Another newbie desparate for support
 

Hi.

I haven't had a chance to really read the site, but from what I did manage to check out, I have hope that I can find support here.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was sober for almost five years, then started again. Little by little with endless promises that it wouldn't escalate. But of course it has.

He has been drunk for three days now. That means I can expect at least two more. Then about two days of sobriety and promises that he will try to change. He KNOWS he has a problem. He ADMITS is. He says that he wants to change, but feels powerless to do so.

I get that. I know that alcoholism is a disease and that he can not control it. I understand that, or at least I try to.

But meanwhile he is drinking away all of out money, he hasn't worked in years, I am the sole breadwinner and everything I work my butt off to earn he drinks away, and on top of that he is emotionally abusive.

And we have a three old child who already often says "papa is always drinking to much and screaming at me." And that breaks my heart.

I have looked into alanon and would love to attend meetings, but there is nothing in our area that offers childcare and obviously I can't trust my husband to take care of our child while I go to meetings. I would NEVER leave her alone with him. So that's out. And I have no close friends or family in the area, so I have no support in real life for this.


I am really at the end of my rope. I just can't take this anymore. And please don't tell me to leave him--I do think about that all of the time, but really have no where to go (and the apartment is in mine). I would love for him to leave, but he won't. I have asked him to leave. When he is drunk he just yells at me and tells me how horrible I am, and when he's soberhe apologizes and tells me how much he wants to change. But he never leaves.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to find support.

If you made it all the way through this post, thank you.

Hi MRF, I'm sorry for the pain you are in and for the reason you are seeking help. Your situation sounds awful and for that I am sending you :ghug3

More people will be along soon, but until then I want you to know it is a wonderful step that you decided to seek help here. There are a lot of kind, loving, and wise people that frequent this site, and some of them have walked in your shoes. You are no longer alone.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and tonight you have started to make a change for the better. I hope you keep reading (the stickies at the top of the page are a great place to start) and posting. We are here for you.

Hi and Welcome!

I'm sorry you are going through so much. You have found a great place here!

The only suggestion I have is that if it is your apartment, you can get him out...even if he doesn't want to leave. I would also look into financially separating things so he can't drink the money away. There are others here that will likely have great advice. In the meantime, read the stickies at the top of the forum. It sounds like you are aware of a lot of how this goes, so you are off to a great start!

Thank you so much for your replies! It really brings tears to my eyes to see such support....I've really needed to talk about this for so long, but never had anyone that I coud open up to....Your words bring great comfort....

MRF,

Welcome. This is a great place. Has your husband ever been to rehab?

You are in my thoughts.

Love to you,

Lenina

Welcome

Please keep reading ...especially the sticky posts above. There is a wealth of knowledge here that you won't find anywhere else. So many of us have been where you are and understand what you are going through.


Unfortunately, finances and other problems can make separating from the insanity of alcoholism a real challenge .. but keep checking out different possibilities. My AH refused to leave many times, but he finally left when I convinced him that the toxic environment was so very harmful to our kids - and that I would no longer tolerate his bizarre behavior in our home.


You said "I know that alcoholism is a disease and that he can not control it" ... the truth is that HE is the ONLY one that can control his drinking. It may be difficult, but it is ultimately up to him to change his life. All we can do it to try to protect ourselves as much as we can from letting this disease consume our lives as well. Keep reading and coming back.

hi MRF,

first off, we all love you. we all have felt what u r going through. many of us still feel it on a daily basis.

se if there are support groups hosted by rehab centers in your area. thee groups are wonderful. you will hear stories from other loved ones and the rehab counselor will help u 2 understand better somethng that has no logic.

i am very sad but the reality is despite all the love in the world, u canot control the addict. even though he is your husband, the alcohol is taking away that person. you need to protect you and your child financially and legally. actually u will also protect your husband since if you gain control of finances he will be unable to p*i*s*s* away money that could help him also in the future.

have u considered an intervention? us the threat of leaving him only as a bottom line if he refuses rehab.

document his alcoholism well, ie; photos, video, etc etc, atm purchases just in case you need legal ammunition to have him removed from your apartment. his drinking does indeed pose a threat to you and your child. my situation is quite similar to yours except it is the wife that loves alcohol and also a young child involved.

Hi MRF,

One of the first things I found on this site that helped me hugely was the 3 C's -
I can't Control it
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it (if I've got them in the wrong order, I apologise!).

