kingston

That's a question that's been bothering me for the last week or so. So a bit of history here. My AH who is sober but not working any program (dry drunk) hasn't worked or contributed financially in months. This has helped to make me feel very insecure financially and loose respect for him, lots more feelings there but I'm sure you get the gist of it.

So, I sat down with him a couple of weeks ago and told him how I felt and that in order for me to feel better I needed financial security and that he contribute. I told him that he must have a job that would allow him to pay 50% of our living expenses by Sept 1. If he didn't have a job I would start looking for an affordable apartment for me.

He said ok and that was it, short and sweet. He's made a few phone calls and has had one interview with a temp agency and another one set up for later this week. In my opinion not actively looking but that's up to him I'm not getting involved.

My problem - after much soul searching is that I don't want this relationship anymore. If he got a job right now I would feel great because I would then say to him you have a job you can look after yourself and I'm moving. Makes me think that I still feel "responsible" for him. I shouldn't, he has made this choice not to work, I've allowed it. He's more than capable of working. I've have some "twisted" thoughts going on in my head, if he picked up a drink, it would be easier for me to tell him, if he doesn't have a job by Sept 1, it would be easier for me tell him. These "things" are something definite, that I can point at and say that's what did it. I find it difficult to describe that I don't want to be with him because I have no respect for him, he's boring, he never wants to do anything, he's not working, not working a program, etc etc.

I've been looking at other apartments with the intention of moving - alone. I haven't been honest with him. At this point he believes that everything will be fine IF he has a job. I haven't told him that I want to move on without him. I've been planning on finding an apartment, getting it all lined up then telling him I'm moving (hopefully the next day). I can't see me staying with him after I tell him - far too uncomfortable.

My dilemma is that this is dishonest, should I tell him the truth? What's holding me back? What am I afraid of? He's not a violent person and would never hurt me. Why can't I be honest with him? Should I be honest? Or just look after myself and the hell with him?

Life right now is very strained. We live together but never really talk. He's trying to make sure that I know he's looking for job, has even started vacumming and cleaning up the kitchen after himself. It's just that's it's too late (for me) I don't care anymore. It's just too late.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks - K

nowinsituation

Have I been there - yes. My (STBX)AH is disabled; so because of that he hasn't worked for several years. Financially I guess he was contributing, because he received disability benefits. But, we really lived in separate worlds as he had allowed himself to become isolated and very out of touch with reality (yeah, boring I guess). All this time I didn't realize he was also drinking; so I cut him a lot of slack telling myself he needed time to come to grips with his disability. When I found out he was drinking I finally stood up to him and told him he needed to get some rehabilitation and to either get a job or volunteer so that he was out of the house on a regular basis -- oh, and also to stop drinking. He completely agreed with me, and made a big production of reading the want ads every day to "prove" he was looking for a job. He also did do some rehabilitation. He made it easy for me to leave though, because he continued to drink and then lie to me about it. But when I left he seriously was shocked and couldn't believe I would leave when he was doing "everything I wanted him to do". Deep down I knew that if he was only doing it because "I" wanted him to, that it was only temporary. I knew that I couldn't drag him through life, that there would always be that next thing that would come along that he wouldn't be able to deal with, and I would resent that he wouldn't be responsible for himself; and he would resent me for trying to control him. It was no way to live. I think you know that, too.

I don't think you were dishonest. At the time you told him to find a job I'll bet you believed that would change things enough, that you would be able to stay. You have realized that is not enough, and you will tell him when the time is right. My AH didn't really hear me or believe me when I did tell him. He only realized I was serious when I walked out the door. So, I'm not sure how much good it does to talk about it beforehand anyway.

Good luck.

Barbara52

That is not dishonest. That is continuing to look at your situation and coming to an understanding that you are not living the life you want to live. What would be dishonest would be to live one way when its not what you want or need.

One of the reasons I left my xAH was his refusal to find a job. When I left he had been out of work for 2 yrs. His idea of job hunting was to look only on the internet and never for something that was "beneath him." Its now a year after I left and he is still unemployed and now facing homlessness in a couple of weeks when the sale of our house closes. He refuses to deal in the realities of his life. His choice of course and he will have to deal with the consequences of those choices.

When I was reaching the decision to leave, I told him a number of times that I was reaching the end of my patience, that I would end up leaving if he didn't change. He didn't believe me. I chose not to let him know when I was actively finding an apartment, etc. I did not give him advanced notice of my actual moving out because I did not want to deal with the drama and anger and so on. I woke him up that morning, told him I was leaving, had a friend from AA and our pastor come in and talk to him while I finished packing up and left.

For me, this is what was best. It was difficult to do it that way but for me it worked and worked well.

Lilyflower

I also told my exabf that I needed him to get a job and contribute (he had been out of work 5 months when i ended it). He had spent the last two years of our relationship in and out of work and we had masses of debt. In the year leading up to our split i told him again and again that I was unhappy that things had to change, he never made an effort, he kept acting the same way, perhaps maybe a week here and there when things got better, but after a while I knew his heart wasn't in it because it couldn't be maintained.

I went from asking for things to telling him I was done. He didn't believe me. I gave him a month to go, he was so in denial that I would follow through he never found anywhere to go and ended up moving in with his dad, where he is still living 4 months later.

You've got to be true to yourself, when you want to tell him is up to you, I don't think it is deceitful because he must know you are unhappy, plus he knows he is only making a half hearted attempt to get into work, does he think you are blind to that and that this can go on forever??

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GiveLove

What a dilemma! I understand perfectly how you feel.

Of course, the most honest thing to do would be to let him know that you're planning to move out. But I think you know that would create a soup of chaos, and perhaps you're trying to avoid that? I couldn't blame you.

I did a similar kind of thing, and I'm not proud of it. My AX wasn't at all motivated to find steady employment, and so I announced I was going overseas without him on an educational junket. He then found it within himself to get a job, and I changed my mind and took a separate apartment. He was angry, there was chaos...but I was mostly gone for it. It ended up working out -- he really needed to take responsibility for himself, and I simply forced his hand by my actions.

Would you feel better being honest with him? Or would you feel better telling him right before you leave, knowing that EITHER WAY he has to find a job? That's the big question, I suppose. I knew that an extended period of chaos would do more damage to me than a temporary lapse in integrity. But you may feel differently.

Hoping you find the answers in your heart....just a hand of support, from someone who's been there too.

Mambo Queen

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that feeling like you're mean, or a bitch, or uncaring, has kept me stuck. If you don't want the relationship, that's OK, you know? I'm sure most people in life have been rejected at one time or another. For us codies, I think, doing the rejecting hurts even worse, but it's important to remember that you are an important person too who is perfectly within her rights to chose not to be with somebody. If you think you can safely tell him you don't want the relationship anymore, that may be the best route, but if you'd rather just protect yourself, that's perfectly understandable too.

I also want to add that the "dry drunk" can be the worst, because then you feel like you're not fully "justified" in leaving. MY STBXAH would make a cursory effort to try AA, go for a couple of meetings, then tell me it wasn't working and quit. I say, you don't get to make that choice if other people are involved. If you are married, and care about saving your marriage, you'd work the program even if just for the reason of saving your marriage. He doesn't care enough to do that, to even try, so there's your guilt absolver right there.