Reddmax

Well, the 30k is roughly what it will cost me to get a divorce.

15 K for the loss on the house, if we have to sell

10-12k for debt

5-8 k for the lawyer

I think I have a plan to reduce my living expenses for a while, but it will be hard.

so that's the 30 k

Breaking up the routine is hard because I'm the only responsible one in the house. The AW is traveling right now, and left the house in a mess. I have 3 dogs, and I'm the one that has to care for them. The daughter regards the whole situation as an affront to her life, and stays away except to sleep at the house.

starflier

OMG, my youngest daughter feels the same way about our house, except she sleeps at her boyfriend's house more than she sleeps at home.

Okay, I understand the 30k thing, but I wonder how much it's costing you to stay in your current situation. Cost in self-respect, damage to you from the stress and heartache, and stealing years from your life.

Lilyflower

Cost of a divorce - $30K, cost of regaining my inner peace and sanity - priceless.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

Is your AW going to fight the divorce? If not, heck it shouldn't cost anywhere near $5-8K. I spend a whopping $1K on my divorce. You can do the whole thing yourself if you can get her to agree to things. Write up your own settlement agreement. There are many ways to lessen the cost of a divorce.

Reddmax

My guess is that she wouldn't take it easily or nicely. But what do I know...

Redd

Lilyflower

You don't until you try...

meanwhile you are stuck in a place of indeciveness (sp??), wavering between should I shouldn't I? One thing my therapist told me that hit home was, by making no decision at all, you are making the decision that all that is happening to you is ok, that she is ok and that you will remain in this circle. No action is still an action.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

When I made the decision to divorce, I talked with an attorney over the phone. He talked with me for 30-40 minutes at no charge. Many will do this. Then I bought the book "Do Your Own Divorce in California" by Nolo Press. They have them for every state. My plan was to start the process on my own, and hire the attorney if it started to get ugly or complicated. And it almost did. But, patience paid off and he signed a Marital Settlement Agreement that I drafted myself with guidance from the book/website. It may or may not work out that way for you, but no sense paying a retainer up front (that's what most attorney's want) if you don't need to. You can always hire one later if need be........

L

Jazzman

I went through a divorce a few years ago and I too was concerned about her mental/emotional/physical health/ability to provide for herself. In my case I was over reacting to my own fears and worries. It turns out that a person has to be pretty bad off to make a difference in alimony or support payments. In VA it was a simple calculation plugging the numbers to an established formula. Since these domestic laws differ from state to state I was wondering if you have talked to a lawyer yet?

Reddmax

Not yet. While it has been 4 days since the last major crisis, I'm getting hints that the AW is beginning to feel that she doesn't "need" counseling. That's why I'm expressing my thoughts and emotions on here. However, she has been traveling, and will be traveling till Saturday morning.

My bet, following my gut, is that sometime this weekend she will say " I only said I'd go to counseling because you put me on a guilt trip. It was no big deal." Actually it was a very big deal. But, be that as it may, probably next week I will be interviewing several legal representatives.

The big shocker will be if she decisively decides to start counseling and a recovery program.

GiveLove

Red,

I thought you were willing to give her the house because you couldn't sell it for what you have into it? That doesn't sound like losing 15K to me. That sounds like making 15K. Anyway.

GL

Jazzman

Actually, M voluntarily went into detox weeks before a planned intervention. Threw me for a loop, (possibly part of her plan?). Sadly that turned out to be her 1st of 3 attempts at detox.

I would make plans based on your gut feelings and not the whims of an active addict that can change with the tides, phase of the moon, time of day, yada, yada...

starflier

Ain't that the truth!

Reddmax

I am willing to give her the house, depending on the rest of the settlement. However, she may want to make life difficult, stick me with the house, and live elsewhere with someone else. I don't want that. So, the worst possibility is we sell and take the loss.

LaTeeDa

As long as you keep running through "possible scenarios" in your head, you will make yourself crazy. Consulting with an attorney will ease your mind and you will feel much more empowered when you have the facts.

L