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Another newbie desparate for support

Old 07-20-2008, 06:05 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't know if I read it here or saw it on dr. phil or something like that, but it did stick with me....alcoholism is not a diesase but an addiction. A diesase is cancer or polio etc. An addiction is doing things in access that can change your life for the worst, such as over eating, gambling etc. addictions can turn very detromental to your health so over time it can cause diesase and severe illness's and even death. Drinking starts off as a choice....

Last edited by freeflower; 07-20-2008 at 06:07 PM. Reason: poor english..
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Old 07-20-2008, 07:59 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi MRF,

The decision to stay or go is a very personal one, different for each of us, dependent on MANY factors. The most anyone can really do is to share their own experiences... ultimately only you can make the decision that's right / best for you.

I know in my situation, when I started learning about recovery - my own recovery - my life started to change for the better. I learned about setting boundaries, and I learned about what is and is not my problem to handle. Many of my friends in Al Anon are still married to active alcoholics. My friends are living their lives one day at a time, working their own programs of recovery. The family situation CAN improve when just one person makes a small, positive change.

You might want to call the local Al Anon number and ask about options for going to meetings. Perhaps you could go to open AA meetings if they offer child care. There is a lot of recovery in those rooms too.

If there's a Half Priced book store around, you can often find some of the Al Anon books that might be of interest to you. I learned a lot from one called The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

HUGS
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Old 07-21-2008, 01:03 AM
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Originally Posted by freeflower View Post
I don't know if I read it here or saw it on dr. phil or something like that, but it did stick with me....alcoholism is not a diesase but an addiction.
The book Under the Influence, describes alcoholism as a disease - it explains how some people who abuse alcohol become alcoholics while others don't. It also goes into the physical changes that happen in the body of an alcoholic and why they can never have another drink again. It is linked to a missing enzyme in the liver (I think I remember that right). I know that the professionals working in the field are still debating this issue though!

More importantly though, does this make a difference in how you deal with an alcoholic partner? This information helped me get past my rage and reach a place of compassion for him. I'm still leaving though. If he had a different disease then there would be a different response appropriate to that disease. I compare his alcoholism to violent schizophernia - if refused treatment for that I would be gone too!! His abusive, manipulative and devious behaviour may be a symptom of his disease but he still has a measure of control over it and (now that I'm more aware of it) I don't have to tolerate it.

Just my tuppence worth!
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:33 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I compare his alcoholism to violent schizophernia - if refused treatment for that I would be gone too!!
The thing is, though, he's not refusing treatment. He WANTS treatment but doesn't know how to go about finding it here. I'm in the process of looking, too. I'm going to contact AA today and see if they have any advice on dealing with the language issue, or any resources in Russian for him. And I keep thinking, you know, we've been through this before, and he did get treatment as he promised, and he stayed sober for five years after that. I keep reminding myself of that. And I know he wants that, too. But will we find help in time, before his drinking destroys everything?

He's on his second day of sobriety now. I know that doesn't mean all that much, but I am trying to find some hope. Without hope, I have nothing.
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:41 AM
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Depending on where you live, they are probably all sorts of AA meetings and other services where translators are available.

Why is it you have to look for him? He can do it himself can he not? Are you aware that doing for him what he can do for himself is the very essence of enabling?
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:46 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post

Why is it you have to look for him?
He doesn't speak English. He has no way of searching here (for example, he can't read this site for support, he can't make phone calls to centers, he can't do Internet searches of local treatment options). Zero English (well, maybe about 10 words).

Depending on where you live, they are probably all sorts of AA meetings and other services where translators are available.

That would be WONDERFUL. I am defintely going to look into this today. Although we live in a fairly small town, so I'm not sure. I know they have Spanish meetings, though, so maybe?
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:49 AM
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I'm glad you're researching AA options. And I hope that he takes this opportunity, even if he's seizing on excuses ("I probably won't understand") to not go. That's common.

I encourage you -- strongly -- to set up your own bank account that he cannot access. This will take you fifteen minutes of life to do. This is to ensure that you have sufficient living expenses for you and your child, now and in the future. And make it so he is not able to touch that.

If & when that account has paid its bills (apartment, utilities, food) and you have put a little aside as a survival savings, then you're free to use what's left to continue to support his lifestyle; if HIS quality of life is so much more important than yours and your child's, that is your choice.

But you simply must protect yourself, MRF -- I know you have sympathy for him, and I'm passing no judgments about his willingness to seek help, but there is no excuse for letting an alcoholic drink away your income, when it is as easy as protecting the bare necessities from his disease.

In the substance abuse forum, there are stories of people who live with addicts, who continue to be surprised when the TV, DVD player, extra cash, jewelry, all end up pawned to buy more drugs. This is no different -- if money is readily available to him, he will drink it up. And you are paying for him to continue to be an alcoholic.

Read this site's "stickies" and learn about setting boundaries. This is how we survive. I wish you luck - and strength, and hope.
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Old 07-22-2008, 08:34 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Well, he's handed over his ATM card, credit cards, and cash and asked me to hide them somewhere so that he won't have any access to money (and therefore temptation). He's also found a somewhat similar site to this in Russian and has been reading stories of recovery, relapse, etc there.

Today is day 3 of sobriety. I know from experience that this is usually when the withdrawals and moodswings start to kick in....

Praying for patience and strength today....
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Old 07-22-2008, 08:51 AM
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MRF,

Welcome to SR, i hope things are hoing well with his detox. Remeber that as much as he is going through he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet, (i.e. learn to speak and or write in English) you will not always be around him 24 hours a day! I hope you can find AA for Russians!

Perhaps he could begin some English as a Foreign Language courses? Here in Britian they are called ESL courses.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 07-23-2008, 07:45 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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We're on day 4. He really struggled last night but resisted! One day at at time.....

Tomorrow is going to be a real test though as we are going to a BBQ with some friends and I KNOW they'll be drinking wine there...But I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to focus on today.
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Old 07-23-2008, 08:00 AM
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MRF

Keep in mind that he may drink and he may not. Regardless of his choice, it's not about you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics.

Have a wonderful time at your BBQ
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Old 07-25-2008, 09:32 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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He resisted the temptation yesterday! Others drank wine and he politely refused all afternoon! We are on day 6 of sobriety. It has been a LONG time since he has remained sober for so long
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