RayRayRay

I don't know if this is where I should be posting this....

I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years with an alcoholic. I myself was a drinker and a drug abuser before I met my SO. I cleaned up my act 18 months ago when I realized how out of hand I was becoming.
I hadn't yet hit bottom. I was not yet an embarrassment, I was still fairly functional (although I couldn't hold down a job), and my addictions were still a secret.
She, on the otherhand, had embarrassed me at many gatherings in which we were asked to leave, she threatened to leave me, and threw me out of her home numerous times.

Her actions motivated me to sober up. I didn't want to get like that and I knew that's where I was headed. I thought that if I stopped using and drinking, she would follow.

Here I am now with 18 months of sobriety and she still binge drinks 2 or 3 times a week. I hate it. I worked really hard at staying on the wagon and managed to get my job back and managed to buy my own home. She wants to move in with me. I stand my ground. I will not have alcohol in my house. She tells me that if I loved her I would look past the drinking. She says if I leave her because of booze that I never really loved her.

Tonight, I sit struggling with my inner addict. I am having a rough time fighting my own temptations and she calls me wasted beyond belief. What do I do? Nothing. I do nothing. I don't want to enable. I don't want to criticize. So I do nothing. Is this what I should be doing?

I don't want to leave her but I can't stay with her like this. I want a relationship with a future and I don't see one here. But I can't let her go, I'm afraid of what she'll do. And I'm afraid of life without her.....

Does anyone have any advice?

Pick-a-name

(((Ray)))

UGH....I know those feelings. My 27yr marriage just broke up over the same conflict (although my partying career was short and ended when college did;30yrs ago....but these feelings kinda made me start to wonder if maybe it WAS me. I don't think so!)

You are in the right place! It's been a God-send for me; the information and the support,

Hope you stick around!

p.s. Congratulations on your own steps of recovery!

ToughChoices

Hello, RayRayRay! I'm glad that you found us.

My husband, during his active addiction, would frequently make statements like this.

It was manipulation.
She is sick. She is scared. She doesn't want to lose you, and she's terrified of taking the steps necessary to keep you.

You know your heart, and you know that there is love in it. You want her to be healthy - there is nothing unloving about this.


Deal with first things first. It sounds like you know that letting her move in with you would cause problems - I think sticking to your guns about the living situation is a good idea. That doesn't mean that you have to break up with her.

Breathe. Think. Make decisions when you are ready to do so.

We're here to help.

-TC

Barbara52

Absolutely you are in the right place! Congrats on your sobriety! It must be especially hard with your SO active in her own alcoholism.

As you well know, she is going to have to find her own path, whether to sobriety or continued drinking.

Continue to set your boundaries to help yourself.

RayRayRay

Thank you....

I know I don't need to make any big decisions right away. Thank you for reminding me I just get all flustered when she does this.

When do you know that you can't continue to support their lifestyle? Does it dawn on you one day that it's time for you to move on?

I worry that I am lingering for fear of change -jeopardizing my own sobriety and helping her make excuses. I also worry that her realization of her own problem is just around the corner. What if I left her minutes before she smartens up? What a tragedy that would be.....

Barbara52

Why would that be a tragedy?

Let's suppose you reach a decision to end the relationship. Let's also suppose she subsequently decides to find her way to recovery.

What prevents you from re-establishing your relationship at some point in the future if that is what you both decide you want to do?

RayRayRay

Good point!

Kindeyes

RayRayRay
Welcome! You have definitely found the right place. You can find support for your sobriety on SR AND you can find support as someone who loves an addict/alcoholic. SR is a two-fer!

The feelings you are experiencing are very common and you'll read about them a lot in F&F. The most important (and kindest) thing you can do is to protect yourself and your sobriety. She will either follow suit or she won't...that is not within your control. As long as you concentrate on yourself and your own recovery, you'll be ok. It's kind of like a boating accident.......and neither of you have life jackets on. You can either BOTH drown (that would be a tradgedy) or you can save yourself. Better that one life is saved than none at all.

I hope you stick around and post and read. There is so much support here for you.

gentle hugs

hope2bhappy

I have found that when I don't know what to do, doing nothing is the wisest course of action.

But for the grace of God, go you. Your comment, above, could be your best weapon against the temptations. My RAH and I attended a get together at his family's this past weekend. Although he is about 19 months into his so-far-successful recovery, nothing much with his family has changed. His favorite cousin arrived completely wasted. After an attempt to have a lucid conversation with her, he turned to me and joked, "Don't ever let me drink another beer." Was blind, but now he sees.

