Pajarito

I know- I have seen threads based on this topic, and I've even contributed to them. But when it's this close to home it feels like a knife in my side. I am looking for the sort of feedback I've seen and even given to those of you with the same issue.

My STBXAH is seeing a woman he works with. He had an emotional affair with her (his 2nd in our marriage), and it is one of the bigger reasons I knew I had to move on. He has not shown any real remorse or concern for my feelings around this, in fact he's been just the opposite- telling me he is attracted to her, would probably ask her out if things didn't work out for us. It's been stuff you don't expect to hear from a man you've loved for 18 years. But then- he's been a lot of things I didn't expect, so why have I been hurt/surprised?

I've been working on why I stayed with him for so long, why I didn't honor and respect myself enough to leave when he pulled the same thing 10 years ago. But- I feel like there are 2 of me- the weaker one who is sad and hurt- who keeps looking back and wondering if I did this, or what could I have done to make things better- the usual codie-krap. Then there's the stronger me- the one I have been trying to nurture, the little voice inside me who knows better. I'm trying ot be patient with myself. I KNOW that he is no prince charming. . . but it still hurts. He seems to have moved on with no problems. He never cried, begged, seemed worried. . . none of the stuff a lot of you have experienced that probably makes it even harder to walk away. I guess it's been easier for me in that regard, but I still find it hard to be ok.

He's taken dd with him on a few of their outings, and we aren't even divorced yet. He moved out 10 months ago. I know moving on is for the best. I know that I personally cannot imagine being with anyone else right now. It just floors me that after 18 years he seems to be moving on so easily. I have too much work to do to continue to get stronger/healthier. I just wish it was a faster process, or that I could fast-forward a year or so to what I am hoping will be a better, not so raw emotional situation.

I'd appreciate some support, some stories, some reminders. Thanks. . . Paj

Barbara52

Yes it does hurt. Even when we don't want them anymore, it can hurt.

I think the moving on to another woman with no problems is part of the alcoholism. I know y xAH has had 2 "girlfriends" since I left him a year ago. He cannot stand to be alone. He needs validation from someone outside himself. And since he is willing to admit he's a A let alone beging recovery and look inward, he needs to find his next codie to support his lifestyle and validate him.

Yeah, it takes those of us who want to work on improving ourselves a bit to get ready for another relationship. Its easy if you want to just repeat the old patterns to move on the to next GF/BF. But I know that we come out way ahead in the long run for being willing to do the work to improve ourselves and break our self destructive patterns of choices and behaviors.

Think of it this way. He hasn't changed and is just about guaranteeing that this new relationship will also end.

Lilyflower

Chin up Paj!

Its hard separating, you are feeling the pain of it all because you are the type of person like most who process their emotions! Alcoholics have a major problem processing their emotions and will quite often just completely deny them, bury them, not identify with them etc etc.

I think that is why he can just ''move on'' with someone else, and why you are still grieving the loss.

My abf never showed any signs of remorse at us breaking up, he showed plenty of anger, mainly that I was being a cow, throwing him out of his home with no where to go etc. most of the time he didn't show any emotion at all, he was just so cold to me and seemed to act like nothing was happening, which tore my heart out because i thought if I meant anything to him, surely he must want to cry, or make amends- something! But I got nothing from him, except that childish selfish 'poor me' head.

He will most likely end up alone again once she wises up. If it takes her a while, she may end up posting here, upset and afraid and alone. Poor woman. Mixed up man. Healthy Paj, moving forward in recovery.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lovtolaff

Mine too jumped right in with someone else. Picked her up at a bar the night I kicked him out. Nice huh?

This is my xabf to a TEE. I do agree with Barbara when she said "it's part of the alcoholism". Mine couldn't stand to be alone either. I guess if you are alone - you "think" too much and God forbid you do that and try to figure out what went wrong. He is too busy trying to get his ego stroked and is a very high maintenance kind of guy.

This is what I have to keep telling myself - she is no different than the rest of us. Won't be able to stand it when his "true" colors come out.

Pajarito

Yes- it hurts- after 18 years it just kills me sometimes. Intellectually I get it- He has blamed me for everything- never able to look inward. But my dang heart is just not up there with my head yet. I know it's a helluva lot easier to date her- no responsibility to deal with a house or raising a child together. With me he took the path of least resistance. I'm sure I represent a harder life- having to be a responsible husband/father is just not something he wants to do. However- once the luster of a new relationship wears off the reality will settle in- and then she'll have a lot to deal with- and hopefully I'll be skipping merrily down my own path while whistling a happy tune. . . hee-hee.

Astro

It took me awhile to realize how totally true this is. I spent months feeling shame, remorse, and regret at being the alcoholic catalyst in the break-up of our marriage, while my ex moved on quickly and married the co-worker she had an affair with. And I have to admit I still have bouts of resentment towards both of them, it pains me that my children spend most of their time with her and "the other guy".

