Why can't I stop giving in to him?
 

I am unsure of what to do. I found this site a few days ago and I am glad I did. I have had a miserable afternoon with my ah - i went over there and he was drinking. he was wanting me to stay the night but i realized i did not want to. we wound up in a fight so i left. he now is calling me trying to play upon my guilt. in the past he has alienated me from my family and he is trying to do it again. this time it is with my granddaughter. i take care of her and he now wants my daughter to pay $200 a week for the right for me to allow her in the house.

i am so sick of feeling this way. i always wind up feeling torn and he is now beginning a new tactic - he is trying to make me feel that he is lonely, sad, etc.

i simply cannot take this anymore. my whole life is such a mess.

i would really urge you to alonon and the 12 steps

i would urge you to find a alonon group and work that program :atv

thanks - you're right. i did go to a few alanon meetings a couple years ago; however, i didn't give it enough time. i also think i did not find a group that was well-suited for me.

i wasn't ready to admit ah's drinking was not my fault or responsibility. i'm still not too sure whether my rational mind does believe it, even now because my heart is hurting so badly.

i do think i need to go back and try again, this time with the rationale that i am unable to fix this whole mess.

In my situation, it took alot of pain for me to get to the point where I finally felt things had to change. Asking 'why can't I stop?' helping,, enabling, believing in....etc etc didn't bring me out of the problem.

I had to reach a point of intolerance to my pain & suffering in order to start doing things differently. At that point, discovering the 'whys' was not as important as learning how to save myself by living differently.

What worked for me was to learn about codependency, get some counseling, attend Al-Anon and come here to SR.

again, thanks. i must say that all the other times i have left i felt so alone and helpless. even though i recently found SR, i feel much better. in the past, i would have stayed the night with him even though i knew it would be a bad choice. we all know it is very hard to stay firm in our convictions as to what is right for us when the other person is laying on the guilt or whatever it takes for them to get us back with them.

when i read the different posts i realize i am not alone and that everyone here understands how difficult this is. his addiction is alcohol, my addiction is to him and trying to fix him.

I take it you are separated?

Good for you to recognize you need to leave a situation you weren't comfortable with.

Are you living in a separate household? That is my impression. Either way, if you do not want to charge your daughter, you don't have to. Right?

The As in our lives can be expert manipulators. But we can also learn to see thru it and not react. Trust in yourself and take care of yourself. You can make your life better.

yes, i am at my daughter's. and your're right, i do not have to charge her to take care of my granddaughter, i've been taking care of her since she was an infant. and actually, he was the one who said i should do it. she is not his as he says "blood" grandchild so he now is shifting the focus on that instead of his drinking. it hurts because he does love her, and now he is saying he didn't marry my family, just me. he had the nerve to tell me today that i have chosen my granddaughter over him. however, i recognize this pattern, as he did this in the past to me when my daughter was younger.

i just have to not give in to him when he starts crying to me, which appears to be his new tactic. perhaps he saw something in me today which he hasn't seen before. i'm so angry because i have let my life get to this point.

A long time ago a fellow I was dating told me to always remember that one's children (and grandchildren) will always be our children but spouses/BFs/GFs/partners come and go. Remember that when he tries to come between you and your daughter and grand baby.

I know you are in pain and he certainly knows how to push your buttons but seriously...I wish you would get mad. That is class act manipulation. Just wanted you to see this from a different perspective. He is a grown up and he's accusing you of loving a child more than him. Is he 12!?! Sheesh! ;) To stop the hurt, I had to take away my STBXAH's power over me. I can decide what I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want to do it. Ya know? Whenever my STBXAH says something so ridiculous, I just put that "quack, quack" track on in my head. It keeps me from getting hurt and/or angry. :duck I visualize this little duckie quacking his heart out and it takes away the sting of the words. Sometimes it actually makes me smile...which helps me diffuse those negative feelings. It took time for me to get in that head space where I wasn't constantly on the merry-go-round with my STBXAH. Reading here helped me a LOT. I'm also reading Codependent No More. I also see a therapist and we're working through these issues. Maybe you can find some support through a few different channels too. Continue to post here. Just reading others' experiences that were almost exactly like mine made me feel like I wasn't crazy and helped me to face up to the part I was playing. It also helped me to begin to release my A's power over me.

Dunerkat,
Welcome to SR. I found this site about 2 weeks ago and swear it saved my sanity.
As a full blown codie (co-dependent) I've got the guilt, shame and low self-esteem MASTERED...but find great inspir(ion and support in these posts. The responses you've received thus far are fantastic....not sure I can add anything but wanted to say hello and give you a (((big hug)))!!!
We need to achieve "emotional sobriety" and work it parallel, if not ahead of the addict for whom we have given too much of ourselves to....its time to reclaim what is rightfully ours....our own life.
Blessings,
Rivka

I, too, felt alone and helpless when I was living with my alcoholic boyfriend. But the moment I ended the relationship, all that changed. Funny how living alone is far less lonely than trying to have a relationship with an addict.

As newbies to this forum or Alanon, I think most of us felt like we didn't fit in initially. I think it's natural to feel like the odd man out when you're a new member of an established group. The key for me was to keep my negative feelings about not fitting in in check so I could reap the benefits that SR and Alanon had to offer me.

Find a group in your area and stick with it for at least six meetings. Those feelings of discomfort will diminish soon.

i can't say this enough but thank you to all of you who have responded in my post. i feel much better today and will begin to take steps to get better.