Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Holy cow!! 14 of the 30 are for sures, and there are a few I was on the fence about. Yikes......thanks for bumping this, I missed it the first time around.
I have always said he would have to get physical with me ONE time and it would be over. It just makes you think that even once might be too many.
I have always said he would have to get physical with me ONE time and it would be over. It just makes you think that even once might be too many.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yikes...I'm so grateful I recently broke it off with exabf. He met about 14 of these clearly. It even got physical on one occasion, with him justifying it afterward as "playing that got out of hand." Because it happened only once, I justified that, too. And the first thing I noticed was the #2. Accelerating the pace of the relationship...he wanted to move in with me from about day 14. Thank God I said no. Mine is still half-way stalking me...but I just ignore him completely and it seems to be tapering off. I had to learn the hard way that just because someone is clean and attending 12-step program every day for 2 years, it doesn't mean they are healthy at all!
KJ
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
The Gift of Fear is the BEST BOOK EVER!!!!!
It taught me not to be afraid of everything, but that there are real things out there to be cautious of and to trust my instincts. Gavin DeBecker has two other books along the same lines, which I have read and loved as well. One is for protecting your children. The other is on subjects like terrorism, etc. Everyone should read them!!
It taught me not to be afraid of everything, but that there are real things out there to be cautious of and to trust my instincts. Gavin DeBecker has two other books along the same lines, which I have read and loved as well. One is for protecting your children. The other is on subjects like terrorism, etc. Everyone should read them!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
IO,
I too was silent and cannot believe that I was. I told my close family, but basically cut communication with all friends as I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he acted like that and I stayed. Always believing that if we talked it out that it would get better...
I too was silent and cannot believe that I was. I told my close family, but basically cut communication with all friends as I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he acted like that and I stayed. Always believing that if we talked it out that it would get better...
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Originally Posted by deezaldog 
If you think it is happening, it is. I was an independant professional with a secure future I built myself. I came across a man with the abuse behavior. I did not see at first. Started after I married him. Gradually it started and progressed. I drank more and more in denial that it was happening to me. I lost everything when I left. My safety was more important. No one can believe it and I certainly cant. Sobriety has helped so much. Letting go of denial I had to stop beating myself up for letting it happen. I know I am better off and sober.
I have had a problem recently with a store security guard who has clearly singled me out as a potential thief. He follows me around making me feel very uncomfortable. Today I had enough and after a few hours' contemplation about what to do, spoke to the store manager. Yes, you might say, "just don't go in there", but I was incensed at how his behaviour made me feel when I have done nothing wrong and never stolen anything from a store ever.
Then I began to think about this thread which I came a cross by "chance", my AA readings which have been a lot about anger and letting go and so I have come back here.
I am a recovering alcoholic and have not drunk for almost 6 and a half years. But almost eight years ago, when I was drinking, I dialled 911. I didn't know that what I had been experiencing for 12 months was actually called domestic violence. Well, I never had outward bruises but the violence had begun; the pushing and kicking, the knife at my throat, me going to work after being physically and sexually assaulted. I didn't think anyone would believe me about what was happening. I didn't even know what I would say to the police when they arrived.
My Life became very exposed; police, the legal system, courts. And then two days before I got the restraining order, I was fired from a job I'd been in for two weeks. In my second week there, he had hacked into my email. Whilst I was the target, people in my address book were the victims. I had some sort of breakdown and carried on drinking for another 18 months.
Materially I have nothing compared to what I used to have. I have lived somewhere else for the last six years or so but I am sober.
The point to all this is: I will not feel victimised or intimidated by anyone. Today's events have probably bought up all this stuff from my past, all those feelings of powerlessness and self doubt. I will not be a victim. I am a survivor and my God, I really have been to hell and back.
If anyone, anywhere has concerns for their own safety or their children's, find the courage to get help. It may seem horrendous and frightening, but it could save your Life. And you deserve that.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Oh! My dear friend..I "knew" we had a connection other than our program.
I am typing through tears.
Of course, of course.
And thanks for posting "the wheel" I haven't seen it in awhile..
I had to check all the intimidation and emotional stuff in the pie wedges...except for
the display of a weapon.
I am typing through tears.
Of course, of course.
And thanks for posting "the wheel" I haven't seen it in awhile..
I had to check all the intimidation and emotional stuff in the pie wedges...except for
the display of a weapon.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
I am posting this..it may just help someone else.
I was granted a 3 year permanent restraining order on the stalking ex on March 31st.
It was difficult. Court was difficult, the paperwork was difficult..back and forth from
the Women's Advocacy Shelter to the Sheriff's office, to the Police Dept.,...
cab, after cab...but it was worth it.
If he bothers me again...he goes to jail.
It was worth it!
I was granted a 3 year permanent restraining order on the stalking ex on March 31st.
It was difficult. Court was difficult, the paperwork was difficult..back and forth from
the Women's Advocacy Shelter to the Sheriff's office, to the Police Dept.,...
cab, after cab...but it was worth it.
If he bothers me again...he goes to jail.
It was worth it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
BRAVO!!!!!
Now you uphold that sucker, too. No waffling, no wavering, no letting anything slide. If you take the order seriously, so shall the authorities.
So proud of you for sticking it out and getting that done!
Alice
Now you uphold that sucker, too. No waffling, no wavering, no letting anything slide. If you take the order seriously, so shall the authorities.
So proud of you for sticking it out and getting that done!
Alice
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Wow,
Wish I had read this a few years ago as I have been with two men that raped me.
Yep the warning signs were there, I just didn't realise it at the time.
I hope this thread helps other women leave potentially dangerous men.
Much Love,
Faerie
Wish I had read this a few years ago as I have been with two men that raped me.
Yep the warning signs were there, I just didn't realise it at the time.
I hope this thread helps other women leave potentially dangerous men.
Much Love,
Faerie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I'll add one to the list that may pertain to some of you.
If you have a dog, one that is social and likes people and you suddenly notice that your dog acts shy, intimidated, growls or distances itself from that person - chances are that person is an abuser. Dogs are very good at detecting these things. Listen to the dog.
If you have a dog, one that is social and likes people and you suddenly notice that your dog acts shy, intimidated, growls or distances itself from that person - chances are that person is an abuser. Dogs are very good at detecting these things. Listen to the dog.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Yeah! IO Storm! Way to persevere! I've found that patience eventually pays off in my own experience trying to separate my life from such an abuser. It took three years of lawyer letters, crazy emails, and threats, until he finally backed off!
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