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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4
New To This
I would like to tell my story and hear what everyone has to say. I have been married for a lil over 2 years. I feel that my husband has a drinking problem.
When I mention it to him he gets mad and tells me he doesnt have a problem that i have a problem that he doesnt do anything that any other normal man doesnt do. He has a son from a lady whom he was never married (who is out of control). He works a regular job that he has been on for 15 years. He has 2 previously failed marriages, lost a home and several vechicles, was living with him mom when we met (should have been a major red flag). He doesnt enjoy doing anything that he cant have a drink while doing. He plays poker, fishes and hunts alot. His hobbies take presidence over everything including me. He claims to put his child before anything but that doesnt happen, its all about himself and what he wants. For example in a matter of a few hours while mowing the yard he will drank 8 beer last night. It did not faze him. On a night of going out on the town he will drink anywhere form 18 to 24 and still not be just wasted. He has such a high tolerance of drinking that he can drink 8 and still act fine. He drinks on a daily basis and never has money to do anything because if he gets any money he will drink and smoke it up and play cards or something and not worry about anything because he know I will take care of it. When I say anything I am labeled as bitching. It has got so bad that he has left like 3 times in a month, he comes home then when I say something he will start in that see I told you, your never gonna change. I dont know what to do. I have started counseling and she is who recommended that I try this. Does anyone have a similar relationship? I am trying to get strong and happy with myself. And also to mention the stepson, his mom is a druggie and has very little to do with him. He has so much negative in his life I am really worried what is gonna happen to him. I find myself being so angry and distraught. I am a person who wants to fix everything. I am having a real hard time accepting that I cant and that I cant change people.
When I mention it to him he gets mad and tells me he doesnt have a problem that i have a problem that he doesnt do anything that any other normal man doesnt do. He has a son from a lady whom he was never married (who is out of control). He works a regular job that he has been on for 15 years. He has 2 previously failed marriages, lost a home and several vechicles, was living with him mom when we met (should have been a major red flag). He doesnt enjoy doing anything that he cant have a drink while doing. He plays poker, fishes and hunts alot. His hobbies take presidence over everything including me. He claims to put his child before anything but that doesnt happen, its all about himself and what he wants. For example in a matter of a few hours while mowing the yard he will drank 8 beer last night. It did not faze him. On a night of going out on the town he will drink anywhere form 18 to 24 and still not be just wasted. He has such a high tolerance of drinking that he can drink 8 and still act fine. He drinks on a daily basis and never has money to do anything because if he gets any money he will drink and smoke it up and play cards or something and not worry about anything because he know I will take care of it. When I say anything I am labeled as bitching. It has got so bad that he has left like 3 times in a month, he comes home then when I say something he will start in that see I told you, your never gonna change. I dont know what to do. I have started counseling and she is who recommended that I try this. Does anyone have a similar relationship? I am trying to get strong and happy with myself. And also to mention the stepson, his mom is a druggie and has very little to do with him. He has so much negative in his life I am really worried what is gonna happen to him. I find myself being so angry and distraught. I am a person who wants to fix everything. I am having a real hard time accepting that I cant and that I cant change people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! You will find a lot of support and information in here.
I strongly suggest you get a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is very likely you will see yourself all over the place in that book and it will help you figure out how help yourself.
Whether your husband wants to admit to a drinking problem is irrelevant. You can't change him, control him or cure him. You can change how you react to his drinking, how you interact with him or even decide to leave him. Its enough that his drinking is unacceptable to you and leads to behaviors that are unacceptable to you. The label put on that drining doesn't much matter. Its a problem for you. Period.
Originally Posted by searchinsanity 
I am a person who wants to fix everything. I am having a real hard time accepting that I cant and that I cant change people.
Whether your husband wants to admit to a drinking problem is irrelevant. You can't change him, control him or cure him. You can change how you react to his drinking, how you interact with him or even decide to leave him. Its enough that his drinking is unacceptable to you and leads to behaviors that are unacceptable to you. The label put on that drining doesn't much matter. Its a problem for you. Period.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome to SR Search,
It is hard when we first realise that we cannot change things or people and yet we still have that gut reaction to at least try. However with perseverance and watchfulness over our thoughts it can be done, and gets easier in time. Have you the book ''Codependant no more - Melody Beattie''? She discusses the type of behaviour you refer to and how we can do better for ourselves and learn how to let go. In the end, always attempting to fix makes us tired, frustrated and upset progressing to angry, arrogant, and short sighted, as we may as well bang our head against a brick wall or try to teach a dog how to speak!
