In knots - warning, I'm rambling and venting a bit!
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
In knots - warning, I'm rambling and venting a bit!
I don't know what to do. I'm being worn down. So I thought I'd share what's happened so far and listen to your collective words of wisdom...
The plan is to decorate the house so we can sell and split. If we can get a decent price then I ought to be able to afford to buy a nice place for me and my cats - a tough thing in this financial climate. Most of the house hasn't been touched since we moved here 7 years ago - it was a fixer upper back then and my AH persuaded me to buy it cos it would keep him busy and away from booze (hah!). It is also in another town from where we used to live and where our families live. Again this was a good thing because there aren't so many pubs here and he wouldn't have his drinking buddies (d'oh!). Most of the redecoration has been left to me - especially since my AH's mental deterioration and increase in alcohol consumption. AH knows the plan and says he wants to split - not right now though, later when he feels able to deal with it.
We don't have the money for one of us to leave (we both work full time). I've split our finances - we jointly pay the bills and he has his wages and I have mine. We buy and cook our own food, do our own washing etc. But AH won't clean up after himself, won't dust or vaccum, won't mow the lawn etc so I'm left to do all that. He also won't contribute to the cost of paint etc nor will he lift a paintbrush. So the painting is left to me. My mum comes round when she can to help too! Don't know what I'd do without her.
My AH is depressed, stressed and I'm his favourite emotional punchbag right now (and have been for at least 5 months). We can't talk without him losing his temper or being nasty. I arranged for a referral to Relate (UK Marriage counselling) to help us split and he did go to the assessment meeting. The waiting list is 12 weeks though!
Me? Well, I've had my anti depressants increased but I still feel overwhelmed by everything. But I'm getting there - or at least I thought I was. Yesterday my AH showed me a cut on his wrist and told me he tried to kill himself. Not a big nor a deep cut but it was there. I can't believe he would do that to himself. Part of me, the part that still loves the man he was, is utterly heartbroken. The other part of me is just plain exhausted. What will he try next? What does he expect me to do? There isn't anything I can do. He went to see his counsellor yesterday and she told him to go to A&E and tell them he's feeling suicidal and they will hospitalise him. He won't do it. Its too much of a stigma and I don't think he's truely suicidal, I think he's crying out for attention and help.Every time I think about it I get myself tied in knots. I want to cry my eyes out. I feel so sorry for both of us! And I'm bloody angry at him too!! He's just so passive agressive!! I'm fighting my codie instincts here. I'm trying not to hold him and tell him I'll make it all better if he just does as I telll him!! :codiepolice
I think I made a mistake last week when I told him that yes, I did still love him but I cannot live like this and will not live with an active alcoholic. He was feeling very vunerable at the time and was convinced I hate him. Since then he has tried to get me to repeat what I said by telling me that I hate him. I don't repeat it though, I just tell him we already talked about this - remember? But it feels as if he's detected a gap in my 'armour' and is trying to exploit it. I'm not an unfeeling robot! It does feel like I'm living in a war zone.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a bit better already. If I could just hang in here another month I ought to be ready to put the house up for sale.
The plan is to decorate the house so we can sell and split. If we can get a decent price then I ought to be able to afford to buy a nice place for me and my cats - a tough thing in this financial climate. Most of the house hasn't been touched since we moved here 7 years ago - it was a fixer upper back then and my AH persuaded me to buy it cos it would keep him busy and away from booze (hah!). It is also in another town from where we used to live and where our families live. Again this was a good thing because there aren't so many pubs here and he wouldn't have his drinking buddies (d'oh!). Most of the redecoration has been left to me - especially since my AH's mental deterioration and increase in alcohol consumption. AH knows the plan and says he wants to split - not right now though, later when he feels able to deal with it.
