Serenity8

I have met people in al-anon; some are married and some aren't, but they are all people who will welcome you and won't judge you for how you got there or where you've been. The person I feel closest to happens to be happily married (he's not her "qualifier" that got her there), but we do both have kids around the same age. We haven't gotten together yet with the kids, but we are going to try for next week.

OverItNow

I am lonely as well--my AH has not been my friend for many moons and I was too embarassed to socialize after I found out about his behavior as if it were a reflection on me. I lost touch with my friends and we were part of a HUGE social circle of people. I have two small children and I started to gradually start calling a few friends again. In the beginning my voice used to literally crack after a phone conversation because it had been so long since I had talked to anyone in complete sentences.

But, like falling off a bike, you re-learn a lot of social skills. It is different for us, and harder, because we are not the same people we were before we began this struggle. You have to decide how much, if anything, you want to reveal of your life, but I suppose it would be the same no matter who you are or how you live. And also, most people change. The one thing that I found was that I almost always had to make the first move and I prepared myself the questions, ie "why did you fall off the face of the earth?" Your choice whether to answer them. I was honest with my close friends and I found that when I let that feeling of shame go, I realized that I am not judged by his decisions and mistakes. It's hard. Sometimes I retreat back into isolation, because it has unfortunately become comfortable after living this way for almost five years. However, I know it is my choice now rather than something I felt was a "cross to bear."

I have not had the opportunity to go out much, I wouldn't subject anyone to two wild toddlers, however again, it's not because I feel like I am a marked woman because of my husband's antics.

gottaquitthis

I'm going through that lonely thing too, I have no one or it feels that way, I have no family to speak of, oh, they exist but they don't, I know some of you know what I mean. I never have understood why they don't seem to care about how I'm doing, they know I'm alone but they never call to see how I'm doing. Sometimes, I feel like I could die in my house and who knows how long before anyone would find me, I've asked them, told them how I feel, doesn't matter. I think over the years they have washed their hands of me because I haven't settled for their way of life, misery. My sister and brother are both unhappily married and it looks like they are gonna stay that way, my mom and dad have never been happy. I, never married and I think just they just think I'm scared of committment or something....they don't understand that I just keep picking partners like them. Why!! do I keep doing this. anyway.....this was about being lonely, I guess it all relates..... I ended my relationship with my dry drunk several weeks ago, lost count, the weekends are the worse time because that is when we were together, if thats what you want to call it, meaning we were together but there was no connection, at least not on my part, lost it a looong time ago. So I wonder......why do I feel disconnected now, I guess its like even though a relationship is bad, its still a relationship. I don't want to be with him but I'm going through this withdrawal thing, like I was addicted to him. I just stayed in it to long, I kept believing him when he said he wanted to get better. *sigh* I know deep down, I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone but it still hurts, I just wish it would quit hurting, I wish I would quit thinking about it. Sorry if this was all over the place, weekends are just really tough, today was really bad too, cause its been raining all day and dreary. I've tried to stay busy but I just want to be a year down the road, you know what I mean..... gottaquitthis.

OverItNow

Before I ever talked to anyone--and I mean it was years--I wrote. Short stories mostly, but I found it comforting to put people either in situations I was in or situations that I wanted to be in. Writing the dialog was my conversation. Just a suggestion for anyone out there. It did, and still does, help me tremendously with the feeling of lonliness.

strongerwoman

Thanks really interesting, thanks for sharing that.

nowwhat

Thanks for sharing, everyone.

I really relate to the idea of needing to heal my spirit.

Attended a church service today that seemed promising, at a church that also hosts several recovery meetings. So moving toward the idea of an al-anon meeting. I have been to one, but it didn't do much for me. I know a couple of long time alanoners and one thing they've said is that working the steps with a sponsor is really important, so I'm thinking about that idea.

cagefree

After XABF left and I began my own codie recovery, I was faced with a tough fact - all of my relationships were codependent - with friends, coworkers, family members...I was a martyr and would come rushing at a moments notice whether or not the help was wanted. I felt I was doing a great and noble thing.

Then, when I began to take care of myself and worked to only own what was truly mine I realized that some friends became angry with me, or stopped calling all together.

At first I took it personally, but then I realized that I had formed classic codie bonds with others who used me - and I let them. Lately, it's been a lot easier to accept and detach from those I used to have unhealthy relatinoships with now that I have found others to be in my life who I can maintain healthy relationships.

Making new friends has been difficult as I had to rely on something I have never vested any interest or faith in - my self worth. I had to realize I was acceptable the way I was, not be ashamed of being a codependent or recovering from being one and form relationships with others with a sense of self worth - to be around others simply because I enjoy their company - not because I can do so much to improve their lives.

I've found reconnecting with friends I lost touch with has been easier than forming new relationships - but it's all a learning process and we'll all get there if we keep working on ourselves

Lilyflower

I have gone through, and still do go through bouts of lonliness, its always been a difficulty for me to mix with others.

