anubus

Sorry if this is a double post.....I posted last night, but I think it got lost in cyberspace.

I threw my ABF out on Thursday. He called Friday, asking if he could pick his (illegal) van, tools, and personal belongings up on Saturday.......he never showed up, and hasn't phoned since. He's either staying away hoping I'll miss him & beg him to come back (happened before), with a new enabler, or on a drinking binge or maybe all three.

I REFUSE to phone him (his mom, my daughter, and friends that know the situation agree that phoning him would be a bad move).

I have no idea where he's staying, I don't know any of his friends, and his mom isn't speaking to him. He has 2 daughters ages 17 & 19, but they live with their mom & stepdad......so leaving the stuff there isn't an option either.

Honestly, the stuff isn't in my way.....the van is in my garage, and the rest of the stuff is in my breezeway. But it's very irratating that he hasn't made any attempts to pick it up yet. I'm on pins & needles every day wondering if he'll call and worried about what I'll say, plus every time I come home from work the first thing I do is check to see if he came.....urgh. So it's kinda keeping me from getting any closure or whatever.

I'm seriously tempted to junk the van. It's not in his name even, it's in a dead woman's name (long story but he never changed it over). The plates, stickers, everything is illegal, plus the thing is totally JUNK. He was going to junk it himself, but was afraid. But I'm sure he'll be furious if I do this (might retaliate).

The other stuff I'm thinking about renting a storage unit for 1 month, and sending his daughter the keys as somebody here suggested in another post.

Am I being too concerned about this? Is it too soon to want his stuff out, or am I being correct? Any other suggestions what to do with his stuff?

Barbara52

If you want the stuff gone, get rid of it! You do not have to hang on to it. Its just another way to hold on to a connection to him. No it is not at all unreasonable as I see it to expect him to take responsibility for his stuff. You are not a storage facility!

What I would do is make one phone call giving him a deadline for picking up his stuff (don't get into a converstaion). If the deadline passes, then I would either have it hauled away as trash or as you said put it in storage and give his daughter the keys.

hadenoughnow

I would do the storage unit, keeping his stuff around is just asking for trouble. I had to pack my ex's clothes and make him take them too.

NeedHappiness

I would give him a deadline then get rid of the stuff. Either do the storage unit like you said, or else drop his things off at a family member's house.
Good luck

Jazzman

I think it might cost you money to put his stuff in a storage unit. I was thinking, (this is bad but...) put his stuff in the van and then park it illegally... after you call him with a one more chance to get it deadline of course.

Sounds like he's burned lots of bridges already and you could end up stuck with that stuff.

TTOSBT

I LOVE the idea of putting all the stuff in the van!!
That makes it VERY quick to have him out of there.
Yup, put all the stuff in the van, give him a 5-7 deadline and then park the van on the street away from your house. Now this MAY be bad advice but I do not think that you should have to deal with the storage issue because then you STILL have the van.
Good luck. (by the way, you probably should listen to other people, lol)

Barbara52

I sure wouldn't want to keep the van around longer than absolutely necessary since I think it may leave you open to legal problems in one form or anther.

anubus

Oh gosh, I love you guys!! Lol.....

Yes, may not be an ethically "correct" thing to do, but I really DO like the idea of parking the van someplace!! The van starts & runs without keys (I already posted that it needed junked a long time ago.....lol). Plus most of his stuff is already loaded in the van.

Sounds like a plan to me!!

freya

When I threw my partner out a few years ago due to her dry drunk relapse, I gave her a date by which all of her stuff had to be out. I also gave her dates and times that I could easily not be around but would arrange to have someone else here to supervise her (I didn't use the word "supervise," but the point was clear) and told her to let me know in advance when she would be coming to remove it.

She wasn't happy -- left me nasty messages and sent some poor-me-poor-me-pour-me-a-drink e-mails, which I didn't listen to or read (other than so far as to get the idea that it was the same the same old BS) and to which I didn't bother to respond other than to reiterate my conditions and tell her that, if she failed to comply, I would be giving the stuff to whomever wanted it and putting the rest on the curb the day after the deadline I had set for her passed.

She did get the stuff out the weekend before the deadline -- but if she hadn't, you'd better believe it would have been disposed of quickly. And you know what, she sure believed it, otherwise she never would have removed it!

That's one of the major benefits of setting and maintaining good boundaries -- after awhile it does get through to even a totally diseased brain that you mean what you say and they'd better look for another hostage.

freya

p.s. Actually, there's a funny little side to this story because my partner is very butch and she has A LOT of gorgeous Territory Ahead men's shirts that sell for, like, $40-$60 each. And there was this other butch friend of ours who was like asking me every couple of days, "Frey, when are you going to give me those shirts? Can I really have those shirts if she doesn't come get 'em???" And after we got back together, I happened to tell my partner that story and, boy, she still has a resentment about that woman wanting her shirts -- probably because she knows how d*mn close she actually came to getting them!!!!

Barbara52

anubus

Thanks freya,
And yes that is so funny about the shirts

I actually tried what you suggested with my ABF about a month ago (foolishly I ended up feeling sorry for him having no place to go, and let him move back in that time). But last time I had called & left a message that if he didn't get his stuff, I was going to junk the van & put the other stuff out in the driveway. He didn't so I put his stuff out......sat there all weekend in the rain........until his 17 year old daughter WALKED to pick his stuff up......took alot of trips too, as there was some heavy tools etc. Then I just got blamed by him & his kids that I left his stuff out in the rain. Then he had nerve enough come back, and ask if he could SLEEP in the van for a couple of days in my driveway.......:

Still haven't heard from him this time. Debating what to do.....I like the idea of parking the van someplace, just not sure if I'm ready for him retaliating on my car, house, or something (his mom claims he would do that, and has before to others).

