"But he has such potential"
 

"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.

In his book, "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker addressed this issue in a way I thought might be useful to others on this forum, so I'll share it here:

One of the most common errors in selecting a boyfriend or spouse is basing the prediction on potential. This is actually predicting what certain elements might add up to in some different context: He isn't working now, but he could be really successful. He's going to be a great artist--of course he can't paint under present circumstances. He's a little edgy and aggressive these days, but that's just until he gets settled.

Listen to the words: isn't working; can't paint; is aggressive. What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intiution. That's because the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.

Spousal abuse is comitted by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been "the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive," etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are--between violent incidents.

But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them. I made these points on a recent television interview, and a young woman called in and said, "You're wrong, there's no way you can tell when a man will turn out to be violent. It just happens out of no where." She went on to describe how her ex-husband, an avid collector of weapons, became possessive immediately after her marriage, made her account for all of her time, didn't allow her to have a car, and frequently displayed jealously.

Could these things be warning signs?

In continuing her description of this awful man, she said, "His first wife died as a result of beatings he gave her."

Could that have been a warning sign? But people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of choosing not to see faults, and that requires some denial. This denial is doubtless necessary in a culture that glorifies the kind of romance that leads young couples to rush to get married in spite of all the reasons they shouldn't, and fifty-year-old men to follow what is euphemistically called their hearts into relationships with their young secretaries and out of relationships with their middle-aged wives. This is, frankly, the kind of romance that leads to more failed relationships than successful ones.

The issue of selection and choice brings to mind the important work of psychologist Nathaniel Branden, author of "Honoring the Self." He tells of the woman who says: "I have the worst luck with men. Over and over again, I find myself in these relationships with men who are abusive. I just have the worst luck." Luck has very little to do with it, because the glaringly common characteristic of each of this woman's relationships is her. My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penality for bad choices. But I do believe they are choices.

- Gavin DeBecker, "The Gift of Fear"

Powerful stuff and tons of useful information for anyone who's ever made poor relationship choices now or previously. This should be on the top of every woman's reading list.

Thank you for this book recommendation, FormerDoormat.

the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.


So true and yet we are usually raised this way. Look at all the teachers who focus on the potential of young students as a way to predicting a positive future outcome. Psychological and apptitudinal testing is all about potential. We are taught to look beyond what is. I guess, however, there comes a time in our life when we have to stop and see the adult for who he/she is as a future predictor of what will be.

I am glad you posted your thoughts about this book today. While out doing errands earlier I had this vision of XABF (and I have NO idea where it came from!) as he WAS waaaaaaaaay back when. I allowed myself a few seconds of nostalgia until I brought myself up to the last time I saw him for the reality check. Yeah...the writing was all over the wall waaaaaaaaaaaay back when. I chose not to see it because I was blinded by who he could be and the person I thought he was.

ARL

Boy was this the tonic for me tonight!

I am the QUEEN OF POTENTIAL!

You know, this goes along with something that I want to share. I was watching back episodes of The Batchlorette on abc.com, and I saw the episode in which Ellen DeGeneres picks out the guy who gets a rose. DeAnna had been on Ellen's show before, and Ellen is really concerned that DeAnna makes the right choice.

Anyway, before DeAnna left, Ellen admonished her by saying,
"Don't Get Hurt".

I had to think about it for a minute, because it seemed like Ellen was putting the responsiblity on DeAnna. Isn't it usually the guy's fault when we get hurt?

Then it hit me...you know, we do have the power to prevent ourselves from getting hurt! I, like a lot of women, was always carried along by the "currents and tides" of whatever relationship, and however the guy chose to treat me. I see that what Ellen was trying to say, was that DeAnna shouldn't be so eager to be in love, that she ignores any warning signs, red flags, gut feelings, or EVEN if issues come up, don't sweep them under the rug (all the things I do btw, based upon 'potential' and fears of 'what ifs').

Don't Get Hurt. 3 simple words, but they are still having a profound effect on me 24 hrs later. I realize that as an adult, I'm fully responsible for protecting my heart. Protecting my heart is the self-respecting thing to do.

Thanks FD. Trying to face this myself after a couple of dates with a guy that has lots of "potential" -- he is good-looking, sweet, funny, and exciting; but I have to force myself to ignore these warning signs:

"My ex -- she's psychotic"
"My (deceased) Mom was my best friend"
"My bosses -- they screw me over"

But if only I was in the picture, I'm sure I could make everything better --- NOT!!!
God help me learn from my mistakes see the red flags!

