Help Please! I feel So Betrayed.....

Old 07-06-2008, 08:10 PM
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Help Please! I feel So Betrayed.....

Hi Everyone. I am posting this because I am in desperate need of support. I am the mother of an 18 yr old daughter who has been troubled for a very long time. Since she was small, she has been manipulative and sneaky. Her father and I divorced when she was small, and like I'm sure happens many times, my family tended to favor her and make allowences for her because of the divorce. I was against it from the beginning, but I was always made to feel unreasonble, or selfish, and ultimately, I was ignored. As she began to get older, she became aware that people considered her a victim, and in more than one way she was. But, she used this and began to manipulate people in order to get her own way. As she got older older, it just got worse.

Everytime she didn't get her way, or she was reprimanded or disciplined, she would cry and play the victim. Claiming that she felt unloved or unnaccepted. Most people fell for this. It became a bigger and bigger problem as time went on, and as her behavior became more destructive, I had to resort to more drastic measures. Counseling did not work. After a run with truancy and drugs, I removed her from school and homeschooled her. All the time being told by my family that I needed to make her feel loved and accepted. Being told she was acting out, as though it was an excuse. Things seemed to get better over time, and eventually I began to gain more trust in her, but I was still careful. In the last year, our family has gone through some crisis and she has begun to behave destructively again. I was not aware of it at first, and when I became suspicious, she cried to everyone about how bad I made her feel about herself.

Everytime I questioned her or confronted her about anything, she would become all teary eyed and weepy. I was chastized by my family again and told that I needed to give her more independence, and make her feel more important. That I was partially responsible for her behavior because she didn't feel loved, and she had a lot of stress. Well, she recently turned 18 and began really becoming a problem. Completely irresponsible and disrespectful. and two days ago on my birthday, she went out with a man......who my husband and I disapprove of, and came home loaded. I mean, barely able to speak. Xanax and alcohol. She had been out with him before, and I suspected she'd been drinking, but couldn't prove it. This time you couldn't miss it.

Well, I took her cell phone away and told her we'd discuss it in the morning. She left. She said she was a better judge of what was right for her, and that we were controlling and emotionally unsupportive. In going through her phone I found out that this man had given her drugs and alcohol on more than one occassion. I also found out that she was involved in a very sick internet relationship with some 30 yr old in CA. I am at the end of my rope. I have 4 other children to consider, and I can't have her putting them at risk. I have been attacked for this by my mother and my sister in law, and when I tried to defend myself, I was told that I needed to take responsibility for my part in this problem. I am not nor have I ever been a perfect parent, but I don"t feel responsible in anyway for this. In fact, I would have to say that I haven't been hard enough on her. They disagree. They think I have hurt her self esteem, and that she needed to escape from me. They admitt that what she has done is bad, but that she's crying out for help. That she needs to feel accepted.

How can I help some one who doesn't want it, and if they don't want it, why is it my fault. I am having a really hard time with what she has done. I am scared for her and angry, and then top it off with a guilt trip from my family. I have no idea where she is, other than with this man, and she has one friend that she doesn't know is giving me some info, but she hasn't told her where they are either. I feel like I'm losing my mind. No one has bothered to express any sympathy for me or my husband.. It's all about my poor daughter who needs help, and the horrible way she feels about herself.

Am I crazy? I'm angry and I feel betrayed by her and my family. My husband is out of state right now for business, he had to leave today. I could really use my family, but they aren't there. I want to find her and drag her self absorbed butt to rehab and leave her there. I am so sick of have to walk on eggshells and watch everyword I say. I am feeling pretty desperate. I am trying to handle all of this, with little or no support from family. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me. What can I do?
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Old 07-06-2008, 08:34 PM
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Trying...a big welcome to you and some :ghug3 of these :ghug3.

1. Breathe

2. Your daughter is 18 years old. It might be time for you to tell yourself you did the best job you could for your daughter (pay no heed to what others will say) and now it is time to let her go.

3. Your home, your rules. If she doesn't want to abide by them then show her the door.

4. Get yourself a copy of Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Beattie uses life with an alcoholic in order to make her point about how YOU are responsible for how you feel, that you have no control over others (and how they feel, your family included) and she explains how and why boundaries will protect you.

5. A 12-step group like AlAnon might be a good place to find support for you at this time. Check online for groups in your area and get yourself to one this week.

Sending you positive thoughts. Please let us know how it goes.

ARL
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Old 07-06-2008, 08:45 PM
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A warm Welcome to you! Glad that you found us

Sorry that you are going through this right now-ARL stated a lot of great
advice above.

