anubus

OKAY.........after reading all your posts, I have my courage up........it's 3 pm, and he's still in bed. SO........what do i do.....when he wakes up, just say "Honey you are an alcoholic and you can't stay here anymore"??????? Simple as that??? Does he even understand what that means?? Or does he believe his denial, that everyone else is to blame? I just don't understand this crazy desease. Where I come from, people TALK. This crazy alcohol thing, they HIDE their feelings.

AND......BIG QUESTION......ARE YOU GUYS GONNA *BE HERE* for MY support if I DO this??????? I'm gonna be lonely and falling apart at the seams!! Plus have an acre of grass to cut.......lol.

HELP!!!

respektingme

anabus,

How many lies has he told you..... and how may times did you believe him?

So you think he'd KNOW if you reported him to the police??? You mean, you couldn't say that you didn't?? You know, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it?". You can't lie one time to protect yourself? Because in all honesty, I'm sure there are more people than just you who knows he's got a warrant out for his arrest. And I'm sure the possibility does exist for it to be someone other than you. And as long as that possibility exists, he CAN NOT for certain say it was you.

Just act surprised! And don't do it right after a fight. When things are cool, just do it. You could save someone's life on the road, his life, or at least your own.

respektingme

Heck no you're not alone. My counselor said there are types of people who talk about the elephant in the room, and those who pretend not to notice. All of my AH's family is the latter. My family is the prior. Alcoholics reallllllly like the latter.

starflier

Of COURSE everyone will still be here! And everyone will support your decision. But, try not to make this big pronouncement to him that he must leave and then let him back in again. Don't make the pronouncement until you have the tools in place to make it work. For example, maybe there's someone who could come and stay with you for a while after he leaves so you're not scared?

anubus

respektingme........ YES.......I'm the only person who knows about the warrant. He hid it VERY well, all these years. He only opened up to me for HELP. I think he really thought I could "fix" it, make it go away.....ya know? And it was REALLY hard for him to confide in me about it. It took MONTHS. He trusted me enough to tell his deepest problems to, and it was extremely hard for him to do, I know. I guess that's why I feel so much like I would be breaking his confidentuality if I turned him in. After he told me, I did confide in his mom & my boss/minister, only because I knew they wouldn't say anything, and wanted to help him. But if I turned him in, yes he would definately know it was me. I just can't break his trust like that. Plus I am a terrible liar.......he could read it in my face.

He's a very safe driver, dispite his drinking.......therefore I guess I underestimate the possiblity of the worst happening, or that this culd hurt somebody else. He mostly drinks at home, and when he does drive he's slower than a turtle.

But thank you for the advise!

bookwyrm

Hi Anubus!

Welcome!

I have a couple of suggestions for you. Have you read all the stickies at the top of the forum? There are some amazing stories there and lots of good advice. Its really eye opening and a great place to start in trying to work outr how to stop enabling and start helping!

Another thing would be to try and get a hold of Melody Beattie's book Co-dependent No More. It will help you get to grips with what enabling behaviour really is and how to break out of the 'dance' of living with an alcoholic.

If you don't like your local Al Anon meeting, what about one to one counselling?

You're not alone in dealing with an alcoholic partner here and we're all here to listen when you need someone to 'talk' to, or even just vent!

:ghug2

Chrysalis123

My XAH was a very safe driver too. Have no idea how many times he drove drunk... a lot considering how many times he was drunk coming home. I say was, because one night he rolled his vehicle onto a guard rail, it slid 50 feet and rolled three more times. The accident crushed a limb and caused severe chest trauma. He should have died but only lost a limb and it was a miracle no one else was involved. The first thing the docs asked me was how bad of an alkie was he. I didn't know he was becuase I thought he only went out to party every now and then. At that time I didn't connect all the dysfunction of our marriage to the addiction. The docs told me if he went into withdrawls in his condition he would probably die. His Blood alcohol was almost 3X the limit and he tested positive for amphetimes and pot. He denies it all, says the tox report was wrong, and never has told our kids why he wears a prosthetic limb. I had a talk with them recently because guess who showed up chugging a beer while driving the car with a kid in the back? INSANITY.