We don't have the money for one of us to leave (we both work full time). I've split our finances - we jointly pay the bills and he has his wages and I have mine. We buy and cook our own food, do our own washing etc. But AH won't clean up after himself, won't dust or vaccum, won't mow the lawn etc so I'm left to do all that. He also won't contribute to the cost of paint etc nor will he lift a paintbrush. So the painting is left to me. My mum comes round when she can to help too! Don't know what I'd do without her.
My AH is depressed, stressed and I'm his favourite emotional punchbag right now (and have been for at least 5 months). We can't talk without him losing his temper or being nasty. I arranged for a referral to Relate (UK Marriage counselling) to help us split and he did go to the assessment meeting. The waiting list is 12 weeks though!
Me? Well, I've had my anti depressants increased but I still feel overwhelmed by everything. But I'm getting there - or at least I thought I was. Yesterday my AH showed me a cut on his wrist and told me he tried to kill himself. Not a big nor a deep cut but it was there. I can't believe he would do that to himself. Part of me, the part that still loves the man he was, is utterly heartbroken. The other part of me is just plain exhausted. What will he try next? What does he expect me to do? There isn't anything I can do. He went to see his counsellor yesterday and she told him to go to A&E and tell them he's feeling suicidal and they will hospitalise him. He won't do it. Its too much of a stigma and I don't think he's truely suicidal, I think he's crying out for attention and help.Every time I think about it I get myself tied in knots. I want to cry my eyes out. I feel so sorry for both of us! And I'm bloody angry at him too!! He's just so passive agressive!! I'm fighting my codie instincts here. I'm trying not to hold him and tell him I'll make it all better if he just does as I telll him!! :codiepolice
I think I made a mistake last week when I told him that yes, I did still love him but I cannot live like this and will not live with an active alcoholic. He was feeling very vunerable at the time and was convinced I hate him. Since then he has tried to get me to repeat what I said by telling me that I hate him. I don't repeat it though, I just tell him we already talked about this - remember? But it feels as if he's detected a gap in my 'armour' and is trying to exploit it. I'm not an unfeeling robot! It does feel like I'm living in a war zone.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a bit better already. If I could just hang in here another month I ought to be ready to put the house up for sale.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Just remember how you feel when your AH has been drinking. How angry you are, how betrayed you are and how much you hate your life when he is like that. He will not change. I am one that says if you love him and can live with the way it is then stay. If not, get your arse in gear, do up the house what ever the cost and get out. I will just warn you that when the house is done, he will love you more, will say he'll try harder and you will have to be strong and sell up. If there is relationship to be had it will survive a separation. You must live for you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi Bookwyrm,
I'm glad you let that all out, it gets too much sometimes don't it!! A problem shared is a problem halved!
I think you are doing fantastic, you know you are too, just feeling a bit tired of the struggle I think? You will get through this, dig deep into yourself right now, you are strong inside, believe in you, I do.
My house was a complete digusting mess prior to my abf leaving. He too refused to do any house work. He was unemployed at home all the time, while I was working full time, and I would literally spend my free time cleaning up not only after my daughter and I but his lazy ass! It was frustrating. It ended up that he would hang out in the bedroom morning noon and night, and I refused to clean in there. I moved onto the sofa and only cleaned up after him in the kitchen which was communal. The way I looked at it was that it was a small price to pay to get him gone, and i could put up with it because I knew when he would be leaving. I understand things are different for you though, as you are trying to sell and therefore the house has to be in a presentable state. Keep thinking of the future though, in the grand scheme of things, this is only a temporary state.
Attention seeking, I am convinced, especially since he won't go for help. He is loving the drama. I admit when I was around 15 I cut my wrisits. I did not want to die however...
