juju

First, let me please start off with some amends. At my meeting last night, the topic was taking personal inventory and admitting mistakes, which is VERY difficult for me. I have to be perfect, can’t make mistakes, and I will do my best to cover them up before I admit them. I am working on changing that about myself.

I have to do that now. I made the mistake yesterday of not trusting you all with the fact that ah took the kids up camping yesterday. (I will be joining them later today). I am sorry for that. All day yesterday, I was beating myself up over the fact that I was worried about his drinking up there alone with the kids, and that I allowed him to take the kids, knowing full well he had a bottle. And I didn’t want to get beat up here. And that’s another mistake I made - thinking you all *would* beat me up over it. I am sorry for that. It’s a weird situation. I don’t worry about the kids’ physical safety with him, but their “mental” safety. Basically, I don’t want them to see daddy drunk. I did talk to them this morning, and they are having the time of their lives and last night went off without a hitch. (Whew!) The only reason I know he did drink is when I called to say goodnight last night, there was no mistaking it.

Now, to the bottle. AH called at 5 am in the throes of a serious panic attack. One of which the likes he hasn’t experienced in quite a while. I said absolutely nothing about drinking last night. HE made the connection that it was alcohol induced. HE said that it isn’t fun anymore. HE said he is sick of the guilt he feels every time he takes a drink. HE said that he has to do something. HE SAID HE DUMPED HIS BOTTLE - ALL ON HIS OWN!!

I know about the lies. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that that was one of them. But there was just something *different* about him this morning. His whole demeanor and attitude were different. Nothing happened last night, no crisis, no fighting, nothing to apologize for. He drank, they played, they went to bed. He just seemed sad to his core. It’s really hard to convey here, but I have never seen this before. He acknowledged my fears of yesterday, (we had talked about it earlier in the week - civilly, respectfully) and also acknowledged that I have every right not to trust him. And he did apologize for causing my loss of trust. But the admissions he made, he’s never made before. He’s never said it isn’t fun, or he feels guilt, or any of that.

I have heard the pity party/sympathy seeking many times before, but something about this is just *different*.

I wonder where it’s going, but I’m not going to rush it. One day at a time, right? Right now, they are fishing, laughing, playing. I’m getting ready to spend the afternoon by my bro’s pool with my girlfriend. Bliss! And, if the clouds clear up, double bliss!

Kindeyes

juju
Perhaps the changes you are seeing in him.......are a result of the changes you are making to yourself. When one person changes, the dynamic changes......the other person will change too.....sometimes for the worse.....but sometimes for the better. Keep working on YOU! That's the key.
gentle hugs