Cathy31

If you hook up with an alcoholic does it have to be because you are desperate/co-dependent etc etc?

I am in love & involved with an alcoholic - in AA, still struggling (i.e. has not fully surrendered, keeps slippin, but keeps trying which for me is what makes the difference...if fully immersed in alcoholism & denial I would leave obviously
- lol I hope!!)

I have not been romantically involved with anyone (apart from one 'obsession' at 6 months, whom I continued to be in love with for a long time) for 2.5+ years (about the same time as my sobriety)

This guy that I am in love with and in a relationship with has the most amazing soul, is beautiful, sensitive, kind, incredibly funny, loving, great in bed etc The one flaw is his alcoholism...to which there is a solution...(I know)

I feel good about it on so many levels...I feel that we are both helping one another in recoveryh - for me, to see this disease up close - when he gets the obsession to have the next drink is v powerful and I do think my example helps him...

Am I missing something here? I only seem to hear about negative experiences being with alcoholics...am I missing something!?

I am going to Al-Anon this week I know there's a lot to learn but how can someone so precious be 'bad' for me - I don't want to 'fix' him I look forward to the day that he can be fully in recovery, but I do help where I can...as you do with people you love? Or what?

Would be extremely interested in any thoughts on this...

Thanks!

Cathy31
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CatsPajamas

Hi Cathy,

I don't think it necessarily makes you a co dependent. I think it makes you a kind and loving person. Since you already have some experience with the disease of alcoholism, you know what you're facing.

Do you want to fix or rescue him? Is your happiness tied to his actions or his sobriety? Do you feel like you can love him more than he's been loved before? Those are some of the codependent traits to look out for...

Going to Al Anon is always a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. I hope you find a great group of supportive and loving people.

Cathy31

Those are great questions thank you!

you know what you're facing.

Do you want to fix or rescue him?
No, 'I' don't want to - actually I know I can't fix him/rescue him...possibly the latter cause I do do that (as my ex h did for me) I believe only AA and his higher power can save him - I want to be able to show him there is a way out. I accept he must take that path or not - although yes it does make me feel anxious and nauseous and sad when he drinks becuase I know how dangerous it is...



? Is your happiness tied to his actions or his sobriety?
I feel happier when he is sober, but have been practicing doing my own thing when he chooses to drink - it does make me anxious though...I am v happy when he's working the programme but I'm also happy (albeit bit uneasy, I know i must work on that) when I know he's drinking/in danger but I am with others I love, doing somethign meaningful on my own.

Do you feel like you can love him more than he's been loved before?
definitely not, I know that recovery from alcoholism has nothing to do IMHO with how much people do or do not love you. I think I can understand certain aspects of him better as a fellow alcoholic but no I just love him - not more or less than anyone in the past.

Those are some of the codependent traits to look out for...

Exztremely helpful thanks so much!!!

Going to Al Anon is always a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. I hope you find a great group of supportive and loving people.Thanks again Cats I will let you all know!

cathy31
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