Please also check out the stickies at the top of this forum! There is a lot of support
here so please stick around and keep posting!
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Old 07-07-2008, 04:24 AM
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Originally Posted by TryingToLetGod View Post
But, she used this and began to manipulate people in order to get her own way. As she got older older, it just got worse. Everytime she didn't get her way, or she was reprimanded or disciplined, she would cry and play the victim. Claiming that she felt unloved or unnaccepted. Most people fell for this. It became a bigger and bigger problem as time went on, and as her behavior became more destructive, I had to resort to more drastic measures. I was not aware of it at first, and when I became suspicious, she cried to everyone about how bad I made her feel about herself. Everytime I questioned her or confronted her about anything, she would become all teary eyed and weepy.

She said she was a better judge of what was right for her, and that we were controlling and emotionally unsupportive. In going through her phone I found out that this man had given her drugs and alcohol on more than one occassion.

They think I have hurt her self esteem, and that she needed to escape from me. They admitt that what she has done is bad, but that she's crying out for help. That she needs to feel accepted. How can I help some one who doesn't want it, and if they don't want it, why is it my fault.

I am trying to handle all of this, with little or no support from family. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me. What can I do?

WELCOME!!!

You can take care of yourself. If they think you're doing such a terrible job, maybe they should assume responsibility for her? Not likely, but they'll be more than happy to tell you what a terrible job you're doing.

Based on what you've posted, she seems like a classic manipulator, and she will keep doing it as long as it works.

You're going to hear it from others if you haven't already, but it bears repeating.

You didn't cause it

You can't control it

You can't cure it
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Old 07-07-2008, 06:05 AM
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I had a similar experience with one of my former step daughters. She was totally out of control, had a brush with the legal system after causing an accident while driving drunk without a license at 16. Her parents reaction was to take her to a counselor who said they had to be more supportive because she had poor self esteem which they took to mean little to no consequences for her behaviors. Eventually the court ordered her to AA and therapy. She never took it seriously, never did anything other than what she was required to do and to manipulate her parents into thinking she was an innocent victim. She is now 18, still drinking and acting in a self destructive manner. Her parents deny that she drinks, deny that anything is wrong because she had good grades and graduated high school. I fear for her future, especially since she is off to college in the fall, but only she can do something to change herself.

I know this isn't helpful in terms of showing a good way to handle your situation. But know you are not alone. I guess there comes a time when we have to accept our children are young adults and therefore responsible for their life choices, good and bad.
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Old 07-07-2008, 06:36 AM
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Hi and welcome from another mother who comes to this forum for support. It's a great place with wonderful people. Some of what you read here will seem counter intuitive (particularly for a mother) but it works.

I was a bit of a rebel child myself. When I turned 18, I'll never forget the talk I had with my Dad. He said "You're 18 now. You're an adult. You may decide what is best for you. It's YOUR life." It freaked me out. He simply let go of the reins and handed them over to me. I became much more responsible.....almost over night. I still did some stupid stuff but I had to take accountability.

My son is an alcoholic. He has rebelled and manipulated since he was 14 years old. He drove me crazy. I wish I understood then what I understand now. I use to think that one of the worst things that could happen would be that he'd wind up in jail. Well, guess what. He did. And the earth didn't stop spinning. I kept breathing. And he had to deal with the legal issues that followed. And I finally realized that I needed to back off and let him deal with it.

By letting them make their own mistakes and enjoy their own successes, without our interference, we allow them to grow and gain confidence.

I was very different from you. I was the one that gave in to my son's behavior. I was the one who tried to protect him from himself. My family kept telling me I was doing the wrong thing (in my case though.....I was).

Keep coming here for support (to give it and get it). Read all you can. It's amazing how important it is for us to know that other mothers have struggled or are struggling...even when the struggles are a little different. We can all learn from one another.

gentle hugs
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Old 07-07-2008, 06:50 AM
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Some questions for you: How does the rest of your family know what's going on in your life? In your daughter's life? If the information is coming from you, you have the power to stop their interference. I can think of two actions that would effectively eliminate their interference:

1. Stop sharing intimate details of your life with your extended family.

2. Stop allowing them to interfere by either avoiding all contact with them or at the very least ignoring their feedback regarding how you handle the situation with your daughter.

People can only interfere with my life and my serenithy if I allow them. I hope you find a workable solution for you.

Last edited by FormerDoormat; 07-07-2008 at 07:18 AM.
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Old 07-08-2008, 10:07 PM
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First, I want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time to respond. I have been in such turmoil and desperation the last 4 days, and I was comforted by your kindness.

I wanted to answer FormerDoormats question about how my family knows what's going on. It's pretty simple really, some of it I've shared over the years, and some of it they have heard from my daughter. Of course, most of what they have heard from her has been twisted or conveniently incomplete.

I have to be honest, I did not realize the extent of the problem. My husband and I have had some serious issues with our homebuilder, and we were forced to move out of our home, due to construction defects 9 mos ago. With trying to find somewhere to live and the financial stress, it was much easier for her to hide things from me. I'm not making excuses. It is what it is, and I feel like an idiot for not seeing all the lies, and for not realizing my family was never going to get it.
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