But he has such potential"

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"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.

In his book, "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker addressed this issue in a way I thought might be useful to others on this forum, so I'll share it here:

One of the most common errors in selecting a boyfriend or spouse is basing the prediction on potential. This is actually predicting what certain elements might add up to in some different context: He isn't working now, but he could be really successful. He's going to be a great artist--of course he can't paint under present circumstances. He's a little edgy and aggressive these days, but that's just until he gets settled.

Listen to the words: isn't working; can't paint; is aggressive. What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intiution. That's because the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.

Spousal abuse is comitted by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been "the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive," etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are--between violent incidents.

But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them. I made these points on a recent television interview, and a young woman called in and said, "You're wrong, there's no way you can tell when a man will turn out to be violent. It just happens out of no where." She went on to describe how her ex-husband, an avid collector of weapons, became possessive immediately after her marriage, made her account for all of her time, didn't allow her to have a car, and frequently displayed jealously.

Could these things be warning signs?

In continuing her description of this awful man, she said, "His first wife died as a result of beatings he gave her."

Could that have been a warning sign? But people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of choosing not to see faults, and that requires some denial. This denial is doubtless necessary in a culture that glorifies the kind of romance that leads young couples to rush to get married in spite of all the reasons they shouldn't, and fifty-year-old men to follow what is euphemistically called their hearts into relationships with their young secretaries and out of relationships with their middle-aged wives. This is, frankly, the kind of romance that leads to more failed relationships than successful ones.

The issue of selection and choice brings to mind the important work of psychologist Nathaniel Branden, author of "Honoring the Self." He tells of the woman who says: "I have the worst luck with men. Over and over again, I find myself in these relationships with men who are abusive. I just have the worst luck." Luck has very little to do with it, because the glaringly common characteristic of each of this woman's relationships is her. My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penality for bad choices. But I do believe they are choices.

I think that any time spent thinking that anyone will ever "get" how mistreated I've been is simply a huge waste. No one should ever get a hallpass for being unkind, disrespectful, manipulative, selfish, etc. That includes addicts, recovering addicts, non addicts, etc. It is up to me (us) to determine what is acceptable behavior and what I will expose myself to. Acceptance does not mean accepting poor treatment - it means acceptance that there might be a situation that I can't change in any other way than to have boundaries with consequences in place. Maybe what I have to do is remove myself from the situation.

You can be an extremely kind, compassionate, loving person without being co-dependent. It's all about the motives behind anything. Many times co-dependents hide their true motives from themselves - the kindness, love, compassion, etc. are all given with the price tag of expectations of how we will be treated in return. As in - if I care for you and tend to you, then you will realize how much you need me and will give me the love that I am craving. Until we learn to love in a healthy way, we are drawn again and again and again to those that are unavailable and can't love us in return.

Many people that are co-dependents are also relationship addicts. I've read alot of Charlotte Kasl's work - her book Women, Sex, and Addiction was the biggest eye opener for me. I realized how my relationship addiction played into my co-dependency/alcoholic tendencies perfectly. If you ever find yourself in a one-way love affair it is certainly an area to look into.

I abhor the victim role that I have played for so long - I now see how I teed myself up for the lousy treatment that I have received throughout my life. I've made poor choices in my relationships - finding people that weren't available to love me. I am powerless over a lot of things - and one of the biggest is my desire to be loved (especially by a romantic partner). I have lowered my standards in the past to feed my addiction - the addiction to love and other people. Until I began learning to love myself from the inside out I wasn't able to make healthy decisions in relationships. I always had an excuse about how this person was "different, not understood, just needed someone on their side". Oh well - I thank God every single day that there is a path to walk that leads to recovery from all of our addictions. All of this is why I stand firmly on the principle that we truly are as sick as any addict in our lives that we think needs help.

I think that the world will become a better place when we all learn to honor ourselves and settle for nothing less in return. Easier said than done - I'm well aware. However, if I am taken advantage of because of my kindness then I know that I have set myself up. The 4th step helped me to take a close look at all the resentments that I had accumulated through the years - now I see how my denial, perception issues, low self esteem, self-delusion, poor boundaries all set me up for what ended up being my resentments.

My counselor told me to prepare myself for this- that AH would probably be looking for someone else to fill the hole. She and the counselor my AH and I saw work together. They both agreed that he was not going to look inward- that he would be looking for someone else to validate him asap. How exactly does one prepare for that, though??? I just don't think you can prepare for it- even with as much as I knew- that he had been attracted to this person since he started his job a year ago, and that they are together every day, have been out of town together on work trips, have been out recently and taken dd along- it still feels horrible to really know they are "together"- not just working, but actually dating. I'm trying to prepare myself to see them together, but again- I don't think I'll feel blase about it when it happens. It's just one more thing to feel. But I'll get through it. It's starting to be clearer to me that this is just something I have to go through- all of it. As much as I'd like to fast forward through it, I can't grow unless I experience it.