Your AH is the only one who can control his own behaviour. Nothing you do or say will stop him from drinking, only he can do that and only when he is good and ready. In the meantime, you have to switch your focus onto you and your child. Read through the stickies at the top of the forum. When I read them for the first time they made me realise that I wasn't alone! Some of it does make for difficult reading - I cried my eyes out!

I'd also recommend 'Co Dependant No More' by Melodie Beattie. It has changed me and how I look at my relationships in what I hope will be a lasting way - I can't recommend it highly enough.

As alcoholism is a disease, just like any other, I would expect someone who has a it to seek out appropriate treatment for it! For me, I try and think - if it was diabeties (for example), would the same excuses/rationalisations work? Reading 'Under the Influence' helped me understand the disease and its progression - its very scary!!!

Anyway, I think I've said more than enough. Welcome!! Stick around and you'll hear from much wiser heads than me! :hug:

:Val004: sending you a big hug for never leaving your baby alone with him!!! You are not alone and hear you will find there are a lot of people going through the same exact thing as you - it is like we all have the same lives. All you can do is try to be better to yourself and your child. I am learning about boundries - you will find a thread on them here on the site. They really help.

Since you are not able to leave, there is not much you can do for your AH until he decides to work a recovery program or go to rehab. This is a bad relapse for you. But you can have hope since he was able to stay sober for 5 years. If he is willing to put the work in he may be able to do it again.

Can I ask why he was not working all the years he was sober? Why was all the financial pressure put on you? He needs to do his part as well.

But until he choses to the only thing you can do is protect yourself and your daughter.

MY AH is the same way...nice as could be when sober then tells me all kinds of disgusting things about me when he is drunk. It is crazy - but you are not alone.

We have to just find ways to slowly distance ourselves. If would be great if you could find someone to watch the baby while you attend alanon. i was not a beliver in it, but have since changed my mind. I am not sure if they have family meetings where you are able to bring the baby, although i am not sure if you want her there, but if you are saying the baby already knows what is going on - it may not be a bad idea.

Just know that you are not alone in this daily struggle. Just take small steps to make YOUR life better and make YOU better and make the BABY better. Your AH is the only one that can help himself. He has to make the choice.

It is hard to live with, but you can live a happy life still if you do it for yourself. Don't let your world revolve around him and his drinking. I did that for such a long time and refuse to do it a day longer. My moods will no longer depend on wheather he is drunk or sober. I am going to be in a good mood and be positive for me....NOT FOR HIM.

I hope this helps. I am still kind of new around here so still learning as I go along.

You have friends here.

Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

Feel free to email me at any time.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words.

He is sober today. Well, more or less. I think this bender is over, although I know in a few day it will all start over again.

I just don't know how to help him. And he does want help. I know that he is suffering, too.

He wants treatment, or some kind of help, but we don't really know where to find it.

He got treatment in his home country about five years ago and that's what kept him sober all that time. But of course after several years of sobriety he thought he was OK and that he could handle a few drinks without it letting get out of control. But of course he couldn't. He knows that now.

We have been in the US for a little over two years. We don't have much money, and he speaks very little English, so I don't know how we could find a rehab or treatment center that could help him. We have talked about AA and he is open to it, but again there is the language problem and he is worried that he wouldn't be able to understand anything there anyway.

I do believe he wants to change. I really do. But I don't know how to help him find the help that he needs.

What is your AH's native language? Perhaps you should call the local A.A. chapter to find out if there are any members who speak the same language. If you could find even one A who can communicate with your husband, it might help get him back into sobriety.

His native language is Russian. Thank you for your advice about contacting the local chapter and asking them about it. I will give that a try.

Anyway, I was overly optimistic about him sobering up today. He is drunk again. He was starting to dry out when his mother called with some really bad news about his father. So he fell into despair and out came the bottle of course.

When will this nightmare end......

And I want to be supportive. His father is really in a bad situation and he's a great guy--I am very worried for him, too. But that sympathy and concern for his father is overshadowed by my anxiety over his drinking, so I'm finding it hard to be a strong shoulder for him which he probably really needs right now. All I want to do is shake him and tell him to stop this. And yet I know that he can't....

Why is this the response newcomers on this forum fear most? Because even though this makes the most sense in your situation, it would require action on your part.

What you're seeking is action on his part so you can avoid taking action yourself. He's telling you daily by his actions that he's not willing to change.

Your partner hasn't worked in years, he's a raging alcoholic, he's emotionally abusive to you, he's setting a terrible example for your child, and the apartment is in your name.

