affected by alcoholism. Try to get a copy if you can.
Keep posting with us, and stay strong, remember that saying, progress not perfection!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It's great that you are reaching out for support. Do you still attend Al-anon? Perhaps getting to regular meetings whilst getting support here will provide you with the resorces to stick your course this time! Many of us have left and gone back time and time again, so although your story is slightly different, our behaviours are not!
Read through the sticky posts at the top of the forums and click on anyones name to read their post histories, and get to know us a bit better. Have you read books by Melody Beattie? Her 'codependant no more' has been an eye opener for many people on this site, I am reading it at the moment and it is very good for those affected by alcoholism. Try to get a copy if you can.
Keep posting with us, and stay strong, remember that saying, progress not perfection!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have a couple of Melody's book so I'll have to see if I have that one stored in the garage somewhere....
Thanks for the welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by lovtolaff
You are NOT crazy. We've all been there. You have GOT to keep asking yourself the question above "who the hell is taking care of ME" - and you KNOW the answer. He can't take care of you and probably WON'T ever be able to.
Honey - my mood changes almost hourly some days. When it does I try to remember to take a deep breath and reflect back on some of our worst moments and how I felt in those moments and how I DON'T have to deal with any of that **** anymore.
Tomorrow will be a month since I kicked him out and I'm doing very well...alot better than at the beginning. I see him for what he truly is...a sad sad person with a HUGE problem and a pretty miserable future (he doesn't think he has a drinking or drug problem). But do you know what I see for me? A promising future with PEACE, SERENITY, INDEPENDENCE, HAPPINESS, and HOPE. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, I don't have to carry around that empty pit in my stomach when I go home from work, I don't have to argue with someone that doesn't even know "how" to argue lol. I can do what I want, when I want and it's an awesome feeling.
Please do what is right for YOU. Take care of YOU and your kids and post and read here OFTEN!! Big hugs!!
Honey - my mood changes almost hourly some days. When it does I try to remember to take a deep breath and reflect back on some of our worst moments and how I felt in those moments and how I DON'T have to deal with any of that **** anymore.
Tomorrow will be a month since I kicked him out and I'm doing very well...alot better than at the beginning. I see him for what he truly is...a sad sad person with a HUGE problem and a pretty miserable future (he doesn't think he has a drinking or drug problem). But do you know what I see for me? A promising future with PEACE, SERENITY, INDEPENDENCE, HAPPINESS, and HOPE. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, I don't have to carry around that empty pit in my stomach when I go home from work, I don't have to argue with someone that doesn't even know "how" to argue lol. I can do what I want, when I want and it's an awesome feeling.
Please do what is right for YOU. Take care of YOU and your kids and post and read here OFTEN!! Big hugs!!
I'm still in I don't know what the heck to do with myself mode, although I have plenty TO DO. One step at a time.
I have an appt with the Domestic Violence Crisis Center today to get into some counseling.
Don't you just hate being a hurricane survivor? That's what I tell H I feel like. He blows in and out of our lives like a hurricane and I get to stick around and pick up the pieces. *sigh*
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Just wanted to say Welcome to SR and no you are not crazy! There is a lot of
great advice above! Please read through the stickies and stick around you are
not alone!
Keep posting
great advice above! Please read through the stickies and stick around you are
not alone!
Keep posting
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by sunflowerintx
I'm not sure if I'll continue with Alanon. I just kind of want to wash my hands of his whole mess. Maybe I just need a break...I'm not sure.
I have a couple of Melody's book so I'll have to see if I have that one stored in the garage somewhere....
Thanks for the welcome!
I have a couple of Melody's book so I'll have to see if I have that one stored in the garage somewhere....
Thanks for the welcome!
Unfortuantely, living with an A makes healthy people ill. I didn't realise how ill until I begun working on myself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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