needtolearn

I'm all mixed up, and messed up on the inside.

Before I get started, can someone recommend a good forum for people that have depression?

Okay, this might not read good, because I'm a mess right now, and I'm trying to make sense of my feelings, and make them make sense.

BTW, why do I feel the need to be a perfectionist about expressing my feelings? And why is expressing my feelings so hard? I cry because I feel so misunderstood, or that people think I'm stronger than I am, but I don't let people see or know how I really, I mean REALLY, feel.

I've been in such a state of grief with my exABF. I couldn't handle the grief, so I had an idea. I thought, maybe I could get a counselor to mediate a conversation between us, really me expressing my grief, and asking him closure questions. But I knew how he would feel about it, maybe ganged up on, and I wanted to respect his feelings (although he doesn't respect mine), and so after A LOT of debating, I called him to tell him about my grief, and see if he would agree to meet with our mutual couselor, or could we hash it out between us.

Well, I called him, he was with a friend, and he was cool but polite. When he called back, SURPRISE, SURPRISE he was half drunk. Usually I would hang up, but I stayed on, and he started out telling me how heartbroken he was, and after telling his friend "Yeah, it's my ex, the one that ABANDONED ME", he went on to say that he "pooped" all over us and our relationship (one of the REAL AND TRUE things he said)...it was long, it was tear filled on my end, I think tears on his end, but it was one of the most heartbreaking conversations I've ever had, and heard. In a weird, perverse, way, it did answer my questions. And bottom line, he's not ready to get clean.

Actually, it's a lot worse. He's gone back to cocaine. I can't believe I'm typing this. He didn't say it directly. He told me there was a small thing. I demanded that he tell me. He told me he sold his brand new TV to a dealer...I just kept saying "NO, NO...." and I was angry and in shock then, but now I'm crying again.

You know what...outwardly I've been doing well for myself. I'm recovering in my own life. I'm poor, and trying to find new jobs. I'm taking control of what needs to be. I've been working so hard, too hard. I haven't been taking care of myself mentally or emotionally, and running myself ragged physcially. I haven't seen my therapist in a month. I can't tell her all that I feel about him, because I don't trust her with it, and because she used to be his therapist, she can't even talk to me about him at all. No feedback, nothing.

I don't have family or friends, as I've mentioned. I work, and I'm not making ends meet. I'm grieving a relationship that SHOULD HAVE WORKED if not for the addiction. I didn't know he was active in it, and when I found out, at first he said he would surrender, then he didn't, and it took reading and writing here to realize, and with the last phone call, realizing, that I probably will never see him again. He's not allowed to call me, and now that he's got drug dealers in his life again, I don't want my number on his phone! I'm scared for myself, and for him.

But mostly, I sit here in my apartment, the phone doesn't ring anymore, and I just want to curl up and die. But I have to keep working. I walk such a tightrope financially, living check to check. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel, and I just want to stop, but I have to keep going. I feel like I can't just curl up and die.

I love this man, I genuinely LIKED him, and I found him sexy as hell. But I'll admit it here and now; I NEEDED HIM. He NEEDED ME. We both (so I thought) were in the process of rebuilding our lives from depression, and bad life experiences. I thought we could be a comfort to each other, and fun for and with each other. I remember when I first let him call me, and agreed to go out with him, that he would be a nice "commerical break" from the sadness of rebuilding my life. I didn't expect to fall for him so fast and hard. He fell for me too, (as much as he could I guess). We didn't expect it at all. But I know it was real, and that's why I held on.

You know, there are so many things that people could say about our situation, but this isn't about psycho-babble and labels, co-dependency, blah blah. This is a about a human being needing the comfort and love of another human being. This is about a human being being denied of comfort and love, because the other human being is selfish, and self destructive. This is about a human being deserving the best, and constantly receiving the worst. And this is about a human being that is dying inside from a form of grief that is new to her, and she's helpless to do anything about it. I'm so angry and hurt, and sad. This morning, I was ready to emotionally move on, and yet, here I am. And if I found out he was dead, it would kill me. I don't know how I could cope.

This is about me wanting and needing love, HIS LOVE so badly, and having to acknowledge, and accept that it's gone, he's gone, and I have to put on a brave face, when I just want to curl up and die. It's too much to handle! I can't do it.

