what do you think...Long, sorry

Old 07-19-2008, 08:06 PM
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what do you think...Long, sorry

Hey all, I need a little input from you guys.
My story is this, married to A, that I just left...
Most of his family are "on my side" but they wont do anything about it.
His parents now hate me, and threw me out because clearly it's my fault that he is the way he is, all though he was alcoholic when I met him... WTF was I thinking... Anyway I have written this letter that I wish to send to his sisters and nieces, they know but not everything. I wont send it to him or his parents.
I have x'ed out the names and If I send it I plan on instead of sending them the links here I will just copy what was written there.

So what do you think?
Should I send or or just say to H.ell with it and let it be.

Thanks for your time!

Hi everyone...

I just want to write you all this email. It's going to be long cause there is a lot of information here.

I know some of you probably think that I'm an ass and that I have done everything wrong, but I wanted to tell you my side of the story.

I have tried everything for xxxx and I have struggled and I have been a complete mess and at a total loss.
I could have taken the easy way out and left right from the beginning, but I was in Love and you do everything for the one you love.
He will still have a very special place in my heart, and he is/can be a very special person only the alcohol and drugs got the better of him.
And I cannot let my life go to waste as he will not accept he has a problem.
If you confront him on it the only thing that will come out of his mouth is what ever... He might yell and say if you only knew... and then there would be different "only knew" problems each time. But most of the time its just what ever...

I did NOT hide his pills. He had an empty pill bottle in HIS backpack, which I gave to xxx.
I then found another almost empty bottle in his sock drawer that I called her about, but again she choose to believe him and he said he didn't take those.
How come in a period of 15 days there was only 6 pills left and it was 30 originally if he didn't take them?
And there was another bottle on top if his dresser that was not empty.
And he was saying that I had taken the pills away from him and he couldn't find them and thats why he had a seizure. This is simply NOT true.

And I'm begging you to do something for him and not just sit back and let it happen... He needs to get into rehab 24/7 and relearn how to live a normal life.
xxxx didn't believe it was such a big deal and xxxx idea of helping him was "son you need to watch your drinking" And that would be the end of it.
I left in a hurry, because I was no longer welcome in the house anymore.

I am really worried about him, and I hope that me leaving would wake him up and hit rock bottom... BUT Txxx and xxxx believes in him completely and they are enabling him.
And before xxx went to the hospital she said they would now give him the help he needs, which has now turned to he is a grown man and can drink if he wants to...

The problem is that it is not 1 or 2 beers a night, it's at least 6-12 a night which defines and alcoholic, if it's a special occasion it will be more than that, and then add the prescription drugs into the equation...
If he drinks ONLY beer most of the time you really can't tell if he's drunk, if he does it over the whole night.
And they may say oh well it's only beer... Yes it is "only" beer, BUT he'll drink the beer, go into the house do what ever and then come out take a few pills, and they hit him right away, he would barely be able to walk to the bed and he would pass out within seconds. But because they didn't see this I was clearly the one making up stories. They are helping him to slowly kill himself by ignoring and refusing to see the facts instead of the reality.
And the root to his problem probably lies with the war and what he had to do there and had to go through, that's not an excuse that's a cause.

I have been given promises after promises, and I have been lied to over and over again.
I have been worried sick to death so many times cause he would drink heavily and then drive home. He could have not only killed himself but others too.
But no pleas and begging ever worked.
I have been left at places when he was suppose to pick me up, only for him to show up hours later drunk.

