Hi- Just introducing myself

Old 07-22-2008, 10:34 AM
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chewdat's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Post Hi- Just introducing myself

Newbie to this forum but not to this dark world my sister lives in. I just found alanon attended my second meeting last night. My sister has been an alcoholic and substance abuser for 10+ years. She is finally at the breakpoint and is about to lose her family. My brother in-law is at his wits end with accusations of her now having an affair he is unsure what he wants to do and at the same time my mom and other sisters are wanting to get her the help that she needs. My mom is terrified of talking to her scared that my sister will become angry. My other sister and I think we should voice our concerns in a kind and loving way not showing fault at all but letting her know that we are here to help her, if she wants help. Sorry if this is all over the place I am just typing as thoughts come out.

The other night I followed her from work (i felt sick to my stomach) but I felt like I had to. I wanted to know if she is seeing someone else I wanted to know where she was going was it to a hotel was she going to a bar???????? When she walked out of work I was on the phone with a good friend of mine and for a moment it looked like my sister had seen me (although I was 4 blocks away) she looked suspicious as if she was expecting someone to be following her. I got to the 2nd light and lost her. I decided then to just keep going her route home in hopes that is where she would be going. 5 o'clock is good if you are following someone I caught up to her and proceeded to follow her all the way home. I stayed 3 blocks away just to make sure that she was not expecting company (as my brother in-law works late and my nephew was with my mom) no one showed up and she didn’t leave so I went home.

Did I really do that? Is that what this all has come to me following her making sure she’s not going to a hotel to get high and drunk with some male companion. I later found out that she thinks she is being followed by the man's ex that she is apparently suppose to be seeing although she has told my brother in-law that is not true. Another thing I have learned about my sister she is a compulsive liar.

My mom’s worrying to the point of not sleeping at night my life has now become consumed with alcoholism literature, alanon meetings and constantly keeping in contact with my sister.

Thursday I went to my sister house unannounced. My husband and mom thought I should call and give some notice that I was coming over and I disagreed. It was 8:30 and I stopped by knocked on the door my beautiful and amazing 4yr old nephew shouted to the house Aunt L’s here. My sister came to the door and the moment she opened the door I knew she was drunk and high. She was surprised that I was there I said I was in the neighborhood and thought I would stop by. I asked where “D” (my brother in-law) was and she said in bed. See my sister and brother in-law don’t sleep in the same room anymore and have not for over a year. There is no communication in their household. My brother in-law literally hides in his office, which is now his sleeping quarters. He came out of the room and said Hi, I told him my car was making a weird noise (he didn’t believe me as I drive an 07’ infinite) but he played along and came outside with me. We talked alittle bit and he went back inside I told him that we are all concerned with her drinking and was hoping that we as a family could talk to her he said that his issues with her are more than her drinking and that he wasn’t sure if he could do that. While outside I looked back towards the house and there my sister was in the kitchen downing a tall boy she was drinking it like a glass of water. My sister drives like she drinks how fast can she get from here to there and how fast can she get that buzz.

Thank you for letting me share.
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Old 07-22-2008, 10:39 AM
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CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,164
Welcome to SR Chew! Glad that you found us

So sorry what you are going through....

Al-Anon is a great choice and do I hope that you continue with it.

Please also check out the stickies at the top of this forum as there is a wealth
of information! There is a lot of support here-

I have been dealing with Alcoholism in my family with Parents, siblings since I was age 5
and it is a horrible disease....

Please take care of you as you will learn from others here and Al-Anon just how
caring for ourselves and letting them care for themselves will bring so much more
peace to you. I know it does not seem that way right now but it will get better little
by little. When we take the focus off them and stop wondering what they are doing
and place it on us and worry about what we should be doing for ourselves...things
become better

Keep posting!
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:10 AM
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Recovering Codependant
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome Chewdat,

Well you are carrying the weight of a lot of people's emotions aren't you? Your parents, your sister's, you BIL (brother in law). I think you are feeling the effects of all this caretaking!

As for your AS (alcoholic sister), there is nothing anyone can do, she has to reach her bottom on her own, she has to want to stop. Remember the 3 C's

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You can replace the 'You' in all those sentences with your family and your BIL too. It has to come from her.

That said, you can all begin to heal yourselves. As caring family members/loved ones of an A, we tend to try to 'help' as best we can, problem solve etc etc for the A in our lives, but this does no good, as we unknowingly enable them to continue drinking, and prevent them from feeling the consequences of their actions. All the time spent caring for them, worrying, stressing, it makes us ill, in different ways.

I suggest reading 'Codependant No More' by Melody Beattie. The book is for those loved ones. Alcoholism is a family disease - just look at how your parents are sleepless, your BIL is depressed and isolating himself, heaven knows what the effect of all this is having on that beautiful little boy who is only 4! Time will tell.

You have made a big step for you and your faamily coming and posting here. Perhaps they would benefit from sharing here too? Time to start healing yourselves.

I hope you keep posting, read the stickies at the top of the forums, and get to know us all better. There is alot of experience here that may help YOU.

Love and serenity
lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 07-22-2008, 02:38 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
You poor girl. I feel for you and your family. Only your sister can make this better. Please don't stress yourself out by following her around. It will get you no where. I feel bad for her husband and child.

Talk to her with your family with or without her husband as he is not sure what he wants to do. Maybe she will listen and get the helps she needs to start a recovery.
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Old 07-22-2008, 03:41 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Hi Chewdat, I'm new too! I have a feeling this place is going to be an amazing source of support.

I second Lilyflower's suggestion of reading "Codependent No more". I am almost finished reading it, and it has been incredibly eye-opening. At this point in the game, you, as I do, need to start taking care of yourself. This book has an incredibly helpful, hopeful tone and will teach you how to do just that.
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