Congratulations on your continued sobriety, even in the face of such emotional turmoil.

laurie6781

Ray Ray we all have fear of change. Something I learned fairly early in my own recovery, MY SOBRIETY MUST COME FIRST for without it I am NOTHING. This woman is jeopardizing your sobriety. You have to take care of you.

If you are meant to be.......................................then if and when she gets sober and clean and achieves some sobriety you will re-connect. However, YOU have to take care of you.

I was 3 years sober to the day, when my AA Sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY and by immediately she meant THAT DAY. Well I didn't question back then and I did. I have been in AA now over 27 years and Alanon over 24. I have to tell you that in many respects Alanon HELPED ME MORE than AA. Gave me a totally different perspective of the steps, taught me how to set my personal boundaries and stand by them and maybe most of all taught me the 3 C's:

I didn't CAUSE it,

I can't CONTROL it, and

I can't CURE it.

Maybe try some Alanon for YOU.

Also, please keep posting...........................you can vent, rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh once in a while.............................we do care very much!!

Love and hugs,

RayRayRay

Unfortuneately, there is no Alanon group where I now live....I'm very rural and there's no AA or NA either....
This site is my main source of sanity...Lucky for me, SR is turning into my one-stop-shop!
If I am able to during my next trip to the nearest town, I will find a Alanon meeting and give it a try...

ToughChoices

What are you doing to support her lifestyle now? Does she work? Do you give her money? Maybe you're just talking about emotional support.

In my opinion, supporting someone financially when they are in active addiction is really a recipe for disaster. It insulates them from the natural consequences of unchecked, progressive alcoholism (unemployment, poverty, etc...), and these negative consequences may well be what is required for the A to find motivation to address their disease.

You don't have to stop giving someone emotional support unless you find that it is painful for you to do so.

What about your emotional interactions with your A causes you to feel pain?

What can you do to alleviate that pain-
Think about the situation differently?
Find moral support elsewhere?
Stop interacting with her in situations that consistently inspire negative emotions in you?
End your relationship?

There are a lot of options. Take the small steps first, see if they make you feel better. Go slow and you'll figure out the path as you walk it.

-TC

sadandhopeless

You have done fantastic things for yourself. Please do not allow her to move in with you. Next time she tells you if you really loved her you should look past the drinking - tell her if you loved me you would stop drinking -

you could have been supporting each other all along. Don't DO IT. Keep your sobriety and let her find her own way as you did.....

if you allow her to move in - it will be that much harder to keep on the right path - dont ruin all the postive changes you have made in your life - you deserve a chance at this.

RayRayRay

I spent my first 3 months of sobriety living under her(our) roof. She drank non-stop. It was an uphill climb for me to stay clean.

I moved out into my own place and things did get better. I attended meetings andgroups, stayed away from alcohol and drug filled environments....
I now don't interact with her when she drinks. And she seems to understand that I don't want to be involved in her "fun".

But every now and then she can't help herself, and subjects me to her alter ego. And if she does something mean or cruel while she's drinking, well, don't take it personally, because it's just the booze talking....
I really dislike that line. Alcohol doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. But she seems to think it does.

I feel like I tiptoe around her. I'm careful not to talk about her drinking, but it seems she does little else so it's hard to find something to talk about. When she speaks of being depressed, her physical pain or financial difficulties, I do all I can to keep quiet. All I want to say is "If you didn't drink you would have more money, you wouldn't be so depressed and you'd start taking care of yourself better."

We could've been supporting each other all along! Instead I''m growing further away from her. And, IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I can't control what she does, but I need to control what I do.

freya

Ray:

Please check out this link to something I posted awhile ago:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-long.html

.......and please remember this always: Unconditional love does not mean unconditional support or unconditional access to your person, your time, your energy and/or your resources. That "if you love me" line is a crock of manipulative alcoholic BS! I was separated from my partner (my choice, I threw her then very dry-drunk *ss out) for about 15 months. Whenever anyone, including her, asked/asks me how I could do that if I loved her, I tell them: "It doesn't have anything to do with if, or how much I love her....It's about if and how much I love myself."

Love yourself, you deserve it!

freya

P.S. Julia Kristeva, hey????? Her theory or her fiction?