nowwhat

I am not sure this is an issue for this board, but here goes anyhow.

I am having a very difficult time with meeting new people and making friends.

In a former life, this wasn't an issue.

Ever since my XAH and I moved here (where my family lives), I have been so incredibly alone.

I used to think it was because I was so bogged down with parenting everyone with no help--X traveled for work and when he was home, he was too "tired" to deal with much.

Post divorce, I am still alone so much that it makes me feel a little crazy. I have a BF. I see him a couple of nights a week.

In the mean time, I'm parenting two small children, a high maintenance teen, have no real friends and my family turns out to be special occasions only.

I'm sad, lonely, and have such low energy and overwhelmed with responsibilities. I don't know how to fix this, but I know it needs to be fixed.

How?

dor5711

I understand totally. I used to have alot of friends. Of course, when I got divorced that changed things since I wasn't a couple anymore. I've known my ASO for 8 years and I honestly believe that was a big part of not having friends. I made him my life and the last 3 years when he was actively drinking, I couldn't take the chance of having friends. On the good side, these past few days, I have really re-evaluated what I want and have reconnected with some old friends. In fact, I'm meeting one to go walking starting Monday morning. It makes me feel really good and positive about me even if my life is still so uncertain..............

Doreen

miss communicat

Hi, nowwhat;

Isolation is a really good topic for this board. So is lonliness and sadness and feeling overwhelmed and alone.

When I was a single mom, I felt the same way. I had no support from family, and life was like a constant struggle for me. I struggled to make ends meet, and to establish a career while raising my daughter who had mental health issues. All of this was exttremely challenging, and I felt the sense of never being at peace within. My friends were mostly married or else still into partying, and I did not know how to develop a social life with them because I was newly sober. Boyfriends never lasted because I was so stressed out.

I never realised how much I isolated and withdrew from everybody over the years until I got back into AA recovery nearly 3 years ago. I think, for me, although being in solitude feels very peaceful, I now reaize how vital it is to maintain connections with people and with the world. Luckily, through AA and the people I interact with in my daily work, I am never isolated or cut off from spirit.

It might be a great idea for you to take a class or even just start doing more outdoor fun things where there are others. Soon, you will make some friends.

lizw

I can relate to what your saying but at the same time I have also found I can want to 'be social' too much, because I have a hard time being alone, i.e just me and my teenage daughter.

How's that to drive one crazy? An isolater who can't stand herself. lol.
But honestly that is what it is like, sometimes.

Do you have any hobbies? What kinds of stuff do you do for yourself?

I think my idea of what isolation is has changed too. My head tells me isolating is staying home all the time, but that is not true for me. Isolating, for me, is not being honest with the people I do have in my life about how I am feeling.

For example, I went and visited my sister the other day and I was quite tired, I've health problems but instead of telling her this, I raved on about how she should look after her dog. Crazy? Well, yeah. But this is the kind of stuff I do. Thank god I can claim 'progress not perfection', a few years ago I would have also been offended when my sister did not put my good advice to use!

:bounce

Sweetiepie1

Sometimes we isolate because we are embarassed for others to see what is going on. We make excuses not to attend social events with Apartners and become less likely to invite people to our homes. Once into this pattern it becomes an effort to get back into a social circle where previously existing relationships were easy and natural.

bookwyrm

I'm isolated and mainly lonely still living with my AH.

I found that he has slwoly and gradually over 18 years 'encouraged' me to lose contact with all of my friends - he's been trying to work on cutting off family but I'm holding on. It helps that things have broken down between us. Back when he was 'functioning' I let him manipulate me into cutting myself off, only socialising with his friends etc, something I really regret. I used to feel so worthless and self conscious that I thought no one would want to be friends with me! Well, no more. I'm done with valuing the thoughts and opinions of a drunk over my own.

This forum helps - I'm not alone in being alone!!

respektingme

nowwhat,

I can relate to what you are going through because I've always moved a lot. I've found, as a rule of thumb, that it takes one whole year to finally feel settled in a new place and to start meeting people. And I've found that people aren't usually too receptive when someone comes on too strong. It helps to see the same people on a regular basis so the connections happen naturally. Then you can build on that.

So, if you can pick something you are interested in, a group of sorts that meets regularly, or a class, etc., perhaps you'll start meeting more people.

Good luck. That stinks. Feels awful to feel so all alone

nowwhat

My X definitely did turn off people, not with his addiction so much as with his arrogance, bragging and general big shot type of behavior.

Now I have these small children, which make it difficult to get out for groups, hobbies, etc.

My BF is a good guy, but I'm not entirely sure I'm with him for the right reasons. I enjoy his company a lot, but am not sure the relationship will go in the direction I think I want (marriage). He makes a lot of money (doctor) and I don't (teacher with X's debts) and I'm afraid if I tried to date others or pursue friends/hobbies, I wouldn't have the money to pay for a sitter or whatever. BF pays right now, for everything, because I really have very little disposable income.