Today I was going to move the van outside (it's currently in my garage), hopefully he'll get worried about his tools getting stolen & come get the stuff. But ended up having to work late, so didn't have time to do it yet. Maybe just moving it outside will get him moving, but if not, then the next step is parking it someplace else. Ugh, this is rediculous!! WHO doesn't pick their stuff up????? The way he talks, those tools are sacred to him, yet he leaves them here not even TRYING to make arrangements to get them?????? I just don't understand this.

Barbara52

And if he does, you call the police and file charges. But please don't let yourself be controled by thoughts of "what if."

starflier

An active alcoholic, that's who!

Don't get me wrong, I'm desperately sorry that you're having to go through this. Rent a rottweiler. Rent a couple of big teenage boys. Whatever you need to do, but don't let this bully intimidate you. Call the cops in advance and tell them what you're planning so they're aware. If you park his van full o' stuff in the street in front of your house, call the cops, explain that it's your ex's stuff, and that he might be violent. Just stay on top of the situation and stay in charge. We're all thinking of you and rooting for you! You go, girl!

anubus

Thank you Barbara & Starflier....
I definately NEEDED to hear those words tonight!! Needed the kick in the butt.....I'm stalling because of all the "What If's"........my boss (the minister who knows all about alcoholics) told me this tonight also......I'm STALLING....urgh.
I did advise the police a few weeks ago as to the situation. They said to call 911 immediately if there are any problems.....since there is a warrant, THEY will be picking HIM up instead of him picking his stuff up. BUT, I know the legal system all too well.....the sorry fact is that they won;t keep him very long (the warrant is a bench warrant for failing to show for a DUI hearing).
And I foresee slashed tires, sugar in my gas tank, he already threatened to cause problems at my job.....what else......

Well, he knows I phoned the police, so hopefully he's scared enough not to do anything. Regardless, I know I need to do this.

I'm also going through the "WHY" syndrome tonight.......like the other poster, who asked WHY.......so I'm going to post a seperate one on that (hope you all read it & reply). Just need some answers to satisfy my need to understand this illness, to be able to put it to rest in my mind.

Thank you all so much for the encouragement.

starflier

Oh, Anubus, I'm so sad for you. Not only am I sad for myself, and the precious people I love, but I'm sad for you, too. We may all think, "Oh, these are just 'virtual' people out there!" But no, we're real people and we yearn in our hearts for each other. Wishing that someone would have the strength that we lack in ourselves. That's why we appreciate so much the posts from those who have conquered, moved beyond the drama and are living their lives in freedom. Anubus, you will be one of those! Stay strong! We are depending on you and we love you and are cheering for you! Rock on!

freya

I think you missed the most important part.....THEY HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU!.....and the only way that is ever going to happen is if you follow through on what you say -- 100%, every time, no mercy, zero tolerance. Hell, yeah, you feel sorry for them, you just don't need to act out of that or even let them know it, because they will use it against you for all it's worth. It is terrible to see someone you love and who you know could have a much better life (and you, too!) making humiliating, self-destructive choices......but you do not have to allow your boundaries to be violated because you feel sad for them. When you feel sad you call your sponsor or a friend or you go to an Al Anon meeting or an open AA meeting and listen to people who are making better choices and who give you hope and the knowledge that your A has a hope, too, if he chooses to find it....and his hope is not you!

Also, as far as his kids go, sounds like he is raising them up to be fine co-dependents -- so they can end up being in the same miserable situation as you are right now either with him or with someone else. The VERY best thing you can do for them is show them the example of someone who make healthy choices, takes care of herself, enforces her boundaries, and sees all the alcoholic manipulation for the BS it is. Sounds like you might be the very only person they know who even has the possibility of being able to do this for them -- it would be absolutely the most valuable "gift" you can give them.

What did you tell him you would do? If you told him something, you do what you told him. If you didn't, put the stuff in the van, park it on the street, let him know where it is, and eventually, if he doesn't deal with it, the local authorities will. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Also, if you've been told by a family member of his that he will retaliate against you, file a complaint with the police.....at least it will be on record if anything does happen.

People who are used to being able to get others to take care of them, enable them, and do it for them. In other words people who have been taught by codependents that they will be protected from the negative consequences of their bad behavior.


You don't need to understand it. All you need to understand is that you don't like it and you don't want it in your life and that you are going to do what you need to do to get it out of your life. Time and energy that you spend trying to understand alcoholic insanity is time and energy that you give to him and his disease and that you steal from yourself and your own recovery. And anyway, personally, I'm not so sure it would really be a good thing if you actually could understand crazy people.

freya

GiveLove

Anubus,

Have you thought about locking his tools in the van and parking it on your street, at least 200 yards from your house? You could wire/tape the keys to the van's undercarriage in some way, and leave one last phone message saying what you've done. If his kids are willing to do his dirty work, then leave them, and even his parents, the message too. Why are you still in contact with his parents, by the way?

Eventually, someone will complain to the police and it will get towed. But it's not your problem any more.

Note: the thing that makes A's the most angry is when you continue to engage with them but their usual tricks no longer work. Avoid engaging with him. After nearly a year of hell with my X, I finally went no-contact and he started down the road of choosing another victim.

Get a locking gas cap today. If you can afford a car alarm, get that too. (or if you have one, use it)

So glad you're not stuck with this person any more. You deserve so much better.

starflier

Every day, I am struck anew by the wisdom of those who post here. Your words really hit home to me. Thank you.