good_luck

It's not that you are wrong. I think that it doesn't matter so much where the bad treatment comes from.

In the end, you are still being treated badly.

minnelson6200

When he treats me badly, it's the disease - the alcohol. Not him.

Am I wrong?

My counselor helped my a bit with this type of thinking and it went similar to what Barbara is saying. Even though the disease makes him crave alcohol, his choice of how to get it and what to say to me is still his active choice on how to behave. It's easy for both him and me to blame his behavior on the disease because then he isn't responsible for what he does and I don't have to be held accountable for my response. We can blame the alcohol. I'm changing that pattern by being conciously aware of my reactions and responses to his drinking. Something I've learned through attending AlAnon.

I also am looking at your response where it seems that his negative and disrespectful treatment of you comes when he's sober. something else to ponder.

And if you see yourself in my shoes in a year, here's a little more. This is hard for me to type even, because the mere thought make me nauseous. But it is distinctly possible that I may leave. His choices in behavior have been getting steadily worse. It's now a given that at least once each weekend he will find something I've done to make his life horrible (whether true or not) and will spend an entire evening berating me and belittling me. I have stopped trusting him with my innner thoughts and desires because he only uses them later as ways to hurt me. He's often remorseful in the morning or says he doesn't remember what went on the night before. But I do. And I'm the one left holding the bag of hurt feelings and diminished self esteem.

I also am not interested in telling you to stay or go. I fully understand the desire to be there and support him. Just know that a rocky road lies in front of you. Again, I can't say that it has been all bad, but the good lies in what I have learned about me and my path in life by being with him. And it has been a painful lesson. I suppose most of us here, by virtue of being caring and compassionate human beings, would want to spare anyone who hasn't experienced the roller coaster yet from the pain and confusion that can accompany it.

aprylfool

Can't I turn this around though? Is 60 days really long enough to know whether or not he's going to turn out okay? I know, I know - look at what IS and not what I hope will BE. But just humor me. My father was a raging alcoholic (so I'm told), yet he's fine now. I've never even seen him drink or have seen him drunk. Same with my uncle. Now, other uncles of mine drink like fish and will never change - but I've seen people come through this. Who's to say he can't? And if I'm willing to learn all I can and just want to know how to cope, then am I really so crazy and need to seek counseling just because I'm willing to love someone more than I apparently love myself?

I'm happy with me. I know who I am. I know what I can handle. I'm fine. He isn't fine. And when you love someone you turn back on being selfish and you start to think of them before you. That's fine for me, I like that feeling of caring that much for someone.

I'm just frustrated. I am grateful for every person who's spoken on my thread today. It really helps me to hear all of you, even if you dont' think I'm truly hearing you. I am. I'm listening and I'm trying to figure this all out.

LaTeeDa

So, if someone had cancer and treated you badly, would it be okay because they had cancer? If someone was suffering from allergies and was rude to you and called you names, would that be okay, too?

Having a disease is one thing. Using it as an excuse is another.

L

Barbara52

That's one huge difference between us. I not longer am willing to dismiss myself and my needs for another. (Except the relationship/love for one's child before they hit adulthood).

LaTeeDa

Are you the alcoholic? If not, then no, you can't. That's what everyone is trying to tell you. You are not powerful enough to save him. He is the only one who can do it.

I never said you were crazy. I saw a counselor for over a year, and I don't think I was/or am crazy. I needed help. It sounds like maybe you could benefit from some help as well. If there was ever a reason to seek counseling, I would say loving someone else more than yourself is it.