I realised, once I begun to pay attention, that there were people in my life who always chatted to me at work. I had chosen to not repay the friendliness. I only talked to them when they talked to me. I never excepted an invitation to join them at lunch etc.

When I got active things changed. I started approaching them to chat (felt very odd at first and I couldn't always think of what to say!). I would ask if they wanted a hot drink when I was going to the kitchen etc. After a while I would begin to know their lives outside of the job, that they had a partner etc. I would ask how that was going, eventually it got easier and easier to just chat.

I also had to learn to open up to others. When I began to talk to my new friends about my life, I found they became more personable. Our civility moved from just being colleagues to actually being companions, it felt very good! Next came inviting them over for dinner, meeting up after work for a coffee.

I still don't have loads of friends, but I am getting alot better at making them!

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

I have found that anything I do in the way of self-improvement helps in two ways. One--the more emotionally healthy I become, the more emotionally healthy people I attract into my life. Two--the more at peace and self-accepting I am, the less lonely I feel. Even when I am alone.

I think AlAnon is an excellent idea.

L

karengrovo

Wow, this comment hit me like a 2 X4 up side the head. I had never thought about how isolating my "not telling people about my AH" really is. I have kept the whole relationship hidden from my family and friends. I haven't wanted to be lectured or judged. Especially taking into consideration he is currently in prison.

I appreciate this site, my eyes are being opened. Thank each of you so much for your willingness to share!

Karen

needtolearn

First of all, thanks lizw for that comment. And thanks to the original poster, I think it's nowwhat, for this post.

I'm sitting here, and although the details might be a bit different, this is how I feel.

I'm isolated physically, but too, I just can't get used to being volunerable with my feelings.

It's funny, I was going to type "being real". I am "real" when I talk to people, but I stuff so much inside.

And lately, I've been doing that a lot, because I'm in such a dangerous financial place, I'm trying to just focus on work, getting more, work, being a good worker, work, work, work.

Yet I'm dying inside, and gaining stress weight. I'm not even eating a lot of food, I don't have the money for it! I don't eat out anymore, but I'm gaining weight!!

My life is out of balance, and I've gone from one extreme to the other. I'm scared to join another forum, I'm scared to go a meetings, I don't pursue hobbies, because I don't have the money to invest into them. I'm too mentally tired to write, I know I sound like a whiner, but this is how I feel, and it's scary for me to even admit this! I'm hating my life right, now, but strangly enough, I'm paying bills, and doing really well at work (well last week was bad production wise, but still), how can I be doing so well professionally, and feeling like total crud on the inside?

Anyway, I don't know why I've isolated. Gotta figure it out. How?

Lilyflower

One way I began to understand why I was choosing to isolate myself was to ask myself what am I afraid of happening? What is the worst that could happen? The answer that came back loud and clear for me was that I was afraid, living in fear of rejection, people hurting me, like I had been hurt before.

It is very exhausting living in fear, hiding yourself away, thinking up excuses to not meet someone, having to remember the lies I told to not go, when they would ask, 'how did that go the other day?' It was stressful!

I understand about not having money, it can be expensive to join up with a class if you are counting every pence or cent you have! have you considered doing some voluntary work? You could do as little as a morning once a week to practically being full time. It will get you out, it is FREE, you get to meet people, you can volunteer in an area that interests you like a museum, or art gallary, right up to homless shelters, charity shops. You can keep records of what you do for your CV so it will benefit your life long term in many ways!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

needtolearn

Thanks for that, first commment very true, second comment, what is CV? Excuse my ignorance, smile.

Yeah, volunteering is a very good idea.

starflier

A CV is a curriculum vitae, fairly synonymous with a resume, although usually longer. The term is used widely in Europe and in academia.

Lilyflower

No probs! CV - as said curriculum vitae, the document we hand over to employers that tells them what our academic achievements are, our aspirations, and a list of all the positions we have held, highlighting the responsibilities, skills, and experience gained throughout employment. It's like your working life on paper for a potential employer to look over.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

karengrovo

I asked myself what I was afraid of... the answer came back as other people's judgment and disapproval.

It is so much easier to just hide away from the world than to get out and face the looks of "oh, there is the woman who's husband is in jail."

To make matters worse, I am a school teacher! Our society holds teachers to a different level of scrutiny than other professions. (And I understand why...) but, I don't drink, smoke, or use drugs, etc. I am a Christian woman who feel in love with a functioning alcoholic. We were several years into our relationship before I realized how sever of an alcholic he was. Still, the stigma and shame of being the wife of the town drunk remains.

So I got a job in a neighboring community, and held my secret deep inside my heart and told only a very few friends the truth of my situation. then I come home alone and deal with the sadness in my heart and the loneliness of an empty house.

I want to honor my marriage vows. I love my husband. I know that in order to help him, I have to not help him... but I feel horribly guilty like I am abandoning him in his darkest hour.

So it is like I can't find reprieve any where. I too don't want to be hurt anymore.

Guess I am just trying to say, I understand where you are coming from.

Karen