As much as I enjoy our relationship, I don't enjoy feeling like he's the only adult in my life, and that I'm pretty dependent upon him to have any time away from my children.

Would it be nuts to attend Alanon with the intention of making friends, even though my marriage is over?

Chrysalis123

I don't think it would be nuts to attend Alanon for what ever reason. I have found that the main benefit of alanon for me is the healing of my spirit. A secondary benefit is that I get to practice all the skills that were out of whack in me due to my codependence. Such as: honestly sharing my inner thoughts, asking for help, coming out of isolation, labeling feelings, etc. Making friends is happening oh so slowly, but is a side benefit of Alanon for me.

miss communicat

No. It is similarly beneficial for the Alcoholic to continue to "attend" AA (ie, work a program of personal recovery) long after the alcohol consumption is gone to heal the root "isms".

For the Addict/Alcoholic the ism (I, Self, + Me) remains if left untreated.

For the Codependent, long after the qualifier is gone from the scene, the root patterns and tendencies remain, and ESPECIALLY if you recognize the need for fellowship, then go to Alanon. Let it be for YOU, rather than to fix the marriage.

bravo!

Kindeyes

I'll echo Miss Communicat here......going to Alanon for YOU is a great idea. In fact, it should be the primary reason for going to Alanon......you go for you not the A....and it doesn't make any difference if you are no longer with the A.....you have children with him so he is still tied to you and you will still have to deal with him. You may still be well entrenched in the "dance" without realizing it. It is very possible that there will be someone else in your same predicament.....they have children and don't have the resources for a babysitter. You could take turns helping each other out at zero cost.

As far as the cost of classes goes, I have taken classes at our local community college. They are "life enrichment" courses as there is no college credit associated with it. The cost is usually very reasonable and you can explore a different interest each quarter.

I've made a dulcimer, learned to water color, learned how to design a web page, and more. There are usually so many classes offered that I want to take that I have trouble deciding. It's tremendous fun and it's usually only one night a week so the time commitment isn't great.

gentle hugs

LostGuy

I might add to eveyone else's advice, don't be too hard on yourself. I am struggling with rebuilding a social network too now that I am out of an isolating marriage to an A. and in an empty, new apartment by myself instead of living with my parents. And I don't have the work of raising three kids and keeping a relationship going! I guess it is all part of the process.

respektingme

nowwhat,

You can go to Al-Anon. But do you want to spend hours a week talking about how your ex's alcohol effected you? Or spend hours talking to others about how their spouses drinking effects them? I mean, go and try it out.

But please consider some thing that will empower you. How about Tai Kwon Do classes? Aerobic classes? Book clubs? Community college courses? meeting.com has groups that meet over lots of stuff in your area.

miss communicat

have YOU been to alanon? This (sitting around focused on the alcoholic) does not sound like the alanon I have experienced.

respektingme

Sorry if I sound negative. Al-Anon is great and yes I have been. I need to go back.

I'm just saying, if the original poster needs Al-Anon to help her regain her sanity from being married to an alcoholic, than it's a top priority. If she would go to meet friends, I'd rather meet friends who haven't been touched by alcoholism.

And, I just looked at what I said. I didn't say Al-Anon members sat around talking about the alcoholic. I said they talk about how they are effected by alcoholism. Is that not accurate?

miss communicat

I'd rather that I didn't have to deal with it either.

darn.

Serenity8

I think this is very true. I am still married (though about to begin the divorce process) and it is so hard for me to make plans when my husband is around. And I am also the parent of 2 young children.

And I go to al-anon every week, and I talked last week about the shame I feel. At al-anon we talk about the craziness that is in OUR heads, about what drew us to the Addict in the first place, to keep the focus on ourselves and find peace in our hearts. Al-anon has literally saved my sanity and made it possible for me to get up everyday and enjoy everyday, and not fall into old patterns. If I sound defensive of al-anon, I am. It is an amazing program and I think everyone could probably benefit from it.

miss communicat

i agree, everybody would benefit from the love and understanding shared in alanon

nowwhat

I guess I like the idea of going to something with substance and spirituality--I'm not religious in a traditional sense--instead of trying to make small talk in another setting.

I'm seriously all "classed out," having just finished my master's degree. I do go to yoga classes, which I love, but they are not places to talk.

I had the thought of meeting other single mothers at Alanon, not so much so we could trade child care but because I just really want some girlfriends, and married ones are harder to connect with right now.

RosieM

Great topic for me right now. I am self-conscious about going out by myself, even in group situations (where everyone seems to have a significant other). I'm having trouble having fun - everything seems to remind me of something bad or sad. I'm so pissed off at my xah for "putting" me in this situation. I have groups of people that I do things with all the time but still feel weird coming home to an empty house. At least no one is monopolizing my bathroom puking all night in the toilet. Guess I should focus on that.