xxxx joined the National Guard and was quickly transfered to a unit that he seemed to like really well I was really happy for him.
He was away from home and I was taking care of things at home.
He didn't want to tell anyone about it, so I didn't which was probably not right looking back.
He had a really good thing going for him, and he was with a special forces unit and he was going to go to airborne school and get his rigging certificate. Things where looking really good.
The unit was getting deployed but he wasn't allowed to go since he had classes to do before, so the day before he was going to airborne school he failed his physical, he's knee didn't hold up.
The the Army was going to fix this for him.
He did get screwed around a lot with that whole ordeal... So instead of dealing with it he got out, but before he did so he went and bough fake certificates for airborne school, sniper, school, rigging, school, sear school and I think it was something else. He even had a fake DD240 made up... However the army caught on to him and found out, so he was now facing court marshall and a possible dis honorable discharge. He did get out of this though because he wrote his commander that he only did this to please his father who had terminal cancer and his dying last wish was to see his son graduate from airborne school.
It was while in the army that he started doing the prescription drugs, and I tried and pleaded with him, but with no luck.
Maybe if you read up on Xanax you can see how dangerous this drug is.
He was buying the strongest available online the 2mg and these are only allowed to be used for severe cases of anxiety and panic attacks and under strict supervision of a doctor.
Well if you are you under supervision you are suppose to take one a day, he was taking up to 5 a day...
I finally had enough and took the pills away from him and I would administer them to him. Only to find out he had bought more..
And this is when he had to be rushed to the hospital...
He flew over the living room table, and had one seizure at home he was cramping, foaming around his mouth and going completely ballistic... Before the ambulance showed up he had come out of it, but he had no idea what year it was, what had happened or anything. So the Ambulance takes him away and I follow in my car.
Once at the hospital he had 2 more seizures, and this is not a pretty sight and it could have just as well killed him.
Here is some info on the type of pills he's taking and the fact that he doesn't take them as prescribed is only making it worse.

What Are Barbiturates?

More than 2,500 varieties of barbiturates exist. Doctors prescribe barbiturates to treat anxiety, agitation, and insomnia, and give them to patients before surgery to make them drowsy. Some barbiturates help control medical conditions such as high blood pressure, epilepsy, and ulcers. However, barbiturates are also sold in the illegal drug market with street names like "downers" and "goof balls." People under the influence of barbiturates behave as if they are drunk on alcohol. They lose their inhibitions and show marked changes in their behavior. In many individuals, side effects include nausea, nervousness, rash, and diarrhea. People on barbiturates may have difficulty thinking and making decisions; they may be emotionally unstable, lack coordination, be disoriented, and have slurred speech.

Is It Dangerous To Mix Depressants With Other Drugs?

Drug abuse is a vicious cycle. Users often take drugs to counter the effect of other drugs they are taking. But, taken in combination with alcohol or other drugs, depressants can kill. Because of their anti-depressant effects, cocaine users take depressants to reduce the depression at the end of a binge. Drug users commonly are cross-addicted. Alcoholics use depressants to reduce the withdrawal from alcohol. Alcoholics also use depressants to become intoxicated, without the associated odor of alcohol. Mixing depressants and alcohol can depress the respiratory and cardiovascular systems, often with deadly consequences. Because knowledge of this dangerous drug interaction is common, many people attempt suicide by taking high doses of depressants with alcohol.

You have all seen this behavior on him. But what you haven't seen is that it is every day...
If you have the chance to watch Intervention on A&E that might be helpful.

Here is a good link to read about alcoholism and different ways of enabling the person
I had a link here to "ways to enable", but it wont allow me to post that here...

And this link pretty much describes the situation that I have been in
This was a link to "I loved him"

I don't know what I want with this email...
I just wanted to let you all know what I have been dealing with and my side of the story..
If you made it all the way down here: Thank you!
If you have any questions, please contact me. I will be available on email from time to time.

Take care all!

Last edited by Berry76; 07-19-2008 at 08:12 PM. Reason: missed to x out a cuple of names
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Old 07-19-2008, 08:31 PM
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Just my opinion, but I have the feeling his entire family knows what has been going on. They just behave as if they're in the dark. If you don't send the email to your AH's parents, they'll get it from one of the recipients.

From my own personal experience, I have discovered that a family closes ranks and goes into denial overdrive when anyone tries to come in and upset the balance of their system - even their extremely dysfunctional system. My AH went on a three-week bender last October. He was hospitalized three times. I honestly thought he was going to die that time 'round. So I called his two brothers and his sister. I thought they should know how bad their brother was in case he died during that time. I didn't want to blindside them with, "Your brother just dropped dead." I believed I was preparing them for the worst.

