Mamapajama

I have another post here but am wondering how to kick my AH out of the house. He has repeatedly said he will not leave. My parents bought this house for us, although I'm sure that doesn't matter in the eyes of the court? This school system is awesome and we love this neighborhood. How do I get him to leave?

AnvilheadII

is he on the deed or the mortgage?
does he have the means to support himself somewhere else?
have you met with an attorney to discuss your position and options?

dandylion

mama....here is a link to get you started....It is educational, in nature, and not meant to replace your own lawyer....
It is arranged by state and covers most all areas of concern about divorce...
It can help you to organize your thinking and help you to know what important questions to ask when you are in front of a lawyer......

Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com

Mamapajama

Yes to both- plus we have a townhome that we rent out. It was his first. I want him to move back there

Mamapajama

Thanks dandylon! Lots of great info!

Mamapajama

So I just realized that tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary. Very fitting!! I just have to laugh!!

hopeful4

You really cannot make him move out of his own home. You can however petition the courts to do so, and it really depends on the area in which you live and the judge on if they will do so or not.

Hugs to you.

LLLisa

I spent a few years being polite about it. Then being angry and demanding he leave. He refused, kept on drinking and kept on stating that he would be staying in the house, keeping the kids and all our property, money, everything. Logically I knew he couldn't do this as he did not have the income to pay the mortgage and was too drunk to care for the kids.

I detached from him. But not "with love". He was so nasty, abusive and mean to me I had nothing left but anger. I stopped being co-dependent (easier said than done). After this it took about 7-8 months until he left. They were very, very tense, horrible months. He really couldn't believe how "hard" I had become.

I re-mortgaged the house in my name only and paid him his half of the equity. He is now unemployed and, by my calculations, should have drunk most of the equity money away if not by now, then very shortly.

I could have left him. However, if I had done that he would have lost the house and we'd both be destitute. He never paid a cent toward the mortgage, ever.

Mamapajama

Lisa that sounds absolutely awful. Good for you that you got him out though. My mom keeps telling me to just move with kids to another house. I will not leave for many, many reasons. Rated #2 high school in our state, no houses in the district even remotely affordable. Plus my family bought the damn thing!

He was really sweet on our anniversary and sent me the biggest love bomb text. Super attentive, the whole 9 yards. He bought a outside projector and screen and spent the night setting it up. Spent the night tonight trying to get it to work.

I tell him kids have homework and he completely reverted back to ignoring me while tinkering around with the stupid projector. I'm trying to help 3 hyper over tired kids after I learned he didn't feed them. I was at a meeting at their school so wasn't home until 7:30pm. I was confused on which page we were supposed to do and he couldn't have cared less what they were assigned. He kept telling me just to "pick a page and do it" um... WHAT?! Are we standing in the way of what YOU want to do right now? So sorry!!!
Then he stays outside drinking while I get them bathed and ready for bed. One of my biggest issues has always been he never gets up to go to anyone else. When the kids were babies/toddlers he would be sitting on his fat ass telling them to "commere" across the room.
I am going to my first meeting tomorrow morning at 10:45am.
I knew his kindness was too good to be true yesterday but he reverted back to selfish pretty quickly. I hate this!!!! Wtf?!?!??!!!?

Mamapajama

Ok- I've calmed down a bit. I have massive anxiety and my ah is the exact opposite, slow, laid back type.

I think years of me dealing with the triplets while he was just sitting downstairs has built up so much resentment that I am like a pressure cooker. If/when he leaves, I'm going to have to deal with the kids by myself anyway so I might as well just never expect anything out of him. It's just so hard when he RIGHT THERE and can clearly see me overwhelmed while 3 kids are climbing all over me and does nothing.

I'm going to try to focus on what needs to be done rather than the fact that he's not helping. If I'm going to be a single mom that's how it'll be anyway. That's how it's been for 6 years.

velma929

I think when someone has lived in a house for a long period of time, getting him or her out requires an eviction process. This is true even if it's your no-account cousin Ed who said he just needed a few weeks to get on his feet. It means the tenant in the townhouse needs adequate time to make other living arrangements, too.

It can be done, I've known people to do it. It isn't your timetable, though, it's the court's timetable.

I'm going to have to deal with the kids by myself anyway so I might as well just never expect anything out of him. That's probably a wise attitude to take.

FeelingGreat

mama, triplets!!! A lot of cuteness combined with a lot of work. I would be seething with resentment too, but at least you have a plan to take back your power.

As he's refusing to leave it would make sense to seek legal advice to see where you stand. That and stop looking after him.

atalose

Sadly I do think you need to wrap your thinking on just that, being single with no help from him. It’s far easier to accept the fact now that he’s not going to be an involved hands on dad and plan accordingly then to sit with expectations that somehow after a divorce he will turn into dad of the year.

The usual pattern I see is that they fight tooth and nail for visitation/custody pretty much anything in an attempt to not only control but to strike back at you for wanting to leave them, like how dare you I’ll show you. It is easier to plan for those possibilities ahead of time instead of being shocked when and if they do happen.

My ex made my life a living hell during the separation and divorce. He projected to his lawyer(s) with the emphases on more than one that he was father of year. The most caring attentive father a man could be was the role he played for his attorney, then for his next attorney and once again for his final attorney. See, the first two didn’t go along with his agenda, he couldn’t totally control them or the outcome so he changed attorneys, 3 times until he finally ran out of money.

hopeful4

My goodness, no wonder you are overwhelmed. I want to just say right now, YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD. So many times, we just need that to be validated. When you are married with children, you expect someone who will contribute, not be a drain.

For myself, it was less work after I kicked out my XAH b/c he was just like another child for me to take care of. Ugh.

Sending you a gentle hug.

LLLisa

When I was trying to get mine out of the house I realized that I had to expect NOTHING from him. Like you, I had always done everything with and for the kids anyway so continually asking for his help and stupidly expecting that one day he might step up just caused me more and more resentment.

Having expectations of my X, even tiny little ones like putting out the garbage caused me MAJOR resentment. I sort of flipped an "off switch" in my head and trudged forward only relying on myself.