dor5711

OK so supposedly he was doing really well...no drinking....but he says he can't stay at his mom's anymore cos they are driving him crazy. So he makes some calls and finds another sober house. He went there today and got tested and spoke to a counselor. They are supposed to have a bed tomorrow. So being the wonderful stupid person i am I said he could stay here tonight. So he comes, supposedly goes to a meeting and comes back.....he honestly seemed completely sober so I give him some dinner. He goes out to his truck to get some clean clothes so he can take a shower. I don't know what made me follow him out but I find a COLD can of beer in the front seat. He tries to tell me that it was his brother's but he's been here for 4 hours and how can it still be cold and no condensation on it.........So I flipped and said he needs to leave. And of course I get the "i have no where to go, I need a shower, I have no money, etc." And I told him I didn't care and that it wasn't my problem. Whether or not he actually drank anything is another story. I also found out that his mom saw him going into a liquor store and she packed up his stuff and threw him out BUT he then called me from there this afternoon (caller id). When I asked him about that, he said he knew the owners of that strip of stores and he was looking for work....but why go into the liquor store? I don't get why his mom would let him into the house if she threw him out???? I feel stupid once again. When will I learn?


Doreen

rivka

Wow. Sounds like you DID learn. You activated your boundaries.
You asked him to leave when you saw evidence of his lying and resorting to previous addict behaviors. That is the best thing for YOU.

I'm no expert, but I believe that is what you are SUPPOSED TO DO, in an effort to "not enable" the alcoholic, right?

(Someone else chime in here if you can provide Doreen with confirmation of what is the correct process!!)

I'm proud of you though. You could have:
Ignored it completely
Placated him and made it "ok to slip" with you
or
Thrown out the beer and not said a word

But you chose to take your life back, and THAT is a huge step.
It doesn't matter what DIDN'T happen,
Look at the power you have to control your own life.
Fantastic.
Step by step, day by day.
That's all you can ask of yourself.

Keep posting and let us know how it goes.

(((hugs)))

rivka

dor5711

Why do I feel so guilty? I know I did the right thing and I know I will not allow that into my life again. But I do feel guilty cos he doesn't have money or anywhere to go.

laurie6781

You did the correct thing. His not having any money and no where to go is HIS PROBLEM. He caused it, now he has to take the responsibility for it.

Gee, guess he's going to sleep in his truck, oh well, so sad, too bad.

If I sound cynical........................................... well maybe I am, but remember I lived the last year and a half of the my drinking career on the streets of Hollyweird.

He's a big boy, he's an adult. His responsibility.

Not a reason in the world to feel sorry for him Doreen. You did good. Your program in action.

WAY TO GO!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

bookwyrm

Well done for sticking to your boundaries!

Guilt is your codie habits trying to get the better of you. As Laurie said, he's a big boy now, he can look after himself!
:codiepolice

dor5711

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. Maybe it's not guilt....I think maybe I just feel sorry for him that he is in this predicament but it is his doing. Thanks for the positive words. I needed them!

Doreen

Kindeyes

Doreen
You made a wee little slip but as soon as you recognized his deception (and that's what it was.....manipulation and deception), you corrected the situation!!!!!! I'll ditto that it was YOUR recovery that gave you the strength to hold your boundaries. No need to feel sorry for him.....he has created the situation for himself and he needs to FEEL the consequences of his actions.

As the mother of an (r)a, I can't tell you how many times I have to tell myself "let him feel the pain". It's sooooooo hard sometimes! And I mess up sometimes. (I messed up just yesterday....but that's another story.) It's most likely not guilt you are feeling. I usually feel remorseful after I screw up and beat myself up too (mentally). But it gets me back on track and gets my focus back where it needs to be.

I don't feel sorry for my son.....I am saddened......I am sorry for the things I did to enable him but I can't change the past so I don't dwell on it. "Relapse" for a codie is a lot harder to recognize sometimes than "relapse" for an A. Ours is a behavioral relapse....theirs is a usage relapse.

You are NOT stupid. You are HUMAN.

gentle hugs

Barbara52

You did fine! Do not expect perfection out of yourself. You can't be perfect anymore than I or anyone else.

As for the guilt, well I do think that is part of co-dependency and, ifyou happen to fall into it, being an ACOA too. You can learn to disable the guilt tendencies in yourself. I am working on that area myself. For me its more generalized guilt. Oddly I have felt little guilt for the actions I have taken concerning my xAH and his impending homelesness that will result form his choices.

LostGuy

Doreen, I think you did great too. I love the list that Rivka posted of other things you could have done. I had so many false starts and I definitely struggle with that uneasy feeling of guilt/sadness/whatever-it-is. I think it is human that we find it uncomfortable (to put it mildly) to see a loved one hurting and have to detatch from that. Like Barb said, few of us would claim we are doing this perfectly.

Sweetiepie1

I can understand that you feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for my exab. It is a tragedy but I'll be damned if it's going to be mine and my childrens tragedy too

respektingme

Hey, he has a truck. He's not absolutely destitute. He does have choices. They all do. He chose this, not you. He is choosing to live in his truck. Could be hot in there, but that's what he chose.

NYC_Chick

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing. It seems you are to the point where it's him or you and you picked YOU, so that is huge progress!!!

hadenoughnow

The mean time between letting him back in and throwing him out is getting shorter and shorter so you are getting there :ghug3