But the reality is they've both participated in the break-up of a marriage, and he's done it more than once. To think it won't happen again is pretty naive, history tends to repeat itself in relationships that are based around untreated codependency. My history in relationships has shown me that shaky foundations don't stand a chance of lasting without counseling, therapy, recovery, etc. Bad karma. Our actions and behavior will always come around to bite us in the butt.

I'm sorry you're hurting Paj, I hope you find relief and support here on SR. Prayers going out for you.

Pajarito

Mine as well- unbelieveable. . . 18 years and a child together.


Hopefully! (the bold part. . .) :o)

Barbara52

xAH is apparently planning on leaving this area and moving to be with his sweetie in Kansas. (Partly because his first ex is going to go after him for past child support he owes her in the amount of around $18,000 that he's told her she'll get when the house sale closes. He's going to get maybe $2000.) The new one is 20 yrs younger than he is as a bonus too. Of course they've never actually met yet, just emailed and talked on the phone. And of course she has no idea that he is telling outright lies about himself, his past, well, everything. Its been a struggle on my part not to drop her an email to tell her a few choice facts but I keep telling myself its none of my business anymore and not my place to rescue her either.

MsPINKAcres

((Pajarito))

this is a difficult place to be and for me, I have had to allow my heart time to feel the pain, grief, anger and all the other emotions that go along with these types of situations. While doing that my head keeps reminding my heart - "it's ok to feel, process and work thru these feelings - it's just emotions and when you are ready, we'll move on to healthier things together"

Please allow yourself extra self-care during this painful time and know that you are in my thoughts & prayers.

HUGS,
Rita

strongerwoman

You've gotten great advice.
You are not alone in the situation or in your feelings.
Just wanted to send you some ((hugs)), do something nice & nurturing for yourself today.

Lilyflower

It will be because you want it and your working it.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

Paj,

Mine is doing something similar too, but she's trying to stay with me while she makes up her mind. (I think). It's a hell to go through. Stay strong, and understand this:

Our lives are meant to do just one thing : to know what to say when we meet God.

By doing the right thing, you're the better, nicer, sweeter person, and the person that I as well as anyone else on this forum would like. We're the people that make the world go round, not your X.

hbb

I'm so sorry Paj. Your right, we've all written to each other about this sort of thing and it hurts that much more when it happens to us personally. Like the others have said, just keep focussing on all the healthy work you've done so far and know that him jumping into another relationship is so unhealthy and won't go anywhere.

You deserve the best! :ghug3

big hugs to you ((((Paj))))

Pajarito

So B52- knowing what you do about his shenanigans- do you feel anything for him? I hope one day I won't feel much of anything for my ex. Right now, though I don't feel like I want to be with him- as who he IS is not someone I can have a relationship with. But I think of who he WAS- or who I thought he was- that's where I get tripped up. I think- oh, maybe she'll bring out the best in him, he'll finally step up to the plate and be who I was hoping he'd be. It's a mind #$%& if you know what I mean. <<<Bigfatsigh>>>

lovtolaff

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

hbb

Only last night for the FIRST time in over a year (granted i was never married) I heard some gossip about Jay and i actually said "i could care less"!!! And the best part....i meant it! I can TOTALLY understand that feeling of the other person will bring out the best....not the case, this is who he is, and if it changes it will be for a very very short time! You have done things so tastefully all along and i'm starting to think that good people do get rewarded for that. Paj, like you've told me in the past, keep going forward, this is a blip in the road that will soon pass. hugs

LaTeeDa

Elizabeth Lesser says that the depth of our grief is equal to the vastness of our love. It hurts, not because he is so special, or that she will bring out the best in him. It hurts because of the amount you love him. That speaks volumes about you, Paj. You are a person capable of deep, honest love. Your grief is a badge of honor that proclaims it.

He, on the other hand, appears to have very little grief. That speaks volumes about him.

You will love again, when the time is right and your heart has healed. And I hope you find someone equally capable and worthy of deep, honest love.

He will likely continue on his journey of needing someone else to validate him, and a substance to numb him when the validation isn't enough.

L

Pajarito

That made me cry LTD. Thank you. Sometimes I've felt like a fool- like why didn't I leave him 10 years ago when he had his first emotional affair. (Fear was part of it.) But then I think I did truly love him- and I believed in us. I also had so much hope that he'd get better- that together we would be that "success story." Naieve I guess. But I can't chastise myself for that. I hope one day to put that much hope and love into someone truly worthy of my healthy self.

splendra

(((((Pajarito))))

Prayers going out for your heart to heal.

hopeangel

hey paj, can't really add to any of the great responses above - but i am thinking about you and my heart goes out to you. just trust that you are right where you are meant to be at this very moment and that it is all for a reason.

your a great woman and someone one day will appreciate that!!!

(((((hugs)))))))