I wish sometimes that all of us codies could turn it around and tell ourselves that we have such potential! Think of all the potential we waste waiting for someone else to live up to what we see as "their" potential, all the time ignoring that we are crushing our own potential.

I wish I could thank you twice, Barb. I've learned so much posting here, I swear. Somebody posted something that helped; basically it's not even about "them", it's about us. If we have so much potential, if we're such great people, WHY ARE WE WITH THEM/WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH THEIR CRAP?

I think the "potential" point is one of the biggest things I've learnt since posting here. I've done it so often it would be impossible for it not to register. Living on ifs, buts and maybes is such a drain on time and energy

If I think about it honestly, I don't think I ever thought he had much potential. But as a codie, I believed I had even less on my own. Perhaps I thought whatever he lacked in potential I could inspire him to find with my love. And I know I thought to myself: What does potential matter anyway, nobody is perfect. Beside, I'm pretty smart and at least I have a man. God, the horror!

Fantastic post FD. Like Sweetie this is what i have discovered that i do all the time. Im so glad i found here i really am.

Mairxx

Oh I wish I heard this advice years ago. I married my husband because he had such potential -I could see he things for him so great. Here we are 8 years later about to get divorced because I am still waiting for him to reach that potential and he has spent years avoiding it and just when I thought he was finally about there he completely sabotoged all of it. I thought I knew him and what he could do but never imagined being where we are today.
Thank you for the post so I know for my next relationship!

Once again another awesome thread thanks FD! :)

wow

Thanks ladies and Laurie for posting the link! :)

Nice thread FD! I can completely relate.

I used to go with the phrase "It's the thought that counts"...now I listen to the wise words of Yoda "Do or do not. There is no try".

Forget what "could be" and look at what they do at present :)

FDM
Well, that did it. You've posted some exerpts from this book in another thread and it is SUCH GOOD STUFF! I'm buying the book for my daughter today. She recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic (thank goodness) but is now dating a guy who lost is driver's license for "reckless driving" so she's toting him around. Hey......at least it's not a dui, right? WRONG!!!

Maybe something in the book will hit a nerve with her and she'll understand why she is ignoring these warning signs.

It is threads like these that keep me coming back to this forum.

My relationship with xabf is over.....I am square with where I need to be at....and I have learned so much as a result. I have finally moved on.

But....life lessons never end. Learning about ourselves and loving ourselves to have the patience to not hurry ANY situation is what is best. Trusting in yourself and letting life come TO you....and knowing that you can accept joy and sorrow in your life with the same level of acceptance....and that it's all temporary.

Thank you. I am still learning.

Excellent FD. It's something I agree with ARealLady on, though. We are raised to think about potential- in ourselves as well as in others. My dad was even talking about this with me recently- about how much potential STBXAH had- he's tall, good looking, extremely book smart, charming, etc. . . could have made partner at the law firm he started in out of school, but lost that job among others. I admit I get caught up in the past- what I thought he was. I have to remember who he is NOW.

I think I'm going to get the book too. I've said it before- I can't imagine being that woman in the al-anon meetings complaining about her 3rd or 4th AH!

Sounds like such a great book, FD! Gosh, if only I had back all the years I spent laying my own potential on the altar of someone ELSE'S potential. "Here you go, I won't be needing my dreams since now I have you. And some day soon, if I manipulate you enough, you'll become everything I need and nothing I don't."

Yuck.

Watch those red flags, everybody. They are gifts to you from hp, as He gently shepherds you away from those who will end up bringing you nothing but pain. Tops on my list of "Run away!!!!!" flags are people who constantly complain about other people and how they've been mistreated (bosses, ex-wives, ex-husbands) and of course nothing is ever their fault.......

Bump.

My copy arrived today, it looks as though it will be an interesing read and have wider uses than for the current situation. Thank you

FD,
Wow....FANTASTIC post. I've copied it to my file to read again and again. I was having a difficult day today...*wondering* why I am so unable to get over my guy who is sooo not good for me...He's my ABF, who is now in rehab, but who I've been emotionally holding onto and defending to my friends....
seems like all of my sentences about him begin with BUT.

BUT he's SO sweet and funny when he isn't drinking or drugging

BUT he's REALLY attentive to me when I FINALLY get him to return my calls

BUT he's completely focused on me, when I corner him in his office

BUT he and I have so much in common, I'll never find someone else like this...well I'm not an alcoholic, but we have OTHER things in common

BUT he will come around and be nice to me when he's out of rehab

BUT I'm not "co-dependent"...I just want to talk to him to know if he's ok.

Thanks.
I'm not cured...but for now, my head isn't spinning, and that's a plus.

hugs,
rivka