LaTeeDa

I'm here to tell you that you CAN do it. And, even better, you don't have to do it all NOW. You can do it a little at a time. First thing, from what you have said, is get a new counselor. You need someone to help you, and you need to be able to trust that person absolutely. That is your mission right now.

Once you have accomplished that, you can take another small step out of your dark place. One thing at a time. Don't look at the whole process of rebuilding ahead of you. Just look at the next thing you need to do. Then do it.

Grieving will not kill you, although it feels that way sometimes. You don't need to put on a brave face. You don't need to be perfect. You are perfect just the way you are. You are a human being.

Hugs to you as you trudge through the darkness and into the light. ((()))

L

deezaldog

You can do it. You are not alone. I also am alone and lonely. I was in an unhealthy relationship and he kicked me aside after I got sober. I know I am better off but the lonliness can be overwhelming and I wonder what is wrong with me and what did I do wrong or could have done better. All the self doubts can be overwhelming. What you described does not sound like a healthy relationship. When someone starts to sell belongings for drugs they must be in a desperate state. If you take him back what could come missing from your home? Getting health physically and mentally takes work on yourself, can you do it with someone who is unhealthy as well? It is ok to acknowledge you are miserable. Holding back can only make you feel worse and erupt later. I have found this sight to be a great source of support. Someone is always online to reach out to. Believe that you are worth love.

prodigal

I can totally sympathize and understand your position. I have been dead-dirt broke and I've known what it is to be alone. I've spent holidays and birthdays alone so often that I've lost count.

I couldn't do much about my looney family who kicked me to the curb. But I could do something about developing friendships. It takes time, but it is worth it. First, I began by realizing that no single human being is capable of meeting all my unmet needs. Second, I began getting outside of my own problems and my own issues by trying to help other folks. Instead of always being about me, me, me, I started trying to help other people to the best of my limited abilities.

Like LTD said, there is no need to try to figure it all out at once. How about starting with trying Al-Anon? Is unemployment a big problem in your area, or do you think you need more training in order to get a better job?

Right now you are feeling abandoned, lonely, betrayed, and broke. Of course you feel depressed. I've been there and I sure as heck felt depressed too! I had to decide that I wasn't going to stay in that pit. You may need to try an antidepressant for the time being, but it doesn't have to be a permanent solution.

And you sure don't need an addict in your life. You need to be surrounded by positive people who can support you. Bravery is not doing something in the absence of fear; it's doing something even when we're most fearful.

Please keep posting. We want to help you in any way we can.

peaceteach

(((Need)))

Your post touched my heart. I can "feel" your pain in your eloquent words. Sending you a loving mom-hug and a prayer that you continue to "walk the walk" until it becomes your new normal and your life opens up to joy again. You ARE making it, honey, even though you think you aren't. That's just the way it is at first. Hang in there

needtolearn

Thanks for the compassionate responses. It was just what I needed. I feared I'd get a bunch of "Why did you call him, you're so stupid".

Anyway, I do have some wording to take to my counselor, abandoned betrayed, lonely, BROKE. Those are all spot on.

New counselor, not so easy. I see her through the V.A. and it's free for me. I don't want to start with someone new frankly through there. Maybe I can talk to her about some things, and find another avenue for others?

Just like any relationship, there is no "one stop shopping" person. (oh if only human relationships were like Super Walmarts, smilel).

I do need to volunteer or do something for others. I'm way too isolated. I don't mean to sound like an Opera singer (Me Me Me Me). I'm just learning to express myself, and assert my needs for the first real time in life.

Anyway, I feel cared about, thank you all so much. I can make it through tonight, and I will take slower steps and not rush the process of it all.

Kindeyes

The changes in your life that you are trying to adapt to are difficult. We understand. All of us have either been through it or are trudging through it with you. We take it one day at a time. And when that seems impossible, we take it one minute at a time. Healing is an individual process and we all do it at our own pace.

Reading your post, I could feel the anguish but it also was an awakening. An honest confessional of sorts.......progress in your own self exploration.

gentle hugs

Sweetiepie1

It is an upseting situation to be in but I echo Prodigal.

Doing a night class would get you out, give you a focus and something to keep your mind off him and you'll be meeting people too. If you throw yourself into it and do well you'll get a great sense of achievement and if it's vocational you might even find a better job and ease your financial situation.

It migh be a bit outside your comfort zone at first (it was for me) it might not suit everyone but I found going back to school hugely beneficial to me in all the ways listed above.