One thing I have learned in my recovery is this:

Say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean. I find it a very handy saying because I was the "nice" lady that over-helped until it about did me in. I should have won a gold medal for empty threats. I got so damn messed up dealing with this....it is so much bigger than me.

Any how, I can say what I mean and mean what I say now....still working on the not saying it mean because I am still angry at XAH and angry at myself for letting it go on for 18 years. But as they say around here," progress not perfection".

endzoner

slow dont always mean safe! but yes were here , and not going any wheres

Barbara52

There is no such thing as a drunk safe driver!

Beyond that, are you willing to go to jail for this man? Harboring him is a crime that can involve jail time.

Do you enjoy making sure he has zero motivation to change? Why should he do anything for himself since he has you providing everything he needs to be comfortable? Do you enjoy being the only responsible adult in your relationship?

Please look at your life as it is not as you wish and hope it can be. Decide if that is what you want and act appropriately with that decision.

And yes, this wonderful group of people is here to support you. That's why we're here to give and receive support.

RosieM

Hi, An -
Your posts are bringing tears to my eyes. I know you are a kind soul and only want the best for the guy- but dear heart, this man is not going to change. My XAH was the best guy in the world and I loved him so much for many years, but he got dragged into this disease and started drinking and driving and it ended very badly, despite all his promises. I still am grappling with the outcome - just can't believe it some days.

You will do what you need to do when you are ready. But as bad as things are now, believe me, they can get worse. I don't want to frighten you - but so many of us here have lived through things we never imagined would happen. It might make you feel better to start making lists and plans on what you would do to separate yourself from this situation. That helped get the ball rolling for me when I was ready.

Pick-a-name

You,his mother,the police,....

Hi;glad you are here. Perhaps you can just start out by having the pastor get the car back. If not, I'd let him (Abf) know that he can no longer drive it. If nothing else,the owner should want the car away from him to protect himself from legal problems,etc. (and who wants an alcoholoc driving their car,even if no one else was one the road? SOunds like a sure way to mess up a car.)
If he drives something after that (probable) then I think a call to the local authorities would be in order,and THEY can handle it. Just do not bail him out of jail,if and when he call;imho.

For you,reading and posting and learning about alcoholism would be where I would recommend starting....at least that is what I did. The Getting Them Sober books (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for online preview chapters) have helped me with simple "baby steps" of actual things I could do to stop enabling and start recovery for myself,too. "Under the Influence" is a great book,too. imo Codependent No More is great,too but I was not ready to hear what it had to say the first time I read it,but many here were.

I think it is great you are here;hope you stick around. It helps me sooooo much.

RosieM

This place, the therapist and Al Anon meetings were great for me as well. Also the Melody Beattie books on codependency. My friends and relatives got a little tired of hearing about everything from me so I didn't loop them in as much after awhile - but SR was always welcoming and a great place to get stuff off my chest.

anubus

Oh my gosh, you guys are GREAT.....THANK YOU over & over again!! EVERYONE.....the posts are VERY helpful!!

Okay......I made a small baby step today. at happened was, I drove my car to the store (the same car HE drove yesterday drunk). My gas tank is broken, so i use the trip milage to tell when I need gas. He knows this of course. SO......guess who put the trip milage to zero when he got home yesterday??? I was SO mad......I had just put gas in it yesterday, have NO idea how far he drove, so had to put gas in it again today!!

SO.....when I got home after my trip to the store, he denied it, of course.
So I point blank told him that he was an alcoholic, needed to check himself into rehab and/or turn himself in......and that if he didn't do it himself, that I was going to do it for him. I tried REALLY hard to "say it like I mean it, and not say it mean" (thank you Chrysalis123.......I like that saying). And I do intend on sticking to it this time, no matter what. This is SO funny but when I was saying this, he never spoke a word. Then he just got up & started taking the GARBAGE out :wtf2...........????? It kinda reminded me of when I confronted my X-husband (the sober adult child), he would start fixing his hair obsessively......he would do that every time, and I never could figure it out. What a freaking crazy desease!!!