Bit of background, whilst still dating my first serious boyf who I had been with for two years, I had kissed someone while drunk and wrapped up in guilt, I told my bf. He was distraught, I felt guilty. After a lengthly phone call of both of us crying, I cut myself. I wanted to punish myself for being so horrid to him. The cuts themselves were not deep and as I was so scared that I would bleed and not stop I cut deliberately avoiding my main vein, plus I cut horizontally, not vertically along the vein (serious attempts at suicide by slitting wrists are usually cut vertically). I showed these to my friend at school who took me to one side and gave me all the attention (negative or positive it didn't bother me) that I craved. I showed them to my bf who promptly forgave me, telling me he never meant to be so harsh to me.
I tell you this, not to disgust or anything! Only to show you that people in serious mental conflict with themselves can act in very abusive ways toward their own body in order to gain sympathy, attention and support from those around them. I wanted out of the conflict I had created with my bf whom I loved, and used a severe form of physical abuse to myself and emotional abuse to him and my friend to get it.
I was seriously depressed, but I did not want to die. I know it is hard, but don't allow him to abuse you this way. Gently remind him that if he needs help it is there for him, and carry on.
Love to you,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm glad you let that all out, it gets too much sometimes don't it!! A problem shared is a problem halved!
I think you are doing fantastic, you know you are too, just feeling a bit tired of the struggle I think? You will get through this, dig deep into yourself right now, you are strong inside, believe in you, I do.
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
...AH won't clean up after himself, won't dust or vaccum, won't mow the lawn etc so I'm left to do all that. He also won't contribute to the cost of paint etc nor will he lift a paintbrush. So the painting is left to me...
Originally Posted by bookwyrm
...Yesterday my AH showed me a cut on his wrist and told me he tried to kill himself. Not a big nor a deep cut but it was there. I can't believe he would do that to himself...
Bit of background, whilst still dating my first serious boyf who I had been with for two years, I had kissed someone while drunk and wrapped up in guilt, I told my bf. He was distraught, I felt guilty. After a lengthly phone call of both of us crying, I cut myself. I wanted to punish myself for being so horrid to him. The cuts themselves were not deep and as I was so scared that I would bleed and not stop I cut deliberately avoiding my main vein, plus I cut horizontally, not vertically along the vein (serious attempts at suicide by slitting wrists are usually cut vertically). I showed these to my friend at school who took me to one side and gave me all the attention (negative or positive it didn't bother me) that I craved. I showed them to my bf who promptly forgave me, telling me he never meant to be so harsh to me.
I tell you this, not to disgust or anything! Only to show you that people in serious mental conflict with themselves can act in very abusive ways toward their own body in order to gain sympathy, attention and support from those around them. I wanted out of the conflict I had created with my bf whom I loved, and used a severe form of physical abuse to myself and emotional abuse to him and my friend to get it.
I was seriously depressed, but I did not want to die. I know it is hard, but don't allow him to abuse you this way. Gently remind him that if he needs help it is there for him, and carry on.
Love to you,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I don't think you are venting at all, you are describing what a useless pile of poo your soon-to-be-ex is. Most of them are like that the further along the disease progresses. Even if your finances are strained, please consider getting a yard service to spruce up the outside.
Meanwhile, do you have someone else other than your mum who can help with the painting? Don't worry about all the fixer-upper things that need to be done. Do the best you can, and remember that a spotlessly clean house that smells good is appealing - even if it needs a bit of work. One trick I learned when I sold my last house was to put a small bowl of vanilla extract in the microwave. The aroma permeated the house with an inviting, homey smell.
Also, I placed fresh flower arrangements in strategic areas. I left my DirectTV on a soft-music station, so there was pleasant background music throughout the house. Do you have a CD player with multiple CD's? It would be a good thing to have soft music playing if a realtor brings potential buyers through to inspect the house.
Highlight the good points and play down the bad. It CAN be done. I sold my house in five hours - and there was a bidding war between two potential buyers. All I focused on was aroma and cleaniliness.
Meanwhile, do you have someone else other than your mum who can help with the painting? Don't worry about all the fixer-upper things that need to be done. Do the best you can, and remember that a spotlessly clean house that smells good is appealing - even if it needs a bit of work. One trick I learned when I sold my last house was to put a small bowl of vanilla extract in the microwave. The aroma permeated the house with an inviting, homey smell.
