FormerDoormat

Folks seem to post letters to their alcoholic loved ones frequently on the F&F forum perhaps just to vent or perhaps in an effort to effect change. Although I've never composed one, and since the subject came up again today, I thought it might be useful to start a new thread and ask folks who've composed "Dear Alkie" letters to share their results so others who are thinking about doing so can learn from their experience.

Has anyone who's composed and or sent a "Dear Alkie" letter effected change in their alcoholic loved one? Was the letter well received? Did it accomplish its intended purpose?

Inquiring minds want to know.

loner1968

None of my letters ever made a difference to the alkie.

austingemini

I wrote a letter to the alchie in my life - but that was me - so I'm not sure that one would be terribly helpful. What relation is the alchie in your life?

Startingover2

I have only given him two letters in the past. The rest were more journaling and venting letters that I have never sent. Even his children (my stepkids) have written him letters and nothing has made a difference. When I write him my 'fake' letters they are things I wished I could say to his face.

OverItNow

Any letters I ever gave to mine were thrown back in my face--unread. I was told that letters were "an easy way out" to get my point across and that I needed to have the "ba!!s" to say what I needed to face to face--of course we ALL know how those face to face conversations go. The letters did help me feel better, until I gave them to him then I felt worse. Now, if I need to write him a letter I do--for me. I don't ever give them to him.

Tally

I wrote quite a few "Dear ABF" emails, none made any difference at all, until he was ready to make it. They kinda helped me though, through the fact that I wasn't bottling things up. I find when I used to bottle things up I'd end up getting angry/resentful etc..as I wouldn't like to bring things up face to face when he was drinking as it would end in a fight or him twisting it...so in that respect writing them helped me but didn't chance anything to do with him or his behaviour.

GiveLove

I have written Dear Alcoholic/Addict letters.

All of the ones I wrote but never sent, helped me to get my feelings clear and right there in black and white, where I couldn't stuff them down any more. They helped.

All of the ones I ended up sending did nothing whatsoever except cause more chaos. Ultimately, they didn't affect the alcoholic/addict's behavior at all.

OverIt, some of us just communicate ourselves better in writing than we do face-to-face. One's not better than the other. Your ABF obviously doesn't have a clue. He just wants the advantage because he knows face-to-face he can intimidate you.

Barbara52

I wrote one and handed to it xAH the day I left. It explained why I left and requested no contect. I have no idea what effect it had other than he did respect my request for no contact. But then I didn't expect it to have an effect on him. I wrote it for me.

Sweetiepie1

Never did a letter but got a piece of paper, drew a line down the middle and put the positives I was seeing in the relationship one side and the negatives the other. You can guess which was the longest.

There was no intention to show it to him, it was something I did for myself.

Things were far more difficult to ignore when staring back at me in black and white.

Pajarito

I wrote a 3-page single spaced letter to AH's counselor before he and I met- to lay it all out there since I only had an hour with the man to explain my side of the story. I look back at that letter now and shake my head. Sad too- I was so afraid. It did me no good. I thought I could enlist this man's help- and he did help me to understand something- that I could not control AH. I suppose the letter just showed him how "sick" I was. Now I journal instead of writing letters. . . it's for me and no one else.

hadenoughnow

I did write one letter to my ex only because he was alternating between raging dry drunk and just plain drunk and having a conversation with him about our future (or lack therof) was impossible. I didn't expect it to change him but I got to "say" what was on my mind without being blamed for his problems, screamed at or told to shut up.

He was "all upset" that I wrote a letter instead of speaking with him (probably because it deprived him of the opportunity to play games).

He never took anything I said or wrote seriously except the divorce papers he was served with.

Jazzman

I did, once. It was a heart felt deeply personal letter and it accomplished nothing accept it was shared with other people in attempt to hurt me. I regret writing it.

Mair

Yep guilty as charged. It felt good writting it, but i so so regret sending it. It was one of those sentimental letters.

Your the love of my life, why does this have to happen to us. If only you could get sorted..........

