Update--hubby's not coming home
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Update--hubby's not coming home
Hi all,
Just wanted to share today that yesterday H and I went to our first joint counselling session. I have been struggling with what will happen when he's out of the reco house this month. Not sure if I wanted him to come home, or stay away for a while longer. I was so nervous before we went in for our appt I thought I would get sick.
We are meeting with one of the pastors from our church who does family/marriage counselling as well.
Since it was our first meeting he wanted to know what had brought us there. We told him about our life together and some about our pasts as well. He told H very good he was seeking treatment and after care treatment. He asked where he was going after the reco house. H said he knew that he never wants to use again, and he had finally realized he cannot do this w/o the help of his HP. He went on to say that he has spent a lifetime battling drugs and alcohol and has always thought he could beat it on his own, till this last time when it hit him he was going to destroy himself. He then said he was making plans to go to a clean and sober house, that he has been praying about it a lot and feels that he needs the continued daily support to help him get stronger and stronger.
When it was my turn to talk I thanked him for being honest and told him that I was not ready for him to come home either--for me it is my lack of ability to trust and my own issues that I too need to continue to work on. I felt such a sense of relief that I realized that's why I was so nervous, I knew I had to say that to him, and was so afraid he was going to revert back to his old self and become defensive and angry--but he didn't.
I realized while sitting in there that while I am proud of him and his efforts and I believe that he is being sincere this time, there is a LOT of stuff I have to deal with, not just with him, but with my entire life, before I am going to be comfortable again. I have built up so many walls around myself through the years that I am just now really starting to feel emotions besides anger and hatred.
When we left he gave me a hug and thanked me for being honest with him too.
I try to see this as God working in our lives, and I believe that none of this would be happening if that weren't true.
Keep us in your prayers, we are going to need it. I worry sometimes that the longer we are apart the more I will become comfortable with not having the 'hassles' around me, or that he will decide that--some times it's hard to let it go and know that whatever happens to us is what is meant to be.
Hugs to all, thanks for letting me share again--
Just wanted to share today that yesterday H and I went to our first joint counselling session. I have been struggling with what will happen when he's out of the reco house this month. Not sure if I wanted him to come home, or stay away for a while longer. I was so nervous before we went in for our appt I thought I would get sick.
We are meeting with one of the pastors from our church who does family/marriage counselling as well.
Since it was our first meeting he wanted to know what had brought us there. We told him about our life together and some about our pasts as well. He told H very good he was seeking treatment and after care treatment. He asked where he was going after the reco house. H said he knew that he never wants to use again, and he had finally realized he cannot do this w/o the help of his HP. He went on to say that he has spent a lifetime battling drugs and alcohol and has always thought he could beat it on his own, till this last time when it hit him he was going to destroy himself. He then said he was making plans to go to a clean and sober house, that he has been praying about it a lot and feels that he needs the continued daily support to help him get stronger and stronger.
When it was my turn to talk I thanked him for being honest and told him that I was not ready for him to come home either--for me it is my lack of ability to trust and my own issues that I too need to continue to work on. I felt such a sense of relief that I realized that's why I was so nervous, I knew I had to say that to him, and was so afraid he was going to revert back to his old self and become defensive and angry--but he didn't.
I realized while sitting in there that while I am proud of him and his efforts and I believe that he is being sincere this time, there is a LOT of stuff I have to deal with, not just with him, but with my entire life, before I am going to be comfortable again. I have built up so many walls around myself through the years that I am just now really starting to feel emotions besides anger and hatred.
When we left he gave me a hug and thanked me for being honest with him too.
I try to see this as God working in our lives, and I believe that none of this would be happening if that weren't true.
Keep us in your prayers, we are going to need it. I worry sometimes that the longer we are apart the more I will become comfortable with not having the 'hassles' around me, or that he will decide that--some times it's hard to let it go and know that whatever happens to us is what is meant to be.
Hugs to all, thanks for letting me share again--
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((rainy))) Thank you so much for sharing. It's incredible what is happening for you and your hubby. Wow! A chance to choose to get well - for both of you - an opportunity to learn how to make good choices, day by day, moment by moment.
I am beginning to understand what it means to be loving while letting God take over. I kept thinking I had to be responsible for other people's feelings, etc. Not so. It's their journey. It's their life and theirs to live, no matter what I do or not do.
So, again, many thanks for sharing the good news. And, I guess it isn't good for us when we do the "what if's". It may be better to look at things as being fresh and new - at least that's what I'm feeling and learning now.
I am beginning to understand what it means to be loving while letting God take over. I kept thinking I had to be responsible for other people's feelings, etc. Not so. It's their journey. It's their life and theirs to live, no matter what I do or not do.