Also, I placed fresh flower arrangements in strategic areas. I left my DirectTV on a soft-music station, so there was pleasant background music throughout the house. Do you have a CD player with multiple CD's? It would be a good thing to have soft music playing if a realtor brings potential buyers through to inspect the house.
Highlight the good points and play down the bad. It CAN be done. I sold my house in five hours - and there was a bidding war between two potential buyers. All I focused on was aroma and cleaniliness.
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Thanks for the tips prodigal! I think I will get someone in to clean up the garden when I'm closer to selling. I have a friend who will let me borrow her Vax to shampoo all the carpets and sofas. And having 4 cats means I'll be buying plenty of plug in air fresheners!
I don't have anyone else who can help out - I've become more and more isolated over the years. My AH is a control freak and I've allowed myself to become cut off. I'm breaking this though, slowly but surely!!
Right now I'm painting and tiling my new dream kitchen that I planned for and bought when I still believed things could work out. Nevermind, it'll be a good selling point! I'm just tired and bitching. I've taken this week off work and all I've done is paint and tile and tomorrow I'm laying flooring. All the while my AH is bitching about having to feed the cats when he gets up for work in the morning. Ah the joys...
I'm hoping to have all the work in the house done by the end of August. Wish me luck...
I don't have anyone else who can help out - I've become more and more isolated over the years. My AH is a control freak and I've allowed myself to become cut off. I'm breaking this though, slowly but surely!!
Right now I'm painting and tiling my new dream kitchen that I planned for and bought when I still believed things could work out. Nevermind, it'll be a good selling point! I'm just tired and bitching. I've taken this week off work and all I've done is paint and tile and tomorrow I'm laying flooring. All the while my AH is bitching about having to feed the cats when he gets up for work in the morning. Ah the joys...
I'm hoping to have all the work in the house done by the end of August. Wish me luck...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Good luck, sweetie. It's tough handling it all on your own, but when it's all done, you will feel very accomplished, empowered, and relieved, and your ultimate goal will be achieved. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wouldn't it be nice if we had an emergency codie association like the Red Cross who could be summoned at a day's notice to come and help with house sales?? 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
The housing market is a bit static atthe moment but sale are still going through. Sell the lifestyle not the house. Clean, basic and don't leave anything to the buyer's imagination. If you have a box room which is just big enough to put a single bed in, borrow or buy a cheap single bed, stick a throw over in and sell it as a spare bedroom.
Good luck and remember life goes on. You will have another dream home and the experience of doing tjis one up.
Good luck and remember life goes on. You will have another dream home and the experience of doing tjis one up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by peaceteach
Wouldn't it be nice if we had an emergency codie association like the Red Cross who could be summoned at a day's notice to come and help with house sales??
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Book hang in there sweets- "This to shall pass" as I was reminded the other dayfrom a dear friend as I have been going through some issues myself.
Focus on the house and getting things together-overwhelming as I know it is in the long
run it will be done and over-Fresh start! There is a lot of great ideas above on how to get the house together-
As for him try to not feed into his wanting attention-and keep the focus on you and your home!
Good Luck and letting things out here really does help!
I'm going to post something that you should read as it really helped me with my
struggles this week-("In between")
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Thanks everyone! Lots of good advice. And if anyone wants to come and lend a hand I'm in the west coast of Scotland!! 
It would be easier if I didn't have to deal with the AH - who switched my 30 something husband for a sulky adolescent?? I'm worried about him though. I don't think I've given him enough attention after the 'suicide' incident and am wondering what's going to be next...
It would be easier if I didn't have to deal with the AH - who switched my 30 something husband for a sulky adolescent?? I'm worried about him though. I don't think I've given him enough attention after the 'suicide' incident and am wondering what's going to be next...
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