Did it have any effect? Nah. Apparently the letter upset him so much he had to go for a drink!!!!!!

This is the time i realised how much of a manipulator i had become, i was getting as bad as him.

Sweetiepie1

This made me laugh out loud

good_luck

I've written a ton of letters, and sent a few.

It was absolutely good for me to write things down, and I don't regret the ones that I sent.

I don't think that they were written with an intention to change anything. They were written because I wanted to express myself, and I wanted him to know how I felt. I would say that they were sucessful. It was important for me to feel heard, and intense emtional conversations often went badly, so letters were a better medium than conversation.

From what I understand, not everybody reacts to living with an alcoholic the exact same way. Personally, I wasn't very controlling, but I got to a point where I just wasn't seeing things clearly. The whole "walking on eggshells" thing. The whole "thinking too much about not me" thing.

So sitting down and writing things out helped me a LOT. And sometimes sending a letter that I thought captured what I was experiencing or had experienced particularly well, felt really good.

Sometimes now, when I get the urge to "explain" something, I just look at my sent messages and reread the letters and feel calmer because I have already said it. And I am usually pretty happy about the way that it was said.

So basically, I am totally pro-letter.

kj21

I have wrote many letters to my exa. They made me feel much better writing it all down. Thet never changed anyting for him. He would read them, say how sorry he was..he would try harder to change back into the man he wanted to be, the man I had fallen in love with...then out he would go. so if it makes you feel better to get in on paper, do it, but not for him, do it for you. My ex kept all the letters...I reread them a few months before we broke up, it just made me realize how long I had been waiting for him to change and how nothing ever did. I am glad he saved them for me to reread.

Kindeyes

I have written many letters to my RA son over the years. They certainly didn't do much good.

I wrote one letter (the last letter I've written to him) while he was in the treatment center that I was asked to write by the counselors. They called it an "affects letter". I explained MY participation in the progression of his disease. I explained how my actions (and reactions) affected him and ME. And I explained what I wasn't going to do anymore.

The letter was read....outloud in his group session. And then discussed. I have no idea how it was received. I have no idea what discussion took place. Do I think the letter was important? For me.....absolutely.

hbb

I did that list as well instead of writing a letter. Ironically enough that i should read this thread tonight as i found that list about 4 hours ago in my jeep in a box of CRAP....how appropriate

I always thought if i did write one that i wouldn't give it to him as it would be more for me. Thanks for the thread FD!

rivka

I did the same list as Sweetiepie and hbb !!!...and keep trying to ADD to the "con" side whenever I can.
Of course I never thought to send it to my stbXABF...just wanted to see what the heck i see in him that is so friggin great that I lose my own sensibility and put up with his crap....(Codie alert...step away from the addict!!!)

Frankly, my list even got into details about his issues with "sexual performance"...I wont elaborate, but you know what drugs/alc often does to a guy....I wanted to document all of this nitty gritty so I could keep looking back on it when I feel "in love" and wonder WTF am I thinking???
It's working a bit, but a woman's heart is often forgiving, and like Former Doormat said in a post recently, we idolize their "potential" not who they are now...and fill in the blanks and less desirable traits with who we THINK they could be....
Still working on it.

Thanks for the interesting topic.
rivka

Lilyflower

I wrote one and sent it by email to him. He professed to have never received it, so I sent it again with a report check, (lovely thing computer's they get to give you reports on read emails, that really helped quell my codie ''did he get it?'' side). It was never commented on, discussed, nada.

I have no idea how he felt about it, I don't think I wanted him to argue what I had put, I just wanted to share my feelings with him. Manipulation? Possibly, because at the time I think I hoped he would refer to things and apologise to me for hurting me. What I later realised (months later) was that I needed to forgive myself, for staying so long, for abandoning myself, for not loving myself.

The letter was me hoping to heal my injured self, but ignorantly (in a mindless, non understanding sense) thinking that that should be given from the outside i.e. from him, and not internally i.e. from me.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx