wish he'd quit

I am working on getting my divorce from AH. We have 2 kids ages 6 and 2. I'm concerned about him keeping the kids and drinking while he has them. The 6 year old would sort of be able to defend for himself, but the 2 year old obviously needs a little more supervision. I'm seriously concerned about AH drinking while caring for the kids. He has put the 2 year old in bed with him and she has gotten up on her own while he was passed out. I'm not against him having visitations or anything like that, but I have made it clear that if he is going to be drinking he will not have the kids. I don't know how I will find out if he is drinking, but I'm pretty adament on this. My question is can anyone tell me what its like being in this sort of situation? I am trying to make this as easy as I can for them and also as safe as I can. I'm not willing to wait for him to slip up, but I am feeling at such a loss as to what I should do. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

respektingme

Someone else here wrote just a few days ago that they were able to get the attorney to include in the divorce papers that the dad couldn't drink while they kids were with him or 12 hours prior. Then when he fails to do this, you can file for a custody modification. At that time, I'd ask for supervised visitation only.

Taking5

What?????

I don't even know how to react to this. Respectingme gave you good advice. I'd follow it and work on your own sense of perspective.

cmc

If I had young children, married or not I would not leave them for any amount of time in the care of an active alcoholic or anyone else who is not capable to have proper awareness and judgement to act responsibly in an emergency.

The only way to be sure of that is to make it part of your separation/divorce agreement.

Putting minor children in the care of an active alcoholic is not safe, period. It will be up to you to make sure that your kids are properly supervised.

respektingme

So what do you do if the judge rules that he can have the kids?

respektingme

BTW, for those who think they could end up divorced and in this situation someday, document. Send yourself and email with a recount of what happened, particularly if it involves your spouses being drunk while caring for the kids. I've been doing this for years. If I wind up in this situation, I'll bring it to the case.

cmc

respectingme,
You bring up a very good (but sad) question.
My response is directed to the original poster who does at this point have some choices to make.

This forum is filled with people in various circumstances who do not have the benefit of choice. The Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum here at SR is filled with stories of people who have lived or are still dealing with that very issue.

Chrysalis123

I am in this situation and my kids are 13 and 11. What is it like being in this situation? It is rough and I spend a lot of time praying and working on getting myself emotionally healthy so i can be there for the kids making the best decisions possible.

I have been divorced now for 2 weeks, filed in August 2007 after a year of hell. Been working on my own recovery for 9 months. That said my lawyer advised me to have a clause in the separation agreement that did not allow drinking, XAH balked big time at that so it reads only 1 drink prior to or while with the kids. Now that he has violated that 4 times (3 times in the past 2 weeks), I can go back to court and file contempt charges. I also document everything and the lawyer requested a letter from the kids' counselor indicating that the events cause the children anxiety as well as endanger them, and that the behavior is a pattern.

This does not ease my anxiety that something will not happen to the kids and that is the hard part. I am educating my kids on alcoholism a little bit every day or when a situation arises. My 13 year old will not go against what her dad says...so how does one get her to not get in the car when he has been drinking? My 11 year old tells me about incidents and then he mocks her and calls her a tattle-tale. He encourages them to deceive me.

I have them both in counseling as well as myself. I have to let go and let God as well as do my leg work and be smart an unafraid of making it "hard on him".

I would not wish this scenario on anyone.

PS I think your kids are young enough to require stricter parenting guidlines so check with your lawyer.

stillsearching

Hi guys, I just filed this week for divorce, and we are asking for only supervised visitation, my attorney feels that we have a very good case for this and that the courts are very protective of the children here. I also have pictures that I have taken over the course of time of hidden booze and empty booze bottles. Our daughter is only 9 and he has not been allowed to be home alone with her for at least 2 yrs, either she goes with me or my older children (adults) are here with her, he too would pass out and leave her alone, or take anger issues out on her.......I hope to be finally free of this mess...soon!!

wish he'd quit

EEK! I wrote that wrong. WHat I was trying to say is that he would sort of be able to fend for himself. He knows what he is and isn't allowed to do. He is also capable of calling me or my parents if he needs to. I don't mean like daily care and feeding himself.

As far as AH keeping the kids I don't leave the kids with him if he is drinking. There are times when AH gets a wild hair to go somewhere when he has been drinking and wouldn't think twice about putting him in the truck to take him. I know I probably sound like an old nagging hagg, but I am always asking AH if he is drinking or will be drinking. He has also started fights with me at his buddies house when I have gone to pick up ds and he wanted to let him stay and hang out with the buddies kids. I didn't want to stay but he insisted that ds should be allowed to hang out with other kids. You would have thought that ds doesnt have any other friends.

i4getsm

You can have it written into your divorce papers that there will be no drinking when the kids are there. It's actually pretty standard language in SC with certain judges in my county. This rule will apply to me as well (not an issue for me thankfully). You will need to talk to your attorney about the best way to approach this. Most courts are not in favor of cutting off contact, so you'll need to think of alternatives. Can you request that someone else be there when your children are with him (i.e. supervised - could be a family relative or friend that you trust)? At this point in my divorce proceedings, I am writing in my complaint about alcohol abuse (not claiming it as grounds as it can be difficult to prove AND in my case, STBXAH is going to go along with whatever is written in the file). We will also have the standard wording about not drinking when kids are present. He knows that I am VERY serious about any lapses on his part regarding drinking. If anything happens, there will be immediate action, including a request for supervised visits only and NO overnights unless supervised with a jointly agreed upon supervisor. Unfortunately that means allowing the risk of something happening that one time, but it's the best I can do at this point.

If you have not already, you need to consult an attorney. They will let you know what are the applicable laws in your state and the type of info required to pursue supervised visits, etc., especially if you think you AH will fight it. The courts can also designate a Guardian Ad Litem to review the case, including visits with AH and you in your homes. It's scary but in some cases, it's the best way to show that you are doing whatever you can to protect your children without trying to restrict them from seeing AH. (((HUGS)))

LucyA

My nephew lives with me, his dad is an alcoholic and he never stays with his dad. He sees him from time to time and has strict rules on times, it's usually limited to one hour maximum. My nephew is 11 and it's a rule we decided between us, he knows I'll come and get him if he stays longer than one hour, and he refuses to stay anyway if his dads been drinking. I would never let him stay overnight with his dad, he lives with me and ultimately I'd hold myself responsible if anything happened to him because I know his dad doesn't look after him, thats why he lives with me.

daisies

That is a tough question and one that I am dealing with now as well.

My kids are soon to be 8 and 10 and I have decided there will be NO overnight visitation on school nights. My STBXAH is scared to go to trial in regards to this case since he is a police officer and I would be airing some seriously damaging evidence to him. He claims he is not drinking but how does one really know for sure?

Document Document Document is my advice.

You will get the strength for this trust me. Remember we must not give up as we are protecting our children.

Seeking Wisdom

Unfortunately, the problem of having unsupervised custody or visitation was one of the main reasons I did not divorce my Ahusband but chose to separate from him instead. A marriage counselor had suggested this would give me more control over what circumstances he could be left alone with our kids. I had seen how poorly he behaved around our kids when drinking when I was nearby - with his bizarre behavior, mood swings, rages, and passing out that he called "sleeping" instead of watching them.... and I was terrified at how he would behave if he had the legal right to be alone with them. Worst of all, I also knew he would drink and drive with them in the car because he continually had tried to do that for years with me watching his alcohol intake before getting behind the wheel of our car with the kids inside.

As the child of an alcoholic, I still have a nightmarish memory of when my poor mom had go to the hospital overnight and was forced to leave my brother and I alone with my alcoholic dad and her just dreading it. My dad ended up taking us to his friend's house and was so drunk driving us back home he was pulled over by the police. The police took us home and searched the house for hidden bottles - we were so young and it was so scary and humilating...something I never forgot and I swore I would never let my children go through. I sincerely hope that someday there will be better custody laws in place that will automatically protect children when one parent has serious addiction problems.