AskingWhy

It's been a while since I posted. As many of you may remember, I left AW in March and our divorce was final in April.

Since then, I've concentrated on living my life for me and the contact with her has been minimal, only "business" in terms of exchanging personal belongings that were mixed in with each others and all of the typical things that go with a divorce/move out.

So, it's been four months, and the last couple of weeks I've really started to miss her and have all of the second guessing thoughts drag me down. Then, out of the blue, contact from her on a personal level.

We've spent a lot of time talking the past week and we're both in counseling. And because of us talking and thinking about everything it's really got me second guessing and just down right struggling with myself right now.

I still love her and it's a strong, real, deep love. I've missed her every single day and now it seems like she is working on her issues and I'm working on mine.

Does the pain of going thru a marriage, divorce and the second guessing of a relationship like this ever end or is it going to haunt me forever?

I guess the simple fact is that I still love her and that's what hurts.

lovtolaff

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I don't really have any advice other to say that I know what it feels like to miss your ex. Actually, reading your post disheartens me b/c I do NOT want to be 4 months out of this and STILL miss him. I want to move on with my life and NOT have to worry about where he is or what he's doing. Even if he went to rehab or whatever - I don't want that worry and wonder in my life ever again. Too much crap to forget in the past.

However, if she is in counseling and really trying to get her life together and you feel that you can TRUST her - than why not try to work it out? But there has to be trust. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering IF she'll be ok? IF she'll drink again? You see what I mean.

Anyways - I wish the best for you. Please know you are not alone.

Reddmax

My first marriage didn't have alcoholism, but it was a preview of my life now. I didn't learn from my first marriage. But, here's something. I hurt for over a year after my divorce. Part of that was because I knew at the time I was partly to blame for it. In this case, because I'm there with you, you're not at fault. You couldn't control it, you couldn't cure it, and you didn't CAUSE it. People can get back together after alcoholism. In fact, a close personal acquaintance parents divorced for 5 years and then remarried. So it is possible. But, you have to make sure its right before you commit. I hoped this helped.

LaTeeDa

I'll share some of my story with you because it is very similar. My caution to you is to go very, very slow and avoid all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking.

I separated from my husband in June or July of 2005. His drinking had gotten to the point of a fifth of vodka every night and he was starting to show violent behavior. (punching walls, hurting the dogs, etc.) I was at the point where I hated to go home after work and my children were begging me to "make him stop." We had a counselor who we saw together and separately, and he was adamant about not quitting drinking. His view was "I'm only hurting myself." I gave him a month to get out of the house, and of course, he picked the most inconvenient day available. But, that's another story.

He continued to drink for another 5 or 6 months after that. The children wanted to see him, so I set up a schedule where they would go over there for a few hours at a time during the day, with no overnight visits. All the while, he was crying and begging to come home, telling me how unfair and awful I was, and claiming I was trying to turn the children against him.

Then, I guess he hit his bottom. He started seeing the counselor again and he quit drinking. After enough time had passed that I felt he was really serious and not just going through the motions, I started allowing the children to spend some weekends with him. They were old enough (13 and 9) to know if he was intoxicated and they knew they could call me at any time if they didn't want to stay there.

Nearly a year after we first separated, we started talking and cautiously getting to know each other again. We went on a few "dates" and began to discuss reconciliation. We both knew that we needed to take it slow and not rush into anything because it would be devastating to the kids if we got back together only to separate again.

For a year, we continued to see each other and attempt to rebuild our relationship. During that time, unfortunately, he started showing signs of his irresponsible, unreliable, immature behaviors. It was difficult for me not to overlook these things because, after all, he wasn't drinking. Finally, I came to the conclusion that he could not be the partner I wanted. As sad as it was, I had to admit to myself that I had changed too much over the course of two years, and he was much the same. I didn't want to let go after 18 years of marriage and 20 years together. I had huge abandonment issues and fear of failure to overcome, but I knew that utimately we would face the same problems over and over if we were together.

Our divorce was just final two weeks ago. I'm not saying this will be the result for you. All I'm saying is take it very slow and avoid rushing into anything. I am so thankful we didn't do anything impulsive because it would have been a huge mistake.

Remember that you are the most important person in your life.

L

FormerDoormat

I ended my relationship with my boyfriend three years ago. He died of alcoholism one year ago, so there's no chance of a reconciliation. Even if he were alive today, I don't think I'd reconcile with him. With time and distance has come the realization that what I thought was love was either not the real thing or it was an unhealthy type of love. I'm still trying to sort it all out and figure out what my true feelings were.

DesertEyes

Hi there Asking, and pleased to "meet" you

I lost my marriage of 20yrs because my ex developed a fondness for pain pills and married men.... other than me. The first 15yrs or so were absolutely heaven, we were both so happy it made other people sick. Even our kids said we were "too much". The pain of losing that marriage was overwhelming to me, but the pain has faded away. It took me a little time, and a lot of meetings of al-anon along with working their "steps" to be able to overcome the pain.

We had a wonderful life, for 15yrs or so. Those are the years I choose to cherish. The woman I married has ceased to exist. She is somebody else now, and so am I. Neither one of us can travel in time and become what we no longer are. I used to second guess myself a lot too, but for me that was just wishful thinking in disguise.

Perhaps I should have given her yet another chance, or two, or three. In addition to some 5 years of second chances. Perhaps I should have left sooner. Today, all that second guessing is _not_ going to change the past. I have learned and grown from that marriage, and I'm continuing with my life. I have no idea what the future will bring, and so I focus on the present over which I do have some limited control. That's my verbose version of the Serenity Prayer

I will always love the woman I married, she's just not here anymore. I will always cherish the wonderful times we had together, they are a fundamental part of who I am today. That happiness makes my present all the better, because I have had a good life, mostly, and I intend to continue to have a good life.

The pain does goes away. It has for me, as it has for millions of other people all over the world. We all survive and overcome with the help of whatever program of recovery we choose.

Keep posting, Asking, just hang around here for awhile and you'll see that the pain will fade.

Mike

CatsPajamas

I have some experience here too. I needed a lot of time to see if the new and more responsible actions were consistent and matched up with his words. My ex was on really good behavior for a good long while, but then the red flags started popping up again. It didn't work out for us, and he admitted he was really tired of trying to be a different person. Recovery works when we do it for ourselves, not when we try to change for someone else.

Hugs. I know how hard this can be.