Reddmax

Anyway, the AW is traveling these two days. She calls yesterday to say she arrived at her destination, and that she'd call later. This is at 2:30 PM. I work the rest of the day, go home. Its actually calm at home. I do some chores, watch TV, and then go to bed early, because I'm exhausted. I wake up at 1:00 AM, and realize "No call". So, I don't call to check. S&^% it.

I don't sleep well, get up at 6:00, get ready for work and take off. I get a 7:00 AM call from the AW, who says she crashed after dinner because she was tired. Yeah right. Either she was drunk, or busy.

I'm venting, but the good points are this. I didn't call. I did get some sleep. and I'm moving closer and closer to I don't give a d^&*.

Barbara52

Progress not perfection! Remember those words. {hugs}

MsPINKAcres

Praying you have a great day at work and the phone calls do not affect your Serenity and Joy.

respektingme

Redmaxx, good for you.

You are speeding through a course that took me much longer to get through. The first time I couldn't get ahold of my AH when he was out of town was back in 1994. He went on a job interview in Las Vegas. I called him all through the night and never got ahold of him. At the time, I thought he could be shacked up with another woman, but later he said he drank too much and went to sleep.

Over the course of the years, I have realized his problem. At first, I used to call him late at night to check on him, worry myself sick. I don't know how many times we "lost our connection" or he got muffled and our line was "disconnected".

Now when he's out of town, he can call me. If he doesn't call, it's a good indicator that he's splayed out on a bathroom tile floor somewhere sick as a dog. Oh well..... I don't think so much about what he's doing anymore when he's gone. I try to focus on how nice it is to have the house all to myself.

GiveLove

The more your self-esteem heals -- in other words, the more indignant you get that someone treats you with such disrespect -- the more your "I don't give a &#%* " will grow, and rightfully so. We have so little time here on this world....why spend it chasing after people who mistreat us? More power to you, red.

Reddmax

One of the problems I face in all of this, is the purpose behind her actions. It's almost as if she's trying to figure out things and actions that deliberately designed to hurt me. Therefore, I've got to be on my guard.

Like today, she's supposed to be home tonight, and she's got a 6 hour trip. Does she call when she's leaving? No, so I've got to wonder when she'll show up, and in what condition. It's enough to drive you mad. Also, I really don't know what she's up to with regard to accounts, ex, lawyers, or whatever. I really hate that feeling of being ambushed.

Redd

starflier

It's horrible, isn't it? When your whole life feels like it's been turned upside down, it seems like nothing could be worse. Hang in there, you're doing great! Soon, your life will be focused on you. Wondering what you want to do, contemplating how you want to spend your time, and thinking about who you want to spend that time with. Thanks for keeping us updated.

NeedHappiness

Hang in there Redd. I know its hard to keep your mind from wandering! It's also hard to break old habits. Old codie habits of of trying to help and trying to "fix" everything. Just keep taking baby steps and things will come to you when the time is right.
Take care of you

Barbara52

I think you misunderstand the reality of the alcoholic mind. I'd be willing to bet you don't figure into her thoughts much at all, certainly not the extent of worrying about you might be worrying since she didn't let you know when she left. It probably never entered her mind to call.

LaTeeDa

This is not something that "just happens." It could happen soon, or it could happen right now. All that's required is to change the focus from someone else to myself. It's a choice. You can choose to worry and fret over someone else's possible actions, torture yourself with "what-ifs," try to figure out what they're thinking and what their next move might be. Or, you can take action regarding those things you have control over, and let go of those things you don't have any control over.

It's all a choice.....................

L

Lilyflower

I know that when I was with my exabf, I began feeling completely paranoid. He had told me so many lies, professed their truth, undermined my instincts, belittled me so many times over the years that I didn't know what reality was, what the truth of anything was. I couldn't trust a word that came out of his mouth, I didn't trust my self either. It drove me insane.

The only reason why I was suffering that way was because I was always attempting to make sense of an illogical person. To unravel the lies from the truths. It was a waste of my energy, I don't even think exabf knew what were lies and truths.

Redd, you don't ''got to wonder'' at all. As you quite rightly said, it is enough to drive you mad. Let it go. Whatever she is doing, is none of your concern. She is her own person, who can face her own consequences. Tend to yourself. Plan your evening, regardless of whether she enters it, or not; drunk or sober. Plan your own accounts, lawyer etc. If she sorts out herself, then good for her. If she doesn't, then she'll face the consequences.