So he refuses to leave. You still have options. In my state, all it takes to get an unwanted tenant out of your home is to send them a certified letter (return receipt required) telling him he has 30 days to vacate the property or you'll have him forcibly removed. Then send a copy to your local sheriff's office. When the 30-day period is up, call the sheriff's office, and they'll remove him.

My advice to you is to call your local sheriff's office or police department and inquire on what steps are required to legally remove a tenant in your state. If you can't find an Alanon meeting that has childcare, take your child with you. No one will complain. The important thing is that you seek help for yourself and your child.

I guess I still feel very torn over the leaving thing. On the one hand I KNOW our lives would be better without him at this point. But on the other, I do think he wants to change, but just doesn't know how (am I being naive?). And I keep thinking, alcoholism is a disease. He is sick. That is not his fault. So is it even fair to abandon him during this? If he had cancer, for example, things would be very tough too, but I wouldn't think of abandoning him during that battle. So why should alcoholism be so different. And yet something about it IS different. I know that too.

So as you can see, my own head still isn't thinking very clearly about this. I realize that that is just another part of the problem here.

FD, I think the biggest reason people don't want to hear, "Leave him!" is that it requires them to be the instigators of change. As codependents, we strive constantly to eliminate change in our lives, because in our experience change is always bad. As long as we work tirelessly to take all the responsibility to keep a household running, as long as we run in endless circles maintaining a level of sanity in our lives, as long as we stay alert to every problem and solve everything to avoid trouble, then nothing changes. When things change, we get scared and scramble to "put everything right" again. The worst thing we can do is make change happen ourselves.

No wonder we don't get out of our situations with the "change is bad" mantra playing constantly like a broken record in our brains! Until we fully believe that change is good, we're stuck. As long as we're stuck, we can complain and hope that other people will tell us what to do because, dammit, we can't do it ourselves! <sarcasm intended>

This is why attending Alanon is so important. It will help you begin to think more clearly and help you make healthier choices for you and your child.

The difference between alcoholism and cancer is that drinking is a choice, so that analogy doesn't fit in my opinion. Plus, that kind of thinking kept me in a terrible relationship for 25 years. It was my excuse for not seeking a better life for myself. And why didn't I seek a better life for myself long ago, you might ask? Because I didn't think I deserved it. Alanon and SR helped me see the light. Joining this forum is a great first step.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. But you have to be the one to turn on the switch.

Absolutely, Starflier. Change is uncomfortable because it deals with the unknown. Even though life with an alcoholic is terrible, at least I knew what to expect. Expecting all my days to be miserable was a terrible way to live. If I hadn't stepped into my discomfort zone and made some serious changes in my life, I'd still be living in misery today.

Change is a good thing.

For me, the difference is in how its treated. My AH does not take all the help he can get. He isn't in a program of recovery. He does not seem to want to stop - he says all the right things but it is actions that count and he has yet to demonstrate a willingness to stop. If he had cancer, he would be taking chemotherapy, radiotherapy etc etc and be committed to fighting this disease. With alcoholism, he just doesn't want to stop and will try and manipulate me to get what he wants. Now he says that at least he's 'doing' something by going out and drinking!!

I started here thinking that I would stay with my AH - he was saying all the right things about wanting to stop after all! So I tried detaching, not engaging in the alcoholic dance, not rising to the bait etc etc. And boy is he not happy. He tried everything to get me to mother him. All these months down the line I'm ready to go.

I hope that your AH is really committed to getting sober. I do hope you both grow together during each of your recoveries. In the meantime, you have to put the focus on what you and your children need. Your AH is a big boy now and can fend for himself, your kids can't.

Take care. :ghug3

isn't it interesting in that the situation we make in order to live with an alcoholic essentially creates and keeps us in our separate life, boundaries apart from the addict.
it is really a survival attempt to live in an unsurvivable(sanely) situation.
I would honestly try an intervention and only use the reality of leaving him as part of the bottom line.
Again, that is what I would do, but you r not me. As long as you remain as "the enabler", the alcoholic has little or no reason to change.

This is a very common trait among codependents. They are surviving in a living hell-on-earth in which they claim to be miserable beyond endurance.

Yet they continue to live in the situation and endure it.

If you truly cannot take living like this anymore, you will do something about it. As FD said, you can have your AH evicted.

I'm sorry you are going through the pain of living with an A who shows no signs of putting down the bottle. We have all been there at one time or another. You will do something when you are ready to. Until then, nothing changes if nothing changes.