Son (11) now knows
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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The main consideration should be what's best for the children. Not what's best for the father, or the mother. What's best for the children?
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Last edited by LaTeeDa; 07-22-2008 at 04:59 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Usually the custodial parent cannot move out of state without either the consent of the non-custodial parent or the judge's okay.
FWIW, I can't imagine any judge "okaying" it in your situation--documented alcoholism or not, your AH is holding an excellent job and his drinking, while dysfunctional for sure, is not obvious to anyone but you.
Your best bet is to convince your AH that the move is best for everyone. That or accepting the fact that your kids deserve their (imperfect) relationship with their father and making the best of it.
My XAH actually moved away from us. In a way, it is easier for me (since I get to control my children's environment more), but the reality is that it has been heartbreaking for my kids. He sees them less than once a month, gets to be the good-time dad and thinks he's a great father. I see the parenting role differently than he does, and wish they had a real father who actually participated in raising them, but so be it.
I really do understand your desire, but you may have to face the realities here also, unpleasant as they may be.
FWIW, I can't imagine any judge "okaying" it in your situation--documented alcoholism or not, your AH is holding an excellent job and his drinking, while dysfunctional for sure, is not obvious to anyone but you.
Your best bet is to convince your AH that the move is best for everyone. That or accepting the fact that your kids deserve their (imperfect) relationship with their father and making the best of it.
My XAH actually moved away from us. In a way, it is easier for me (since I get to control my children's environment more), but the reality is that it has been heartbreaking for my kids. He sees them less than once a month, gets to be the good-time dad and thinks he's a great father. I see the parenting role differently than he does, and wish they had a real father who actually participated in raising them, but so be it.
I really do understand your desire, but you may have to face the realities here also, unpleasant as they may be.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
I agree with you. You need to be somewhere where you have support and family and loving people around you. If he does not fight as you think he won't because he wants better for the children. I say go for it and move close to people who love you and want to be there for you.
It may be hard if things to get legal, but you won't know unless you try and if you truly want this and the kids are ok with being away from their father then do it for the well being of you and your children.
It may be hard if things to get legal, but you won't know unless you try and if you truly want this and the kids are ok with being away from their father then do it for the well being of you and your children.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
The standard applied in ALL custody and adoption cases is the best interest of the child standard that LTD is talking about.
Trying to get into a judge's head is a dangerous game. A judge will likely say "ok, so he is an alcoholic, but does that mean I will let this woman take her kids across the country, making it very difficult to see them?" The next question will likely be "will the children benefit from limited contact with their father?" You say you won't "deny visitation," which, by the way isn't really up to you, but someone will have to fly across the country to either pick up the kids for visits or visit in your home state. Talk to a lawyer and ask them for the history on these cases. You will likely be very surprised.
I can tell you my sister was married to a raging alcoholic who passed out with a cigarette in his hand and set the house on fire. My 3 year old niece woke him up and he got out with 2 of the kids. The baby was stuck in the crib. Thank God a passerby broke through a window and got him out. The firefighters thought he had about 30 seconds left before the flames hit the crib. My now deceased brother in law got visitation every other weekend and on Wednesdays up until the day he died because the judge thought the children would have a better life with their father consistently in it.
As for me and my sisters...my mom had no family left in Chicago. She wanted to move us to Arizona. Thousands of dollars later in legal bills, she got what she wanted BUT he (my raging alcoholic, never stopped drinking, gallon of rum every 2-3 days drunk father) got us for the ENTIRE summer...3 months...every year...without fail. AND that was because my mom had additional information to hang over his head. For the time (30 years ago) the information was a much bigger deal than it would be today.
Trying to get into a judge's head is a dangerous game. A judge will likely say "ok, so he is an alcoholic, but does that mean I will let this woman take her kids across the country, making it very difficult to see them?" The next question will likely be "will the children benefit from limited contact with their father?" You say you won't "deny visitation," which, by the way isn't really up to you, but someone will have to fly across the country to either pick up the kids for visits or visit in your home state. Talk to a lawyer and ask them for the history on these cases. You will likely be very surprised.
I can tell you my sister was married to a raging alcoholic who passed out with a cigarette in his hand and set the house on fire. My 3 year old niece woke him up and he got out with 2 of the kids. The baby was stuck in the crib. Thank God a passerby broke through a window and got him out. The firefighters thought he had about 30 seconds left before the flames hit the crib. My now deceased brother in law got visitation every other weekend and on Wednesdays up until the day he died because the judge thought the children would have a better life with their father consistently in it.
As for me and my sisters...my mom had no family left in Chicago. She wanted to move us to Arizona. Thousands of dollars later in legal bills, she got what she wanted BUT he (my raging alcoholic, never stopped drinking, gallon of rum every 2-3 days drunk father) got us for the ENTIRE summer...3 months...every year...without fail. AND that was because my mom had additional information to hang over his head. For the time (30 years ago) the information was a much bigger deal than it would be today.
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respektingme, perhaps you should consider what nyc_chick has posted. Not only is she a member of the legal profession, but she is the adult child of an alcoholic. I realize you want to protect you children. However, depending on the judge who hears your case, if it comes to that ... well, it may not end up as you planned.
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