Keep practicing your detachment.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

Strange, she was actually nice last night (Wed). She seemed to be looking forward to treatment and fixing her problems.

She did get totally drunk, but went to bed before getting aggressive. Did a little digging in her luggage, and on her trip she bought a 4 pack of the smaller wine bottles. 350 ml a piece. She apparently drank 3 1/2 of them, which sort of explains why she didn't call Tuesday night.

The doctor did give me a prescription, which will help me sleep.

I've got information on 2 lawyers, and working on getting more to interview.

Lilyflower

Does it make you feel any better to go rumaging through her things and proving to yourself that she was drinking when you knew the truth deep down anyway?

Does knowing exactly how much she drank and when, lead you towards being a more calmer, serene persona; or does it just fuel your insanity?

You got to make healthy choices for yourself Redd, you are continuing behaviour that IMHO is not doing you any good here.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

Please listen to lilyflower. Getting to the point where your behavior and choices no longer hinges on AW's behaviors and choices is the beginning of a better, more serene life.

Rella927

Red sorry that you are going through this right now-check out my post on "In between" that may help ease some of your chaos.

The feeling of not knowing and wondering what we are facing is not easy, however when we make a plan for ourselves to reach a better place it is then we will start to see a more peacful less chaos life. Do you have a plan for you?

-Please be gentle with yourself.

starflier

Red, you and I are in such a similar stage of our recovery, that I hope it's okay if I tell you a little of what I'm trying to do. Specifically, I think you should resist the temptation to keep track of your wife's drinking. It will drive YOU CRAZY!!! I did it for years, so I know of what I speak. You've probably done it for a long time, too. I no longer do it. Sure, I wonder sometimes, and have been tempted to look, but I have completely stopped. The evidence is right in front of me anyway, walking, talking, or staggering and slurring as the case may be.

Frequently, I'm struck with how much the word "she" appears in your postings. It sounds like you're concentrating so much on what she's doing that it's hard to focus on yourself. I'm new to this, too, but I am specifically resisting inserting my A into my posts. When I'm tempted, I type away in Notepad, then delete anything that includes "she." If there's anything worthwhile remaining, then I post it. If not, I start over and try to think only about myself. It's brand new! It's difficult! Sometimes, it feels impossible! But, I realize it's the only way I'll break away.

I'm reading a book right now, Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. I can't stress enough how much I think you should read it. I did not grow up with alcoholic parents. My mother was borderline/manic and my father was codependent. But, the disfunction in my home was strikingly similar to that of children growing up with an alcoholic parent. I was struck by the passage I read this morning about a young man who was overwhelmed by an act of kindness from a young woman. Apparently he drank a lot of Hawaiian Punch, and this young woman saved some of the labels and pasted them onto some fresh fruit that she then gave to him. The young man was so struck that she would take the time to care about his nutrition and to paste these labels on the fruit, that he had a hard time to keep his cool.

What does this have to do with you and me? I think we both have a problem with accepting acts of kindness. My mother was a "now I love you, now I hate you" person. When she was kind, it overwhelmed me and made me forgive her hatefulness. I've brought that same tendency into my adult relationships. When my AP is sweet, she's very, very sweet; I am so taken with her kindness, that I come back to loving her every time like a sorry little puppy. This keeps me playing the game, and stops me from focusing on myself. I just keep waiting for the next act of kindness, or sign of possible sobriety, or whatever, instead of taking care of myself.

I apologize for rambling, and I hope I haven't offended you. I only have your best interests at heart.
Hugs!

Reddmax

One of the problems of electronic communication is that its imprecise. I'm not concerned with the A's thoughts, motivations, etc. What I'm concerned with is how things will impact me. Im a big believer in self-protection. I don't want to get hammered between the eyes because I'm not alert?

How do each of you handle self-protection in the experiences you've had? Did you finally just get to the point of "I'm outta here, I can't stand it"?

LaTeeDa

It goes back to changing the things you can control, and letting go of the things you can't. You mentioned being worried about the dog. You can do something about that. You mentioned "accounts." You can do something about that.

You cannot control, or even anticipate when she will drink, how much, or how she will act when she is drunk.

Let go of the things you cannot control (her) and focus on the things you can control (you).

L

Reddmax

Which means setting definite limits to what I will take in terms of behavior. I see that.

Darn, this is going to be a pain in the posterior.

starflier

Awesome! Not a single "she" in your entire post!