Startingover2

Dear AH-

You really have yourself in a pickle this time and as usual you want me and everyone else to feel sorry for poor you, the victim and bail you out. You recieved your second DUI last weekend and now want me to step up and pay for your attorney. YOU did this to yourself. I am glad you got the dui. You were bound to kill yourself and/or someone else. You deserved it and it was a long time coming. Now you say if you don't get an attorney you will get 'screwed'. You broke the law...and more than once. You just finally got caught.

You sent me a text message today asking for my financial help. Chicken. Anytime you have to ask me something uncomfortable, you send a text. Ask me yourself chicken. I told you my expenses are high right now and couldn't help you. They are high because you walked out on our marriage for a year and I had to scramble to make ends meet. You cheated on me, lied to me, drank like a fish and now want my help. Yes, we are working things out now and have our beautiful daughter but you don't pay a dime of bills here in this home. You have lived here with us since she was born almost 4 months ago and haven't given up your rental house. Why? You talked about it but haven't done a thing about it. I sent you a text to give it up and use the rent/deposit money for your attorney...never heard back from you. Why? Because you still want your cake and eat it too.

I am sorry you are in this mess. You are looking at alot of penalties including some jail time. Why don't you get your act together and stop playing the victim. You have children that need you. You created this mess, now fix it. I still love you but I can no longer bail you out. I have a family to take care of.

Love your wife...

LaTeeDa

My questions are as follows:

What do you hope to accomplish with this letter? It appears to be a means of controlling him, teaching him a lesson, or showing him "the light."

You say in the letter that you are "working things out now." I must have missed the part he is contributing to "working it out." How is not contributing to the bills, keeping another residence, getting a dui and wanting you to pay, "working it out?"

L

FormerDoormat

Calling someone a chicken is akin to daring them to step into the ring and go a couple of rounds. It's quite effective if the result you desire is a fight.

Pajarito

It sounds very punitive to me. All you have to say if he asks for help is no. It's a complete sentence.

starflier

Oh, my, I've written lots of letters like yours over the years. Sigh. They have never done the slightest bit of good. Good in the sense that anything changed. They just made me feel a tiny bit better when I wrote them. I think Pajarito is correct; just say no.

suki44883

It sounds very punitive to me. All you have to say if he asks for help is no. It's a complete sentence.

I agree 100%

Barbara52

I hope you felt better writing that.

Now, throw it away.

Do no send it unless you want to continue to engage in the drama.

CatsPajamas

Gosh I bet it felt good to get all of that out. I have written many things like that. Thank goodness for a program of recovery - now I know that I can write and vent ... and then I call my sponsor or a recovery friend where I can share my frustrations and my fears and my anger. In my experience, nothing good ever came from sending the letters. When I did send a letter like what you wrote, all he did was take it apart piece by piece and try to justify his behaviors or his choices. It became a matter of semantics rather than about choices ~ consequences ~ accountability.

My ex knew when he had messed up. I really didn't need to tell him. My ex did a good job of beating himself up... I really didn't need to say or do anything else confirm his low self image.

Have you been able to find any Al Anon meetings nearby? I always have a peaceful hour when I can get to a meeting.

Hugs
Cats

Startingover2

I never had any intention of sending this. It was more just a vent. I am keeping quiet about the DUI and letting him handle it. I guess I just don't get the victim mentality. He was a .22 and got busted. How does he feel he was wrongly accused? I know he is an alcoholic and I am codependent. Yes, I am angry with him not for the DUI but for the life he has chosen. I am fearful for our daughter and not sure what to do. I would love to kick him out again for my sake but cannot stand the thought of sharing custody with him. I would rather keep him here where I can make sure our baby is safe.

loner1968

sometimes people just need to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course its not going to help the situation. We all learn in our own time. When things are messed up we sometimes think anything is worth a try. IME it didn't matter what I read, heard or learned. Part of Me still wanted to try to get through to the A. That was part of MY problem in all this.

GiveLove

So you're planning on being home 24/7 for the next 18 years? Never, ever going to leave the baby in his care, to go to work or school or to have a social life? Somehow I don't think that'll be possible.

"Safe" is with a childcare provider, a trusted family member, or you. Babies aren't safe with people who blow .22 and whine for money by text message.

LaTeeDa

Not to mention the psychological damage, which comes later as children grow up and learn by example...............

L

Startingover2

I live in fear. He has joint custody with his exwife for his other two daughters. Sure she complains about his drinking but has never done a thing about it. When I consulted an attorney about getting full custody they told me that alcohol abuse is very tough to prove and he would probably end up with partial custody. She is only 4 months old. I have never ever left him with her. Not even for 15 minutes. He is a binge/weekend drinker so during the week he is sober, but I feel so scared to leave her with him. Right now I am scared to do anything. I want to see how this dui plays out and see if it will help me with a custody case. This little baby is my life and I would rather make sure she is safe.

Pajarito

I can relate to this. I was worried about dd- how could I subject her to divorce? Wasn't it better to tough it out with AH in the hopes he would wake up? I soon realized he might never wake up. However- I could finally see that life without the chaos was better for my dd as well as ME. How was I behaving with AH and all the problems that go along with alcoholism? Unfortunately I know I was becoming someone I did not like. What kind of role model was I being for dd? When I realized I was showing her what my mom showed me- that suffering is acceptable, that doing everything while AH sat around, complained, slept on the couch, that living half a life was ok. . . well- I woke up. I firmly believe that dd will be better off with one healthy parent than with 2 dysfunctional parents living in the chaos.

Startingover2

Yes, he does live here and his kids are here 3 days a week. I know I am not doing a darn thing about this but when I look into my babies eyes I cannot imagine letting her go. Sure I will get out of this mess, but she will be stuck in it with nobody to protect her.

starflier

From the disaster you're describing him to be, it sounds like the only reason he is able to have his kids 3 days a week is because you keep his life intact. Maybe you should get some legal advice, but wouldn't you simply take your baby with you? He may have absolutely no desire to have to assume responsibility for a baby. Please don't live in fear. Get the facts you need to make rational choices.

Pajarito

I've been afraid too- that STBXAH would take dd away from me. He has no dui, however he did go to treatment. I suspect yours would not want to take care of a baby- a lot of work. From what I have read here, I imagine you could get physical custody and he would have visitation, but perhaps supervised? I agree that you need to talk to a lawyer about it. I have found over and over that my fears stem from the unknown. Once I get my facts straight, my fears lessen. As they say- knowledge is power.

i4getsm

Start documenting his drinking habits now - money spent at bars, on alcohol, etc. Keep track of the time he is with the kids. Is he drinking when they are with him? Seriously document anything you think may enable you to prove what is really going on. Pictures of him passed out or drunk, the DUI info, etc.

Believe me, I had the same exact concerns. Your child is very young. I would talk to another lawyer. I think you may have more of a chance, at a minimum, of supervised visits than you might think.

It is a horrible position to be in. I know all too well. It is a very difficult balance to provide your daughter a relationship with her father and to keep her safe. (((HUGS)))

OverItNow

why are you so certain he would GET partial custody of children he can't even care for today

Anvilhead,

This bit was so powerful to me. I think a lot of us fear joint custody, and to me it always seemed a given, however, if they can't even get it together to work, drive, just live without alcohol, why would they take the steps necessary to even seek or fight for joint custody? Just wanted to highlight this because it what you said is something that I am ashamed to say, I never even considered. Thank you!

Barbara52

Another thing to remember in thinking about custody is that there can be joint custody of the children but with only one parent having physical custody. This can mean the non-custodial parent has legal right and participates in decision making but does not have the children actually staying with them.