Brother's early sobriety...maybe....
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Brother's early sobriety...maybe....
Hi everybody--
So my big brother leaves me a message yesterday about how "priceless" his sobriety is.
He's in the midst of all the repercussions from a DUI 6 months ago. One of which is mandated AA meetings.
I've had a couple drunken messages in the spring...but generally he has been avoiding me since the 2nd DUI.
So now I get this very clear, cheerful, sober message.
I know it doesn't matter in terms of his sobriety or his drinking what I say. But I need to respond to that message right? And in my response I just don't want to get suckered!! Like I have to expend a lot of energy as it is to detach and live peacefully in spite of my fears for my brothers and for the safety of the public around them.
I would just like to hear some words. I want to have a healthy peaceful relationship with him....I don't talk to him about his drinking, as you all know, other than when he gets on the pity pot or starts with the "woe is me" and "why this or that" I just say - I hope you can get sober soon and find recovery! And then I drop it.
And since I don't trust this at all, I will never allow myself a conscious EXPECTATION of recovery, I'll just believe it when I see it one day at a time and only one day at a time, and yet when I heard his message ZOOOOOM my hopes shot right up!! I am such a spaz!!!
One of the things that bothers me the most about having to deal with alcoholics and my codependency is the way (with them) it arrests my ability to just have a free and natural response....y'know? I find I always have to weigh each interaction w/ my brothers so carefully, it is so aggravating....yet I love them and feel the need to keep in touch (even though it is pretty pathetic and minimal by now).
I know, it doesn't matter what I say, and part of me just wants to ignore the call - I'm not sure why....aaaaarrrggghhh just needed to write all this I guess -- help any thoughts, suggestions, scolds??? I'll take all comers!!
Thanks-- and Peace,
B
So my big brother leaves me a message yesterday about how "priceless" his sobriety is.
He's in the midst of all the repercussions from a DUI 6 months ago. One of which is mandated AA meetings.
I've had a couple drunken messages in the spring...but generally he has been avoiding me since the 2nd DUI.
So now I get this very clear, cheerful, sober message.
I know it doesn't matter in terms of his sobriety or his drinking what I say. But I need to respond to that message right? And in my response I just don't want to get suckered!! Like I have to expend a lot of energy as it is to detach and live peacefully in spite of my fears for my brothers and for the safety of the public around them.
I would just like to hear some words. I want to have a healthy peaceful relationship with him....I don't talk to him about his drinking, as you all know, other than when he gets on the pity pot or starts with the "woe is me" and "why this or that" I just say - I hope you can get sober soon and find recovery! And then I drop it.
And since I don't trust this at all, I will never allow myself a conscious EXPECTATION of recovery, I'll just believe it when I see it one day at a time and only one day at a time, and yet when I heard his message ZOOOOOM my hopes shot right up!! I am such a spaz!!!
One of the things that bothers me the most about having to deal with alcoholics and my codependency is the way (with them) it arrests my ability to just have a free and natural response....y'know? I find I always have to weigh each interaction w/ my brothers so carefully, it is so aggravating....yet I love them and feel the need to keep in touch (even though it is pretty pathetic and minimal by now).
I know, it doesn't matter what I say, and part of me just wants to ignore the call - I'm not sure why....aaaaarrrggghhh just needed to write all this I guess -- help any thoughts, suggestions, scolds??? I'll take all comers!!
Thanks-- and Peace,
B
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
And since I don't trust this at all, I will never allow myself a conscious EXPECTATION of recovery, I'll just believe it when I see it one day at a time and only one day at a time, and yet when I heard his message ZOOOOOM my hopes shot right up!! I am such a spaz!!!
Originally Posted by Bernadette
One of the things that bothers me the most about having to deal with alcoholics and my codependency is the way (with them) it arrests my ability to just have a free and natural response....y'know? I find I always have to weigh each interaction w/ my brothers so carefully, it is so aggravating....yet I love them and feel the need to keep in touch (even though it is pretty pathetic and minimal by now).
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bernadette)))
I totally understand about not being able to have a free and natural response. I now 2nd guess myself in almost every situation...because the codie in me seems so ingrained!
I really don't know have any advice on this situation, since I haven't had to deal with anything like that before. I do hope that if my XABF (who has been using for 25+ years) were to call me, clean and sober, that I could say "I'm happy for you" and mean it. For me, that's about the best I could offer...been hurt and lied to too many times, and I would have to stay detached. I'm sure it's much harder when it's your brother.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I totally understand about not being able to have a free and natural response. I now 2nd guess myself in almost every situation...because the codie in me seems so ingrained!
I really don't know have any advice on this situation, since I haven't had to deal with anything like that before. I do hope that if my XABF (who has been using for 25+ years) were to call me, clean and sober, that I could say "I'm happy for you" and mean it. For me, that's about the best I could offer...been hurt and lied to too many times, and I would have to stay detached. I'm sure it's much harder when it's your brother.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hey Bern!
Sorry you are having such a bad time. As for how to deal with it...when I have any interaction with my father, I mostly just listen to what he says and leave it at that. I worry something will happen will happen to him as his disease is progressing to end stage at this point, but I have come to a point with him where worrying about him isn't going to help, so I take a deep breath and just let it go.
As difficult as life has been with him, he's still my father, so I would rather have odd an awkward conversations with him (with boundaries) than not have him in my life at all. I don't think that makes me a bad codie. It just makes me a daughter with a sick father who hopes for the best for him, but also takes care of herself.
(((Bern)))
Sorry you are having such a bad time. As for how to deal with it...when I have any interaction with my father, I mostly just listen to what he says and leave it at that. I worry something will happen will happen to him as his disease is progressing to end stage at this point, but I have come to a point with him where worrying about him isn't going to help, so I take a deep breath and just let it go.
As difficult as life has been with him, he's still my father, so I would rather have odd an awkward conversations with him (with boundaries) than not have him in my life at all. I don't think that makes me a bad codie. It just makes me a daughter with a sick father who hopes for the best for him, but also takes care of herself.
(((Bern)))
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Drunk or sober, I have found that with the A's in my life, it is best just to let THEM do the talking and not really give up much about myself in conversation. They don't really care, or at least not for too long, in what I think anyway 
Keep it nice, short and noncommittal as always. Time will tell, as you know, B.
Keep it nice, short and noncommittal as always. Time will tell, as you know, B.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Bernadette,
Bless your heart.
Questions for you in my mind though. What exactly does "suckering" mean to you?
If you tell him you love him, and he relapses, will you be sorry you said it?
If you tell him you're proud of what he's accomplished so far, and he relapses, will you be sorry you said it?
If you tell him you realize it's hard to stay sober, but you're hoping with all your heart that he can, because you love him and want him to have a good life.....ditto.
Saying what your heart feels --- keeping it noncommittal! -- doesn't cost you a dime, doesn't take any extra work, and doesn't RISK anything physical and lasting on your part, ***IF*** you don't attach any expectations to it.
We are human beings. It's normal to feel a rush of hope when someone who's struggling to overcome a demon makes a step forward. Would you really be happier if you didn't have hope? Is it more important to protect these hopes from possibly being dashed than to express how you feel NOW?
I know too well how it feels to have a sibling (mother, father, you name it) make life hell with their alcoholism.
But I can only tell you, having lost my alcoholic sister to the disease, how comforting it is now to have been able to come to a place of peace where I could tell her these things, and not to hold back because I might feel some foolishness or disappointment if she relapsed. It didn't cost me a thing, I meant every word, and I think she's carrying it all with her in heaven.
Just a thought. Hugs to you, friend
Bless your heart.
Questions for you in my mind though. What exactly does "suckering" mean to you?
If you tell him you love him, and he relapses, will you be sorry you said it?
If you tell him you're proud of what he's accomplished so far, and he relapses, will you be sorry you said it?
If you tell him you realize it's hard to stay sober, but you're hoping with all your heart that he can, because you love him and want him to have a good life.....ditto.
Saying what your heart feels --- keeping it noncommittal! -- doesn't cost you a dime, doesn't take any extra work, and doesn't RISK anything physical and lasting on your part, ***IF*** you don't attach any expectations to it.
We are human beings. It's normal to feel a rush of hope when someone who's struggling to overcome a demon makes a step forward. Would you really be happier if you didn't have hope? Is it more important to protect these hopes from possibly being dashed than to express how you feel NOW?
I know too well how it feels to have a sibling (mother, father, you name it) make life hell with their alcoholism.
But I can only tell you, having lost my alcoholic sister to the disease, how comforting it is now to have been able to come to a place of peace where I could tell her these things, and not to hold back because I might feel some foolishness or disappointment if she relapsed. It didn't cost me a thing, I meant every word, and I think she's carrying it all with her in heaven.
Just a thought. Hugs to you, friend
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Wow - Thanks Y'all!!!:ghug
alone I can't handle this stuff but with all your help and wisdom it is manageable!
When I say suckered I guess I mean myself-- like whenever I have gotten my hopes up in the past it feels like a blow to the gut when the drinking returns worse than ever. And so I get mad at myself for allowing myself to have expectations. As much as I try to have hope but no expectations it just catches me sometimes--like I let my guard down and realize I've been having certain expectations again. I'm good at detaching during the bad stuff - but the good stuff is a whole other ball of wax! I'm like a puppy and I get so excited. Argh!
So no I wouldn't be sorry I guess to share my happiness at hearing that message with my brother...I just don't trust myself with feelings like "hope!!"
GiveLove thank you for sharing that about your sister...I'm so sorry you lost her. You've shared some moving and profound insight with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Peace,
B.
alone I can't handle this stuff but with all your help and wisdom it is manageable!
When I say suckered I guess I mean myself-- like whenever I have gotten my hopes up in the past it feels like a blow to the gut when the drinking returns worse than ever. And so I get mad at myself for allowing myself to have expectations. As much as I try to have hope but no expectations it just catches me sometimes--like I let my guard down and realize I've been having certain expectations again. I'm good at detaching during the bad stuff - but the good stuff is a whole other ball of wax! I'm like a puppy and I get so excited. Argh!
So no I wouldn't be sorry I guess to share my happiness at hearing that message with my brother...I just don't trust myself with feelings like "hope!!"
GiveLove thank you for sharing that about your sister...I'm so sorry you lost her. You've shared some moving and profound insight with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Peace,
B.
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