If your partners drinking is a problem for you it is a problem that needs addressing. Remember the three C's-
you didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Only he can do those things, and until he has admitted the problem to himself that process can never begin. Even when my exabf admitted he had a problem he continued to drink, he just did not see why he should stop, his children, his partner, his health - none were good enough reasons.
Alcoholics are very possesive and protective over their drinking, and so he probably will get defensive and try to turn tables on you when you bring up the subject as he is in complete denial. Plus, if he knows you will always rescue him and pick up the pieces of his life, he will definately have no reason to change and will through temper tantrums like a child to continue passing responsibilites that are his onto you. As long as you keep doing things for him that he is capable of doing himself (especially facing the consequences of his actions) you are enabling his drinking. It is pointless trying with him. You can work on yourself though to help heal you.
Read through the stickies at the top of this and every forum on SR, and get yourself familiar with the dynamics going on inside your home.
keep posting with us, as we are here to support you as you go along this path - you are not alone.
Blessings and hugs to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It is hard when we first realise that we cannot change things or people and yet we still have that gut reaction to at least try. However with perseverance and watchfulness over our thoughts it can be done, and gets easier in time. Have you the book ''Codependant no more - Melody Beattie''? She discusses the type of behaviour you refer to and how we can do better for ourselves and learn how to let go. In the end, always attempting to fix makes us tired, frustrated and upset progressing to angry, arrogant, and short sighted, as we may as well bang our head against a brick wall or try to teach a dog how to speak!
If your partners drinking is a problem for you it is a problem that needs addressing. Remember the three C's-
you didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Only he can do those things, and until he has admitted the problem to himself that process can never begin. Even when my exabf admitted he had a problem he continued to drink, he just did not see why he should stop, his children, his partner, his health - none were good enough reasons.
Alcoholics are very possesive and protective over their drinking, and so he probably will get defensive and try to turn tables on you when you bring up the subject as he is in complete denial. Plus, if he knows you will always rescue him and pick up the pieces of his life, he will definately have no reason to change and will through temper tantrums like a child to continue passing responsibilites that are his onto you. As long as you keep doing things for him that he is capable of doing himself (especially facing the consequences of his actions) you are enabling his drinking. It is pointless trying with him. You can work on yourself though to help heal you.
Read through the stickies at the top of this and every forum on SR, and get yourself familiar with the dynamics going on inside your home.
keep posting with us, as we are here to support you as you go along this path - you are not alone.
Blessings and hugs to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
The first thing we have to do - is change ourselves. It works. I use to think I could save anyone, it drove me mad. Keep reading and talking in here as it helped me so much.
When you ask questions like why, when, if, you should concentrate on, now. Sometimes when we think we love someone we should put up with things that we just wouldnt even think about doing for a stranger. Then why should you keep doing what you have always done (if you dont like it) simply because of relationships or family. Decide your boundaries, what you want and stick to it. Saying no can really hurt but in the long run, its the best thing you can do for him.
Can you be there for your step son, he needs someone by the sounds of it.
JJ
When you ask questions like why, when, if, you should concentrate on, now. Sometimes when we think we love someone we should put up with things that we just wouldnt even think about doing for a stranger. Then why should you keep doing what you have always done (if you dont like it) simply because of relationships or family. Decide your boundaries, what you want and stick to it. Saying no can really hurt but in the long run, its the best thing you can do for him.
Can you be there for your step son, he needs someone by the sounds of it.
JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4
Thanks for your reply, I am trying to work on myself, I have started counseling and reading alot of books. I got Codependent No More, yesterday, and I am reading it. You ask me about the step son. I have never been around a child that I could not bond with, until this one. I am a very kid oriented person and my kids friends have always liked me and got along with me. I have never had a problem til now. When I started dating my husband this kid loved me wanted me to be his step mom, after about 6 mos into the marriage things started to change. He has problems with reading and writing. He will be in the 7th grade when school starts, we had to take him to a dr and they put him on meds for add and adhd they did alot of test on him and he is on about a 2nd grade level. We had to put him in all the special classes at school. I have tried to help him learn to read and do things with him and rebels against me. He is always doing stuff to get in trouble. I think he may be jealous of me and his dad. Night before last after we went to bed he came busting in our bedroom wanting to know what we were doing. He is constanly tearing things up, very destructive, just a mischevious child and my husband tries to baby him to death. My husbands father was killed when he was like 10, so he makes the excuse that he is gonna do everything for his son because he never had a dad. But he doesnt do anything, its almost like he tries to buy him and he has no rules hardly at all, he gets up and goes and does what he pleases he walks all over the place and most of the time we dont know where he is. A couple of weeks ago I had 2 different people call me and tell me he was playin in the middle of the road and wouldnt move would just look at them as if they were crazy, kinda like he was just testing them. One sd she started to call the police and I told her she should have. Then when I told the dad he sd I took care of it. I ask him what did he do he sd he told him he better stay out of the road. There are so many things that have gone on. And the thing is I keep asking myself why I stay in this as it will only get worse and I cant come up with an answer. I sit and wonder and pine over it all time. I have let all of this consume my life. I am trying to stop and get my life back. I love my husband, but I want to love myself more. Remember me in your prayers. I am trying. I am at a point of wondering if you can ever live in a situation like this and be happy once you detach from the worrying. Guess I am still not there.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I feel for you sweetie. Sounds like you are getting it at all directions and its hard enough dealing with a drinker in the house. It seems your husband is buying his son off. This could be out of guilt, selfishness or lack of trying. It is so easy to buy children off in this situation. My sister who is a cronic alcoholic use to buy her children everything they wanted and use it as a tool to get them to do what she wanted. Didnt work in the end and they resented her for it. Maybe this is whats happening here. At this age he probably is disillusioned with dad and no discipline. My nephew has ADD? with a drunk mum (they dont live with her anymore) He needs strong rules and love to go with it. He needs to belong, have direction and guideance but at the same time if he feels he cant do something slowly but surely can help. I let him know that its ok, we dont have to be perfect and he is better at things than me. Does your stepson have a cousin he can relate too/this helped my nephew tremendously. My son who is 2 years older basically became great mates with him and he spends alot of time at my home. Only a suggestion - keep in touch and hang in there.
Hurt again
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Anywhere but where I want to be.
Posts: 39
Hi Searchinsanity...
I too can relate to your marriage. I have been married for a little over a year and 6 years together. My AH invloves beer with EVERYTHING. If he is mowing, watching tv, eating at a resturant, sitting at the pool, lying in bed, taking a shower, he is drinking. He can drink 20 beers in a matter of hours. He just started seeing a psych for anxiety and is now on meds as well. These and the beers don't mix well. If I ever say anything, even out of concern then I too am bitching and controling. I keep money from him as well only because he will spend every dime on beer. But this too is my fault.
Just visit the forums every day or so and read what others are going thru. You are not alone. I do mostly reading and not a lot of writing but it still seems to help. I have read several of the books mentioned here and am in the process of getting a few more. Alone in Marriage: Encouragement For the Times When It's All Up to You, and Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic. I will let you know how the books are if you would like. So just hang in there and check back often to let us know how things are.
I too can relate to your marriage. I have been married for a little over a year and 6 years together. My AH invloves beer with EVERYTHING. If he is mowing, watching tv, eating at a resturant, sitting at the pool, lying in bed, taking a shower, he is drinking. He can drink 20 beers in a matter of hours. He just started seeing a psych for anxiety and is now on meds as well. These and the beers don't mix well. If I ever say anything, even out of concern then I too am bitching and controling. I keep money from him as well only because he will spend every dime on beer. But this too is my fault.
Just visit the forums every day or so and read what others are going thru. You are not alone. I do mostly reading and not a lot of writing but it still seems to help. I have read several of the books mentioned here and am in the process of getting a few more. Alone in Marriage: Encouragement For the Times When It's All Up to You, and Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic. I will let you know how the books are if you would like. So just hang in there and check back often to let us know how things are.
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