So, again, many thanks for sharing the good news. And, I guess it isn't good for us when we do the "what if's". It may be better to look at things as being fresh and new - at least that's what I'm feeling and learning now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Rainy -
It sounds like your husband has made some amazing progress - congratulations to him! I can understand your fears though. How do you know this time will be any different? Are you still going to want to watch him like a hawk? Will your guts still be tied in knots? Making the decision to go to the clean and sober house sounds like he is really committed to doing this right and making sure he is ready when he comes home to start living a better life.
As for you, it takes a long time to build those protective walls and they don't come down all at once. This will give you more time to think about why those walls have been erected. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild but with you both working your programs - anything is possible! Sounds like you are both headed in the right direction.
Hugs, Jo
It sounds like your husband has made some amazing progress - congratulations to him! I can understand your fears though. How do you know this time will be any different? Are you still going to want to watch him like a hawk? Will your guts still be tied in knots? Making the decision to go to the clean and sober house sounds like he is really committed to doing this right and making sure he is ready when he comes home to start living a better life.
As for you, it takes a long time to build those protective walls and they don't come down all at once. This will give you more time to think about why those walls have been erected. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild but with you both working your programs - anything is possible! Sounds like you are both headed in the right direction.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Rainy -
Great News!
I was in your place in March. I was so nervous during that family meeting. Well, It has been over 110 days and my husband is still sober (he is at a double header - two AA meetings - as I type).
His homecoming was also a little scary. But, it's amazing. He is back to being himself (not the Jack Daniels man that I lived with for over 5 years). At times I just look him in the eyes and tell him how proud I am and that I am so happy that when he goes out fishing I know he is coming home safe and sound (and sober). Not snooping on him, not walking around on egg shells (and stopping all the other lovely co-dependent habits I had) was difficult at first but boy has it gotten easier!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Try to enjoy yourself and look at all the good things in your life.
NoDoubt
Great News!
I was in your place in March. I was so nervous during that family meeting. Well, It has been over 110 days and my husband is still sober (he is at a double header - two AA meetings - as I type).
His homecoming was also a little scary. But, it's amazing. He is back to being himself (not the Jack Daniels man that I lived with for over 5 years). At times I just look him in the eyes and tell him how proud I am and that I am so happy that when he goes out fishing I know he is coming home safe and sound (and sober). Not snooping on him, not walking around on egg shells (and stopping all the other lovely co-dependent habits I had) was difficult at first but boy has it gotten easier!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Try to enjoy yourself and look at all the good things in your life.
NoDoubt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Life is not sweet every day
Well, yesterday turned out to be a horrid day for us. I was feeling SO good about our counselling appointment, that we'd been honest with each other and I am so proud of him as he continues in his sobriety.
We were in town getting some more stuff for our camping trip, when he asked me to buy him some chew--I asked where his money was. He said he'd loaned it to a guy at the reco house. Earlier he had told me he'd left his money there when he came out to our house and on our way to town we stopped there so he could grab some stuff (me thinking he prob grabbed his wallet too). I asked him if he'd left it or loaned it, two different stories. He went off his rocker on me--here we were sitting in front of a convenience store, and he was screaming at me that I am a control freak--I said No if you had told me that the first time I asked, then we wouldn't be having a 2nd conversation about it, that's all, pretty simple to me. No big deal. He blew his lid though and told me he was leaving right then. He also told me that what he does with his $ is not my business, and I said We are married, that makes it my business to ask if I want to. I also said that it's my right to ask when he wants me to buy him things because that's coming out of my pocket and I am solely responsible for all of our finances right now. Didn't say any of this with anger or resentment, it's the truth and that's what I stated. I also told him that we should go on with our day and drop it b/c it is not worth it to fight over the small things. But it was too late, he said no way and left.
I felt completely like I was back living in one of his alcohol dazes, where he was completely out of control and unreasonable. That scares me! I think I will rethink this whole 2 week vacation with him. I wonder if we are ready for something like that at this point??
This is the craziest disease I've ever had the pleasure (??) of being involved in--one day it's like heaven, the next it's hell--even in their sobriety. Yet, I can take this opportunity and look within in myself yet again and see where I need to refocus my energy and prayers again.
thanks for listening,
We were in town getting some more stuff for our camping trip, when he asked me to buy him some chew--I asked where his money was. He said he'd loaned it to a guy at the reco house. Earlier he had told me he'd left his money there when he came out to our house and on our way to town we stopped there so he could grab some stuff (me thinking he prob grabbed his wallet too). I asked him if he'd left it or loaned it, two different stories. He went off his rocker on me--here we were sitting in front of a convenience store, and he was screaming at me that I am a control freak--I said No if you had told me that the first time I asked, then we wouldn't be having a 2nd conversation about it, that's all, pretty simple to me. No big deal. He blew his lid though and told me he was leaving right then. He also told me that what he does with his $ is not my business, and I said We are married, that makes it my business to ask if I want to. I also said that it's my right to ask when he wants me to buy him things because that's coming out of my pocket and I am solely responsible for all of our finances right now. Didn't say any of this with anger or resentment, it's the truth and that's what I stated. I also told him that we should go on with our day and drop it b/c it is not worth it to fight over the small things. But it was too late, he said no way and left.