My former counselor, whose speciality is addictions counseling, called my AH's oldest brother who is a psychologist who works with addicted kids. Outcome: AH's two oldest brothers made one phone call a piece to express their "concern" for their younger brother. My sister-in-law just stuck her head in the sand, and after that it was not their problem any longer.

The results are my AH is still a drunk; his family knows he's a drunk and minds their own business, and as far as I'm concerned .... well, what they think of me is none of my business.

They'll think what they want to regardless of what I say to them.

You want them to hear your side of the story. Do you think it will make your AH get sober? Do you think they can make him get sober? The reality is, that only the addict can make the decision to get sober. Sad and tragic, but true.
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Old 07-19-2008, 08:45 PM
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Thank you for the insight...
I know in my mind that it probably wouldn't do any good sending it... But you know you always have hopes, and I really do want him to get help.

But as you say, it's easier to look the other way and not do anything about it.

I'll keep it in my drafts for now, but it did feel good writing it though
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:29 AM
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I agree, for the parents to through you out of the house - that just goes to show how deep their denial is. It seems they really do not want to deal with this - because then it becomes a REAL problem.

I think it is great you wrote the letter - you were able to write out your feelings and this is therapuetic and it helps you.

I do not belive your letter will make a difference to these people. You do not have to prove anything to them - you are all adults.

If it makes you feel better and gives you hope send the letter to them, but I have a feeling they do truly know your side of the story and know what you are going through they just don't want to get involved.

It is so much easier to turn the other way and do nothing.

For a long time I dealth with my mother in law not being involved because she knew I was always there to pick up the pieces and "Keep him alive" - she always assumed that if I was around nothing terminal would happen to him. At that time my job was to try and keep my husband alive rather then be a wife.

Yes it is fantastic to have the support of your inlaws and his friends and family, but that is not always the case.

For 3 years my AH sister did not speak to me becuase she thought I was a horrible wife that would not allow her brother to have his own life....only now after recently things were so bad with his addiction did she apologize and let me back into her life and has actually been a huge help to me in dealing with the issues of his addiction.

It is so hard and complex to understand why people react the way they do. I say this is your son, your brother - don't you want to help? But ultimately the addict is the only one that can help himself. It is great to have the support from friends and family, but it just does not always happen.

Keep your chin up. take care of your self and don't worry or stress out to much about his family. they are not going to help you....only you can help you.
Please keep us posted on what happens.
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:49 AM
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I would not send the letter but that is me.

Examine your motives for wanting to send this. Is it to help him or is it to defend yourself? What do you think you will accomplish be sending it? You seem to acknowledge it won't help him or so why send it? Do you really need to defend your actions? Do you have some hope of "them" turning to your "side" in all this? What would that mean? Is it likely?

Writing stuff like this can be very theraputic when done with no expectation it will ever be seen aby another human being. It lets you explore your feelings and thoughts.
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Old 07-24-2008, 06:54 PM
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Haven't been on here for a few days... But thanks for your input.
The email is still in my draft box, and I think it will stay there.
It is as you say therapeutic to write it even if they wont see it.

I have now moved down to friends 2 states away for now.
And I will be moving home to my country as soon as all my paperwork is done.

Anyways thanks for "listening"
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Old 07-24-2008, 07:13 PM
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I might look up and print out some info on the xanax.
Booze and xanax are deadly. But going cold turkey off xanax is deadly too.
It must be tapered and he would probably have to go inpatient.
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Old 07-25-2008, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
I might look up and print out some info on the xanax.
Booze and xanax are deadly. But going cold turkey off xanax is deadly too.
It must be tapered and he would probably have to go inpatient.
Yes, I have been studying up on it myself.. And he has ended up in the hospital twice because of this, and he still don't think he needs help. He is truly lucky to even be alive..
But unfortunately there is nothing I can do at this point. And that's why it's so frustrating, to just sit back and watch someone kill them self this way, and to top it of having his family enabling him.
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