L

Thentram

Hi Apryl,

In my experiences, successful relationships succeed because all members contribute equally. I agree with what you said above. Do you think your BF feels the same? Has he become less selfish and started to think of you before him?

aprylfool

Having a disease is one thing. Using it as an excuse is another

I know. I actually remember saying that to him today. It's like I was gaining some clarity this morning. I usually tell him it's ok, it's the disease. But today I said something like "you know, you live off excuses. You act like you're not in control of anything you do or say, but you are. You choose to be nice to me one day and mean the other. You choose to go a week with no alcohol and you choose to ruin it by buying a case of beer. You choose to tell me you want a life and kids and marriage when I have to wonder if it's ever going to actually happen. You choose to poison my head with hope and then let it all crash down just for one drop of alcohol." There was more to it than that, but that's some of what I said today. I just don't know anymore. I feel like an idiot. Like everyone here is scratching their heads at me wondering what is her problem? And I'm starting to think that way to as the minutes pass by. This is not what I thought my life would ever be.

nowwhat

This is not your life, it is only a chapter in your life.

It could be nothing but a close call--the choice is yours.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have run for the hills instead of marrying my XAH.

You deserve much more.

(((hugs)))

aprylfool

Even when he's drunk he puts me before him. He cooks most of our meals, buys groceries, he'll clear the dinner plates (even at his parents house), he opens doors for me, he usually gets up before me and has coffee ready and often times likes to pack my lunch just to be cute. He really does treat me well. It's either when he's sloppy drunk or super sober that he turns into a horrible version of himself. It's the good stuff that keeps me around and the possibility of more good times that make me not want to leave.

I'm not out to be his saving grace. I'm not trying to think that I can make him stop. I know that only he can do this. I just want to be around for support, not to be the answer.

Barbara52

Not at all! Heck I actually married the A in my life! I knew he was an alcoholic before I married him and did it anyway because I didn't know enough to know I couldn't save him and I was in denial as to the whole thing. It was an expensive choice on my part, emotionally and financially.

nowwhat

Me too, exactly.

I wish I had found this board, or Alanon, or something for ME before signing on the dotted line.

FormerDoormat

When I loved my boyfriend exactly how he was, I didn't need a forum like this. When I no longer loved him exactly as he was, I found my way to SR. SR helped me to see that my boyfriend hadn't changed over time. What changed was my view of what was acceptable behavior and what was not. For me that happened when the haze from my love-struck eyes started to lift. And oftentimes, that's a good thing.

minnelson6200

I don't think a single one of us is scratching our heads wondering what's up with her. We know. We've been there, we are there.

I never thought this was how my life was going to be either. But then at eighteen I was going to be an astronaut too. Life is what we make of it today. If I don't like where I am today then I have the power to change it. If I want to, badly enough.


Heck, maybe I still could go be an astronaut.....except for that crazy motion sickness thing

Barbara52

LOL I wanted to be an astronaut too!

aprylfool

The thing that's actually bothering me the most is the fact that he's at work right now being productive and I've become so damaged and tired by what I've been going through that I left work early today because I couldn't keep myself composed. So I'm making no money right now (which isn't good considering I just got a new car and need every penny) and he's out there busy at work (owns his own business). Why is it I'm the one so unable to function and he's fine?

aprylfool

Is it ironic that I want to work in a substance abuse facility? (I know I have a lot to learn and I just started on a social science degree). But I want my life to be about helping others. This is what I'm going to be doing most of my life, is it not then fitting to be with an alcoholic? (I'm also a bartender). God my life is interesting. :crazy:

LaTeeDa

Not ironic at all. In fact, probably very predictable. Many people who suffer from codependence work in "helping" professions. And, it is not a bad thing to want to help others. It only becomes a problem when you are willing to sacrifice yourself in order to do so.

Here's a test for you. How can you tell when "helping" crosses the line to "enabling?"

L

aprylfool

When the helping becomes a pathway for the other person to get the things they want. If, like someone else said earlier, I pay for things that he can afford then that frees up money for him to spend on alcohol. If I help him by telling him that it's okay - that it's the disease, then I'm enabling him to feel like his behaviors are acceptable because the blame is no longer placed on him.

aprylfool

I often wonder, actually, if I should take it upon myself to let his counselor know that he continues to drink. I know that if I did that he'd go to jail for probation violation. But I feel like he needs to hit the bottom. Is it wrong for me to intervene in that way?