He's in the breezeway right now (his safe haven) so I have no idea what he has in mind this time. Sleep out there, go somewhere else, or just wait until I calm down & the grass needs cut again.......lol. But I DO intend on sticking to this.....if he doesn't make a move on his own, I'll turn him in myself. I can't take anymore, and honestly I think HE can't take it anymore either.

Oddly, I have the book "Codependant No More". I bought it at a garage sale years ago, tried to read it when I was going through this with my X, but for some reason I didn't get too much out of it. Maybe it just wasn't time, but I will read it again now. And also read the sticky's and other posts here as you all suggested. And :praying like heck.....I REALLY hope this has a happy ending for him. I've always felt that him coming into my life (weird story) was no accident, like he was sent to me from God. Recently I've been questioning WHY GOD?????? So I'm still praying that he gets the help he needs, and this ends well for us.

Please keep the info & encouragement up, I REALLY need the help right now!!

anubus

(bump)

Taking5

Anabus!

High five baby! I am so proud of you. Keep posting we are here for your support.

anubus

Thank you. He stayed out in the breezeway until about 1 am, then came to bed like nothing ever happened. I had to work early this morning, just came home, and asked him if he'd thought about what I said last night. His response was "ALL NIGHT", so then I asked him what he was going to do. He said "I don't know." AGAIN told him I was serious this time....he either needs to go to rehab/turn himself in, or I would do it for him. He just said meanly "Okay you made your point".
Depending on how things go, I'm planning to give him 1 week, then turn him in. It may be sooner, I'm just playing it by ear. But I'm dead serious this time.

Barbara52

I'll only point out that every day that goes by without you following thru with action is another day that tells him you are not serious.

starflier

I hear myself in you so strongly it's eerie. I have said those words too many times to count. As a matter of fact, I'm living in the middle of my own "depending on how things go" right now.

I've related all this in another thread, but I told my AP that in order for me to continue in our relationship, I need her to stop drinking and begin an earnest recovery plan. Because her brother (whom she's never really known) is staying with us for the summer, I agreed that it was "too much" for her to stop drinking with him here. She says she'll stop drinking when he leaves.

Even though I know that the only honest words an alcoholic ever speaks are, "I want a drink," I agreed to that. It's a long story, but I feel like I owe her this summer with her brother. Do I really believe that she'll quit drinking when the summer is over? Not even slightly. So, I'm living in this weird limbo land, learning how to detach and take care of myself. And, working on our house with the idea of selling it in the fall.

On Tuesday I have my first meeting with my new therapist. I have high hopes that she'll turn out to be as great as she seems. And, I've moved into the spare bedroom, stopped buying alcohol for the house, and quit drinking myself.

Please make sure that you take care of yourself. If you're serious about what you've told the alcoholic in your life, take all the steps you can to make sure you're safe and secure so you can follow through when the time comes.

<hugs>

cautious

Anubus, I'm guessing you're not quite ready for my response to what I'm reading from you, but I hope you will be shortly:

You owe this guy nothing. You get nothing from him. Buy him a couple boxes of groceries, pay for a week in a motel, AND CALL IT A DAY. You've got a life to live.

anubus

Hi Barbara....This is a very difficult step for me, and as mentioned in previous posts, he rarely leaves the house so turning him in requires the police to pick him up HERE....therefore it makes me even more uncomfortable (for some reason, even though I did tell him I was going to do it, I still feel uncomfortable about being the one to do it).
His mother actually came up with the 1 week time frame. I phoned her this morning from work and told her everything that happened last night. I asked her if she felt I was wrong for turning him in, and she agrees it's the best thing to do for him. But she asked me to wait 1 week......she is doing some religious nivina (spelling) thing, and it will be over in 4 days. The nivina is for him to realize he needs to deal with this on his own. I know it sounds crazy, but she believes in it, so I decided to give her that much. Who knows, with God ALL things are possible, right?
If he does go out sometime before then (I can assure you it won't be MY car), or sneaks beer, or whatever......I will call the police sooner. Also, I might be crazy even thinking this, but I do feel he is on the verge of going either one way or the other. His mom even seemed to feel that way.....she thinks he'll either "fly the coop" or decide to face this.
But yes I hear your post.....even his mom said "You've said this so many times before.".......ugh, and ain't it the truth