I felt completely like I was back living in one of his alcohol dazes, where he was completely out of control and unreasonable. That scares me! I think I will rethink this whole 2 week vacation with him. I wonder if we are ready for something like that at this point??
This is the craziest disease I've ever had the pleasure (??) of being involved in--one day it's like heaven, the next it's hell--even in their sobriety. Yet, I can take this opportunity and look within in myself yet again and see where I need to refocus my energy and prayers again.
thanks for listening,
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((rainy))) (((rainy))) Double HUGS! Sending plenty of good thoughts your way as you draw on all the strength you have to stand up for yourself and do what's good for you. I like that book called "Controling People" where the author Patricia Evans says to say, "What?" or "Nonsense!" "What did you say?" Stops them dead in their tracks (hopefully) until you have the time to think what you will say in retun (if anything). She does say BE CAREFUL with someone who is a total CONTROL FREAK! They might become very violent or abusive when you "break the spell" that they think they have over you.
At any rate, two weeks with someone who screams at you over "nothing" might now be such a good idea after all. Just keep sharing. "Let GO, Let GOD".
You are a special, wonderful lady who can choose what you would like to do for you. And, think of this one: "We teach people how to treat us". Whew!
At any rate, two weeks with someone who screams at you over "nothing" might now be such a good idea after all. Just keep sharing. "Let GO, Let GOD".
You are a special, wonderful lady who can choose what you would like to do for you. And, think of this one: "We teach people how to treat us". Whew!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
We teach people how to treat us...
Still Learning,
WOW--how much I needed to read that today! Thank you. I'm not even depressed this time, this isn't the first time that he's gone off about something that really wasn't a big deal. I'm looking at it like this: he is fighting to regain who he IS right now and it's possible that whatever I say to him might mean to HIM that I am trying to control--it really doesn't matter if I tell him I'm not doing that, he is going to believe what he wants right now. I just have to let him figure it out for himself. What am I teaching him right now? That I will put up with this and accept it? I must be, without even knowing it--that gives me a lot to think and pray about.
I went to church this morning, although I really didn't want to, I was enjoying being angry too much. I went to the early service just in case he went at our normal time and I didn't want to run into him. Part of the message today was that no matter what is going on in our lives, God is bigger. Now I know why I went--I needed to hear that!! The anger went away and I felt calm again-- When I'm angry it scares me, because I have this uncanny ability to shut myself off and stop feeling. I felt that coming on again by this morning, thinking I just can't live in a circus like this, how can I go around thinking things are going great, then wham! a temper tantrum over something that insignificant! But wait, am I focusing on him or me? LOL see I can find some humor in this today--I watched myself turn all of my energy onto him and thinking he is a big jerk and so selfish and poor me--when I should be concentrating on me, and letting God's will direct our relationship, rather than mine.
thanks for the hugs, I needed them today.
WOW--how much I needed to read that today! Thank you. I'm not even depressed this time, this isn't the first time that he's gone off about something that really wasn't a big deal. I'm looking at it like this: he is fighting to regain who he IS right now and it's possible that whatever I say to him might mean to HIM that I am trying to control--it really doesn't matter if I tell him I'm not doing that, he is going to believe what he wants right now. I just have to let him figure it out for himself. What am I teaching him right now? That I will put up with this and accept it? I must be, without even knowing it--that gives me a lot to think and pray about.
I went to church this morning, although I really didn't want to, I was enjoying being angry too much. I went to the early service just in case he went at our normal time and I didn't want to run into him. Part of the message today was that no matter what is going on in our lives, God is bigger. Now I know why I went--I needed to hear that!! The anger went away and I felt calm again-- When I'm angry it scares me, because I have this uncanny ability to shut myself off and stop feeling. I felt that coming on again by this morning, thinking I just can't live in a circus like this, how can I go around thinking things are going great, then wham! a temper tantrum over something that insignificant! But wait, am I focusing on him or me? LOL see I can find some humor in this today--I watched myself turn all of my energy onto him and thinking he is a big jerk and so selfish and poor me--when I should be concentrating on me, and letting God's will direct our relationship, rather than mine.
thanks for the hugs, I needed them today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((((((Rainy))))))))
Wow! Your growth amazes me! I think you are doing so well. My opinion is, you handled the situation with complete dignity. So glad your message at church was just what you needed.
Sending lots of hugs,
Lyn
Sending lots of hugs,
Lyn
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